Gia77 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Is it wierd to not live together before you decide to get married? I feel like I would personally prefer to live without someone until I'm engaged to that person. I don't want to be that girl that just turns into a permanent live-in girlfriend. Plus breaking up with someone you live with must be so much messier (yes, i realize that getting a divorce from someone is a pain in the butt too). But I just feel like if I'm single at 40 I would rather not have to explain to someone that I'm dating that I've lived with 5 boyfriends, none of which married me. Is that wierd?
trubella Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 i thought about this myself. ive seen couples get comfortable with living together, never to marry. the stats of ppl breaking up after living together has been an eye opener to me- as my bf and I have been planning to move in together next january. i dont think its wierd, i think its smart.
Sum1'sGot2RepThe530 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 At the same time, how are you going to know if you're going to like living with that other person unless you give them a tryout first? You just have to have the right mindset and the discipline to not let it turn into an ongoing thing. Of course I didn't take my own advice with my wife, but our situation was different due to me being in the military at the time, we had to get married for me to move her across country to my base. Didn't make a difference though, we're still headed for divorce someday soon.
manugeorge Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 I use to be staunchly anti- living together too because well, it's just not something you do. My childhood values dictated that. I never thought twice about my stance until my boyfriend asked that we live together. Stating that how well do you really know someone you've never lived with?. I found myself agreeing with him somewhat, I only see him twice a week and we talk on the phone once a week. We've been dating 6 months and he's right, I don't feel like I really know him. There are some "secret-single behaviors", that everyone has that your SO never has any idea about and frankly, sometimes, I think I like to keep mine secret:laugh:. I still don't know where I stand regarding living together pre-marriage or engagement, I keep going back and forth on it. I'm staunchly indepedent and enjoy my space tremendously so I would want to keep my own apartment but then again, how do you learn to share your space if you won't give up your space? Also, I don't want to live with a man who has no plans of marrying me but somehow I think a man who won't marry me, won't marry me anyway regardless of the fact that we shack up or don't shack up. I'm confused.
brightskies Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Is it wierd to not live together before you decide to get married? I feel like I would personally prefer to live without someone until I'm engaged to that person. I don't want to be that girl that just turns into a permanent live-in girlfriend. Plus breaking up with someone you live with must be so much messier (yes, i realize that getting a divorce from someone is a pain in the butt too). But I just feel like if I'm single at 40 I would rather not have to explain to someone that I'm dating that I've lived with 5 boyfriends, none of which married me. Is that wierd? You spell it, "wierd." As in, "I before e except after c ..." I always thought that was the correct way to spell it, but somehow I keep spelling it "weird." Anyway, I think not cohabiting before you marry is completely fine, and not weird at all. Although it's definitely becoming more unusual. Most people I know cohabit prior to engagement or marriage. That's cool, if it works for them. Personally, I'd rather wait until my bf and I are more seriously committed. Like manu, I'm confused on the issue, but I'd err on the side of caution. I'd rather not give "all of me" until I'm closer to sure that he's the right one. One simile that comes to mind: cohabiting while married vs. cohabiting while dating, is like owning a home vs. renting one. I feel like a couple would take better care of a home that they own, vs. a home that they rent. I sense that there's more certainty, stability, and "we're in it for the long haul" thinking in a marriage of two people who are *seriously* invested in each other. Whereas, if one cohabits while dating, I imagine it would be easier to bail out when things get rough. Of course, it would depend on the couple -- some non-married cohabitors might be more seriously invested than some married couples, or vice-versa. Still, there's something to be said for the pleasures of delayed gratification.
lovestruck818 Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Is it wierd to not live together before you decide to get married? I feel like I would personally prefer to live without someone until I'm engaged to that person. I don't want to be that girl that just turns into a permanent live-in girlfriend. Plus breaking up with someone you live with must be so much messier (yes, i realize that getting a divorce from someone is a pain in the butt too). But I just feel like if I'm single at 40 I would rather not have to explain to someone that I'm dating that I've lived with 5 boyfriends, none of which married me. Is that wierd? Best decision you could ever make! Annnd liivng with someione before engagement, prolongs a proposal, IMO. Where's the incentive for the guy to propose if he already getting everything he would have in the marriage anyway?
Author Gia77 Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 Best decision you could ever make! Annnd liivng with someione before engagement, prolongs a proposal, IMO. Where's the incentive for the guy to propose if he already getting everything he would have in the marriage anyway? Thanks lovestruck! You took the words out of my mouth. I feel like these days, instead of the nagging question "when are you guys getting married?" alot of people ask me, "when are you guys moving in together?" I feel like telling them never b/c once we move in together I will never get a proposal. I love my boyfriend but I know that he would get very comfortable with simply cohabitation. And I'm not ok with just that. I feel so old fashioned saying it but it's true.
Lizzie60 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 IMO.. it is totally ridiculous to NOT live with your SO BEFORE getting married.. what if you're not compatible sexually or in any other ways.. there is no way you can truly KNOW someone unless you lived with that person. I find it apalling that people will get their house inspected upside down before they buy it.. but will marry someone they have NOOOO idea if they are compatible.. they will even go for a road test for a car... but not knowing if you can actually live with someone for the rest of your life.. is LESS important.. doesn't make sense. Completely ridiculous.. uncomprehensible..
Zolar Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Marriage itself should not be a goal. It's not wise, anyway. And, not living with someone before you sign a paper that says you will live with them until one of you dies is a bad idea. You don't know someone until you live with them.
trubella Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 what if you're not compatible sexually or in any other ways.. there is no way you can truly KNOW someone unless you lived with that person. cant you find out if your sexually compatible with someone without living together?
Lizzie60 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 cant you find out if your sexually compatible with someone without living together? Oups... you're right.. I got mixed up with the 'no sex before marriage'.. but I still stand by my post.. it's NOT a good idea to not 'try' or 'play house' first..
carhill Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Practically speaking, my wife was late to our first date and her car looked like a bomb had gone off inside it. I didn't need to live with her to know what I was getting into. The only exception was the farting....that infernal farting We didn't live together until getting married and I can say with confidence that I have in no way been surprised about anything. Anything and everything I have accepted has been totally my responsibility. That's my disclaimer for the day
Dark-N-Romantic Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Cohabiting, just live these silly notions about sex before marriage or that married people instantly and forever are in love. All is furthest from the truth actually. These things do NOT prove that you two are compatible as marriage partners, only time and "until death do you part." will prove if you two were compatible. True marriage can not be pretended upon. Oh, we would like to think we are making a good choice because we lived with someone or that we have had sex with them, or this fantasy filled idea of love for our partner means our marriage is going to work. True marriage can be mocked. True marriage is about a constant changing state of... 1. True love, which is an ability to care for someone even when they are not deserving of that love. 2. Submittence and compromise. Being able to reach an agreement of equality when neither one can win. Or being able to bite a bullet when compromise is not insight and for the sake of love one has to put oneself to the side for the time being. 3. There are trials and tribulations that pretend marriages don't face, like what if your SO is badly injured or disfigured? Would you still marry him? What if he lost his job and you can't afford the place where you live? What then? 4. The true character of the man your with is not shown... He is still in his I have to make an good impression phase so I can finalize this life long commitment. And I am sure you are doing the same as well. Nothing that we do before marriage really mean anything in the long run, but give an impression of what things MIGHT be like. DNR I personally would strongly recommend doing what you are doing now. Living apart, dealing with the things in your individual lives while you work towards bringing everything together. Don't rush it or pretend that it is something that it is not.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Is it wierd to not live together before you decide to get married? I feel like I would personally prefer to live without someone until I'm engaged to that person. I don't want to be that girl that just turns into a permanent live-in girlfriend. Plus breaking up with someone you live with must be so much messier (yes, i realize that getting a divorce from someone is a pain in the butt too). But I just feel like if I'm single at 40 I would rather not have to explain to someone that I'm dating that I've lived with 5 boyfriends, none of which married me. Is that wierd? I don't think it really makes much difference whether or not you live together before marriage. It's true that you will be able to learn if you are compatible and can get along under one household. But now-adays I think you could pretty much blame anything on your divorce. If it's something you would like to do then go for it, if not then that's okay too. If you don't live together it would be wise to discuss how you will manage finances, split the chores of the house, ect. I don't think it makes much difference though, you learn whether or not you are compatible from being in a relationship.
Groovy Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Studies show if you cohabitate often you are less likely to marry. However if you cohabitate once your chances of marrying this person are greater. I talk about marriage with my BF and feel we both see it in the distance so went for it for a first. I decided to cohabitate next month and am 36. When I was 20 something I would felt like you do. But I have seen too many women hit 50 while waiting for their way as the only way and maybe waiting for societies stamp of approval. And in my time I have even seen couples with kids live happy for 20 years and never married. I've seen plenty of miserable marriages too. I have been engaged and lived with a man who maybe to outsiders looked great but it was like taking care of a kid. The man I am with now is very responsible and makes me happy...regardless of a ring. When I googled research fifty percent marry, forty percent seperate and ten percent continue to cohabitate after 5 years. Just make sure you are doing what you want and not avoiding cohabitation because it's what relatives or society approves of. Good luck whatever you choose!
Trojan John Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 My wife and I were adamant that we live together before marriage. The notion that "love will conquer all" is a fallacy. I lived with a girlfriend whom I once considered marrying. Being able to see her much longer on throughout the days led to her letting her guard down. Letting her guard down led me to see all the personal oddities, hygiene and mental/emotional problems she had. I will not extrapolate, but it was much worse than it sounds. Besides learning if you can or cannot live with a crazy person, you also get to learn how they deal with finances, which could also be a deal breaker. My mother married a secretive and compulsive gambler who later also became an alcohol abuser. They did not live together prior to marriage. All of his secrets slowly came to light over the course of several months. They had a very bitter divorce which ruined my mother financially. I think living together first will save you a lot of trouble in the long-run. Besides, if don't end up married it's not because you lived together first, it's because the other person doesn't want to marry you (probably because you're a mental gambling alcoholic with bad hygiene.). My 2 centimes.
Chamari Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 I think what it all comes down to is how honest the relationship is. If both of you are honest with each other then I don't see any reason to live together before marrying. However, if you're hiding things like it sounds like Trojan John's gf was doing then yeah, they'll probably come out if you're living together. My bf and I didn't live together before we got married. However, while we were dating we were pretty honest with each other so once we did get married and start living together there weren't a huge number of issues. He already knew that I was a messy perfectionist with self-esteem problems. If that hadn't come out before then yeah, I could see living together coming as a shock but if your relationship is serious enough that you're thinking about moving in/getting married/whatever with someone you should already have some ideas as to what their flaws are in my opinion.
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Absence can sometimes make the heart grow fonder. It’s also that: “still having something to look forward to” kind of thing. For the most part, people (however different) can tolerate each other in measured doses. It’s easy to be more vigilant about presenting only your best that way. But the real litmus test comes when you’re finally living together. Doesn’t matter whether that happens before or after the nuptials. Your relationship and how well you get along after the newness wears off is gonna be tested, one way or another, unless you somehow avoid co-habitation all together. Marriage first has never safeguarded against divorce anymore than living together has ever prevented two people **who are good together** from marrying. You either have what it takes as a couple to go the distance, or you discover within the first few years that you’re a complete mismatch and end up parting ways. Which ever situation will cause you less money, trouble, time and grief in the end is simply a matter of opinion and/or personal experience. I don’t think you’re “weird” at all for preferring the traditional route. I can absolutely understand the desire to have a more solid commitment from someone before jumping into something that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. On the other hand, I also completely understand why so many people these days prefer living together first ... for the very same reasons. But no matter how many imaginary safety nets we try to put into place, none of us have ever figured out the secret to avoiding eventual disappointment and heartache. In the end, it all comes down to hard work and lots of LUCK.
audrey_1 Posted September 5, 2008 Posted September 5, 2008 Is it wierd to not live together before you decide to get married? I feel like I would personally prefer to live without someone until I'm engaged to that person. I don't want to be that girl that just turns into a permanent live-in girlfriend. Plus breaking up with someone you live with must be so much messier (yes, i realize that getting a divorce from someone is a pain in the butt too). But I just feel like if I'm single at 40 I would rather not have to explain to someone that I'm dating that I've lived with 5 boyfriends, none of which married me. Is that wierd? No, it isn't weird not to live with someone before deciding to get married. I believe this is how it was done for years and years up until things got all modern and complicated. Now we shop around, try things out, including living together until we're sure if we want to be committed. In my case, I lived with my boyfriend, who did propose to me, but I figured out through living with him that I did not want to be his wife. And the time that our relationship ended up until I moved out was one of the worst times of my life.
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