Lost_Confoozled Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 First off I'd like to thank so many of the people here for posting their personal stories and others who are providing much needed insight and advice. My wife and I have been married for 12 years with 2 kids. I love her completely and treasure her and my children. I haven't been the best husband in terms of communicating to her about how much I love her. I know I also haven't made her feel special and loved like I should have. I'm not apologizing for her despicable actions, not at all, just laying out some motivations for what she's done. 2 weeks ago I found nude pictures of a man on my wifes laptop. I know the guy as someone who attends the same training academy she does. My wife was incredibly upset and sorry and said that they were just chatting and that she'd done a really stupid thing by flirting with him online and accepting his pictures. She swore up and down that there was never any affair and nothing else had happened and that she'd never have contact with the guy again. I really wanted to believe her as I love her so much and still do. We had several talks about how she was feeling and what drove her to this. We resolved to make our marriage better and hoped we could make it work. Fast forward a couple weeks and I still have nagging doubts. I installed some software on our network and everything was revealed to me. Over 400 emails from the last 6 months detailing their relationship from it's early flirtatious beginnings to it's gruesome end. She's sent hundreds of her pictures and he's sent her back as many. Many of them quite compromising in nature. The most devastating part however were the many declarations of everlasting love, never having loved someone as much, I hope to always have you in my life etc... Well I confronted her the same day and she was incredibly upset and repentent, afraid of losing me and breaking up our family. She states that she loves me much more than this guy and that our family and the time we've had together is more important to her that anything else. She agreed to break off the relationship the same day and called the guy in front of me and told him that it was over. She has agreed to never contact him again. This of course doesn't mean she won't see him at the local academy once in a while, but she's promised to only say hello if spoken to and nothing else. I love her so much and I want for this to work out. It's only been a few days and I'm still clouded by anger, sadness, jealousy, revenge, and disbelief. These emotions are clouding my judgement. To the point of the matter and my current dilemma. I told my wife I feel I should let the OM's spouse know of his infidelities. I feel terrible that someone else out there is being betrayed and will probably be betrayed again. My wife feels that this would only hurt more people, that it's not my place to break up someone elses marriage and has said in no uncertain terms that if I do this our re-conciliation would not be possible and our marriage would be over. I know she loved this guy and I think she wants to protect him and his family. Oddly enough from the correspondence I've seen, he does seem like a really nice guy who fell in love with a lonely beautiful woman who needed some type of emotional attachment in her life. I want to make this work but I don't know what to do now...
LakesideDream Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 First thing you need to do is contact an attorney and talk about your options. This is a problem that's unlikely to have gone away. You "wife's" infidelity took precidence over her married life for a long time. You caught her, they freaked out, and are busily tying to scratch dirt over the crap in the cat box. In the unlikely event that your wife is willing to "change her ways"... it's going to take you years to regain any signifigant level of trust in her. You will never trust her as you did before her affair. You will likely be "keeping tabs" on her for the rest of your life, or the marriage, whichever ends first. Think about it sport. Is this what you really want?
Ronni_W Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 and I'm still clouded by anger, sadness, jealousy, revenge, and disbelief. These emotions are clouding my judgement. I feel terrible that someone else out there is being betrayed and will probably be betrayed again. My wife feels that this would only hurt more people, that it's not my place to break up someone elses marriage and has said in no uncertain terms that if I do this our re-conciliation would not be possible and our marriage would be over. All your feelings are normal and expected under the circumstances. You are one step ahead of most in that you also have conscious awareness that your current thinking and judgment is cloudy. Do not waste your energy and internal resources on "feeling bad" for the guy's wife -- or was that self-righteousness? -- sometimes hard to spot the difference. But whatever that turns out to be, keep it to your own heart and home. Your wife is right that it is not YOUR place to get involved in what's going on "over the fence", so to speak. There ARE boundaries, and we ought to mind them. More importantly, if you want your marriage to work out, your wife has already clearly told you the consequence of talking to the guy's wife. IF you want your marriage to work out, THAT ought to be the piece of information that absolutely informs and guides your actions (not anyone else's opinion on what is the "moral" or "justifiable" action that you "should" take.) I do wish you and your wife well, and hope that whatever decisions and actions you take in the future, individually and as a couple, will be with consideration for highest good of all concerned.
Rorocher Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Ronni is right, it's not your place to tell on the OM no matter how angry and bitter you feel right now, it is understandable that you want to lash out or "protect others" as your emotions would lead you to believe. But you have to leave the lashing out where it belongs, in your home. Your wife wasn't seduced or forced against her will, she gave in willingly, and it became a mess that blew up in her face. Sort that mess out first and leave others to tend to their own. For all you know, you tell OM's wife, someone comes to your house guns ablazing...it's not so far-fetched y'know?
In Like Flynn Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 You wife actually is blackmailing you. If you do this then we won't reconcile!!! If she loved you the way she said she did then she would'nt of said this. Your marriage has no chance if she actually means this!!!! If she cares so much for this OM then you are fooling yourselve. I would tell your wife that yes I am doing this and if you actually mean what you said about no reconcil if i do this then you really don't love me and you are protecting the OM over me. Call her bluff.
norajane Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Excuse me, but why exactly does your wife feel she has the right to dictate that you not contact her OM's wife? Your wife is calling the shots in this post-affair reconciliation? If that's the case, your reconciliation will NOT work. Your wife should bending over backwards to do everything within her power to regain your trust. She should be giving you access to all her email and cell phone passwords, to her cell phone bills. She should be asking YOU what YOU need now to help you get through the shock and hurt and betrayal she CHOSE to inflict upon you without a care in the world for the irreparable damage she would do to you and to your relationship. And if that includes you needing to tell OM's wife what the score is, so be it. Look, affairs thrive in secrecy. Blow the door open on it so your wife can't crawl back to OM when your anger dies down and things quiet at home. Tell this man's wife what's going on so SHE can also keep an eye on her wandering husband AND so she can make her own informed choice on whether she wants to stay with a man who can't keep his dick in his pants. If your wife is actually threatening to end your marriage if you tell the OM's wife that her husband has been screwing your wife, then your marriage is already over. Clearly, your wife is more concerned about protecting her OM then she is about salvaging her marriage.
Author Lost_Confoozled Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 Thank you everyone so much for your feedback. I will take some time to let the whole situation cool down and then make a decision on this. I don't think this is something urgent that needs to be addressed quickly or is time sensitive. I'm still about 50/50 on it...
GPFan Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 To the point of the matter and my current dilemma. I told my wife I feel I should let the OM's spouse know of his infidelities. I feel terrible that someone else out there is being betrayed and will probably be betrayed again. It seems the logical course-of-action would be to inform the other spouse. First, informing the other spouse would gain you an ally in ensuring that the affair doesn't continue; second, his wife should as a Human Being be allowed to make a decision regarding STDs and the health of her own marriage. My wife feels that this would only hurt more people, that it's not my place to break up someone elses marriage and has said in no uncertain terms that if I do this our re-conciliation would not be possible and our marriage would be over. I know she loved this guy and I think she wants to protect him and his family.I don't see how protecting him is protecting his family. If he wanted his family protected above all else, he wouldn't have engaged your wife in an affair. I agree your wife is blackmailing you which she is in no position to do. If you haven't already, reading these two threads may provide additional insight: Is it ok to still work with ex om/ow...My wife has cheated with her co-worker again
SoulStorm Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 One good thing about telling the OM's wife is that she can monitor from her end if he is contacting your wife or not. Affairs thrive in secrecy, once exposed they start to die. Not having the OM's wife know allows the affair a chance to go underground. Your wife is doing damage control, she will be thoroughly embarrassed and ashamed once news gets out about what happened. So she is blackmailing you in a sense to not embarrass her further. Trust me, if you do not do all you can to kill this affair, it will thrive and much worse will happen. Remember, she may be your wife and I know you love her, but right now her actions are about to destroy your marriage. If you want your marriage to survive you need to tell the OM's wife. She deserves to know her husband is being unfaithfully lewd with another married woman. People on here will say not to tell, to spare feelings. Truth of the matter is the people are already hurt, they just don't know it and affairs are usually ALWAYS found out. You found out about your wife didn't you? When you expose, your wife will be spitting venom like a rabid cobra. She will be mad. She will threaten divorce, she will say you had a chance and now it's over. All just babble. You can endure her anger, but your marriage will not endure an affair. There will be No Contact now because she got caught, just for a spell. If you don't expose to his wife, they will find a way to be more secretive. They have sent numerous emails to each other and confessed undying love. Do you think that this will just stop cold turkey? If you do, I have property on the moon for sale. Expose..your marriage is in jeopardy if you don't.
LakesideDream Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Thank you everyone so much for your feedback. I will take some time to let the whole situation cool down and then make a decision on this. I don't think this is something urgent that needs to be addressed quickly or is time sensitive. I'm still about 50/50 on it... The thing that stands out to me is that your wife doesen't want the OM's wife "informed". Why? If she was truely repentant, she wouldn't be invested at all in what his wife did or didn't know. I think I would get all those email and pictures you have together. Print them all out and make copies. Put one copy into a big manila envelope address it, and tell your wife you are putting it into the mail to her affair partners Wife. See what happens. If she goes off, listen to her threats. Then decide who is really trying to save your marriage.
shanny Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Somebody out there is suffering just like you and I think she has every right to know. You are not ruining their marriage... your "wife" and the OM already did. I would absolutely tell her... it might give you closure. Though I respect you for trying to save your marriage I think in the long run you will be much better off for leaving her. She does not appreciate you and had complete control over the situation. You can not love someone and purposely go behind their back and do that to someone. It's awful what she did and I know you love her but you deserve so much better.
whichwayisup Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Four eyes are better than two. Telling OM's wife will put an end to the affair because it will be out in the open, that and HE will be too busy trying to mend things with her. This of course doesn't mean she won't see him at the local academy once in a while, but she's promised to only say hello if spoken to and nothing else. Your wife is in a total affair fog. She cannot even say hello to him. No contact and that means in every possible way.
pelicanpreacher Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 If you concede to the terms of her blackmail then you have layed the groundwork for how you shall be viewed, construed, and abused for the rest of your life with this woman. When we consider abuse we often think of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse because they are most highly touted and recognized by the court systems. An affair, however, is a form of spiritual abuse for it murders the soul and vanquishes the spirit. This is poorly understood or even recognized in today's modern society because the advancements in science and technology of this world has convinced the multitudes that GOD no longer has a say-so in the direction of our lives. Your wife acted in concert with a co-conspirator to ultimately harm your soul while indulging in her own selfish desires to fulfill her lusts for the forbidden flesh which cannot and should not be easily forgiven or forgotten! Those posters who would rail against acting on the moral impetus of exposing the affair only do so to obscure and minimize the damage done to your spirit because they don't consider your soul worth anything to nurture or protect anyways! The ancients knew the importance of the soul in the makeup of one's being and wisely stipulated severe admonishments against adultery for this specific reason. As far as saving the marriage, that can no more be done than undoing the tragedy of 9-11 for your marriage was destroyed the day your wife undertook her path to infidelity. The question that begs then is would you, knowing all that you know, walk down the aisle and marry this woman today to forge a new marriage for the future?
imagine Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Are you saying that you would not want to know were the positions reversed?
InaPanic Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 i'm not sure what to suggest about telling OM's wife. I think my first thought is that is overstepping your boundaries & you just don't know, like someone else said, if you could end up opening a bad can of worms by doing this (anger, retaliation, etc from OM or his wife towards you, your family, your wife). Also, there are a lot of BSs that are aware of what their spouse is doing & they turn a blind eye to it. Idk, it just seems like something you should avoid. BUT! the one point people have made here re: someone else keeping an eye on him does make sense. The revenge stuff is not worth thinking about, but it could be helpful in making sure it doesn't happen again. Your wife did have feelings for this guy so i'm sure she just doesn't want to cause him any more problems than have already been caused whether that is right of her or not. I'm also sure she may be going thru some stages of withdrawal & missing him & perhaps not thinking as clearly as she will be a month from now. Her threat is extremely harsh but I think it may be more from the freshness of everything than her actual feelings. In the same way you are in a fog, so is she. Maybe talk to her about that statement.
imagine Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Yes! It is OK for you to suck it up but the other man gets off scott free. Dude! This is not about revenge, it is about justice and consequences. In plain English, the interloper's peace of mind is more important to your wife than recovery of the marriage. Go figure.
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Should I inform OM's Spouse? In this particular scenerio (as the spouse), I most certainly would.
soda Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I feel terrible that someone else out there is being betrayed and will probably be betrayed again. My wife feels that this would only hurt more people, that it's not my place to break up someone elses marriage and has said in no uncertain terms that if I do this our re-conciliation would not be possible and our marriage would be over. I know she loved this guy and I think she wants to protect him and his family. I want to make this work but I don't know what to do now... Your W lost the right to negotiate on her terms when she had an affair. You don't have a shot at making your marriage work unless you ensure the affair is over. Telling OM's spouse should do the trick. Make the affair as unattractive as possible. Right now, your W is in a cloud that has her protecting OM over the best interests of her marriage. You have the right to fix that. Plus, OM's wife deserves to know the facts, too.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 So first this: 2 weeks ago I found nude pictures of a man on my wifes laptop. I know the guy as someone who attends the same training academy she does. My wife was incredibly upset and sorry and said that they were just chatting and that she'd done a really stupid thing by flirting with him online and accepting his pictures. She swore up and down that there was never any affair and nothing else had happened and that she'd never have contact with the guy again. And then this: I installed some software on our network and everything was revealed to me. Over 400 emails from the last 6 months detailing their relationship from it's early flirtatious beginnings to it's gruesome end. She's sent hundreds of her pictures and he's sent her back as many. Many of them quite compromising in nature. The most devastating part however were the many declarations of everlasting love, never having loved someone as much, I hope to always have you in my life etc... Well I confronted her the same day and she was incredibly upset and repentent, afraid of losing me and breaking up our family. She states that she loves me much more than this guy and that our family and the time we've had together is more important to her that anything else. She agreed to break off the relationship the same day and called the guy in front of me and told him that it was over. She has agreed to never contact him again. Why would you believe anything she has to say at this point ??? She "swore up and down" after you caught her the first time, right? And she still feels that, post exposure of the affair, she can dictate the terms of her relationship to the OM. She can still see him at work. And you can't contact his wife. What was your response when she told you that contact would end your chances of reconcilliation? Mr. Lucky
2sunny Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 i wouldn't normally say tell the OM wife, but your W has continued to lie and try to cover up while still setting the boundaries and rules. WTF? man up and get ahold of the fact that she should be showing YOU respect by making things right where she's made them wrong. her agenda screams "let's make this quiet for a while so i can start it up again later." i say make her quit the academy she goes to where she sees him. that will tell you what her priorities are. my bet is - she won't quit -saying... oh i have to be there.... ya right - she just wants to have a reason to see him still. IF she were working on the M she would be willing to make all these things right - but she's NOT! that says everything.
Walk Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 I told my wife I feel I should let the OM's spouse know of his infidelities. I feel terrible that someone else out there is being betrayed and will probably be betrayed again. My wife feels that this would only hurt more people, that it's not my place to break up someone elses marriage and has said in no uncertain terms that if I do this our re-conciliation would not be possible and our marriage would be over. I don't feel you should tell the OM's wife. I think your wife should tell her.
The_411 Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 You should tell the OMs wife. Your wife is threatening these things but you need to stand up and show your love for her by telling. She will be angry etc for a while but that has to do with her affair being over not you telling. You are shattering her illusion that in a few months she can resume the affair. If you do not tell she will restart the affair.
porter218 Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 that it's not my place to break up someone elses marriage and has said in no uncertain terms that if I do this our re-conciliation would not be possible and our marriage would be over. ... Well then..that says it all. She doesn't sound ready to work on your M. I think if she feels like she still needs to protect him then she isn't ready for it to be over with him. Cut her loose.
NewSunrise Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 Including mine, you have an overwhelming support to tell the OM's Wife. If the situation were reversed, would you want to hear from the OM's W that your W has been having an A with her H?
Walk Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 I still think you should have your wife do it. Hand her the phone and say "Listen, either you call and tell her, or I will. But if you don't, then I'm divorcing you." I hate pushing someone to do something they don't want to do, but she needs to own up what she did (kill 2 marriages with her actions). Hearing the anger, the hurt, the extreme pain that was caused by her actions might give her a different perspective to frame the affair with. If she doesn't, then all she remembers is how good it felt to be with the OM and the bad feelings of being caught. Being caught didn't dampen those good feelings. That's seperate. The bad stuff is something you made her feel by catching her. Her OM made her feel good, being caught makes her feel bad. Hearing how she caused so much pain in another person might just shed new light on how fun cheating is for everyone involved. Not only your pain (which she had no problem ignoring the entire time she cheated) but also the OMs wife's pain. And the pain her OM will go through once his wife knows what he did. Until she hears it for herself, she won't acknowledge it. Until she knows you're serious about her taking responsibility for her actions, then she'll do anything to avoid the repercussions. She cheated to avoid the work of repairing whatever she thought was wrong with the marriage. She found it easier to lie to you then to divorce you. She convinced herself that she wasn't hurting anyone by what she was doing. She's still convincing herself that at least the only person she hurt was you... but you'll forgive and forget eventually so it wasn't that bad. I think she needs to be the one to tell the OMs wife.
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