Author confused..... Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 So would u think I'm not respecting her space with this, she never did ask me what I wanted she just told me what she wanted and that she really loved me and that we were great but she wanted a break. But I do want to talk, I thought she would ask me to talk but she hasn.t she only has communicated via text and instant messanger. Yikes I love her and DO NOT want to lose her!
almost famous Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 She is cutting off contact hoping you will react exactly how you are now, extremely sad and upset. She will not give you what you want until you make the grand gesture, I'm not kidding here. She is basically giving you an ultimatum. You give her what she wants, and you get her, you don't, and you don't get her. You have to decide if she is worth it and procede accordingly. It's either that, or she's taking a break to date another guy and leaving you on the backburner. Trust me, it's either the first or second circumstance. I am telling you this from the female perspective, also.
Author confused..... Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 Wow really, marriage?? yes I can see myself married to her but not after 8 months. I want to date her and become a part of her life before we get married. As for dating another guy, she always told me she would be honest and if its another guy, she told me from the beginning she would tell me. I just would be shocked. She loves me, cares about me, gets a twinkle thinking about me says we are great and starts dating someone else???
almost famous Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I think it's possible she is seeing another guy. She is "taking a break" from the relationship so that gives her the option to see another guy. She might tell you that isn't a part of it but she doesn't want to lose you for good and if she tells you she's seeing another guy, she knows you might remove yourself from the picture for good. Yes, I'm thinking she's thinking marriage. Since she is older, things work faster, you 'know' if you are ready for marriage or not. I believe if you showed up at her door with an engagement ring and plans to move in with her, she would be overjoyed. Either that or she wants you to start by moving in with eventual engagement/marriage. I think she is looking for a "grand gesture" from you, the real thing.
Author confused..... Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 Yes she sure could be seeing someone else. We have been broken up for 2 weeks, and I just don't see how it would happen that fast, especially if she has been so busy as she has told me. Trying2Trust08 what are ur thoughts, no offense to anyone else, I really respect your opinions so keep them coming, but she has direct knowledge of similar feelinsg and thoughts. What happened w ur "perfect" relationship guy? Why did it end and did either of u try to get it back. As well she moved back in July to a place 2 hours away. Prior she lived a 1/2 hour. We saw eachother 3 or 4 times a week and I DO NOT see that changing regardless of where she and I live right now. again we have been dating 8 months.
almost famous Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 2 hours away...well that is difficult. She probably met the other guy before she told you she needed the break.
Author confused..... Posted August 24, 2008 Author Posted August 24, 2008 I spoke with her this evening. She wanted an update about my doctors appt. and wanted to be sure I wanted to speak with her. We spoke for 25 minutes, it was a good convo. We caught eachother up and we LAUGHED alot. It makes me miss her, I hope she has the same feelings. She sounded great and happy. She told me how she hasn;t been shopping for herself in a while and how she is just working so much and can't wait to get off. I asked if she would meet me for coffee on Friday and she agreed and told me it would be very awesome to do so. This is IMPORTANT TO ME....PLEASE your advice is important to me and I appreciate everyones help.
Author confused..... Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 I hope all is well, I am hoping you will see this post and reply to ALL those questions I asked, and to advise me on Friday. sorry I know I am needy right now, but this is an important step in the right direction--I feel!
Author confused..... Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Sorry I know I am searching here, but does anyone have any feedback/opinions on this? Any single moms, older women,,,guys who have been through this. I believe she is running now (sabotaging something GREAT), to save herself from the fear of me running later.
nopainnogain Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 She probably met the other guy before she told you she needed the break. I bet the farm that she did
Author confused..... Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 What other guy??? if she did I think we had the type of relationship where she would tell me, she said that herself when we started dating. This is a defense technic bec. Every man in her life has abandoned her in one way or the other. I m not that type. This woman is/was head over heels and kept telling me she was soo scared bec. She was falling hard. Even when she asked for a break and time to think she told me she really loved me and was so happy with me. "We are great and I get a twinkle thinking about you". I tend to trust the ones I love.
nopainnogain Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 What other guy??? if she did I think we had the type of relationship where she would tell me, she said that herself when we started dating. . yeah, George bush also said "no more taxes" Hey man, I had a girl that was innocent and we said the same crap to each other at first. 4 years later she blows her co worker and bones my friend. After being on here im in the high percentage group that these kinds of things happen too. Not saying your girl is like that,but most of them are(guys too) So prepare for the worst and hope for the best but then again hope is another way of saying not having a choice.Dont out your life on hold
Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 What other guy??? if she did I think we had the type of relationship where she would tell me, she said that herself when we started dating. This is a defense technic bec. Every man in her life has abandoned her in one way or the other. I m not that type. This woman is/was head over heels and kept telling me she was soo scared bec. She was falling hard. Even when she asked for a break and time to think she told me she really loved me and was so happy with me. "We are great and I get a twinkle thinking about you". I tend to trust the ones I love. Sorry I havent been able to get back to you, very busy! I can see where you're coming from about her trying to sabotage things....This could very well be so, she's afraid. I was abandoned & cheated on also and until you go through something like that you will never understand. My BF right now thinks I try to sabotage things, Im not too bad, but sometimes I think of things to end our relationship even though that is NOT what I want. I like him a lot, he's great & I realize I can't do this to him because I truly care for him as a friend and BF and I have stopped and Im just enjoying being with him. Unfortunately, your girlfriend needs to come to this realization on her own, there's nothing you can do at this point but be patient and give her time and space. Maybe she will change her mind, maybe not. U can ask her to go out or go places, but if shes not asking you or cutting off communication I would back off. I wouldnt think she would go to another guy, but it is a possibility.
Lishy Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I am also a single mum and it is not easy to bring someone new into your life and more importantly your childs life She has called this break on so that she can work out if you two are going to work out, she obviously has doubts or the break would never have been called. Women rarely call breaks because they love someone too much, it is more likely she wants to just see how life is without you in it. I would be so scared if I met a younger guy who didnt have kids, you need to have children to understand the problems that arise with them! My ex was perfect in the respect that he understood kid problems but then we had crap communication so it was never going to work I am wondering if you are as needy with her as you sound on here (no disrespect meant at all hon) and I am wondering if you are like another child to her? Could that be posible? Advise: Stop talking to her, let her initiate any contact and dont hang around for too long waiting, remember you are just as important as her!
Author confused..... Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 First off thanks to both of you. And I think that is why I have been patient, and I have not intiated any contact at all with her. She instant messaged me last week (2 weeks after break), and then text messaged me on Friday and Sat. All I did was wait a few hours on friday to respond, and on Sat. I waited the whole day. She ALWAYS responded right back. On Sat. she asked me to call her "if I wanna". So I did. And we spoke for 25 min. Like I said earlier, it was a great talk. VERY light and lots of laughter and joking around. We caught eachother up. I have been patient and will be patient, I don't think I was needy at all. I gave her space, I know where I sit in the priorities and I was fine with it. I have told her as well. She said that it seemed like I was always just around recently (toward the end) and that is true, only bec. I was traveling this whole summer and she told me in the beginning she was frustrated by it. If anything I tried to correct that. But she was the one who was always texting and calling. And I NEVER questioned anything or had jealousy issues etc. She has said she was scared, again from the beginning that she was falling for me and it worried her. We have great communication. And again, she re-iterated on her own how great we were and how much she loved and cared for me, and told me days before we broke that she was extremely attracted to me. I got along great with her kids, and I think that really scared her. A week before we broke up her two youngest were hugging me and I KNOW that freaked her out, as well as the fact that they were always asking about me.(i miss those cuties!). Well we are seeing eachother on friday for coffee. I never did express my feelings on her "break" I just told her I would respect her decision bec. I loved her, and she responded with an "i love you". And again she did tell me she did not want me to sell myself short.. I think I m needy now bec. I am just trying to get your female perspective since you have kids. And I really love this woman..we have no arguments, smile and laugh all the time, support eachother, respect our individual lives, , make a great team, and ar very much attracted to eachother.
Lishy Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 It sounds like she is scared and there is nothing you can do about it honey! You are doing the right thing by backing off, but like I said, dont hang around too long!
Author confused..... Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Any recommendations for Friday..do I keep my feelings/thoughts concealed and just have a good time with her. Clearly she knows I want to talk, wouldn't you think? Do/did either of you have those feelings call it off and look back and regreat it with your ex bf's? Is their anything I can do to convince her not be scared??
Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Any recommendations for Friday..do I keep my feelings/thoughts concealed and just have a good time with her. Clearly she knows I want to talk, wouldn't you think? Do/did either of you have those feelings call it off and look back and regreat it with your ex bf's? Is their anything I can do to convince her not be scared?? I would do whatever you feel right....it seems like u have given her some space and she's the one contacting you, so she's interested in something with you. Maybe just friends? I mean, you can ask her where you stand and tell her you will be patient but I would also be firm in your needs also.
Lishy Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Meet her and if she is still not sure then end game Grow a backbone and tell her that you are ending it and that you hope she finds what she is looking for Let me tell you, NO woman likes a man they can control, take some control back and YOU call the shots - Dont sit and snivel about how much you love her and miss her and will wait *yawn* that will make her lose attraction for you all together It will make or break you!
shockandawed Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I gotta agree here, Friday should be resolve or termination. My heart goes out to you and I know you are wanting nothing more than to reach out, grab her and get your relationship back to where it was. Unfortunately, she is giving you the royal jerk around. This is complete selfishness on her part and totally unfair to you. There is nothing wrong with giving space and allowing each other to have lives outside of the relationship, but it is totally wrong to basically end the relationship but ask you to hang around, wondering and waiting. None of us know the reasons for her actions. I see you wanting desperately to find justifications for it, she is scared of you dumping her, she is scared of her kids, etc..but I don't buy it. If she is being totally honest, then she is showing you how she handles issues and it is not right. More importantly, it won't be the last time this happens. I hope I am wrong, but I seriously suspect there is another interest and she may be seeing if anything develops there. Like I said, no one knows the real truth but her and that is unfair to you. I do think you need to take control of the situation. It is really the only chance you have here. I don't think you should badger her, beg or any of that, but you need to draw the line. I know how terrifying that can be and you are so afraid that it may send her running, but abiding by her wishes completely hasn't caused her to come running back either. Friday, I would meet with her. I would make sure you are alone and have ample opportunity to talk. Look her in the eyes, tell her how much you value the relationship, how much you care for her and how much you would like to continue, BUT, explain to her how unfair it is to have you sitting on hold. That you are somewhat insulted that after all this time together, she can still be so unsure of your relationship that she needs to go away for extended period of time. If she isn't willing to work together and resolve any concern which makes her feel this way, then maybe she doesn't have the same commitment to the relationship that you do. You have given her what she has selfishly asked for and she needs to now give you what you need here. If she is unable, then this relationship doesn't have the balance you need and you wish her nothing but the best and be on your way. Lishy is right, if she sees you as a doormat who will wait indefinitely, your attractiveness is pretty well gone. She needs to understand you have a value. If she doesn't see it, she won't understand it. I hope nothing but the best for you.
Author confused..... Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 Wish it was that easy my man...wish it was that easy...if you wanted to end it, why don't you just say it? At the end there is less pain, and the healing process to me begins almost immeadiately. More chance to be friends, again in my mind. I think she needs to see me being patient and supportive yet confident that I will be fine. easier said then done...
gfto Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 When a woman tells you she wants "time out," it means she has lost interest in you and it won't be coming back. The best thing to do is to tell her you think time out is an excellent idea and then just disappear forever. The reason she IM'd you is because you didn't contact her for a week and a half. That tweaked her ego. But, it doesn't mean she's suddenly interested in you again.
Author confused..... Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 Maybe I'm just holding on and hoping (I'm) but why make it a point to repeatedly tell me she loved me, and that we (her and I) were a great couple. If she wanted to let me down easy she could have said that it was over, but she never used those words AT all. Moving, a new job, her kids and their new schools, a new house those took priority. The thing is I'm ok with her sorting all of that out. I don't know I guess everyone here has had bad experiences so that is why I'm getting this advice here (why else would people be here) and so I'm seeing the bad side of things. I know she is in love with me I just want her to realize I'm not going to abandon her in a few years like she thinks I will. Actions speak louder then words. We are meeting tomorrow and all I can do is follow her lead and not "crowd" and pressure her.gonna be tough not to kiss her mannnnnnnnnn that was always the great part!
shockandawed Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 We all completely understand what you are doing, we have all done it. My ex fiance continually told me how much I was the center of her universe up to the very end. We were on a cruise together 2 weeks before we broke up where she was having our picture taken together at every chance, discussing marriage options, etc.. She blew up, pulled the space card, little to no contact for 2-3 weeks, then we finally had a conversation and she admitted (after some questioning) that she had started seeing someone else. I did everything you are doing, blamed myself, made all kinds of excuses for her, thought maybe I should show her how much I love her, wait for her, replayed every I love you she said and thought about every action she did up to the breakup that contradicted her leaving, etc...Go read my old posts, or better yet, scroll through the breakup and coping forums. You will find them littered with stories so close to yours, and unfortunately, rarely with a good outcome. I am not saying blast her, scream or anything such as that, but she has to understand how unfair this is and that you have a value. Ask yourself this...could you have done what she is doing to her?
Author confused..... Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 Wow.....a blow to my stern for sure. I guess I am just thinking..if you love someone, but cannot be with them (if its another guy etc) then let them go, by TELLING THEM THE TRUTH...it always comes back and bites you in the ass. But hey that is just me. Holding out hope that when things are great they are great..sometimes time away, space, etc allows individuals to grow, allowing a partnership to grow apart, only to better what was already something great...again, I am holding out hope...and to answer your question, if I needed a break, yes I would ask for it. If I was seeing someone else yes I would tell her...and she told me from the beginning that she would ALWAYS tell me. She is older and has been in relationships (marriage).
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