Should I inform OM's Spouse?

[LoyalGirl]

I would send an a anonymous letter to the wife....

[soda]

I would send an a anonymous letter to the wife....

 

OM will just find a way to explain his way out of an anonymous letter.

 

I like the idea of making original poster's wife do the heavy lifting here. Make W tell the BS what she's been doing with OM. Let's make this affair as unattractive as possible.

 

Whatever you do, W no longer gets to call the shots.

[whichwayisup]

has said in no uncertain terms that if I do this our re-conciliation would not be possible and our marriage would be over. ...

 

She is saying that so the affair can go under ground and continue. She is addicted to how this guy makes her feel and THAT is why she doesn't want his wife to know.

 

Soda is right, your wife doesn't call the shots, nor should she be making threats.

 

Call his wife, tell her.

[porter218]

I still think you should have your wife do it. Hand her the phone and say "Listen, either you call and tell her, or I will. But if you don't, then I'm divorcing you."

 

Really good idea. This allows her to take responsibility for all this pain she has caused, and proves she has recommitted to the M.

[Brionikos]

OP, if I may tell a little tale...

 

I was having an affair with a MW, my W found out and threatened to tell and I cut a deal with her, the thread is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t161361/

 

Well, the other night it came to a head... my W wrote - but did not send OW's H an e-mail, more to threaten me she would. W got called away to work unexpectedly. A couple hours later, my 13 year-old daughter logged on to her mom's (my W) computer, and lo and behold... the e-mail was up. (W and I have seperate PCs, I never log on to her's unless there is an "IT" issue.)

 

My daughter read the e-mail to be sent to MW's H. My daughter hit the send button.

 

The results were not pretty, MW's H threatened my W.

 

So, I would say from personal experience, it probably isn't a good idea.

[whichwayisup]

My daughter read the e-mail to be sent to MW's H. My daughter hit the send button

 

Your poor daughter..I feel for her..

 

I don't want to thread jack this thread, so why not copy and paste your most recent update and put it on your thread..I'll answer there..

[reservoirdog1]

She agreed to break off the relationship the same day and called the guy in front of me and told him that it was over. She has agreed to never contact him again. This of course doesn't mean she won't see him at the local academy once in a while, but she's promised to only say hello if spoken to and nothing else.

 

It's wonderful that she's promised to only say hello. And if you believe that, I've got a bridge to sell you.

 

I suppose it's possible that any future contact will be limited just like she says it will be. But it's highly unlikely. For now, until she has proven her trustworthiness to you, you should take everything she says with a truckload of salt. If a little "hi" from her turns into a longer conversation than that, you don't honestly believe she's going to admit it, do you?

 

Ideally, she shouldn't be at that academy anymore. If the academy isn't somehow necessary to her career, i.e. if it's purely something she goes to because she wants to, then I say you put her to a choice: the academy, or her marriage to you. NOT both.

 

To the point of the matter and my current dilemma. I told my wife I feel I should let the OM's spouse know of his infidelities. I feel terrible that someone else out there is being betrayed and will probably be betrayed again. My wife feels that this would only hurt more people, that it's not my place to break up someone elses marriage and has said in no uncertain terms that if I do this our re-conciliation would not be possible and our marriage would be over. I know she loved this guy and I think she wants to protect him and his family.

 

Absolutely, tell his wife. Your wife's response to the suggestion is absolutely textbook. Ask anybody who's been through it. I got the same crap from my XW; only difference was, I gave in and didn't do it. It's five years in the past now, but if I had one lingering regret, it was that I didn't tell the OM's wife.

 

Yes, his wife will be hurt to learn the truth. But whose fault is that? Her husband's for betraying her? Or yours for simply being the bearer of bad news? Cheaters always try to deflect the blame, to try to put it anywhere except on themselves. Besides which, your motives don't have to be altruistic. As somebody else said, you need the affair exposed because you need his wife watching him like a hawk. Affairs thrive in secrecy, and when both betrayed spouses know about it, it's a lot harder for it to continue. And a lot of affairs DO continue even after one of the betrayed spouses learns the truth.

 

Of course your wife warned you that the marriage will be over if you expose the OM to his wife. That, too, is crap. It's the only card she has to play right now, and it's of absolutely no value. SHE IS LYING TO YOU WHEN SHE SAYS THAT. If you expose and your wife leaves, she was going to leave anyway. I guarantee you that, if you do tell his wife, your wife will rant and bitch and flail about impotently, tell you that you've ended the chance for reconciliation. But I also guarantee you that, behind that facade, she will develop a sudden jolt of respect for you, which right now is sorely lacking. Secretly, she will see you as somebody who's not prepared to just roll over and take her humiliation and betrayal, or let her -- the betrayer -- dictate terms to you, the betrayed.

 

Oddly enough from the correspondence I've seen, he does seem like a really nice guy who fell in love with a lonely beautiful woman who needed some type of emotional attachment in her life.

 

Yes, I'm sure he was a real sweetie when he was boning your wife.

 

Sorry to be so blunt buddy, but you need to wake up. That "really nice guy" is nothing more than a cancer on your marriage. You don't bargain with a cancer, or try to see its good qualities. You destroy it, without mercy or hesitation -- because if you don't, it'll do the same to you.

[username24]

TELL THE OM'S W. I can not stress this enough. Here are a couple of points to ponder:

 

1. A's thrive in secrecy

2. Your W has NO right to make any demands.

3. If you were the OP spouse, wouldn't you want to know?

4. Your wife is putting his well being above yours. <--- Think about this one for a bit. Pretty ****ty eh?

 

When it comes down to it, your motives for telling the OP's spouse doesn't matter. You are in a fight for your M, if you want to save it, you HAVE to tell the OP's S. Like others have said, if you W was so concerned about the OM's family, she wouldn't have ****ed him.

[Gunny376]

TELL THE OM'S W. I can not stress this enough. Here are a couple of points to ponder:

 

1. A's thrive in secrecy

2. Your W has NO right to make any demands.

3. If you were the OP spouse, wouldn't you want to know?

4. Your wife is putting his well being above yours. <--- Think about this one for a bit. Pretty ****ty eh?

 

When it comes down to it, your motives for telling the OP's spouse doesn't matter. You are in a fight for your M, if you want to save it, you HAVE to tell the OP's S. Like others have said, if you W was so concerned about the OM's family, she wouldn't have ****ed him.

 

 

SAY THAT AGAIN! DON'T HESITATE! STAND UP, STAND UP AND TELL IT ALL BROTHER!

[bish]

First off I'd like to thank so many of the people here for posting their personal stories and others who are providing much needed insight and advice.

 

My wife and I have been married for 12 years with 2 kids. I love her completely and treasure her and my children. I haven't been the best husband in terms of communicating to her about how much I love her.

 

That isn't an excuse for her to do what she did.

 

 

I know I also haven't made her feel special and loved like I should have.

 

What has she done for you? Did she wallow you with affection? Or did she never make you feel loved either?

 

People get comfortable in their marriages and yes, don't communicate their love like they should. But you can't tell me she didn't treat you the same way you did her.

 

 

Fast forward a couple weeks and I still have nagging doubts. I installed some software on our network and everything was revealed to me. Over 400 emails from the last 6 months detailing their relationship from it's early flirtatious beginnings to it's gruesome end. She's sent hundreds of her pictures and he's sent her back as many. Many of them quite compromising in nature. The most devastating part however were the many declarations of everlasting love, never having loved someone as much, I hope to always have you in my life etc...

 

Well I confronted her the same day and she was incredibly upset and repentent, afraid of losing me and breaking up our family. She states that she loves me much more than this guy and that our family and the time we've had together is more important to her that anything else. She agreed to break off the relationship the same day and called the guy in front of me and told him that it was over. She has agreed to never contact him again. This of course doesn't mean she won't see him at the local academy once in a while, but she's promised to only say hello if spoken to and nothing else.

 

I love her so much and I want for this to work out.

 

Maybe you need to put a little bit, if not all, of that love on a backburner for a bit and sit back and think about what she has done.

 

If you are so in love that its coming out of your eyeballs, it could send her a message that she can do what she wants and that she has you wrapped around your little finger.

 

If you love her, fine, but don't be a fool.

 

 

It's only been a few days and I'm still clouded by anger, sadness, jealousy, revenge, and disbelief. These emotions are clouding my judgement.

 

To the point of the matter and my current dilemma. I told my wife I feel I should let the OM's spouse know of his infidelities. I feel terrible that someone else out there is being betrayed and will probably be betrayed again. My wife feels that this would only hurt more people, that it's not my place to break up someone elses marriage

 

You aren't the one that would be breaking up someone elses marriage.

 

Your wife and the MM are solely responsible for that.

 

 

and has said in no uncertain terms that if I do this our re-conciliation would not be possible and our marriage would be over.

 

Boom. There is your answer. She is protecting him. You should be telling her that by her desire to protect him, the reconcilation will not be possible.

 

Maybe you should file for divorce.

 

 

I know she loved this guy and I think she wants to protect him and his family.

 

No, she want to protect HIM. If she cared about his family, she wouldn't have spread her legs for him. And if he cared about his family he wouldn't have stuck it to someone other than his wife.

 

 

Oddly enough from the correspondence I've seen, he does seem like a really nice guy who fell in love with a lonely beautiful woman who needed some type of emotional attachment in her life.

 

Nice people don't cheat.

 

I want to make this work but I don't know what to do now...

 

 

Let me ask you this, will you EVER be able to not think about her getting penetrated by another man while married to you?

 

Do you think you can settle for a life of being with someone you can't trust?

 

Do you think think you can settle for a life with someone that will constantly remind you of the good time she was having with someone else?

 

If so, then good luck with that my man. I have been there and done that.

 

What did I do? I divorced her.

[GreenX]

I believe that his wife should know what is going on. I don't think that it should be done on a basis of a 'revenge plot', just because she is entitled to know what her husband did behind her back. It isn't right and to be left in the dark about it is just wrong.

 

I also feel that your wife has some balls to say that if you were to tell then she wouldn't reconcile with you. What a crumby thing to say. Reading that tells me that she is still either having the A or is planning to continue the A once the dust settles.

 

I would tell the OM's W. How you go about doing that is up to you but she should know.

 

If you had not found all the information you did and brought the A to the surface I guarantee you it'd still be going on. She deserves to know just as much as you deserved to know as well.

[username24]

I believe that his wife should know what is going on. I don't think that it should be done on a basis of a 'revenge plot', just because she is entitled to know what her husband did behind her back....

 

When my WW came clean about her A, I struggled with telling the OM W for a long time. I too thought it shouldn't be done for revenge. Eventually though, I had a revelation. Your motivation for telling doesn't matter in the slightest. All that matters is that you tell. Your motivation won't change the outcome in any significant way.

 

To the OP, like I said before, PLEASE tell the OM's wife. Not only does she deserve to know, but it is the BEST way to SAVE your marriage.

[You'reasian]

Excuse me, but why exactly does your wife feel she has the right to dictate that you not contact her OM's wife? Your wife is calling the shots in this post-affair reconciliation? If that's the case, your reconciliation will NOT work.

 

Your wife should bending over backwards to do everything within her power to regain your trust. She should be giving you access to all her email and cell phone passwords, to her cell phone bills. She should be asking YOU what YOU need now to help you get through the shock and hurt and betrayal she CHOSE to inflict upon you without a care in the world for the irreparable damage she would do to you and to your relationship. And if that includes you needing to tell OM's wife what the score is, so be it.

 

Look, affairs thrive in secrecy. Blow the door open on it so your wife can't crawl back to OM when your anger dies down and things quiet at home.

Tell this man's wife what's going on so SHE can also keep an eye on her wandering husband AND so she can make her own informed choice on whether she wants to stay with a man who can't keep his dick in his pants.

 

If your wife is actually threatening to end your marriage if you tell the OM's wife that her husband has been screwing your wife, then your marriage is already over. Clearly, your wife is more concerned about protecting her OM then she is about salvaging her marriage.

 

 

Its good to see females hold up on the fidelity/integrity issue as strongly as you do

[Darth Vader]

First off I'd like to thank so many of the people here for posting their personal stories and others who are providing much needed insight and advice.

 

My wife and I have been married for 12 years with 2 kids. I love her completely and treasure her and my children. I haven't been the best husband in terms of communicating to her about how much I love her. I know I also haven't made her feel special and loved like I should have. I'm not apologizing for her despicable actions, not at all, just laying out some motivations for what she's done.

 

2 weeks ago I found nude pictures of a man on my wifes laptop. I know the guy as someone who attends the same training academy she does. My wife was incredibly upset and sorry and said that they were just chatting and that she'd done a really stupid thing by flirting with him online and accepting his pictures. She swore up and down that there was never any affair and nothing else had happened and that she'd never have contact with the guy again. I really wanted to believe her as I love her so much and still do. We had several talks about how she was feeling and what drove her to this. We resolved to make our marriage better and hoped we could make it work.

 

Fast forward a couple weeks and I still have nagging doubts. I installed some software on our network and everything was revealed to me. Over 400 emails from the last 6 months detailing their relationship from it's early flirtatious beginnings to it's gruesome end. She's sent hundreds of her pictures and he's sent her back as many. Many of them quite compromising in nature. The most devastating part however were the many declarations of everlasting love, never having loved someone as much, I hope to always have you in my life etc...

 

Well I confronted her the same day and she was incredibly upset and repentent, afraid of losing me and breaking up our family. She states that she loves me much more than this guy and that our family and the time we've had together is more important to her that anything else. She agreed to break off the relationship the same day and called the guy in front of me and told him that it was over. She has agreed to never contact him again. This of course doesn't mean she won't see him at the local academy once in a while, but she's promised to only say hello if spoken to and nothing else.

 

I love her so much and I want for this to work out. It's only been a few days and I'm still clouded by anger, sadness, jealousy, revenge, and disbelief. These emotions are clouding my judgement.

 

To the point of the matter and my current dilemma. I told my wife I feel I should let the OM's spouse know of his infidelities. I feel terrible that someone else out there is being betrayed and will probably be betrayed again. My wife feels that this would only hurt more people, that it's not my place to break up someone elses marriage and has said in no uncertain terms that if I do this our re-conciliation would not be possible and our marriage would be over. I know she loved this guy and I think she wants to protect him and his family.

 

Oddly enough from the correspondence I've seen, he does seem like a really nice guy who fell in love with a lonely beautiful woman who needed some type of emotional attachment in her life.

 

I want to make this work but I don't know what to do now...

 

 

To the point of the matter and my current dilemma. I told my wife I feel I should let the OM's spouse know of his infidelities. I feel terrible that someone else out there is being betrayed and will probably be betrayed again. My wife feels that this would only hurt more people, that it's not my place to break up someone elses marriage and has said in no uncertain terms that if I do this our re-conciliation would not be possible and our marriage would be over. I know she loved this guy and I think she wants to protect him and his family.

 

I want you to look at this part of her phrase, she says that your marriage would be over if you exposed this to his wife, what BULL****! She's Gaslighting you too, by saying this! She has NO right to give you any sort of ultamatums. She's doing what's known as Damage Control! I'm sure that the affair is on going, Oh Yeah, She's Riding this guy, and I'm sure that you know that! Just beware that she'll try to Blameshift her affair onto you like it was/is your fault that she had sex with this OM!

 

Tell OM's wife, she has a right to know, just like you do!

 

Contact a good Men's Rights Lawyer ASAP! She's not going to stop screwing this guy from the sounds of it, because, if she really wanted to work on the marriage, she'd quit her job to ensure NC (No Contact)!

[soda]

Thank you everyone so much for your feedback.

 

I will take some time to let the whole situation cool down and then make a decision on this. I don't think this is something urgent that needs to be addressed quickly or is time sensitive. I'm still about 50/50 on it...

 

Rip the band-aid off.

 

Seriously, why are you letting your W call the shots? I'm all about marriage being a consideration and compromise of both partners feelings and needs, but what need of yours was your W fulfilling when she decided to betray you?

 

If you want to save your marriage, you need to man up and make this affair too ugly to continue. Having your W and her OM exposed as cheaters should do the trick. Your W doesn't want to experience the discomfort of making the call? Too bad. If you want to discourage her from doing this BS again, you need to show her how ugly her behavior is and how it has consequences.

 

If you don't do this, you'll repeat this painful experience. Your actions didn't nip this crap in the bud when your first "confronted" her. It's time to be more drastic.

 

If taking action to save your marriage doesn't work, well, there are lots of intelligent, attractive, and faithful women who deserve to be loved by the right guy. Trust me on this.

 

You do not need to settle for a cheater.

[Darth Vader]

Chances are, there's a full blown affair going on right now, with tons of mind blowing sex. Or, the affair's been put on hold, just until things have blown over, and it's safe to continue the affair!

[2sunny]

update LC?

 

now that enough time has passed for you to mull it over - what action have you decided to take?

 

wondering how you're doing...

[soda]

update LC?

 

now that enough time has passed for you to mull it over - what action have you decided to take?

 

wondering how you're doing...

 

I hope that his silence is because he took action and is waiting for the dust to settle.

 

Gaslighting will often leave the BS feeling confused over what's real. I know...I've been there. It will be hard for the poster to believe that his W isn't serious about "working on the marriage." The truth is that W's threat pretty much proves that the A is still alive and strong.

 

She's another cakeeater. I hope she gets to choke on a glob of frosting.

[Rush3041]

I agree that you should expose the relationship. I would not just tell the OS. I would make copies of the evidence as stated above.

 

It might cause a divorce but that is better than the other spouse having to deal with a cheater going behind her back. I agree with the poster above who said that if they had cared about their families, they wouldn't have cheated. What they did was selfish so they are in no position to dictate terms.

 

Your wife needs to sit down and shut up. She cheated on you. She is in no position to dictate to you. If it were me, I would tell her exactly that. I would tell her that you told the OS and that you gave her the proof. When she goes berzerk, I would tell her that if she continues, you will file for divorce. Let her know right off that she is not the power broker here.

 

Anyway, when she tries to make out that you are being selfish, tell her that in fact, no you are not being selfish, she is. She wants it kept quiet for selfish reasons. I would tell her that you love her enough to try to work it out and that because you are not selfish, you risk that to do the right thing. The other woman has the right to know. Tell her that if the OS were the one to find them out, you would not want her to withhold what she knew and would be very angry if at a later time, you found out that she had known for a long time but was not thoughtful enough to make you aware.

 

Tell her that at this point, she has a choice, she can commit herself to doing whatever she has to do to regain your trust which does not include dictating terms, or she can plan for her life without you.

 

 

 

Now, when you contact the other woman, I would do so in person. I would take the evidence. I would visit her when you know the spouses are tied up at that academy. I would show her the evidence then tell her these exact words.

 

Ma'am, I brought this to your attention for one reason and one reason only,. If the tables were turned and you knew and I did not, I would not want you to withhold the information. I would want you to tell me so that I could make my own decisions. It is out of respect and concern for you that I am bringing this to your attention. For all I know, you already suspected and were tearing yourself up inside over not knowing for sure.

 

The ball is now in your court. You can either work it out with your husband or you can leave him, the choice is yours. What you can not do is retaliate against my wife. At this point, am choosing to work it out with her. If you in any way attack her you will lose all of the high moral ground you presently occupy. It would also be highly disrespectful to me. At this point, I am on your side, please respect that by respecting my wishes. Keep in mind, it took two to tango. For all we know, it was your husband who made the first moves, but maybe he didn't. At this point, it doesn't matter, they are both wrong for what they did. However, like I said, at this point, I have forgiven my wife and intend to work it out with her but I can not tell you what to do in your situation. Only you know if your relationship is worth salvaging. I do wish you the best of luck whichever route you choose.

[2sure]

I can tell you first hand that if you want to do what you can to help yourself and your wife save this marriage, you have to tell the OM's wife.

Right now, the consequences of the affair are really yours alone to deal with. Only until you make the consequences affect the people who had the A, will any change begin. Her being sorry will not in the long run make her able to control herself...but consequences she will remember and they will deter her.

 

Consequences will make the OM keep far away from her. Trust me, his wife will handle this for you.

 

Consequences to both of them will give you the security you need while you have this window in time to open communication with your spouse and repair the damage to your marriage - hopefully repair it so well that you dont have to think about dishing out any more consequences.

 

But really, before you can make any repairs - this needs to be brought out to all parties involved. He will probably throw your wife in front of the bus to make his wife happy. The reality behind the A will make it very unappealing to resume.

[pelicanpreacher]

One thing that everyone seems to be overlooking when determining why he should tell OM's wife about the affair is the AP's may not be ready to pursue a true commitment to each other yet. They have'nt got all their ducks in a row at present so they need time to deepen their feelings and establish a true plan for elevating their relationship to the point that they'd happily leave their marriages for each other. The bomb that they have been carefully constructing to destroy, not only your life, but also the life of OM's wife needs a longer fuse so that they can escape the pain and fallout of the consequences for their actions once they're ready to make their move. If you come along and light their affair's fuse before its long enough for them to achieve a minimum safe distance required for the new life they're preparing post-divorce they know that they stand to lose as much or more than you when that bomb goes off! If she can buy your silence and acquiescence using a threatening demand in a negotiating tactic to stymie your interference with her affair then she has gained their most desparately needed bomb's component to solidify her plot's stepping stone to leave for the OM on her own terms .... TIME!

 

Her feelings for the wife and family of her OM have no more to do with her concerns for the future than her concerns for you and your family so light the fuse for you have nothing to lose!