B-Rad Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 My ex is driving me insane lately. We broke up because I was depressed and incapable of doing much besides wallow in self-pity. I kept it hidden from her and it came across as that I didn't love her. She loved me so much but fell out of love when her feelings were hurt by my actions. I will never forgive myself for this. She would've helped me through it but I was terrified of her finding out. After we broke up I told her about it and it definitely helped her see that it wasn't because I didn't like her, but that we were just together during a bad time. A lot of pain she was experiencing from it was healed, I think. I'm trying to be her friend as she has always been there for me, has wanted to stay close, and because I can't bear to be completely without her. I would be more than willing to be her friend. She has a new boyfriend and everyone says they are very happy and love each other. I'm happy for her and just want her to do what's right for her. But the problem is that she is messing with my heart, intentionally or unintentionally. She calls me and texts me almost every day. She calls me sometimes when she can't sleep because I'm "comforting" to her (weird but acceptable I guess). She's making such an incredible effort to call me to hang out, to see what I'm doing, etc. That would be fine. Best friends usually talk, maybe not this much but idk. This part does not really confuse me. But add on that she constantly and consistently flirts with me when we hang out. She is always teasing, tickling, light hitting, touching, pinching, etc. She laughs at all my jokes and I sometimes catch her stealing glances at me. She touches me for no reason, sits right up next to me on the couch when I give her space. My friends all think she still likes me from the way she acts when we hang out. She invited herself to sleep over my house twice last week (of course I couldn't say no). We didn't do anything, but we slept in the same bed. I gave her space but she snuggled up right next to me. She thought I was sleeping and when I opened my eyes she was laying there staring at me, and looked away really fast (what does THAT mean). It wasn't that long ago that we were sleeping together because we were a couple. I can't understand why she would ask me for that. She does weird familiar things like it was when we were together (reminding me of jokes we had and things we did back then, or asking me for a massage or to run my fingers through her hair because she has a headache, things like that). She told me that there is just something about me that makes her want to make me happy. She is constantly telling me how she always has a great time with me, and how we have so much fun and how hanging out with me is always good. Unnecessary to say but it feels good to hear so who am I to complain? I would love the attention she gives me and the comfort we still have around each other if not for one thing: her new boyfriend. He lives about an hour away and she can't see him that often. Apparently they are really in love and stuff but I try to avoid this topic as much as possible. I do know that she is crazy about him and that he is crazy about her. They've been dating for 2 months and already say "I love you". He wanted her for a long time while we were together and finally asked her out after she dumped me. She went into the new relationship still having feelings for me but I don't know if that matters. She's the best he's gonna get (dropout unmotivated loser, an ex-friend of mine too which adds a new wrinkle to this whole thing) so I know he'll try to keep her. She's also the type of girl who always needs a guy for her world to revolve around. She's easy to please and I doubt he will do anything to mess it up, at least not anytime soon.I somewhat feel like I might be getting played; giving her the attention she wants when he's not around, or like I'm a cure for her boredom. She knows how I feel about her, she knows I wish we could be together, and she's not stupid. She's a really flirty girl and guys do fall easily for her. But we have all this history; it's been less than 6 months since she told me she loved me and less than 3 since we were together. It's not like all this time has passed in between then and now. If the roles were reversed, and I was the one who had dumped her, I would be doing my best to send no mixed signals at all. She had told me that she liked me but didn't love me, that she had no romantic feelings for me anymore, that we could be together in the future and she wasn't ruling anything out, but that she was really happy now and didn't want to date me. That was about as clear as she could've been and I appreciated the honesty. But now her actions and words say anything but that. If she was a random single girl doing these things, I figure I'd have been dating her for a week already. Whether she's trying to or not, she's making it impossible for me to be able to move completely on. If she was straight with me and treated me like a good friend, it would be so much easier. There must be some reason why she's doing it, good or bad. If it's good (she still likes me and is warming up to me again) then I feel played but the outcome would be worth it. If not, if she is doing this for some reason (or no reason at all), then it will break my heart. Either way, it's breaking more and more when she does these things. I thought I was over her but it was impossible for me not to fall back in love. I've been playing it cool but I'm dying inside. Basically, I don't think she's going to leave him for me anytime soon, so why is she doing this? I want to ask her why she is doing it but don't want to scare her away or something. I feel like I need to confront her and make sure she's not just playing with me. I don't want to try and force her to say she still likes me or not, but I'm really hurt and really confused. I want to remind her that when she dumped me she lost the privilege to be doing a lot of what she's doing, like calling and texting late at night, the overt and subtle flirting, etc. She can't be the most important girl in my life right now (though I wish she could be) and I need her to understand that but I don't want to hurt her feelings. My depression is as bad as it's ever been. I feel like she could be the one for me somewhere down the line but have accepted that it could very well just not work out. Do I risk scaring her away but finally get some real answers, or do I stick it out and let her have her cake and eat it too?
CaliGuy Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Why don't you talk to her about all that has been bothering you? It's obvious to you but not necessarily obvious to her. This is yet another reason why I tell people NOT to be friends with their ex. It just fools with your brain and delays the healing process. Personally I think she's just needy and while her BF is away she needs someone to fill her needy behavior. That's you. And you're being used, IMHO.
You'reasian Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 My ex is driving me insane lately. We broke up because I was depressed and incapable of doing much besides wallow in self-pity. Take the initiative to fix yourself, my friend. I'm trying to be her friend as she has always been there for me, has wanted to stay close, and because I can't bear to be completely without her. I would be more than willing to be her friend. She has a new boyfriend and everyone says they are very happy and love each other. I'm happy for her and just want her to do what's right for her.? Sure you can. Try to distance yourself a little more each time. Its like working out at the gym, know what I mean? But add on that she constantly and consistently flirts with me when we hang out. She is always teasing, tickling, light hitting, touching, pinching, etc. She laughs at all my jokes and I sometimes catch her stealing glances at me. She touches me for no reason, sits right up next to me on the couch when I give her space. My friends all think she still likes me from the way she acts when we hang out. She invited herself to sleep over my house twice last week (of course I couldn't say no). We didn't do anything, but we slept in the same bed. I gave her space but she snuggled up right next to me. She thought I was sleeping and when I opened my eyes she was laying there staring at me, and looked away really fast (what does THAT mean). It wasn't that long ago that we were sleeping together because we were a couple. I can't understand why she would ask me for that. Sounds like you are both not ready to move on? He lives about an hour away and she can't see him that often. Apparently they are really in love and stuff but I try to avoid this topic as much as possible. I do know that she is crazy about him and that he is crazy about her. They've been dating for 2 months and already say "I love you". He wanted her for a long time while we were together and finally asked her out after she dumped me. ? You need to put your foot down, my friend. Make a decision and stick with it. Basically, I don't think she's going to leave him for me anytime soon, so why is she doing this? I want to ask her why she is doing it but don't want to scare her away or something. I feel like I need to confront her and make sure she's not just playing with me. I don't want to try and force her to say she still likes me or not, but I'm really hurt and really confused. I want to remind her that when she dumped me she lost the privilege to be doing a lot of what she's doing, like calling and texting late at night, the overt and subtle flirting, etc. She can't be the most important girl in my life right now (though I wish she could be) and I need her to understand that but I don't want to hurt her feelings. My depression is as bad as it's ever been. I feel like she could be the one for me somewhere down the line but have accepted that it could very well just not work out. Do I risk scaring her away but finally get some real answers, or do I stick it out and let her have her cake and eat it too? What it sounds like to me is that she's also trying to move on, but grasping at the things that are carrying over from your break-up or she's playing you....either way breaking up is hard to do Back to the original response, take care of yourself. Focus on yourself and working out your issue with the depression. About the boyfriend, well to be honest with you, he is her boyfriend and not any kind of permanent fixture in her life. If things take off with them, you are left empty handed....if not, then you have to ask why she sought a boyfriend? Either way, its not going to be a healthy result. Take care of yourself and if you improve yourself. If things do not resume with her, then they you will be a more attractive partner for your next well-deserving woman - she may be right under your nose! Good luck
ryanrigney22 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Brad, It sounds like you need to try to be ok without her for now. Sometimes the act of being alright without an ex is the best thing you can do to get them back. I'm not guaranteeing that given the circumstances it is entirely possible but I strongly recommend you take steps away for the time being.
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