Beee Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 3 weeks ago my bf left me.... saying he still cared lots for me, thought I am an amazing person and still wants me in his life.... He said he thought he was taking me for granted and it wasn't fair towards me.... After many days spent trying to figure out what went worng and when I've come to the conclusion that maybe it all went too serious too soon? The relationship started in a very casual way... we work together and have done for the past 3 or 4 years.... up until about a year ago I dind't really notice him mych, however we started getting closer and closer and about 7 months ago we got together. I didn't think it would last so played it all very casula. But we went from seeing each other to being in a commited relationship. All the sign were good, we were having a wonderful time, making each other happy and being happy about being together. I started to trust him more and I guess decided that I wanted to spend more time with him (this is where I think things might have started to go a bit wrong). I saw of my friends less and started to socialise with his friends more.... we saw each other most evenings rather than see when we were next free.... He also became very busy with work and as a consequence I felt a little more insicure.... He wasn't chashing ME anymore.... We work together and therefore can't really do the whole NC.,.... I haven't really seen him out of work but yesterday he offered to drive me to the airport.... he usually comes into my office to check how I'm doing or sends me emails.... we have exchanged a couple of quite flirty emails (I'm not sure what ti make of this... its is just fun and games or is there more behind it??) When I have broken up with some one in the past I have not been inclined to keep them in my life more than a certain amount (also cause its not fair towards them).... Am I clinging onto hope when there's not much there or am I right to wonder that if I give him some space and try and focus on my life and myself there might be a chance things can re rekindled? I miss him trribly and all I can think is about him.... Do you think there's still something there?
MichiganMan222 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I don't know if I'm missing it, but I don't see where exactly in the sequence of events the actual break-up took place. You describe what was said in the first paragraph, but how and when were you approached?
Author Beee Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 Hey MichiganMansorry about the confusion, sometimes its all clear in my head and I just don't put all the thoughts down on "paper". We got together about 7 months ago and he broke up with me 3 weeks ago. The 6 months we were together were good, very good.... we meade a good team, made each other feel good and always had a good time (we had a couple of arguments, but then doesn't every one) In the past 3 weeks he has made most oif the contact, to see how I'm doing.... The flirty emails I mentioned, were iniciated by him, although I did play along.... I've tried not to contact him unless necessary, but its hard... I am holding onto hope that there is a second chance for us, as if he didn't have any feelings for me why would he still care? why would he still check I'm ok? Maybe he need to step back a bit and take things more slowly.... All I know, the hope right now, is pretty strong.... Hope this makes more sense....
stray_cat Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 i think it's ok to have some hope over a failed relationship. hoping is something we cannot help but have specially when the relationship has just ended. however, it is also important to not cling too much on to this hope to the point where its impairing our ability to cope and move on.
Author Beee Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 Thanks stray cat.... I am trying to plan my life like it is my own, do things for me.... but yes, the hope that we might be able to work things out is still there... I am trying to have a cool perspective on all of it, but its hard.... feelings are never an easy thing to stay cool about. I am making plans (nights out, holidays) as though there isn't a future, but I do hope wholeheartedly that there will be a future for us. Thanks!
wareagle Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 You need to read some of Caliguy's post's about NC! NC isn't a way of rekindling a relationship! It is about moving on with your life! Holding on to hope of reconciliation is only holding you back from moving on! This guy is never going to realize that he messed up if you keep communicating with him! Even then the chance of things working out after they were broken is very little. You have to live your life like there is no chance of reconciliation, go out have fun, date,flirt.
CaliGuy Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 You need to read some of Caliguy's post's about NC! NC isn't a way of rekindling a relationship! It is about moving on with your life! Holding on to hope of reconciliation is only holding you back from moving on! This guy is never going to realize that he messed up if you keep communicating with him! Even then the chance of things working out after they were broken is very little. You have to live your life like there is no chance of reconciliation, go out have fun, date,flirt. It's now in my signature file to make things easier
xpaperxcutx Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 It's now in my signature file to make things easier OP, when he says he cares for you but doesn't want to be in a R with you, mostly it means he doesn't want to be with you. Even if you work with him and see him at every day, minimize the contacts to only work related involvements. It's work not cocktail hours where you go around flirting.
Author Beee Posted August 24, 2008 Author Posted August 24, 2008 But how do you give up hope of wanting to be with him and hope that there might still be a future? how do you not think about him, when all I can think is how much I miss him?? Today (once again) is bad day and I jusy miss him so much!
ahhhchooo Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Hi Beee, I'm in a similar situation to you where I was good friends with my ex for a long time prior to starting a relationship. Things in the relationship were just dandy up til about 3 weeks ago and she withdrew, and more or less gave me the same line as you received - "I still care about you/you're so sweet with me/I think about how I'm making a mistake, blah blah". Let actions rule over words. Her and I enjoy the same activities and are part of the same sports club, so unless one of us decides to give that up - we're going to see each other regularly. I miss everything about her so much, love her with all my heart and still think about her every minute of the day. I'm now thinking that the hope I'm clinging to is actually hopeless, and honestly if it's going to work, she'd come back just the same if I NC'd her. At this stage I think I've given her a massive doorway to "get over" me by being so friendly with her and being her "emotional tampon" since things went awry. Best thing I could've done was NC from the start and focus on MY life. If he needs you, he'll be back, and if it doesn't, then find someone who does
BCCA Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 It never ceases to amaze me that SO many people use the "I dont know what I want/I love you but I know Im not being fair/I dont want to lose you" lines which are immediately followed by dumping you. Its nonsensical, why would you really care about some one, know youre not being fair and dont want to lose them, and then dump them? Sounds like BS to me. I wish for ONCE I would hear some ones story where the person told them why they were done, and was as clear about it as possible. Problem is, people take the easy way out. As some one else said, let actions rule words. If I said "I dont smoke" and then you saw me lighting up a ciggarette, what would you think?
CaliGuy Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 It never ceases to amaze me that SO many people use the "I dont know what I want/I love you but I know Im not being fair/I dont want to lose you" lines which are immediately followed by dumping you. Its nonsensical, why would you really care about some one, know youre not being fair and dont want to lose them, and then dump them? Sounds like BS to me. I wish for ONCE I would hear some ones story where the person told them why they were done, and was as clear about it as possible. Problem is, people take the easy way out. As some one else said, let actions rule words. If I said "I dont smoke" and then you saw me lighting up a ciggarette, what would you think? It's called: a) Being selfish (I dont want you, but don't want to lose you either) and... b) Actions speak much louder than words. Believe what they say 10% of the time, believe what they do 100% of the time.
ahhhchooo Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 It never ceases to amaze me that SO many people use the "I dont know what I want/I love you but I know Im not being fair/I dont want to lose you" lines which are immediately followed by dumping you. Its nonsensical, why would you really care about some one, know youre not being fair and dont want to lose them, and then dump them? Yes, they're cowardly lines used when someone can't face up to the fact that despite everything said in the past they're the ones going back on their promises and commitments. "You've gotta be cruel to be kind" makes sense to me after all this BS.
BCCA Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 It's called: a) Being selfish (I dont want you, but don't want to lose you either) and... b) Actions speak much louder than words. Believe what they say 10% of the time, believe what they do 100% of the time. Do you think it probably makes them feel less guilty to almost lie to themselves about it?
ahhhchooo Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Do you think it probably makes them feel less guilty to almost lie to themselves about it? I think it does if the person feeds into it, maintains contact and continues to feed their ego. In all honestly, the person saying it probably believes themselves too.
BCCA Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I think it does if the person feeds into it, maintains contact and continues to feed their ego. In all honestly, the person saying it probably believes themselves too. To her credit, I havent called her and she hasnt called me. I dont expect that to change anytime.
CaliGuy Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Do you think it probably makes them feel less guilty to almost lie to themselves about it? As long as the ex that dumped you can be your "buddy" they will not feel guilty or remorse for dumping you. I hate to sound bitter, and I'm not, but there are very few occasions where I have remained friends with someone that I had a strong romantic interest in and it didn't work out. I can count them on 1 maybe 2 fingers. No, I think just one finger (no, not the middle one, sillies!). It's my own self-defense mechanism to help me cope and move on. The ONLY reason an ex wants to stay friends is because to some degree they want to relieve themselves of the guilt. That's it. There's nothing they can offer you or you can offer them in friendship that you can not find with another friend -- where no romance was involved Cheers.
BCCA Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 As long as the ex that dumped you can be your "buddy" they will not feel guilty or remorse for dumping you. I hate to sound bitter, and I'm not, but there are very few occasions where I have remained friends with someone that I had a strong romantic interest in and it didn't work out. I can count them on 1 maybe 2 fingers. No, I think just one finger (no, not the middle one, sillies!). It's my own self-defense mechanism to help me cope and move on. The ONLY reason an ex wants to stay friends is because to some degree they want to relieve themselves of the guilt. That's it. There's nothing they can offer you or you can offer them in friendship that you can not find with another friend -- where no romance was involved Cheers. So would you then say that an ex that doesnt try and be your buddy or call you doesnt even feel guilty? Or are they trying to do you a favor?
Author Beee Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 Hope is a natural instinct.... its natural for a person to have hope and hold on to it tight, its what keeps us going when we feel so so low..... Talking to some one they pointed out that you shouldn't lose hope (beacuse it is after all what I just described it to be) but you should focus on things looking forward, one little step at a time.... and hopefully in time you will find yourself not interested in that hope/feeling any more.... All this is a lot easier said than done... I've had a terrible week and still can't stop thinking about him. As I said I am planning my days and weekends for me.... but its still hard. When we broke up he told me he had enough friends as it is and doesn't NEED more, but actually wanted to keep me in his life. His previous break ups have all (I think all anyway) ended up him leaving her and not wanting her in his life any more; which is why I thought it was different with me. Some days I wake up and clearly see where it all went wrong but can never see how to get to the solution, other days I just feel horrible and empty (and this week it has mainly been the latter). Caliguy, I see your logic.... my ex the other day asked me how I was doing.... now, usually I say fine thanks.... but that day I asked if he really wanted to know.... his first answer was yes of course... and then turned it to a joke and said, actually a lie might be easier to handle.... Ex's want you to be ok with it... but the reality is I'm not, I'm not ok, I'm not happy and I'm not over it! I try and not show him my weakness but I also don't want him to think that what he's done didn't affect me (just so he can feel ok about it). I can't go NC (whether its for me or for trying to win him back), I work with the guy.... I still hope we can be together again... I miss him.... but I don't know how to move forward (other than what I'm already doing that is) and when it will get better....
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