anna1018 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 I am looking for anyone who has felt this way before...I am 31 and have two children with my husband of 12 years.We met when I was 18 and he was 16.We were I guess as most couples all in love and wanted to be together all the time til about 4 years ago.He began drinking and accussing me of cheating online.He would snoop through my things and yell and he was even alittle abusive towards our oldest child a couple of time. We seperated and I wasnt cheating at the time by the way.Anyway 3 months later we got back together. But since then I have felt like I got back with him for my kids.All the things he said that lead to our split keeps replaying through my head and I cant forgive him.I have caught him drinking at times so I know he lies about it. And I feel like I cant trust him. As a result I am now completely unattracted to him.I hate having sex with him and only do so about 1 time a month just to keep him happy. I hate kissing him also or holding hands.I know that marriages loss the fireworks but does it go to this? Also recently I have began talking to other men and have found one that I really like and we kissed yesterday. I really enjoyed it and it is all I think about now. It felt good to want someone to touch me again. Anyway I know I am wrong for how I feel and I dont know what to do. I dont want to hurt my husband or leave him alone but I also dont want to be around him or spend time with him either.It only irritates me. I enjoy his company when he treats me as a friend.Otherwise I wish he would find someone else and leave me. Does this plus the fact that I am considering cheating mean that I should seek divorce? And if so how do I handle telling him?
mark982 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 i don't believe in cheating. either leave, ot make your marriage work.
SadGuy99 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 I have been in an EMA for 8 years so I might know a little about this. I can promise you this is NOT what you want to do. Either try to fix the M or leave it. It sounds hard, but it is SO EASY compared to what you are suggesting. It will feel VERY good in the beginning, but you will probably develop feelings for this other person. This is when hell will begin. Forget the "you will feel bad about yourself" lol, thats the easiest thing you will feel. That starts out first, guilt. Guilt makes what I have felt seem like having a paper cut, vs the other pain which feels like starting in the movie SAW. Imagine not being able to be with the person you love, and not being able to leave because of your example to your kids and the stigma it will cause, also the extra pain you will cause your H if you leave. Imagine complete unstablity of it, having someone you love, push and pull from you constantly. You never feel safe, you never feel calm because at any time the love and passion you feel with this new person can be taken away. Emotionally exhaustion, the other man may call it off, he may pressure you for more, all things that will cause tremendous stress to you. If you stay long enough, you get to watch the pain you cause the other person because you cannont be there for them enough. Through the entire thing you worry about being caught. You battle feelings of intense love, guilt, fear, remorse, frustration, it is HELL. You are about to make the biggest mistake of your life.
Sum1'sGot2RepThe530 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Next time you quote me word by word, please do so by reference. Huh? Why make an issue out of nothing? nevermind... Anna, you obviously don't want to be with the guy, leave. It's that simple.
Author anna1018 Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 Huh? Why make an issue out of nothing? nevermind... Anna, you obviously don't want to be with the guy, leave. It's that simple. That is how I feel but I dont want to hurt him.I feel like I dont want to try or go to counseling and like someone else is what I want.To cheat and see if it develops into love so I can leave. Maybe I am holding onto my husband selfishly fo security I dont know,but I honestly dont want to regret this later either.But then I think things like what if I leave and am with someone else and they leave me then I will be alone.So I think that part of my fear of regreting this later is about me being selfish again and afraid to be alone. The only thing I truely know for a fact is that I hate sex with my husband I dread it with a passion and when it is happening I just want it to be over.It makes my skin crawl for him to kiss me or touch me and I have kissed this other man and I loved it.I am not saying I am going to cheat but I know this isnt normal.
Punkage Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Why the hell would you think of cheating? I thought it was something did on impulse. God, you're cruel.
babysmomma Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 You stay or you GO - cheating is neither here nor there and hurts everyone including your kids in the long run you don't want to go that route and you don't want them to think ill of you. If you truely want this divorce then you should think it through because the passion of another person will fade and you may end up alone...if you are OK with that then end your marriage for you but not for another person. Cheating is never an answer only makes it worse and the divorce NASTIER>
norajane Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 That is how I feel but I dont want to hurt him.I feel like I dont want to try or go to counseling and like someone else is what I want.To cheat and see if it develops into love so I can leave. Maybe I am holding onto my husband selfishly fo security I dont know,but I honestly dont want to regret this later either.But then I think things like what if I leave and am with someone else and they leave me then I will be alone.So I think that part of my fear of regreting this later is about me being selfish again and afraid to be alone. Yes, you are pretty much looking at this from your own self-centered and selfish viewpoint. And it doesn't say much for your independence and strength of character, either. You can't stand your husband and you can't stand having sex with him, but you'll stay with him UNLESS you can glom onto another man, AND you're sure the other man will take care of you. Have you considered standing on your own two feet, leaving your marriage on your own because it's not working and you don't want to try anymore, and AFTER you're divorced and have made a life for yourself, then you can find a healthy relationship? Believe me, if you do it that way, you will have so much more self-esteem and will feel so much better about yourself and your life - you will see that YOU can take care of YOURSELF, so any man you get involved with is icing on the cake to enhance your life, rather than a requirement to give you a life.
stuckinoz Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 From reading several different threads on this webdsite....It's very apparent to me that it is NOT as easy to leave someone as it would seem. Those of you that are contributing to this, have you left a spouse before? It is quite difficult. Contemplating cheating - NO I agree that is not the answer...(I tried it - too heartbreaking for all involved) Anyway, to just say "stand on your own two feet...leave your marriage because it's not working" while that seems like a logical thing to do.....It is NEVER as easy as it sounds. Even if she wants to leave him - she has 2 children to consider. (& I'm not a firm believer in staying together just for the kids - kids are much smarter than any of us give them credit for -they know what's up) I would suggest counseling - COUPLES counseling. Talk to someone who can learn the ins & outs of the entire marriage. For some it works - others it doesn't - But it might be worth a shot in the dark. I'm not saying to not use this thread - I believe in this stuff & other's opinions have helped me a great deal in some rough times to look at situations differently. Good Luck To You:)
norajane Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 From reading several different threads on this webdsite....It's very apparent to me that it is NOT as easy to leave someone as it would seem. Those of you that are contributing to this, have you left a spouse before? It is quite difficult. Contemplating cheating - NO I agree that is not the answer...(I tried it - too heartbreaking for all involved) Anyway, to just say "stand on your own two feet...leave your marriage because it's not working" while that seems like a logical thing to do.....It is NEVER as easy as it sounds. Even if she wants to leave him - she has 2 children to consider. (& I'm not a firm believer in staying together just for the kids - kids are much smarter than any of us give them credit for -they know what's up) I would suggest counseling - COUPLES counseling. Talk to someone who can learn the ins & outs of the entire marriage. For some it works - others it doesn't - But it might be worth a shot in the dark. I'm not saying to not use this thread - I believe in this stuff & other's opinions have helped me a great deal in some rough times to look at situations differently. Good Luck To You:) You must have missed this part of her post: I feel like I dont want to try or go to counseling and like someone else is what I want.To cheat and see if it develops into love so I can leave. Of course it's difficult to leave a marriage. But cheating and hoping he turns into the guy who will take care of you so you can leave a marriage? That's a much harder route in the end, because it will hurt those children and her husband, as well as the OM, AND herself. It may seem like growing up and learning to care for yourself is more difficult, but ultimately, it's the only way she will ever truly be happy and doing the best for herself and her children AND her H AND whatever guy she ends up dating later. Yeah, integrity is hard. But it's worth the effort.
soda Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 That is how I feel but I dont want to hurt him.I feel like I dont want to try or go to counseling and like someone else is what I want.To cheat and see if it develops into love so I can leave. You should probably just tell your H. You sound like a horribly selfish person, and your H might not realize that yet. Give him the facts so he'll be able to determine whether he wants to stay married to you.
dgiirl Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 What do you mean by "Thinking" of cheating?? In my book, kissing another man who is not your husband IS cheating. Dont try to fool yourself by overlooking what you've already done.
Lizzie60 Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 I am looking for anyone who has felt this way before...I am 31 and have two children with my husband of 12 years.We met when I was 18 and he was 16.We were I guess as most couples all in love and wanted to be together all the time til about 4 years ago.He began drinking and accussing me of cheating online.He would snoop through my things and yell and he was even alittle abusive towards our oldest child a couple of time. We seperated and I wasnt cheating at the time by the way.Anyway 3 months later we got back together. But since then I have felt like I got back with him for my kids.All the things he said that lead to our split keeps replaying through my head and I cant forgive him.I have caught him drinking at times so I know he lies about it. And I feel like I cant trust him. As a result I am now completely unattracted to him.I hate having sex with him and only do so about 1 time a month just to keep him happy. I hate kissing him also or holding hands.I know that marriages loss the fireworks but does it go to this? Also recently I have began talking to other men and have found one that I really like and we kissed yesterday. I really enjoyed it and it is all I think about now. It felt good to want someone to touch me again. Anyway I know I am wrong for how I feel and I dont know what to do. I dont want to hurt my husband or leave him alone but I also dont want to be around him or spend time with him either.It only irritates me. I enjoy his company when he treats me as a friend.Otherwise I wish he would find someone else and leave me. Does this plus the fact that I am considering cheating mean that I should seek divorce? And if so how do I handle telling him? This is exactly how I felt with my first ex... I fell 'out of love' with him.. about 12 years prior to our separation. I would have stayed (probably) if he would have left me alone (no sex)... I even let him have it twice a week.. it was painful (not physically but emotionally).. I hated it.. I even proposed to him to get someone on the side.. then I might have stayed.. I don't know.. but I would have stayed longer I'm sure.. he refused.. he was p*ssed that I even considered this.. He became extremely jealous.. (I had quit smoking and my whole body changed, long story)... anyway.. I had to leave I couldn't take it anymore. I began fantasizing about other men.. big time.. My libido was zero with him.. but went through the roof when I began to see other men after I left him.. (I never cheated because I knew my life would have been miserable, thinking about another man and still be a prisoner in my relationship, I knew I couldn't do that). I don't really have any advice.. do what you think is best for you.. but I think that, now that you have 'taste' another man.. it will be harder for you to stay with your H... maybe you should leave.
whichwayisup Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 To cheat and see if it develops into love so I can leave. No, you leave because you're unhappy in your marriage. You don't fall inlove with someone else and THEN leave your husband and divorce. Sorry, but that's ass backwards.
stuckinoz Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 nopainnogain -- Cheaters are not morons. Confused, yes...but moron - that is way harsh! Falling in love with someone & then leaving a marriage is much more common than any of us realize. I completely understand why you think that cheating might make things easier to leave. There are people out there right now in horrible marriages that refuse to leave their spouse until they find that "PERFECT" person to take them away from all the horribleness they are enduring. I completely understand why they think that way. I wish at times that I had left for "someone else". Loneliness is no fun when you are trying to figure things out. I personally think it's pretty noble for someone to leave on their own. Try to figure yourself out & let your husband figure himself out (if he's going to) & then try the re-building steps. It isn't going to be an easy road for you. Trust me - I left & there were days that I thought I would die from a broken heart over all of it. But the truth of all of it is .......... It does get easier over time.
Blu_Eyes225 Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 You definatly need to make up your mind...what your doing is wrong!
whichwayisup Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 I personally think it's pretty noble for someone to leave on their own. Try to figure yourself out & let your husband figure himself out (if he's going to) & then try the re-building steps. I wouldn't say it's noble, more like, what a mature and responsible adult does when in a tough situation. Staying and cheating is alot easier than leaving and being alone. MANY people are scared of being alone, ending a marriage.
stuckinoz Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I wouldn't say it's noble, more like, what a mature and responsible adult does when in a tough situation. Staying and cheating is alot easier than leaving and being alone. MANY people are scared of being alone, ending a marriage. Ok maybe noble wasn't the correct word - BUT I definitely agree with you - Staying & cheating is a lot easier. (as long as ya don't get caught) There are lots of people out there that have stayed married long after their expiration date out of pure lazyness. Unhappy & all........they putz thru life ~ I wonder how most of our parents did it back in the day. One thing I did want to say here - there are several people on here that have said "Tell your husband that you are thinking of cheating".....Well sure go ahead - IF you want to start WWIII....I would NEVER recommend to anyone to spill their guts even if you are just thinking about it. Men have huge egos & it would probably crush his & quite possibly beyond repair. I came clean to my husband about an affair (sort of got found out & sort of had to tell...could have tried to lie my way out)...Our marriage - while for a little bit seemed like it was ok - - We're separated now. I think in part due to the affair........(he says not - but I'm not sure).... Anna...... How are you doing now? Update please.
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