gummybear Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Ok, I dated this guy for about 1.5 months and he treated me like gold and just this Sunday I broke up with him because I don't want to do long distance with him (I moved away to a new city after only 4 weeks of dating him) and basically while I had feelings for him they weren't strong enough for me to want to continue an LDR. He told me he's very hurt by it and we last chatted yesterday where he told me that he has to stop talking to me for awhile, though not permanently, because he has to have time/space to separate his attachment to me. He told me to take care until he is ok with talking to me again. I truly understand why he can't talk to me and for the past 30 hours I've been looking at his screen name on IM (I'd delete it then add it back after a short while). I've been obsessing over wanting to IM or text him and it's been hard. I'm trying my best because I know it will only reopen the wound for him. But anyone been in my situation before? What should I do to ease these urges to contact him? I do have feelings for him but not the kind strong enough for a relationship, especially a long distance one.
Green Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Ok, I dated this guy for about 1.5 months and he treated me like gold and just this Sunday I broke up with him because I don't want to do long distance with him (I moved away to a new city after only 4 weeks of dating him) and basically while I had feelings for him they weren't strong enough for me to want to continue an LDR. He told me he's very hurt by it and we last chatted yesterday where he told me that he has to stop talking to me for awhile, though not permanently, because he has to have time/space to separate his attachment to me. He told me to take care until he is ok with talking to me again. I truly understand why he can't talk to me and for the past 30 hours I've been looking at his screen name on IM (I'd delete it then add it back after a short while). I've been obsessing over wanting to IM or text him and it's been hard. I'm trying my best because I know it will only reopen the wound for him. But anyone been in my situation before? What should I do to ease these urges to contact him? I do have feelings for him but not the kind strong enough for a relationship, especially a long distance one. Sounds like his NC is working whether its because he wants to get you back or if he really does want to move on. I guess you could contact him if you want to do the LDR thing... but whats the point if your still breaking up
Author gummybear Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 Sounds like his NC is working whether its because he wants to get you back or if he really does want to move on. I guess you could contact him if you want to do the LDR thing... but whats the point if your still breaking up I think I want to contact him probably because I'm so used to talking to him ALL the time for the past 1.5 months. When we talked yesterday things felt ok for me again because I had him to talk to. Once he said no more contact, it's like I'm going through the withdrawals again. For sure I know I made the right decision but the right thing to do is not always the easiest. I feel in my gut that we won't work out and it will be better and less hurtful for me to end it sooner rather than later. I know I just have to wait until he is ready to talk to me again but it's getting a bit difficult. I guess you can say that even though I do not want to be with him, I still like having him as my friend and I miss the friendship part of us.
Green Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I think I want to contact him probably because I'm so used to talking to him ALL the time for the past 1.5 months. When we talked yesterday things felt ok for me again because I had him to talk to. Once he said no more contact, it's like I'm going through the withdrawals again. For sure I know I made the right decision but the right thing to do is not always the easiest. I feel in my gut that we won't work out and it will be better and less hurtful for me to end it sooner rather than later. I know I just have to wait until he is ready to talk to me again but it's getting a bit difficult. I guess you can say that even though I do not want to be with him, I still like having him as my friend and I miss the friendship part of us. You didn't have to break up with him. You can have an LDR, otherwise your just going to go back to square one. Cold turkey is the best way to break up
Author gummybear Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 You didn't have to break up with him. You can have an LDR, otherwise your just going to go back to square one. Cold turkey is the best way to break up I know I have to go cold turkey. But gosh, it sucks. My withdrawals are getting worse as this NC thing continues. I feel like I just want to call him up and have those 2 hours conversations we used to have...
soserious1 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I think I want to contact him probably because I'm so used to talking to him ALL the time for the past 1.5 months. When we talked yesterday things felt ok for me again because I had him to talk to. Once he said no more contact, it's like I'm going through the withdrawals again. For sure I know I made the right decision but the right thing to do is not always the easiest. I feel in my gut that we won't work out and it will be better and less hurtful for me to end it sooner rather than later. I know I just have to wait until he is ready to talk to me again but it's getting a bit difficult. I guess you can say that even though I do not want to be with him, I still like having him as my friend and I miss the friendship part of us. You dumped him but you'd kinda like to keep him around to talk to on IM, somebody to fill the time till you get settled in and meet new people.Later down the road, you'll be able to talk to him all about your new relationships too right, just like a girlfriend. He's cut off contact with you because he's got enough friends and he's not interested in serving as your emotional tampon. You dumped this guy, respect his wishes,delete his number from your cell and his IM info from your chat applications and move on.
coffeemaker Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I'm going to second soserious1 here. You dumped him. Please respect his wishes for NC. Furthermore, don't have any hope he'll come back as a "friend" once he gets over his attachment. If he's interested in building a friendship with you when he's over it, he'll get in touch. If not, well, too bad. That's how that goes.
wareagle Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 You dumped him! Leave him alone! Let him heal and move on! You don't want him in your life as a partner, why should he want you in his life as a friend? He still loves you and wants to have a relationship with you other than friends! It's not fair to him to want to keep him around as an emotional outlet when you need a shoulder to lean on! Don't keep him hanging thinking maybe there is a chance that you want to reconcile things by communicating with him! It's all or nothing! Once the relationship ends it's impossible to remain friends with someone when one person still has romantic feelings!
MichiganMan222 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Are you paying attention to what everyone is saying????? I got dumped and did the NC thing and I get an eCard from the dumper for my Bday. I didn't respond to it in any way.....then she emails and TXs me basically saying it wasn't nice to not thank her for it. So I finally email her and explain WHY I wasn't responding. It was nothing personal, its about self-preservation. She then goes on a tirade about how she should've never bothered with this gesture and she wasn't just trying to be nice, but rather genuinely cares about me. I respond...let me put it this way...do you want to get back together? No? OK then....NC! She responds 'I just need to stop missing you' and that's the last I heard.....so morale of the story, whatever your motives...you feel sorry for him or you are regretting your decision.....leave him alone. Don't contact him unless you actually want to patch things up and resume the relationship. Then if you're lucky, he will forgive you for dumping him in the first place. And if you've dated since then, then don't bother. We guys want woman who see us as a Plan A and not a Plan B.
vonerik012 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 So, you are using him for attention until you are settled into your new city and meet someone else? Wonderful.
Author gummybear Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 If you all read my posts carefully, you will all know that I'm tryning my best NOT to contact him because like I said I know that everytime I talk to him I'm reopening the wound. And as MichiganMan's ex said, I'm ALSO just trying my best to STOP missing him. I KNOW that I shouldn't contact him and I'm just asking what is the best way to cope with that. I may be the dumper but I'm not evil and I'm obviously currently not pestering him to talk to me or to be my friend. When he said he wanted NC, I told him at that the time that I will miss him but if it's what is best for him then ok. I'm trying to live up to my word. But at the same time I find myself obsessing over him on IM and thinking bout him alot and I just want it to stop which is why I came here for advice on how to stop. Guess what, the dumper hurts and misses and has feelings and tries to cope too!
Angel1111 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Any contact from you will only raise his hopes. If you really don't feel strongly enough about him, then do him a favor and don't jerk him around. Just leave him alone. The best way to cope with your feelings of missing him is to remind yourself that you're doing the best thing for him and his feelings. Sometimes it helps to know that we're helping someone else when we make certain sacrifices.
MichiganMan222 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 GummyBear, we know you're trying not to contact him and that's the right thing to do and very noble. I guess to answer your question as to HOW to resist the urge, consider what everyone is saying and what you're doing to him if you did contact him. Then use that as inspiration to NOT contact him. But I think you need to ask yourself WHY you're having such issues here. Perhaps deep down you feel like you made the wrong decision? I just don't understand this.
Author gummybear Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 GummyBear, we know you're trying not to contact him and that's the right thing to do and very noble. I guess to answer your question as to HOW to resist the urge, consider what everyone is saying and what you're doing to him if you did contact him. Then use that as inspiration to NOT contact him. But I think you need to ask yourself WHY you're having such issues here. Perhaps deep down you feel like you made the wrong decision? I just don't understand this. Thanks for everyone's advice. I think my urges come from the reasons similar to your exes. I know I made the right decision. But it's hard to go from talking to someone everyday (sometimes hours on the phone) to just none at all. Guess there has to be an adjustment period. This is only second day of NC...seems like its been forever haha.
wareagle Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I know it's hard, but if you ever loved or cared at all for this guy then let him be. Pull up your skirt and don't contact him! I have no sympathy for dumpers! You made your bed now lie in it!!!!
coffeemaker Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 Sure, it can be tough. I mean, there's not much advice to give here unfortunately. It's the same advice you'd give to someone to got dumped. Delete any emails, remove his number from your phone, delete any text messages, just literally ERASE him out of your life and stick to NC. That means removing him from your chat applications as well. Out of sight --> out of mind. Then just go about your day and give it time. Easy to say, harder to do. Don't feed the addiction/obsession.
WiseOne1 Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 Ooo. I kinda feel bad for this guy, well anyways. Alot of times when people end the relationship, it also ends the friendship. The reason while you shouldnt contact him is that he needs to move on. You dont think hes good enough to date LD so therefore you shouldnt think hes good enough to be a LD friend. Thats just the way stuff goes. Everytime you contact him your gonna give him hope, and the longer he has hope the longer its gonna take him to get over you. And you already over him, you ready to go out and start dating new guys any moment now arent you? So once you get him all use to you again and all worked up, the next thing thats gonna happen, since your over him! Your gonna get a new BF, and start to tell him about him, and its gotta ruin the guy, the guys gonna be hurt. But your saying that you just so use talking to him, thats why you wanna call him, and theres nothing at all wrong with that, thats exactly how me and my ex are. Me and my ex were best friends 5 years before we started dating, and the only reason while I didnt go NC when we broke up, is because I felt so use to her, but I just went NC, shes moved on, and me staying in contact with her isnt allowing me to move on. She says its not fair, but it is, you cant expect to hurt someone and have them be there for you. You have to deal with the consequences of what comes with friendship and relationship, and when you delete 1, the other one might just come bundled with it. Just like you had to do whats best for you, he has to do whats best for him.
Author gummybear Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 Yea it makes total sense what you said. Everytime I miss him, I try to remind myself of this thread. I went to watch 'Wall E' today and it made me think of him...made me so sad! Then I just tried to make myself remember all the reasons why I broke up with him to make myself feel better. It's been 3.5 days of NC now and I'm still quite for now.
BCCA Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Just remind yourself that if you really care, its the right thing to do. I went NC for a few weeks when my ex left me, and then tried to see if she wanted to grab lunch. She said not yet, which at the time I felt was bitchy since she just broke my heart. But, each day that goes by it gets a little easier, and I know why she doesnt call or want to get together. Shes over me, and knows that to be fair to me she needs me to be over her.
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