How do you deal with the really bad days?

August 23, 2008

I woke up this morning from a dream that he was with someone else and I had to see them together. I actually woke myself up yelling. It's been 13 months now and still I'm having these dreams. I'm so weary of them.

As soon as I woke up I started crying. I cried this morning like I haven't in some time. I miss him terribly. I want to talk to him about everything I see, want to come home to him again, want to hear his voice. And I can't, because somehow I met the person with whom I had the most in common of anyone I've ever met in my life but he's not speaking to me. It just breaks my heart all over again every day.

I can't forgive myself for everything I did wrong. I feel like if I hadn't pushed him, if I'd played hard to get, if I'd pretended not to care so much, he might still be here. I am embarrassed that I showed him the full extent of my raw and naked love. I am humiliated that he didn't feel it too.

I'm just exhausted by this mourning. I've never gone through anything like this and it's excruciating. He's the only person I can even imagine being with. I get so sad because I'd really like to have sex again someday but I only want it with him.

I don't know what to do. I'm working hard on this with my therapist but I wish there was some way I could make the sobbing spells end. Do you guys have these days, where it feels like you haven't done any healing at all? How do you break yourself out of it and pick yourself back up?

August 23, 2008

I woke up this morning from a dream that he was with someone else and I had to see them together. I actually woke myself up yelling. It's been 13 months now and still I'm having these dreams. I'm so weary of them.

As soon as I woke up I started crying. I cried this morning like I haven't in some time. I miss him terribly. I want to talk to him about everything I see, want to come home to him again, want to hear his voice. And I can't, because somehow I met the person with whom I had the most in common of anyone I've ever met in my life but he's not speaking to me. It just breaks my heart all over again every day.

I can't forgive myself for everything I did wrong. I feel like if I hadn't pushed him, if I'd played hard to get, if I'd pretended not to care so much, he might still be here. I am embarrassed that I showed him the full extent of my raw and naked love. I am humiliated that he didn't feel it too.

I'm just exhausted by this mourning. I've never gone through anything like this and it's excruciating. He's the only person I can even imagine being with. I get so sad because I'd really like to have sex again someday but I only want it with him.

I don't know what to do. I'm working hard on this with my therapist but I wish there was some way I could make the sobbing spells end. Do you guys have these days, where it feels like you haven't done any healing at all? How do you break yourself out of it and pick yourself back up?

There are days when I feel like I'm over my ex, and then there are days when I don't want to get up. What I've done is told myself that these days will come and go, and to expect them to happen. Don't make yourself freak out over every bad day. The more you try to stop them from occurring, the harder it is to get through them.

Understand that it takes some people longer than others to get over things, but its not an impossibility even though it feels like it. I used to wake up and have panic attacks like I was coming back to a reality where she isn't there anymore. I still do to this day, and its been about 2.5 months. All you have to do is tell yourself that you've made it this far without him, so why should it still be such a bother? In all honesty, its all in your head. You don't need him to eat, move, work, and live. Thirteen months without him has proven that. You won't be alone for the rest of your life; just "do you," as my friends have told me.

August 23, 2008

On the really bad days I cry. Those are the days where my heart seems to ignore the logic of my head. Last Saturday was one of those days. I cried a mountain of tears and despite willing myself to stop, I simply couldn't. I realise I'm going to have really bad days and on those days, I will be an emotional mess. But I keep those days in perspective. For the most part I have more good days than I do bad.

August 23, 2008

On the bad days, I just try to keep busy. I go running outdoors, to the gym. Crack open a beer. Let out a few tears. There is no shame in crying, it just means you're courageous enough to accept suffering.

At the end of the day, find something else to obsess about. Set up something really challenging, and go for it!

August 23, 2008

I can't forgive myself for everything I did wrong. I feel like if I hadn't pushed him, if I'd played hard to get, if I'd pretended not to care so much, he might still be here. I am embarrassed that I showed him the full extent of my raw and naked love. I am humiliated that he didn't feel it too.

I feel exactly the same. Right from my first meeting w/ the X, I knew she was a very special person. Since we were both acting like the feeling was mutual, I did not feel at risk for telling her how much I enjoyed being w/her.

Now, I also feel as if I pushed her away. I cared too much too soon and this tears me apart each and every day!

Also, I hit the 1 yr mark of NC this week, and this day dropped me to my knees. I cried like this mess just happened yesterday. Not much I can do to to prevent these days at the moment, so when they happen I just go w/it. If I cry, so be it. The feeling passes or I pass out from fatigue...then I start again hoping that this feeling will change and I will feel ready to meet someone new.

August 23, 2008

What a depressing thread....I REALLY hope that my dreams do not continue this long. I dream about my prior ex's and never once have they made me feel as my current ex dreams do.

August 23, 2008

Today is better. I'm forcing myself to do stuff. Rode to Whole Foods on my bike, bought some good food (big fresh salad, berries, and bread, plus yummy corn soup), did my laundry (all my sheets and towels smell like fabric softener now, yay), and went to visit a friend. Talked to another friend on the phone, and got a message from yet another saying "I love you." I have a rich life. I wish I could share it with him, but he doesn't want that. I alternate between sadness and anger. Today I feel angry, but that's better than crying. I just have to figure out how to live without a relationship, and how not to be bitter when I see other people holding hands, hugging, and kissing out in public. I have to find some way to feel good about myself again even though the person I love most doesn't even want to know me.

August 23, 2008

Sedg,

I am so glad today is better for you. I thought a nice easy ride through the mountains would clear my head...not today.

I felt so bad that I started to cry on my mtn bike ride. Pathetic. All I can think about is she is gone now because I tried too hard to make her happy. This pushed her away. And now I feel like a shell of the person I was before I met her.

I have to find some way to feel good about myself again even though the person I love most doesn't even want to know me.

Does yoga or your belly dancing help get you back to your happy place? I think I am going to get back to a yoga class soon.

Hope your day continues to be a good one.

Namaste

August 23, 2008

Yes, dance/yoga/gymnastics definitely makes me feel better. Been doing a lot of it lately. It's just that it doesn't take away the hurt and anger that is always with me. I wish so much that I could just put him out of my mind and let him go, just let it be over and stop wishing he'd come back. I really do want to get over this trauma. It feels melodramatic to use a word like "trauma," but it really has been. It's been hell. I can't do anything without thinking of him. He's long gone but he's still with me every minute of every day. I dream about him almost every night. I wake up sweating, yelling, vomiting. All of this is still going on. I'm in therapy three days a week now trying to deal with it. I really do want to think that maybe someday I might love or trust again, but it's hard. I can't imagine ever having that much in common with anyone ever again. I can't imagine that that sort of magic happens very many times in anyone's life; what if this was it for me?

Ugh. Sucks to think about it, it really does.

August 24, 2008

I just work on my hobbies and i tend to immerse myself in literature post break-up. Those things always worked for me. If things get really really bad, and I have to work - then i blast some music and force myself through it. In the absence of work, when the pain is particularly intense, I tend to shut down and literally sleep it off. After the nap, the intensity of the emotion usually subsides.

August 24, 2008

I wish so much that I could just put him out of my mind and let him go, just let it be over and stop wishing he'd come back.

Seems like we have some genetic disposition to feel things much more intensely. I focus on things that do me no good. I think the cumulative effect of me thinking about my X hit me today in the form of a full on anxiety attack. All because I can't get this damn hope out of my system.

I can't imagine ever having that much in common with anyone ever again. I can't imagine that that sort of magic happens very many times in anyone's life; what if this was it for me?

And this feeling may also be fuel to my anxiety fire. I am old enough to know better, but when I met my X, the sparks just flew. I have never felt that way about anyone before...I also wonder can I feel that magic again?

When I meet someone new, the first thought that runs through my mind is "she is not my X". I am tired of feeling like "that guy". I used to be happy and carefree, and I am trying to get that back.

I hope you have at least enjoyed your corn soup this evening. My appetite is pretty much crap today.

August 24, 2008

I am embarrassed that I showed him the full extent of my raw and naked love. I am humiliated that he didn't feel it too.

Don't you understand, Sedgwick? He was the WRONG guy for you. If he would not, could not return the love you felt for him then he was always the wrong guy.

And the more of your energy you waste into this guy, the less likely it will be for you to recognize when the right one does come along.

Forgive yourself for picking the wrong man. Forgive him for not feeling the same way. Pick yourself up by the bootstraps (because no one else can do that for you) and learn to love yourself first.

The first step to healing is letting them go. When you let him go, you'll start healing very quickly.

August 24, 2008

The first step to healing is letting them go. When you let him go, you'll start healing very quickly.

If it were as simple as deciding, "I'm going to let him go," I'd have done that some time ago. But I can't help the fact that I dream about him. I can't help the fact I wake up sweating and crying. Those things aren't within my conscious control. Believe me, I wish they were!

August 24, 2008

maybe its not a case of deciding, you know what needs to be done.

all i can say is forget him and move on. he is the past. he has a life and is living it, you also have a life so live it....

August 24, 2008

What helps me is calling someone and not talking about him... Reading self help books till I am blue in the face... talking on forums... I am still trying to gather enough information from all sources of life to recognize that I deserve better... Once that notion sticks, I think I can fully recover...

What blows my mind is what I thought we had... Compatibility, communication, great sex.... Perhaps my idea of an ideal relationship is not his... He would always say its not you it's me... Very cliche... I am not happy with me and if I can't be happy how can I be happy with someone else... another cliche in my opinion... But perhaps the truth... I cannot reconcile his issues... Only he can... So in a wierd way I feel sorry for him...

To me this was a once in a life time.... but as others have said to me. I once thought he was the one... and met someone else and are so thankful he did what he did.... As my friend would say to me after many years of a roller coaster ride... I would still be riding that rollercoaster ride... And look at me now... She has since re-married and has found much happiness... Someday we may look back and think.... What was I thinking....But for now, I do understand perhaps what we thought was good.... may not have been what they thought was good... Otherwise we would be with them...

What is that saying To have loved once is better than not having loved at all.... So I reflect on the good and bad memories and know that he may never come back... So for self preservation I have to do things for me... However long it takes....

August 24, 2008

I made myself sit down tonight and make three lists: one, all the things that were red flags (and they were there from the very beginning); two, all the things I wanted in a relationship and didn't get (and there were lots); and three, all the people I've ever been obsessed with in my life, all of whom I am genuinely over except for Joe. I'm always willing to just accept that I'll be the one who loves more, and it sucks. I'd love to find someone someday who could love me back. I have very, very low hopes of that ever happening, but theoretically, it would be really nice.

August 24, 2008

I woke up this morning from a dream that he was with someone else and I had to see them together. I actually woke myself up yelling. It's been 13 months now and still I'm having these dreams. I'm so weary of them.

As soon as I woke up I started crying. I cried this morning like I haven't in some time. I miss him terribly. I want to talk to him about everything I see, want to come home to him again, want to hear his voice. And I can't, because somehow I met the person with whom I had the most in common of anyone I've ever met in my life but he's not speaking to me. It just breaks my heart all over again every day.

I can't forgive myself for everything I did wrong. I feel like if I hadn't pushed him, if I'd played hard to get, if I'd pretended not to care so much, he might still be here. I am embarrassed that I showed him the full extent of my raw and naked love. I am humiliated that he didn't feel it too.

I'm just exhausted by this mourning. I've never gone through anything like this and it's excruciating. He's the only person I can even imagine being with. I get so sad because I'd really like to have sex again someday but I only want it with him.

I don't know what to do. I'm working hard on this with my therapist but I wish there was some way I could make the sobbing spells end. Do you guys have these days, where it feels like you haven't done any healing at all? How do you break yourself out of it and pick yourself back up?

Wow this could've been written by me a few days ago. Luckily today is a good day. I think holding on is the only way through. Everyone says move on but that's harder than it sounds (especially in my case where it's always a "maybe breaking up will help us heal and move on from all the crap and we can try again in the future"). Hang in there.

August 24, 2008

all the things that were red flags... all the things I wanted in a relationship and didn't get... all the people I've ever been obsessed with in my life.

Haha... those are good lists.

I like the last one, maybe I should make one like that.

(Mine is huge. I was born obsessed.)

Hope you get to talk to him soon, at least he made contact before, hope he does it again and you get to talk. Good luck.

August 24, 2008

If it were as simple as deciding, "I'm going to let him go," I'd have done that some time ago. But I can't help the fact that I dream about him. I can't help the fact I wake up sweating and crying. Those things aren't within my conscious control. Believe me, I wish they were!

The problem is you allow your mind to be occupied with him throughout the day so keeping him out of your dreams is hard.

You need to come up with a plan in your mind of things to think about OTHER than him when you start thinking about him.

Think about your self-respect. He isn't sitting around pining for you, why should YOU sit around pining for him when there is another man out there just dying to meet you???

August 24, 2008

Hey sedgwik, i completely know how you feel...it's been 9 months since the most striking person i ever met told me she "wasn't sure anymore" (after she started it all) because i was totally falling for her...and, as she's a strict coworker and a possessive friend, i'm making a living hell of these months...during the day she's always in front of me, we often have lunch together, and sometime we hang out to do some sport (although i'm now trying to stop seeing her after work) - when she's not near i always come back thinking to her, i wake up at 5am with her in mind...yesterday i went to the disco, and all the girls reminded me of her...i even think to her when i chat to other girls...to be honest, in days like these (this morning is particularly hard) i just try to do something phisical and tiring..swimming is a good thing f.i...then...i also think it over until i get to a more stable mindset...this is fatigating though...as some days i feel like i have to restart all over again the mental path..

what helps:

1) keep meeting new people. It may seems useless at the beginning, but you will raise the probability to find someone to whom you'll click - it happened to me in the past;

2) do things which strenghten your self confidence: learn to play chess (i did), set yourself a phisical target and work for it, plan a trip to explore a country you don't know

3) in the moments of real panic (which still arrive me sometime), i either read loveshack or call a friend or both..

4) be selfish! you have to center your energies and minds on you.

Sedgwik, this WILL be over. Wiser people says it happens when you arrive to accept it..i've still a long way in front of me, but i wish you to come there soon.

August 24, 2008

So what's a good day? I think of him every single day and every single morning when I wake up I realise its all still true.....

What makes a good day good in these circumstances??

August 24, 2008

So what's a good day? I think of him every single day and every single morning when I wake up I realise its all still true.....

What makes a good day good in these circumstances??

When you decide that you love yourself enough to let go of the past, to respect yourself enough to stop pining over someone that doesn't want to be with you.

When you accept that "it is what it is" and you have no control over it. Accept that it's over, pick up the pieces, put yourself back together and decide to move on with your life.

When you do that, healing -- honest healing -- comes along much faster.

August 25, 2008

If it were as simple as deciding, "I'm going to let him go," I'd have done that some time ago. But I can't help the fact that I dream about him. I can't help the fact I wake up sweating and crying. Those things aren't within my conscious control. Believe me, I wish they were!

I feel the exact same way! Everyone says "Move on, let it go" but how? How do you convince yourself that it's NEVER EVER going to happen...it sounds simple but it's so hard to do.

On my really bad days I cook. Sounds stupid, but I won't go to work, and I will put on some music and bake muffins, cakes, casseroles, whatever.

I eventually feel better because I've done something productive and I look at it like something good has come out of the bad.

That's what I'm doing today actually - bad day, have taken the day off work and am setting up for a HUGE chocolate cake

August 25, 2008

If it were as simple as deciding, "I'm going to let him go," I'd have done that some time ago. But I can't help the fact that I dream about him. I can't help the fact I wake up sweating and crying. Those things aren't within my conscious control. Believe me, I wish they were!

Sed, I think the problem is not so much that you still have feeling for this guy but, by what we see in your posts at least, the amount of energy you put into those feelings.

I'm no expert and I don't want to condescend but it seems that you have made your pain over your break-up part of your identity (if that makes sense). Out of curiosity, how long were you with this guy?

I have dreams about my EX too and they tend to come at the worst time. About a week ago, I dreamt that we met again and decided to get back together. When I woke up in the morning, I decided to go back to sleep until I had a better dream so my whole day wouldn't be tainted by that one.

It's not that you have dreams or things that remind you of your EX. It's that when something pops up, it seems you end up immediatly opening every old wound that's there. You once again ask yourself why he left, what you might have done wrong, why you couldn't fix things, ect. If you havn't gotten answers to those questions after 13 months of asking, I don't think you're going to now. I know a lot of us want closure but I think perhaps the best closure one can get some times is to just say, "it didn't work out, I've got other things in my life and some day I'll love someone again."

I spent about two months after my last relationship ended asking why it had happened before realizing I would never know 100% of it. After that, I refuse to let myself go to deeply into it. I won't ask about my EX. I won't look at her Facebook page. When I start to feel bad, I do my best to push on to something else and don't let those painful thoughts catch me.

I'm no expert. I don't know a lot about relationships and I may just be running from the pain of remembering. That said, I know a few things:

1. The constant search for answers just made me stay depressed.

2. Everyone I know who continues to analyze their previous relationships and ask why has not gotten over them and allows themselves to be paralyzed.

3. If I want to be an amazing guy and find an amazing woman to love, I have to live my life the best I can; just as me and not defined by my relationship.

How about the next time something like this happens you don't ask yourself questions, you don't remember what went wrong, you don't analyze, and you don't post here. How about you find a friend and talk about something which has nothing to do with relationships. How about you see if you can break your old jogging record. How about you start reading a book you've put away. How about you simply don't allow your mind to stay in that bad place?

August 25, 2008

How about the next time something like this happens you don't ask yourself questions, you don't remember what went wrong, you don't analyze, and you don't post here. How about you find a friend and talk about something which has nothing to do with relationships. How about you see if you can break your old jogging record. How about you start reading a book you've put away. How about you simply don't allow your mind to stay in that bad place?

Believe me, I fight to push him out of my head a million times a day, and if I wrote here every time I had a dream about him, you'd never hear the end of it. I do hang out with my friends and talk about lots of other things. My knees are far too beat up to jog, but I've started taking gymnastics classes and am working toward a back handspring. I'm a writer, I read like a maniac, I'm surrounded constantly by books. So I do try. I *do* do all those things. And I really am much better than I was a year ago.

Oh, and I was with him for 10 months, and in love with him from afar for a year before that.

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How do you deal with the really bad days?

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