Jump to content

Husband kicks me out, but prevents me from leaving

RecordProducer

By RecordProducer
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

quankanne Established Member

quankanne

Posted
Posted

He obviously thought that he would bring me to the US and I would do whatever he says, that I would be something like a "trafficked slave" for him. He can't comprehend that the law is on my side, that I have rights and I can't just get out in the street, alone and unemployed with two kids.

 

ugh ... sick bastard, the more I think of it, and I only now just remembered the abortion he insisted you have, even though you may have felt it the best measure at the time ...

 

RP, look up VAWA, the Violence against women act. There is a subsection dealing with women in your situation, women from another country who are threatened or coerced into staying in an abusive relationship – and believe me, his behavior qualifies as mental and emotional abuse – by threatening them and their safety. What he is doing is morally and legaly wrong, and there are ways of fighting back.

 

("What is Domestic Violence? Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone." – from website http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/ovw-fs.htm)

 

now for the big shock (at least to me!) – the boys are already 10 years old?!!!!

 

hugs,

quank

  • Author
RecordProducer Established Member

RecordProducer

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks Quankanne, but trust me, the law doesn't treat women like me as abused. He didn't threaten me with my life; he threatened with divorce. He didn't beat me, starve me to death, lock me in the basement or put my nude picture on the town's local billboard (that would be fun! :laugh:).

 

He is not obligated to treat me with respect, to love me, appreciate me, have sex with me, and my lawyer said he is not even obligated to support me financially (in my case). I am sure if I were disabled, the situation would be different.

 

My case is really not for the center of social work. It's just a sad love story. It's so creepy that he's been telling me to get out this whole time and he never really meant it. I just can't understand how someone can wish to keep a woman through a blackmail, hold her in fear and make her feel bad; instead of just showing love and affection. Apparently he wants me to stay, but why does he constantly create agony? Could this be mental illness?

Enema Established Member

Enema

Posted
Posted

Are you sure he really wants to keep you there, or he just hates the thought of giving away $125,000 when you leave?

climbergirl Established Member

climbergirl

Posted
Posted
Are you sure he really wants to keep you there, or he just hates the thought of giving away $125,000 when you leave?

 

Is this really a question???:rolleyes:

 

Let's see...keeping the family together equates to more clothes, added food expense, schooling, vacations, bigger house-the list goes on and on. The guy may be an ass, but that doesn't mean he's mathmatically challenged.

 

RP, from everything I've read in your posts your stbx is extremely controlling-you, his family, his finances...all of which you already know. Please be careful. I've found these types to be very vindictive as well.

Enema Established Member

Enema

Posted
Posted

Yeah, fair point...

 

Maybe she should couch her "let me go" speech in terms of what it'll cost him for her to stay.

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

Posted
Posted
Yeah, fair point...

 

Maybe she should couch her "let me go" speech in terms of what it'll cost him for her to stay.

 

You're being pretty heartless about something you know so little about. I'm sure her husband didn't sign the agreement at gunpoint. I never feel sorry for abusive men. Not ever. And I'm really surprised to see anyone defend such inhumane treatment of another person. Yes, maybe her crime is in being naive and staying with this jerk, but at least it wasn't pre-meditated and at least she didn't misrepresent who she was. He did.

Lizzie60 Established Member

Lizzie60

Posted
Posted

I'm not sure I understand this.. why don't you take the 125,000 and go back to your parents..

 

Why would you live with this jerk? :eek:

Lishy Established Member

Lishy

Posted
Posted

RP ::Big hugs::

 

I am so sorry you are going through this still. It is very complicated for you as you are being pulled in many different directions, I do not envy you BUT this will only last for as long as YOU allow it to honey

 

I really do believe that your H has a mental illness - Look up this site, it helped me heaps!!!!

 

Welcome to Dr Irene's Verbal Abuse (Site)!

  • Author
RecordProducer Established Member

RecordProducer

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Are you sure he really wants to keep you there, or he just hates the thought of giving away $125,000 when you leave?
No, but HE claims he wants me to leave, so technically sooner or later, he'd have to pay the money. Do you guys realize that $125,000 for him is like $125 for most of you if we look at all of your assets vs. his? This is not money issue for hm; it's a control thing. But I have no doubt that he wants to keep me, so he can't threaten me and blackmail me anymore. Now I know his cards.

 

Is this really a question???:rolleyes:

 

Let's see...keeping the family together equates to more clothes, added food expense, schooling, vacations, bigger house-the list goes on and on. The guy may be an ass, but that doesn't mean he's mathmatically challenged.

He told me if I stayed in the house, I'd have to pay for my expenses and half the bills. I am sure he will ask me again to pay him rent, but he can kiss my ass.

 

Yeah, fair point...

 

Maybe she should couch her "let me go" speech in terms of what it'll cost him for her to stay.

See above. I won't cost him a thing. Now you'll see, when I get a job and start my gigs, he'll do anything to sabotage my income. You'll see. His sole goal is to make me miserable. It must be really lonely being him. I almost feel sorry for him. I can't believe I once was so in love with him and so fearful that he'd dump me. All he was doing all along was create agony for me and watch me wiggle. He enjoyed to see me on my knees, in tears, in fears, desperately trying to save the sinking marriage. Urgh... I can't forgive myself how stupid I was not to see the reality. I honestly believed that he was generally a good man, just... I don't know. I mean, if I was the one who decided to dump him and he turned into a jerk, I'd understand, it happens all the time. But HE was the one who was constantly telling me that he wanted me out and I was the weak one.

 

I'm not sure I understand this.. why don't you take the 125,000 and go back to your parents..

 

Why would you live with this jerk? :eek:

How can I take something that I can't take?

 

My parents live in two different countries; one that I left when I was 14, and another in which I've never lived. I want to stay here, my kids want to stay here, why would I move back?

  • Author
RecordProducer Established Member

RecordProducer

Posted
  • Author
Posted
RP ::Big hugs::

 

I am so sorry you are going through this still. It is very complicated for you as you are being pulled in many different directions, I do not envy you BUT this will only last for as long as YOU allow it to honey

 

I really do believe that your H has a mental illness - Look up this site, it helped me heaps!!!!

 

Welcome to Dr Irene's Verbal Abuse (Site)!

Thanks, Lishy. He is not verbally abusive. He is passive-aggressive. He will say something like "I never sad that" with the most decent tone, but it'd drive me crazy, because he is lying, he is pretending, he is "forgetting" things that happened just a day ago, and he is making a fool out of me. He switches from YES to NO within hours and he blames ME for the changes in the most ridiculous way. That's not a verbally abusive person.

 

E.g. if you ask a 35-year old person "So will you retire soon?" with the cutest smile, you're not verbally aggressive. You are passive-aggressive because you wanted to make them feel old just for the sake of hurting their feelings, but you did it in a "nice" way. He never raises his voice.

 

OK, I am really tired of this thread now. Can weplease stop? :D I should start looking for a job and do some other stuff.

alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
Posted

this is a very strange situation RP, I hope it gets better for you

Enema Established Member

Enema

Posted
Posted
How can I take something that I can't take?

 

I think Lizzie's point was - stop dealing with him.

 

Leave, and make your lawyer deal with him if he's going to be a jerk about it.

 

 

I never feel sorry for abusive men. Not ever. And I'm really surprised to see anyone defend such inhumane treatment of another person. Yes, maybe her crime is in being naive and staying with this jerk, but at least it wasn't pre-meditated and at least she didn't misrepresent who she was. He did.

 

If you could point out where in this thread I have "defended such inhumane treatment of another person" I would appreciate it.

 

Or, your apology when you realize I've done no such thing.

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

Posted
Posted
He will say something like "I never sad that" with the most decent tone, but it'd drive me crazy, because he is lying, he is pretending, he is "forgetting" things that happened just a day ago, and he is making a fool out of me. He switches from YES to NO within hours and he blames ME for the changes in the most ridiculous way. That's not a verbally abusive person.

 

E.g. if you ask a 35-year old person "So will you retire soon?" with the cutest smile, you're not verbally aggressive. You are passive-aggressive because you wanted to make them feel old just for the sake of hurting their feelings, but you did it in a "nice" way. He never raises his voice.

 

RP, what you describe IS verbal abuse.

  • Author
RecordProducer Established Member

RecordProducer

Posted
  • Author
Posted
RP, what you describe IS verbal abuse.
No, verbal abuse is when somebody calls you names and stuff. Well, this was just an example, it wasn't from his arsenal.

Angel, I'd better not talk about verbal abuse, cuz I have called him all the names in the dictionary! :D I mean I am not going to have a selective memory and double standards. Without analyzing him, the diagnosis is: I am not happy with him.

 

The thing is, I enabled him to upset me by reacting to things that shouldn't even cross my ears, let alone my mind or heart. I spoke to his mother two weeks ago and she told me "Just be nice to him and don't expect anything and things will work out, you'll see." I was stupid for answering her question "How are things between you and him?" I should have said "Great. Oh! My cell is ringing. Talk to you later, bye." I was stupid for discussing anything with his mother, who naturaly favors her son over me. But I am glad that she first opened my mind, that he doesn't want e out. His latest action with cancelling the check he gave me in order to move out - simply confirmed my hypothesis. Now I hold more cards than ever.

 

I was stupid cuz when h easked me to pick a layout for re-building "our" house, I bit the bait. I should have said "It's none of my business" or even sit down with him and the architect, but look at the other side and say nothing.

 

I was stupid cuz when he went dancing without me (obviously with the intention of upsetting me), I got mad and got out after him just to show him that I can go out, too. I mean, I can go out, but it shouldn't be because of him. I am not saying it was MY fault that he's a bad husband, but after knowing that I can't trust him and rely on him, I am an idiot if I trust him again and again.

 

I was also stupid for believing him that he wants me out, that he'd make it easier for us and help me purchase a home. If you trust your mortgage broker, you're ignorant. But if you know you cannot trust them and you still play by their rules - you're an idiot.

 

Same with me. I am done trusting him. He proved that he can't be trusted.

  • Author
RecordProducer Established Member

RecordProducer

Posted
  • Author
Posted
this is a very strange situation RP, I hope it gets better for you

Hey Alpha, I haven't seen you in a long time! I've missed you. :D:bunny::)

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...