i thought i was getting stronger

[stray_cat]

so i have been lurking in LS for quite a while now but decided to post today as i'm having a really hard time. it's been almost 2 months since my husband dropped the bomb and our divorce is already on the way. i moved out of our rented apartment 3 weeks ago. some days i feel better but the sadness, loneliness and emptiness are still there although i no longer collapse and cry on a daily basis. we had very very little contact since i moved out and whenever we do we just go straight to business whatever it's all about and so far it has never about our relationship. then i heard from him yesterday through email. it was about my mail that was mailed to our apartment and he also mentioned that he is doing fairly okay and that he hopes i am doing fine. i read it before i went to work yesterday and felt like crap the whole day. i felt like crying but tried not to as i was on my way to work. i couldn't wait to go home and cry and when i got home crying was the first thing i did. why do i feel like this? his email was just over a mail and yet i feel so depressed and i miss him terribly. i miss our life, our times together. I thought i was getting stronger but now i'm having a set back over little things. i cried myself to sleep and woke up crying and all the while i feel like this whole thing seems so easy for him.

 

just a little background, i'm 30 and he is 32. we dont have childen and we were married for 8 yrs. hubby decided to end the marriage coz married life was "sucking" the motivation out of him in going for his "dreams and goals" in life. he said he does not love me anymore the way he is supposed to but still loves me in a way that he cant quite describe and still cares a lot about me. so for him to be happy and be the person that he wants to be, i have to be out of the picture. our marriage was a smooth sailing. he was affectionate and loving. we were happy and we hardly argue. but he said he started to feel unhappy at some point but just tried to ignore it until one day he just woke up and realized it's time to drop the bomb. he refuses to go to counseling coz he said the problem cannot be solved by talking to a counselor. he assured me there is no 3rd party involved and i believe him on that. our relationship was normal and good up until the day he brought up the issue and thats when all hell broke loose. at that time i didn't care at all if i die. all i do is cry. i just couldn't see the future ahead of me. i couldn't see myself ever happy again. of course i went through pleading, bargaining and then pleading again, but to no avail. he did not show even the slightest effort in trying to save our marriage. he has totally shut down. regardless of what i say or do he wants out and thats all that matters to him. for him it's over and that i just have to suck it up. our separation has brought a lot of tears and sadness not just on my part but also on his. it was tremendously painful yet peaceful. there was no fight, no yelling or shouting and there is still a lot of respect for each other.

 

considering how good our relationship was, i can't begin to understand how can he feel so miserable and unhappy to the point of ending our marriage without any second thoughts and yet not show even a single clue or hint that he is feeling like that. i felt like i don't really know him at all and most likely i will never fully understand why this has happened. after the initial shock was over, i begun to think more clearly. i know in a way i had some contribution to the downfall of this marriage but i don't think my regressions were divorceable. after all nobody is perfect.

 

this has got to be the most difficult time of my life. it was unbelievably hard and painful to let go but i don't really have any other choice. i'm struggling but also trying hard to do what i think (hopefully) is right at this point - giving him the freedom that he wants and at the same time work on my self and rebuild my life. i still love him and i miss him very much but i am biting the bullet. i feel so incomplete, like a huge part of me has died. there are times when i want to call him and tell him how i feel but i know that will most likely not going to accomplish anything positive so i just try to hold my self back from doing it. a part of me still hopes that we will reconcile however i think my expectations had already died. sometimes i wonder if having very little to no contact at all is the right thing to do in our situation. i don't want to suffocate him and i want to give him the time and space he wants. however i doubt if he is making use of our separation as a time to think about our situation. most likely for him, he is done.

 

i know i am up for a long journey and the road ahead will be rough. i am just letting my self feel the pain and just go through my emotions as they come. it sucks when we are left to live with the consequences of the choices made by the people we love and trust who we never thought will betray us, hurt us and cause us the biggest pain of our life. i don't really know what i'm looking for here. maybe just some words of wisdom, advice, encouragement, a hug, or whatever. i'm just at the lowest point of my life. sorry this is long ;(

[PWSX3]

((((((BIG HUG))))))))

 

For the up & down feelings they will come & go, one day you will feel strong & the next you will feel like giving up.

 

Try & keep a positive attitude, he is the one that gave up not you and so there isn't a lot you can do but move forward for yourself.

[pelicanpreacher]

His assurances that there is no 3rd party involved in this decision is a load of "Bull". His refusal to go to counseling is just a way to prevent you from finding out what is truly going on so he gaslighted you on that issue. If I were you I wouldn't be so magnanimous about sacrificing my investment in the relationship by greasing the skids for him to leave on his own terms. He has taken 8 years of your life and commitment and wants to throw it away with the least muss or fuss by saying he loves you but is not "in love" with you in the hopes that he still looks like the good guy in this melodrama! At the very least he is being a coward and hiding behind lies so stand up for yourself and demand the truth by investigating his activities when he is out of sight and out of mind to get your own facts on the matter to confront him with. Trust but verify! Once you actually see the truth in all its ugly glory you'll be able to take the focus off of the deficiencies you were responsible for in the marriage and see him in a proper light as you make your decisions going forward.

 

I absolutely despise liars and I can spot your husband's "Bull" from a thousand cyberpaces away!

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Hugs to you. I'm going through something much the same, but there's four kids involved. At this point, he still says he wants to remain married, but I'm getting the same BS you are: I'm not fulfilled here, I don't feel the emotional attachment I should, I'm not happy, I feel stifled. Well, that a-hole shoulda thought about what he wanted from his life BEFORE he got married and had a bunch of kids. Selfish jerk. He expects me to make all the compromises when it comes to our marriage and family. I should sit home and tend the kids while he goes out and "finds himself."

 

I envy you only have to move forward on your own, not having to think about rebuilding a life as a family of five, sans father.

 

But I very much empathize with your feelings about the mind-blowing revelation that you've been loving someone who doesn't love you back. Hugs again. We'll cry together.

[babysmomma]

My husband pulled the same crap, he has/had a woman at work he was crying too and decided his penis was longing for her big eyes and fat nose. So I found out he was boning her at lunch and any other time he could, and crying on her shoulder that he wasn't happy at home he needed more freedom that his family was a burden and he couldn't afford us.

 

At any rate the tramp still works with him her PHD ass I feel like blowing the whistle on her at work she wants so much respect let everyone know she spreads her legs so easily. I am debating still if I will confront her in person.

 

He loves me but doesn't love me, finds me sexy but the spark is gone, he can't talk to me like he can to her...of course ass your talking ABOUT me much of the time and you are fighting with me about your motives and fidelity. He "half assed" tried to patch it back together after I found out, but then i found her number and that he was calling her again. He acted stand offish and mean to me probably because he was longing for her companionship. He defends that she is a caring and compassionate person, even though she has no respect for marriage I will be better off in the long run I think an I have to believe there is a BETTER HONEST man out there for me somewhere. I do HATE the fact taht my son will not have his father and mother to grow up with and that he won't have a normal family because his father is an *******.

 

At any rate I only have one son so....but he is autistic so he is leaving us both and I cannot work because I have to help with his therapy 20 hours a week plus special meals and trying to finish my teaching degree online. I am going to end up waiting tables on weekends because I just can't work taking care of our son full time.

[TrustInYourself]

You're not dying. Just stay focused on yourself and your life and making positive changes for yourself through all this. That is your best bet. Make this crisis work for you. That way when you look back, you'll say wow, I made the best of that situation.

 

Go talk to your family, friends and people who care about you. Go out and have some fun. Meet people. Go get in shape. Get sexy. Meet some boy toys and laugh.

 

Exercise, socializing, and hobbies can help you forget the pain. I know there are times when you get low and the pain is really bad. Just keep in mind, that once you get through that temporary pain, there is relief. There is hope and future happiness. I hope you feel better.

[SingleDad]

stray cat - I'm going through the same exact thing. It is an aweful rollercoaster ride. Not much you can do, but focus on yourself and "GAL" (Get A Life). I am trying to GAL myself, but finding it very difficult when my life was about my family that doesn't exist anymore.

 

I do not believe in NC unless there is so much angry that C would just damage things further, or there is an affair and NC will make spouse reconsider options.

 

Hang in there - we've all been there.