If you are miserable in your marriage

[greengoddess]

and planning on leaving your family for your other person on the side would you really spend ten grand on a family vacation first?

 

I just don't get it. I don't. I read an other woman board occasionally for the entertainment value and these women are always whining about their married piece of crap being away on vacation and what a miserable time he must be having with that horrible woman he calls his wife.

Are these women actually that delusional to believe that he is going to leave her and he is miserable in his marriage when he is off on vacation?

 

I just don't see spending money and your time on a family vacation when you are miserable in your marriage. It makes no sense. People contemplating divorce don't vacation together first.

 

These men must be awfully convincing for the ow to believe this nonsense.

 

It's really sad. The mm has it made. His family and his ow while the poor wife is oblivious and the ow is wasting so much of her life waiting for this slimeball to leave. I just wish I could wake all these women up. It's really tragic.

[nicht]

I also have been perusing the OW postings and have got to say - don't these women have any morals or self-respect? And - I agree with you - do they seriously think these men are going to leave the comfort of absolutely everything they know (if their home life is stable and secure - albeit maybe not very exciting or there is something lacking otherwise they wouldn't probably cheat) and have all of their friends, family, co-workers, and the community know that they have left their wife, their children, their life to be with one person (because they then are isolated most of the time as people are VERY judgemental of cheaters who leave)?

 

I have had the opportunity - before I was married - to be involved with someone I was close to for years as a friend but he was engaged to be married. That was enough for me. I told him there was absolutely no way I would become involved with him more than as a very good friendship unless he wasn't engaged and involved with someone else. I just would NEVER do that to myself OR to another woman.

 

But - then again - some women don't care about how many people they hurt - including themselves. They don't understand that they hurt the person they are involved with, they hurt themselves, they hurt the betrayed spouse, they hurt the children, they hurt their mm's family, and their own family.

 

Frankly - infidelity is the absolute most selfish act that any married person can commit and also the most selfish act that the OW can commit. Neither the OW or the MM think about anyone but themselves and what they need and want. They don't consider or care about what their families' needs may be and what is best for everyone else.

[stoopid_guy]

Why would being in love with the OW keep a man from wanting to have fun with his kids? Even if his love-life with his wife is miserable?

[Lizzie60]

and planning on leaving your family for your other person on the side would you really spend ten grand on a family vacation first?

 

I just don't get it. I don't. I read an other woman board occasionally for the entertainment value and these women are always whining about their married piece of crap being away on vacation and what a miserable time he must be having with that horrible woman he calls his wife.

Are these women actually that delusional to believe that he is going to leave her and he is miserable in his marriage when he is off on vacation?

 

I just don't see spending money and your time on a family vacation when you are miserable in your marriage. It makes no sense. People contemplating divorce don't vacation together first.

 

These men must be awfully convincing for the ow to believe this nonsense.

 

It's really sad. The mm has it made. His family and his ow while the poor wife is oblivious and the ow is wasting so much of her life waiting for this slimeball to leave. I just wish I could wake all these women up. It's really tragic.

 

Huh??? Who said all OW are 'waiting' for the slimeball???

 

One of my MM (scout dad) was away for 10 days on family vacation... they had a good time.. first thing when he came back..he called me.. came over.. he said he couldn't wait to see me.. that he thought about me every single day...

 

This guy loves his W.. but he loves his 3 sons way more... he doesn,t mind spending 10 gran on the family vacation, since it's more about his sons than his W...

 

I doubt he had a 'miserable' time.. with her.. but I'm certain that if I would have been there with him, (and of course the kids).. he would have had a much much greater time...

 

He always says that he wishes he could have me for weekends, vacations, etc...

 

I said I wouldn't mind a weekend, but nothing longer..

[greengoddess]

Why would being in love with the OW keep a man from wanting to have fun with his kids? Even if his love-life with his wife is miserable?

 

You're a cakeeater stoopid guy. You are not that miserable with your wife you just want more sex. You are not at all ready to leave your family. You are what I am talking about. A man who could happily go away with his wife and kids is in no way ready for a divorce. These ow's actually believe these men are leaving soon. It's sad. A man who skips off on vacation with his wife is not going anywhere. His homelife is not that miserable.

[greengoddess]

Lizzie you proved my point. He may enjoy you but you even said he loves his wife. He has no intention of leaving even though he would have a blast on vacation with you too.

 

You don't do a happy little family vacation when you are on the verge of divorce.

 

Nicht very true. Very true.

[Woggle]

This man is a good liar.

[stoopid_guy]

You're a cakeeater stoopid guy. You are not that miserable with your wife you just want more sex.

Actually, I don't want more sex/intimacy. I want any sex/intimacy. My wife does not consider intimacy important in a marriage, despite massive efforts on my part to convince her otherwise. She considers intimacy a "chore," and frankly, I don't want it with someone who doesn't consider it a pleasure anyway.

 

If/when I have the opportunity for intimacy with another woman I will take it. Before that though, I will make my family relationship clear to her.

 

If that makes me a cake-eater, so be it.

 

You are not at all ready to leave your family. You are what I am talking about. A man who could happily go away with his wife and kids is in no way ready for a divorce. These ow's actually believe these men are leaving soon. It's sad. A man who skips off on vacation with his wife is not going anywhere. His homelife is not that miserable.

You used the word "delusional" in your original post. The biggest delusion women harbor about men is that we look at the whole relationship. Ideally, wife/domestic partner/mother to our children, and lover would all be the same person. However, if we have to find two women

to have all those needs met, we frequently will. I think this is also true of many women.

 

I to feel sorry for those single women waiting for their MM to leave their families. A few will, but most won't (at least not voluntarily.) The MM/MW who seeks an affair should really be seeking someone in the same boat they are in.

[greengoddess]

stoopid guy is it possible your wife has taken a lover and that's where the intamacy has gone?

[Lizzie60]

Lizzie you proved my point. He may enjoy you but you even said he loves his wife. He has no intention of leaving even though he would have a blast on vacation with you too.

 

You don't do a happy little family vacation when you are on the verge of divorce.

 

Nicht very true. Very true.

 

No.. none of my MMs are on the verge of divorce... not yet..

 

But to say that they won't do a 'happy little family vacation' when they are on the verge of a divorce.. is absolutely wrong.. some do... and I can see why.. for the sake of the kids... and his own pleasure.. maybe he needs a vacation, away from work... that doesn't mean that they,re even having sex while on vacation.. they may be like two roomates visiting..

[whichwayisup]

Lizzie you are the exception. You're not looking for anything from your MM. Most of the OW who do post ARE hoping and waiting that their MM will leave their wives.

[greengoddess]

No.. none of my MMs are on the verge of divorce... not yet..

 

But to say that they won't do a 'happy little family vacation' when they are on the verge of a divorce.. is absolutely wrong.. some do... and I can see why.. for the sake of the kids... and his own pleasure.. maybe he needs a vacation, away from work... that doesn't mean that they,re even having sex while on vacation.. they may be like two roomates visiting..

 

 

If he needed a vacation it would not be with a woman that makes him miserable. He would sneak off on a "business trip" with his other woman.

 

I have never seen a couple on the verge of divorce go on vacation together first. Maybe the mm tells his ow that and is believable but I don't think his wife has a clue he is about to leave. Why? Because he isn't but his ow needs to believe he is miserable.

[stoopid_guy]

stoopid guy is it possible your wife has taken a lover and that's where the intamacy has gone?

Anything is possible. In her case, I find it extremely improbable though. She's actually told me she couldn't understand why two people would want to sit on a couch and "smooch." (I wish she'd told me that before I fell in love with her.) Besides, I doubt she's been hiding an affair for 13 years.

 

If he needed a vacation it would not be with a woman that makes him miserable. He would sneak off on a "business trip" with his other woman.

Again, the point you're missing: Just

because they have no love life, it doesn't mean they can't get along in other ways. Just because a man goes on vacation with his wife and kids, it doesn't mean he's in love with her or that they're intimate. I might go camping with a male friend and enjoy it. He and I don't need to be intimate.

[greengoddess]

Anything is possible. In her case, I find it extremely improbable though. She's actually told me she couldn't understand why two people would want to sit on a couch and "smooch." (I wish she'd told me that before I fell in love with her.) Besides, I doubt she's been hiding an affair for 13 years.

 

 

Again, the point you're missing: Just

because they have no love life, it doesn't mean they can't get along in other ways. Just because a man goes on vacation with his wife and kids, it doesn't mean he's in love with her or that they're intimate. I might go camping with a male friend and enjoy it. He and I don't need to be intimate.

 

I bet she would never imagine you would cheat on her. I bet you treat her like gold when you aren't off with someone else. Hmm I wonder if she saw you as the perfect father and provider but not her idea of a sexy lover.

 

Ahh but see you are a cake eater. You are not leaving your wife because you are comfortable with her and can still enjoy a vacation with her. These women are insisting their mm are miserable away with their wives and he is just getting his ducks in order to leave.

[LoyalGirl]

Stoopid Guy,

Have you tried MC with your wife?

[jj33]

Some people do go on a last family vacation. I have a friend who is doing that right now. He is going for the kids. He knows he is leaving in the fall and so does his wife. But they decided to have one more vacation that the children can remember before they split so they are going to Europe for a few weeks, giving the kids one last big memory of them together.

 

Everyone does things their own way. In my friend's case, its largely guilt. He feels like he needs to do this for the family even though the marriage is ending. Maybe its an abberation, but its part of what some people see as doing the "right thing".

[stoopid_guy]

I bet she would never imagine you would cheat on her. I bet you treat her like gold when you aren't off with someone else. Hmm I wonder if she saw you as the perfect father and provider but not her idea of a sexy lover.

Possible, there was a very interesting thread in the Marriage forum that offered that up as a possible explanation

for sexless marriages. My own theory, in our case, is simply that once we finished trying to have kids, there was no more need for her to perform that chore any more.

 

Fortunately, I know there are other ladies out there who do consider me a sexy lover.

Ahh but see you are a cake eater. You are not leaving your wife because you are comfortable with her and can still enjoy a vacation with her. These women are insisting their mm are miserable away with their wives and he is just getting his ducks in order to leave.

So you don't think its even possible for the men to be happy during the day and miserable/lonely in bed with their wives at night?

 

Yes, some OWs are delusional, but some wives are too. Just because he enjoys family time, it doesn't mean the love-life is healthy.

 

Ummm.... Your husband didn't recently take you and the kids on vacation, did he?

Stoopid Guy,

Have you tried MC with your wife?

She was not interested. We did talk about it though. At this point, I consider it beyond repair.

 

I sometimes wonder if I should have been more forceful, threatening to leave or cheat if things didn't improve. That would have felt like blackmail though, and intimacy should be totally

willing or not at all.

 

(Enough thread derailment...)

[greengoddess]

Some people do go on a last family vacation. I have a friend who is doing that right now. He is going for the kids. He knows he is leaving in the fall and so does his wife. But they decided to have one more vacation that the children can remember before they split so they are going to Europe for a few weeks, giving the kids one last big memory of them together.

 

Everyone does things their own way. In my friend's case, its largely guilt. He feels like he needs to do this for the family even though the marriage is ending. Maybe its an abberation, but its part of what some people see as doing the "right thing".

 

 

It's sounds like having the kids live a fairytale making them think their parents are happy and then oh sorry kids that was for a last memory. What a farce.

 

Do you know for a FACT his wife knows he is leaving to be with someone else?

[greengoddess]

Why don't you tell your wife you are so miserable and lonely. Why don't you leave if you are so miserable and lonely? You like the built in babysitter maid you have?

 

You really belong at the philanderers forum not here.

 

I wonder if the problem is you. That after your wife had kids she became a mother not a sexy woman anymore. YOU viewed her differently after childbirth.

[stoopid_guy]

Why don't you tell your wife you are so miserable and lonely. Why don't you leave if you are so miserable and lonely? You like the built in babysitter maid you have?

 

You really belong at the philanderers forum not here.

 

I wonder if the problem is you. That after your wife had kids she became a mother not a sexy woman anymore. YOU viewed her differently after childbirth.

There's a philanderers forum? Is it worth reading "for the entertainment value" too?

 

And what forum do you belong to, GG? Oh well, even if I haven't widened your narrow view a little, I've hopefully widened some ones.

[greengoddess]

How on earth did you widen my narrow view? If anything you reinforced it with your cake eating ways. You will have some poor in love young woman waste her time on you while you string her along always to go back to your safe little family lying to your wife. What a sad world you live in when you choose to live in one big lie daily.

 

Your cheating ways will catch up to you and your wife kids and your girlfriend of choice will be extremely hurt when it happens but most of all you will be hurt when you lose the respect of your wife, extended family, friends, your children and even your poor devoted ow when you throw her under the bus.

 

It's all about your happiness isn't it? Unfortunately so many people will be drug down with you.

[torranceshipman]

Stoopid guy, dont be mean and nasty to some poor girl, and draw her into your messed up personal life. Why not leave your wife, start over, and it'll be better for everyone? Don't plan to mess another girl around just to make your life more bearable (when the logical solution is to leave your W anyway-I mean, you have a choice here!). Messing people around to get your jollies makes you a really mean person. You've seen the misery a lot of girls like that go through on this forum-why on earth would you purposely inflict that pain on someone?

[Lizzie60]

If he needed a vacation it would not be with a woman that makes him miserable. He would sneak off on a "business trip" with his other woman.

 

I have never seen a couple on the verge of divorce go on vacation together first. Maybe the mm tells his ow that and is believable but I don't think his wife has a clue he is about to leave. Why? Because he isn't but his ow needs to believe he is miserable.

 

I still have to disagree.. It doesn't mean that he would be miserable on a vacation with a woman he's about to leave.. he can just be 'OK' with it.. and not have one bit of sex with her. and maybe when he comes back he WILL sneak off on a 'business trip' with the OW... who knows.

 

If you have never seen a couple going on vacation while being on the verge of divorce doesn't mean it doesn't happen..

[OpenBook]

I don't believe that stoopid guy, or many MM for that matter, are miserable in their marriages. They just want that extra zing in their lives, but they don't want to give up all the comforts their marriage brings. Being married to the same woman for many years, the romance and passion is long gone with her, although she may very well be a great companion and caregiver.

 

She certainly doesn't seem to care about where his sexual interests are. If she was paying any attention at all to her H she would be noticing some signs, questioning him, etc. Perhaps she is also content to maintain the status quo. An unspoken agreement between the two, perhaps. Who knows. The fact is, nobody knows what goes on inside a M except for the two people in the M.

 

I do want to emphasize that I am not condoning or defending this conduct in any way. I believe it is a sham way to live one's life, and speaking for myself I'm deeply grateful that the course of my own life has not led me to be in either the WS or the BS's shoes.

 

But I am starting to understand that this happens in many, many marriages out there.

[Angel1111]

It's sounds like having the kids live a fairytale making them think their parents are happy and then oh sorry kids that was for a last memory. What a farce.

 

Do you know for a FACT his wife knows he is leaving to be with someone else?

 

gg, could ya be just a little more judgemental...? Geez, girl, lighten up! People do this stuff all the time. When I was miserable in my marriage, I wasn't cheating on him but I still went on vacations with my husband because a person isn't going to typically do anything out of the ordinary until they actually leave. And sometimes it's a way to test the relationship, to see if there's anything salvagable. Except in my case, going on vacation with my idiot husband was enough to make a person divorce him right there.

 

Just because people do things for their kids doesn't make it any more a faritytale or farce than the people who stay in their marriages 'for the kids'. The vacation is just a memory the kids will have. So what? Why is that so horrible? I admire people who have chosen to walk away from their crappy marriages than see them stay. This couple is just going on vacation 'for the kids' instead of wasting the rest of their lives 'for the kids'. I think I'd prefer to see the vacation scenario any day.

 

And the truth is, there are a LOT of people who are miserable with their spouses but still choose to stay. And these women who think that not having an intimate relationship with their spouse is ok are really the delusional ones. I think the majority of them actually hope their husband will have an affair so that they don't have to deal with him anymore. People who think they can just 'check out' after they have kids or after they get married are just begging for problems and they shouldn't be at all surprised by the result they get. I'm actually surprised they stay at all because if my spouse didn't want to be intimate with me, I'd be out the door.