paddington bear Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Hi all, A very close friend of mine, who has been trying for years to get pregnant finally did, now at 11 weeks she has miscarried. She's obviously very upset and doesn't even want to speak to anyone right now. Has anyone been through the above and how should I best support her through this when she is ready to talk. She's in her mid thirties and thought she'd never conceive, now that this has happened I just know she's going through hell. I don't want to offer platitudes like 'well at least you know you can get pregnant' when she's lost a very longed for baby. I've no kids of my own by the way and have never been pregnant, so want to be sensitive.
whichwayisup Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 My BF had a miscarriage about 3 years ago (she now has a healthy and happy 2 year old girl) so I know what you are feeling. Bring her flowers, make her favourite food or bring comfort food. Give her a hug, tell her you love her and just be there as shoulder for her to cry on.
whichwayisup Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 In the meantime, since she doesn't want company right now - Send her flowers with a card saying something like My heart hurts for you - love always - (insert your name) Or something like that.. Even if she has asked to be left alone, she doesn't 'want' to be alone so reach out to her this way, it'll mean alot to her even if she can't put it into words right now.
Jilly Bean Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 I miscarried years ago. I never processed it well, and it stayed with me FAR too long. I also was entirely non-communicative about it, just like your gf. Best thing to do - send her a nice card, let her know that you don't understand exactly what she is going through, but that you are there for her anytime, day or night, that she wants to talk, cry, throw things, etc. Just knowing you care for her will help. Beyond that, it is such a devastating blow. Particularly if she has had conception problems in the past. And DEFINITELY do not say that she now knows she can get pregnant. That would be intensely insensitive and wrong.
april1325 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 I am so sorry to hear about your friends loss. I have 3 beautiful girls now, but i had 3 miscarriages also. It is very difficult to understand why it had to happen to you. When i had my miscarriages i felt so depressed. I just wanted to be by myself and not see anyone. Iwould cry uncontrollably. If anyone ask about the miscarriage i would start crying all over again because it brought back the pain of me losing the baby. I dont know when she will want to talk. I know from my experience it is just very difficult to talk about the loss. All i can tell you is just be there for her. offer what ever kind of support you can whether it be just offering to drive her somewhere or just a shoulder to cry on. You sound like a very good friend. she is lucky to have a friend like you who cares so much about her.
whichwayisup Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 let her know that you don't understand exactly what she is going through, Actually (no offense here) best to leave that line out. If she is sensitive right now, that line will bug her. Best to just let her know how sorry you are for her pain and when she is feeling up to you, you'd like to come see her. Offer to bring or make meals, do laundry or grocery shopping for her.
Author paddington bear Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 Well she called me today and is being amazingly strong about the whole thing, which both she and I know will be a wavering state of mind. It's being strong and practical once moment, the next uncontrollable crying. thanks for all your posts. I told her I hadn't called her as I wanted her to feel she could talk when ready and she said she really appreciated that. I then broke down in tears on the phone to her, which of course was not a good idea as that started her off again. It's just that life is so ****ty and unfair sometimes and I'm so sad that this lovely friend of mine has to go through this. It's the next few weeks, months etc that I'm worried about. I'm glad to hear of others who got over this situation and hope it's the same for her.
Jilly Bean Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Actually (no offense here) best to leave that line out. Well, since I have miscarried, I can say that hearing that would be fine. I didn't appreciate people trying to give me false empathy. No one knows what it's like until she's been there...
Jilly Bean Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 I then broke down in tears on the phone to her, which of course was not a good idea as that started her off again. This was not a bad thing at all. It showed her how much you cared that you could be moved to share her pain, and also helps her deal by letting it out. I think you did a great job.
Author paddington bear Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 Thanks for the encouragement Jillybean. Sorry to hear about what happened to you and hope you've somehow come to terms with it now. Sometimes life is just simply unfair. I have another friend who got pregnant in her early twenties, had an abortion and now is 45, never met 'the man', had 'the relationship' and lost all possibility to have another child and is beating herself up over losing her one chance to have children. I still don't know if I want kids myself, but time is running out and due to never-ending romantic disasters, the likelihood of me being a mother is getting less and less. It's not nice to think that what seems like a choice is taken out of your hands by damn biology and of course, simple bad luck with men. I can't even find a man, let alone think about having children. To me it's horrible that a good friend who also had dreadful, hurtful relationship experiences, finally found a good man, fell in love, got married and now this happens to her. You want the people you love around you to be happy, to think 'yay! I might not have it, but at least someone I love does get it'. Don't want to get too philosophical, but it's the age old question of why do horrible things happen to good people? It just seems so random and wrong in some way. Anyway, thanks again for all your kind and supportive comments.
april1325 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 have you ever considered adoption? i kow it is not the same, but you get to help a child in need.
Meaplus3 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Hi all, A very close friend of mine, who has been trying for years to get pregnant finally did, now at 11 weeks she has miscarried. She's obviously very upset and doesn't even want to speak to anyone right now. Has anyone been through the above and how should I best support her through this when she is ready to talk. She's in her mid thirties and thought she'd never conceive, now that this has happened I just know she's going through hell. I don't want to offer platitudes like 'well at least you know you can get pregnant' when she's lost a very longed for baby. I've no kids of my own by the way and have never been pregnant, so want to be sensitive. I had 2 at around 11 weeks.. it was very heart wrenching. The best thing you can do is to let your friend know that your there for her to listen and share when the time is right. Best wishes. AP:)
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