akphillips Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]During college I was seduced by a young woman and started a long term relationship almost immediately. I had never thought about a same sex relationship before and never gave myself the chance to say no. After my parents found out only several months later I was forced to make a choice to stay by the woman's side or give up. I decided to fight for the relationship and 5.5 years later she broke up with me after I pushed her to go away for the summer. She is an artist and was losing her creativity so I pushed her to spend several weeks at an artist camp several hours from our home. When she came back she broke up with me with no answer or explanation. She wanted to continue to be friends so I did my best (after separating bank accounts, personal belongings, and many memories) to continue a relationship. Now almost a year later I find out she actually cheat while she was away at this artist camp. I became so physically ill when I discovered the photos and explicit journal entries I completely lost it. I have started therapy but just don't know how to get over the anger, pain, and sense of loss that I feel about my life. I feel as if I have lost my whole identity (sexuality, ability to love, and even the knowledge of myself). Is there anyone out there who can give me some specific advice, as I have heard every bit of clichéd babble possible? I know this sounds insensitive but I'm just being honest. [/FONT][/COLOR]
norajane Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 You've probably heard all the cliched babble because it's pretty hard to offer specific advice that would really help someone who feels the overwhelming pain and anger and loss that you do - I'm sorry this has happened. I don't have any great advice either. The only thing that has ever truly helped me when I've been at my lowest is the love and care of my friends and family. And time. Lots of time. I don't know if you've read through any of the threads in the infidelity forum? There are many people who have posted there who have felt as though their entire lives and selves have been turned upside down in a bad way. It might help you to read about the processes they went through to heal. I wish I could be of more help. Good luck to you.
Ronni_W Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Of course, I do not know what clichéd babble you've already be subjected to, so there is a risk that I'll be repeating something you've already rejected. Has your therapist suggested to try to separate out the feelings of anger and pain from the self/sexual identity issues? Because anger, pain and loss are common in all relationship breakdowns -- it may prove useful if you can deal with those on their own merit, so to speak, and without added 'burden' of being confused about the lesbian aspect. Taking everything in your post into account, I absolutely get your sense of loss of self. It is difficult enough for a straight person to deal with a break-up from another straight person (or gay from gay.) But. To be honest, I cannot fathom how one is "seduced" into a 5.5 year relationship, whether sexual orientations 'match', or not. But I do have to guess you're working with your therapist about blaming, taking responsibility for your own adult choices and actions, etc. Though, now that I think about it, I guess it is possible that the blaming is adding to inability to release anger and overcome pain. Many people do experiment in college, but not too many at all turn that into a 5.5 year love affair. And you consciously chose to take a stand against your parents, for your relationship, instead of using that as an 'exit' out of something you'd been "seduced" into. So, something is not congruent about that at all. What would happen if you reached a conclusion that you are, in fact, gay? What might be the best and the worst scenarios? Which of course it is perfectly fine if you don't want to go there, or have been there before, or whatever. Sending hugs, and best wishes for positive outcomes from your therapy.
whichwayisup Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Lesbian or not, you loved this person with all your heart and she betrayed you in the worst way. Instead of being honest with you, she lied to you. That hurts. Keep doing therapy and whatever you do, DON'T blame yourself for her selfish choice to cheat on you.
Author akphillips Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Thank you for your thoughtful response. Seduced is how I look at the start of the relationship since I never imagined dating this woman before she kissed me. And, I do agree, that I did stay in the relationship for that long on my own, I'm definitely not blaming any one for that personal choice. As far as standing up to my parents, I was a stupid teenager and instead of actually weighing the options in front of me I rebelled and stayed with her. And a large part of our 5.5 years was great and one of the first times in my life I experienced true selfless unconditional love but I always struggled with the sexuality part. I think the best way to describe it is how I described my relationship with her to other people. I always said that I didn't love her or date her because she did or did not have a penis, I loved her because of who she was as a person and if she had been a man I would have probably ended up dating him as well. Does that even make any sense?? And I have questioned the sexuality side and I truly do not believe that I easily fit into a category that defines sexuality. All I know is that I never thought I'd be hurt this much by someone who never hurt anyone.[/FONT][/COLOR]
Ronni_W Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 , I loved her because of who she was as a person and if she had been a man I would have probably ended up dating him as well. Does that even make any sense?? Yeah...that does make TOTAL sense (to me, at any rate.) In your original post you also mentioned that you have a sense of loss of your sexual identity -- but you seem much clearer about that in this post, so that is a good thing, I think...because you are not also encumbered by that, and can now just deal with your feelings of betrayal, anger, loss, hurt, disappointment, etc. -- if that makes sense? Which, of course, those feelings are the same whether it's a straight, or gay, or bi relationship, or any combination thereof. And parent/family disapproval could have happened with a guy, too -- if he was "too" old or not smart "enough", or just plain unacceptable for whatever reason. So, regardless of any of that, your feelings are the same and they hurt the same ... And especially for our first love, I think. That first break-up is always so tough to deal with, and adding in the fact that she cheated just compounds it. I do wish for you that your therapy will prove extremely beneficial, and that you also have a wonderfully positive personal support network. If it helps any, we do somehow find ways to make sense of it, to overcome it and to move forward, wiser, stronger and with greater certainty of who we truly are. (((hugs)))
Author akphillips Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Yeah...that does make TOTAL sense (to me, at any rate.) In your original post you also mentioned that you have a sense of loss of your sexual identity -- but you seem much clearer about that in this post, so that is a good thing, I think...because you are not also encumbered by that, and can now just deal with your feelings of betrayal, anger, loss, hurt, disappointment, etc. -- if that makes sense? Yes, that does make sense and even hearing it said back to me makes me feel a little stronger about everything. And the therapy is going well and I am even taking about a month off of work to handle the depression, my feelings, and how everything is hitting me right now. Thank you so much for your understanding, clear prose, and support. My personal support network is very small and another person (especially someone who doesn't know me or the situation personally) does seem to bring clarity.
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