sadlymarried Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 My husband and I have been married for six years now, and were only together for 11 months before getting married. Most of the time I am very unhappy in our marriage so I'm looking for an outlet or some sympathy or advice. When we met I fell in love quickly. I am a few years older than my husband and quite a bit more experienced. I had been in other serious long-term relationships so although we moved quickly I felt confident that I was making the right decision for me. My husband had never had a real girlfriend, was a virgin, and was still living at home with his parents. I did have doubts that he was rushing into things, mostly because he felt guilty about having unmarried sex. I think the biggest problem I have with our marriage is simply feeling completely unconnected to my husband. Rarely do I feel like we are a couple in love rather than just two people that share the same house. We have few similar interests besides movies and some TV shows. We don't talk much and when we do it is less of a conversation and more of a simple exchange of information if that makes any sense. Sexually things are just a mess. I was what one might call a "slut" in my pre-married days, mostly due to excessive drinking and a low self esteem. As I stated previously my husband was a virgin. Despite all of my experience I am a bit of a prude. I was happy sexually initially with my husband simply because he could cause me to orgasm, which many men haven't. We never had a very active sex life, frequently going weeks between sexual encounters. That always seemed odd to me since I'm used to men always wanting sex, but I realized I had a pretty low sex drive, so I was OK with it. Now we frequently go months without having sex. Both of us masturbate and look at pornography, so again despite being married, we live like roommates. I know my husband is attracted to me, because he does get turned on and want sex on occasion. I think I am probably just not really into what he wants. When I have the energy to do anything I just want regular missionary style sex, with some oral thrown in to complete me. My husband has always wanted anal sex, which I won't do because it disgusts me and I am afraid of the pain. My husband also likes me to put things in is anus, and I recently found him looking at transvestite porn, so his desire there goes deeper than I suspected. Another major frustration I have is that I feel like I must do all the work around our house. We both work full-time and have a 21 month old son, with another child soon to come (We get pregnant quick, which is good considering our sex life). My husband will come home and completely tune out everything going on around him, leaving me to get dinner and take care of our son. Our house is always a mess, since he makes almost as much of a mess as our son, and I get tired of cleaning up after him. He will help out usually if I ask, but I get tired of the asking. We had a blow up awhile back. My H was on the computer and I gave our son dinner and ate dinner myself right next to my H. I then cleaned up my son's mess and was finishing my dinner. My husband sees me eating, and asks if our son has eaten. I blew up at him. I finally just started yelling and asked him if he would care or even notice when I up and leave him because I hate being married to him so much. He was really surprised. He says he loves me, and doesn't want to lose me, and I believe him. The problem is I don't know if I love him at all or just stay because it is easier. I feel no sexual desire towards him, and more often than not feel nothing but frustration and irritation towards him. I just don't know what to do.
Walk Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Sit your hubby down and tell him "If you begin participating in this marriage then I won't leave your sorry butt." You married a guy that has never had to live on his own. He went straight from mommy and daddy's to your capable hands. Why would he change from the little boy he's always been? You'll take care of him and all the chores. Sorry you are so unhappy in your marriage. I know how badly that can sap your strength. It limits you because you don't have that platform to push off from like you would with someone who's willing to help out with the day to day chores. Or even just to have someone who motivates you when you're feeling down. It makes life 10 times harder then it has to be when your spouse is just another child. My suggestions: Buy a few books on relationships (His needs/her needs *I forgot the authors name*). You read one and hand your hubby another one. Both of you take notes and discuss the books as you read them. Discuss with your H a schedule for cleaning, child care, etc and divide them as evenly as possible. If he doesn't hold up his end of the bargin, then discuss with him hiring a cleaning service, or having meals catered in. If he won't put in the effort, then he needs to fork over the money. Its one or the other. Go to marriage counseling. Talk to friends or family to see if they know of any good ones in your area, or do some research on the web. Then drag your husband to counseling. Ask him first, then set it up and take him with you. It should help both of you learn how to communicate your problems more effectively and find better ways to resolve problems. You two have a lot of problems that you may not be able to bridge. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to an attorney now to see what your rights are, and what options you will have if this marriage comes to an end.
RecordProducer Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Welcome to the club of married woman. Room mates, slaves, servant... Some women get it balanced by having their husbands wrapped around their fingers. But since you are not the dominant type of woman, marriage is a ad institution for you unless you're equal with your partner. I don't think he will change. You seem to be over him already. Either talk to him and try to work on the marriage (perhaps marriage counseling) or get a divorce. I am currently in a second awful marriage, so I favor freedom most of all. I don't see why a woman needs to be married ans suffer. No, it's not easier to live with a husband you can't' stand. I used to b very much in love with mine, but now I am trying to get out of the marriage (after he kicked me out of the house many times and he isn't letting me go).
whichwayisup Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Open up and talk to him. Tell him what you've posted about, and communicate. Both of you need to put in 100%, give and take, share the responsibilities - Stop being roommates and start being a loving couple! Marriage counselling could help if you're both willing to go. For the sake of your kids, you two owe to them, let alone to yourselves to continue to work hard and make the marriage better. You used to be sexually attracted to him, but frustration and resentment has pushed those feelings away..
Author sadlymarried Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 I know we need help, but I don't think he believes, despite my telling him how unhappy I am that there is anything wrong with our relationship. I'm also six months pregnant so I don't want to do anything too drastic while my hormones may be clouding my vision. We tried marriage counseling once, he was very reluctant to go, but did do it. We had a very bad counselor though, I think because I couldn't find anyone good covered under our insurance. He mostly wanted to see us separately and we only saw him together once. We just stopped going because neither of us felt like it was helping. I have seen therapists several times in my life and I think it is time to start again. I have so many thoughts and feelings in my head, but I just can't seem to verbalize them to my husband at all. I am afraid of hurting him, and afraid of pissing him off. I know I need to get past all of my issues first so I can face him openly and honestly and see if there is anything left to save. Sometimes I feel cruel having so many negative thoughts and feelings towards a man who seems totally clueless. I think because he watched his parents marriage fall apart while they continue to live in the same house, it just doesn't bother him for us to live basically separate lives.
RecordProducer Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 I'm also six months pregnant so I don't want to do anything too drastic while my hormones may be clouding my vision. I don't think your hormones are clouding your vision, since I haven't heard a single woman admit that she felt unhappy during her pregnancy, but later realized it was all due to her state. You are pregnant, you are not insane. On that note, you are pregnant and you will need help with your baby. The baby will benefit from having a father in his life. I am not saying you should stay (it's your decision), but I don't see that the environment is abusive or unbearable to hurt the child. You can't go on dates now anyway. I know how it feels, you still see yourself as a young girl free to do whatever she wants, but when you deliver the baby, it will become the center of your universe. If you decide to leave, you must figure out how you're going to support yourself and who will take care of the baby (other than you). I think you just feel disappointed because marriage didn't bring the romance and excitement you expected. As I said, welcome to married life. You don't have to be married to this person (or anyone at all), but now is not the time to make big moves. Just my two cents.
Gunny376 Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Are you kidding me RP, being "pregno" is nothing but a bath of hormones! Just ask any man whose gone through one! (Reminds me of the "Joker" in CA at the 7-11 @ 2 AM in the morning telling me that a pacifier was a TOY! Closest I've ever came to a homocide! I promise you the word "pacifer" takes on a whole new meaning once you become a parent! Your whole world revolves around that damned thing, and you get seriously upset if she throws it out the window on Rio del Grande Drive in Oceanside, CA at 1:00 A.M.)
RecordProducer Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Are you kidding me RP, being "pregno" is nothing but a bath of hormones! Just ask any man whose gone through one! Hahah! I am glad you realize how ridiculous it sounds when a man talks about pregnancy. Well, of course, any man would say that his wife was unhappy with him because of her hormones and not because something was wrong with him! It's either pregnancy's or PMS's fault - never the man's. My husband stopped having sex with me a couple weeks after I moved in with him and he said he got disgusted by me cuz I snooped in his computer. So, Gunny, just for the record, if I visit you in Alabama, and you catch me snooping in your PC, are you going to stop having sex with me?
Gunny376 Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 No RP I wouldn't have sex with you, I'm very sellective. Nothing personal. Although I do find you intellualliy engaging and stimullaing woman As Mr. Spock would say? I find you? Fasacting! You're going to have to find YOUR own way in life ~ ALONE! You need to simply accept the fact that you're uniqe and different and not cut from the same clothe of others? You're a DaVinchie ~ a Micheleglo. THAT'S WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS! YOUR FREAKING GIFTED AND DON'T FREAKING KNOW IT!
RecordProducer Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 No RP I wouldn't have sex with you, I'm very sellective. Nothing personal. Although I do find you intellualliy engaging and stimullaing woman Then why wouldn't you? Not your type? THAT'S WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS! YOUR FREAKING GIFTED AND DON'T FREAKING KNOW IT! Huh?! What do you mean? I do know that I am talented for music, but I don't think you've ever heard my music. What are you talking about?
marlena Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 I do know that I am talented for music, but I don't think you've ever heard my music. What are you talking about? Hello, my dear RP, I don't know about Gunny but I know for a fact that you have talent. I also know that you are beautiful, intelligent and sensitive. You, however, are not living up to your fullest potential all because of a man who is not only fulfilling one iota of your needs but also making your life a living hell. Surely, you know that you deserve to be loved by a REAL man. Heck, even no man is better than is. My question is why aren't you doing something about it? My impression of you is that you are a young lady with a lot of spunk and a fiercely independent spirit. Yet you are allowing this man to kill every aspect of your uniqueness. It is easy, I know, to lose oneself in the manipulations of an abusive partner but, my sweet, you need to put a stop to it NOW. It's as simple as it is hard. Just take your children and whatever money you have and walk out that door. You can not possibly still have feelings for this man. If you do, then, you need to think long and hard about what is flawed within yourself that you should choose to remain at the receiving end of such an abusive relationship. Once you've admitted to yourself that there must be something deeply wrong with you to stay, do everything that you can to fix it and break free both emotionally and physically. The only prison that you are in is one of your own making. Surely, you can see that. Come on, RP, you don't need this. We are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Often, it just takes that one step over the threshold to find ourselves again. Sum up all your courage and determination and do it. There is a better life for you out there. I can guarantee that there is. As always, M
marlena Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Sadlymarried, I apologize for t/j-ing. For some reason, I thought this was RP's thread. On to your problem. I don't know if your marriage is a mistake or just simply going through a rough patch. You both proceeded very quickly - short courtship, marriage, first child and now a second on the way. Children, as much of a blessing as they are, very often push a marriage to its limits. The focus shifts away from the relationship to meeting the demands of parenthood. Romance is shelfed and getting down to the business of raising the children becomes top priority. It is a very taxing time and one that takes time, effort,patience and love to adjust to. If I were you, I wouldn't rush into making any life-altering decisions right now. You need to carry this baby to full term and look after your health as well. As for the sex part, you could try to instill some spice and variety into it by experimenting beyond the missionary position. Once you begin, you might find that you yourself might enjoy it more. Nothing is worse than boring, predictable sex. I know this is probably not the time to focus on this but I am sure that you can make some small adjustments. If the sex improves, I guarantee that so will your marriage. Good luck. M
Dark-N-Romantic Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I am going to be straight forward... The issue isn't him right now, its you. I have not seen so many Is in a letter. Did you get a sale on those? Its all about you and what he is not doing for you or to you (P.S. we really did not need to know about your sex life or that you let your hubby stick stuff up your butt either). Right now I am thinking I have more sympathy for him than you. Here are the things you need to look at... 1. You chose a the man for a reason. Rather for good or ill, you chose him. 2. You made a vow with him knowing what its true intended purpose was... To bind a man and a woman together forever. 3. You convinced him to marry after 11 months. 4. You choose not to talk to him or find out what is wrong. 5. You are too much into you. You need to get over yourself, and start injecting you into the marriage and then maybe he will start more of himself into the marriage and they you both can start growing together as one. Remember this... You are not a victim. He is not a victim. The only victim in that household is your son and any pets you may have. Things are the way they are because you wanted them to be that way. For 6 years you worked at nothing but the slow erosion of this marriage. What you need to figure out are these things... 1. Why did you two get married? 2. How serious do you really take your vows? 3. What is best for you, him, ya'll, and any other lives you two are responsible for. 4. What is it you need to fight for in order to stay in or leave the marriage. DNR Marriage and love should not be games or playthings that we can just toss aside when we aren't entertained anymore.
Arise_Serpentor Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Do something no one tries on here and hardly ever suggests: Marriage Counseling! I know a few people it has helped. All the bad advice on here regarding this topic isn't better than that!
soserious1 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I know we need help, but I don't think he believes, despite my telling him how unhappy I am that there is anything wrong with our relationship. I'm also six months pregnant so I don't want to do anything too drastic while my hormones may be clouding my vision. We tried marriage counseling once, he was very reluctant to go, but did do it. We had a very bad counselor though, I think because I couldn't find anyone good covered under our insurance. He mostly wanted to see us separately and we only saw him together once. We just stopped going because neither of us felt like it was helping. I have seen therapists several times in my life and I think it is time to start again. I have so many thoughts and feelings in my head, but I just can't seem to verbalize them to my husband at all. I am afraid of hurting him, and afraid of pissing him off. I know I need to get past all of my issues first so I can face him openly and honestly and see if there is anything left to save. Sometimes I feel cruel having so many negative thoughts and feelings towards a man who seems totally clueless. I think because he watched his parents marriage fall apart while they continue to live in the same house, it just doesn't bother him for us to live basically separate lives. few couples are "happy" during the early years of child rearing, they isn't much in the way of "we"or "me" time or of shared interests for that matter.It is a rough stage in a marriage but it can and it will pass. You have a 21 month old and a new baby on the way, you owe it to your children to pull out all the stops here and figure out your part in this, you cannot change your husband but you can change your responses to him,if he won't go to counseling with you, go alone.
Arise_Serpentor Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 You have a 21 month old and a new baby on the way, you owe it to your children to pull out all the stops here and figure out your part in this, you cannot change your husband but you can change your responses to him,if he won't go to counseling with you, go alone. Agree. This is good advice here!
fadinglove Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 He says he loves me, and doesn't want to lose me, and I believe him. The problem is I don't know if I love him at all or just stay because it is easier. I feel no sexual desire towards him, and more often than not feel nothing but frustration and irritation towards him. I just don't know what to do. You have just described my feeling towards my husband. And I am in the same boat. I dont know what to do...
carhill Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 You have just described my feeling towards my husband. And I am in the same boat. I dont know what to do... Understand and empathize. MC with help if you want it to. You have to be willing to take a hard look at yourself in the mirror. I noted DNR's posting above in response to the OP. Regardless of application, IMO, introspection is necessary to find a healthy balance in one's own psyche. From there, rebuilding or healing on one's own can occur. I wish you well
Lizzie60 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Common .. common .. common problems.... (except for your H's sex drive) My advice: have a SERIOUS talk with him.. along with an ultimatum (I am usually against ultimatum) but in your case, I don't see how you can deal with this situation cause I don't think he's going to change... He has obviously NO respect for you and your son... He is a lazy and selfish azz.. If nothing changes.. them pack up your stuff and leave.. maybe that's what he needs to wake up and smell the java... Counselling for you alone is like going to AA when your husband is the alcoholic.. makes no sense to me..
carhill Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Lizzie, dollars to donuts, if she just leaves and gets no counseling, she'll get sucked back in again. Obviously, IC is what she needs if exiting, but, still, working on oneself can't hurt in this situation. I was responding to a subsequent poster, not the OP, so don't know if that has bearing or not.
Author sadlymarried Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 So how do you find a good marriage counselor, or a good therapist period for that matter? I know I have plenty of my own issues. I've got walls built up around me so thick that I scare myself. I know they are there, I know I want to break through them and just talk, but I can't seem to make myself do it. Yeah, tons of things my husband does drive me up the wall, but he is just being who he is. I know that to heal my marriage I've got to be able to communicate instead of shutting down. We did move into our marriage quickly, but were married four years before getting pregnant, so we didn't just rush everything. What I'm hoping to get out of these postings is mostly just an outlet for some of my feelings that I don't seem to be able to share with my husband. Maybe some advice from people in similar situations that found ways to improve their marriages. Seriously, if anyone can tell me how to find a good therapist marriage or otherwise, I'm all ears. Thanks again for everyone that posted helpful and kind words.
carhill Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Don't know if it's typical, but personal referrals seem to work for me. A business colleague referred me to his lawyer, and a client of my wife's who is a psychologist referred us to a psychologist colleague of hers for MC. Very satisfying results in both cases.
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