confused..... Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 I have been dating a wonderful, amazing, beautiful woman for the past 8 months. She is a single mom and it was spectacular. We have an amazing relationship. As our relationship started to develop so did our love for eachother and we were constantly saying we made a great team, and we still do make a great team. Lately she has been feeling the pressure of me and the kids, "turning it on and off". She also wonders what we want with this relationship. We have discussed things and I have told her I know what it means to be involved and that I loved us. She never really bought that (believing I knew what it meant), she is also older then me by a few years and I have never been married, and have no kids. I do accept I needed to do a better job at explaining it, and I did not. Well she recently asked for a break and time to think. She made it clear that she LOVED me, and that we were great,, and that I gave her butterflies. I responded that I did not agree and was saddened but I would respect her decision because I loved her. She responded that she loved me and I left it as that! That was a week and 1/2 ago and I did not further contact, the othernight she messaged me (instant) and we had a light and breezy im conversation. It was tough for me, because I wanted to ask her when we would talk etc, but I know she/we need this time to think and get past our fears, she needs to miss me and believe me, I am in it for the long haul. I have been torn up, and it hurts. She used the word "babe" twice last night, in direct reference. I took last night as a sign she missed me. I just don't know what to do.....it hurts because it was soooo right. Do i play it cool, allow her to contact me as she wishes, I do believe she loves me, and loves us and will want to date again, I am very confident in that thought, but it still hurts. I love her that much!
Mahatma Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Wow, that is tough. I've never really been one to do the whole "break" or "just need time" thing. In your situation I would be very torn. If you really do love her, just give her the time and space she wants and hopefully things will unfold and work out.
Walk Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 I never understood the "let's take a break" thing either. You're either in, or your out as far as I'm concerned. Not one foot in and one foot out... letting all the flies in with the door wide open. I'd personally tell her that she can have as long as she wants to think about it, but you're going to go out with your friends and have a good time. Be confident. If you're sure she loves you, then go out and have a good time. She'll come flying back to you if she figures out your not sitting alone at home weeping softly to yourself. Just stay away from dance clubs, strip clubs, or areas known for picking up women and you'll be fine. Go over to a (male) friends house and play poker, or go bowling, or go hit some balls at the batting cage. Just go do something. Anything. And try to put this out of your mind for a few hours.
nopainnogain Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 She used the word "babe" twice last night, in direct reference. I took last night as a sign she missed me. I wouldnt buy into that "babe" crap. Uses that to keep you on a string and it seems like its working. Ive heard a lot of guys saying "but she called me babe,maybe she still wants me":rolleyes: Just give her space and be productive. Dont put your life on hold.
Author confused..... Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 I would love to hear the female perspective on this...
Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Well, maybe she was feeling overwhelmed by her feelings?? I'm a single mom also, and it is hard to juggle a relationship, especially if it is getting serious to the point where you're spending more time together. It may be taking time away from her kids, or another reason. I wouldnt doubt her feelings for you. I dated a guy once and he meant everything to me and I turned my back on him because I didn't want to risk getting hurt. It sounds stupid, but I couldnt go through any more pain at that point in my life. Our relationship was absolutely wonderful, neither of us would've changed one thing. I would suggest just giving her some space and try to be understanding, I know it must be hard when you feel soo strongly for her. Dont smother her. I would go out with friends, maybe try to get your mind off of this. And come here and vent to us, it always helps getting it out! If you need anymore advice,just ask!
Walk Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 I would love to hear the female perspective on this... I am female.
zxcirce Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 "Walk" is a female. So am I. I think the best thing to do is not try to contact her and let her contact you as she wishes, or tell her not to contact you at all until she's made a decision. It might be hard, but really let her see what she's missing. She might or might not come back, but either way I don't see it as fair to you to keep you hanging for too long while she sorts out whatever is going on.
Author confused..... Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 That makes TOTAL sense. It sounds like her. She even told me multiple times that she was falling for me and it was scaring her deeply. I told her not to worry, I wasn't going anywhere. She recently picked up another shift working and has decided to go back to school (both of which she told me after we broke) and I think she is diving in bec. she is scared. May I ask...if I pull back and give her what she wants...does that help reassure her this is something serious to me?
Walk Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 If I were her I wouldn't exactly want you to "pull back" meaning become more distant. I'd want you to be available to talk to, share concerns with, but not have you become an emotional wreck, or hysterical. That would take a huge amount of self-confidence on your part. You'll have to be self assured enough to know that whether she stays, or goes, that you'll be okay. That you'll give her time and energy you have available because you do care about her, but you won't sacrifice your own mental or physical health for her. I was always most reassured when my partner would just listen to my concerns and problems without interjecting his own ideas/opinions or thoughts onto me. He just let me talk about mine, sort through them, and come to my own conclusions. If I asked specifically for how he would do it, then he'd answer. But otherwise he just listened and tried to understand. He was available without being needy. Concerned without being judgemental. And he kept his boundaries for how he felt he should be treated at all times. If he felt I crossed it, he would communicate that to me.
Author confused..... Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 I did tell her I loved her to and that I was here if she needed anything. I want her to be sure that I am giving her time to think as she asked. Again she reached out to me and I did answer. I just did not intiate. I don't want to "smother" her. I want to respect the space she needs and be sure she can work on whatever it is she needs to. At the same time, I DOOOO want to be involved and listen when spoke to and answer when asked questions.
Author confused..... Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 Trying2Trust08 I am very interested on your insight as I feel you may have a feeling on what she is going through.
Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 That makes TOTAL sense. It sounds like her. She even told me multiple times that she was falling for me and it was scaring her deeply. I told her not to worry, I wasn't going anywhere. She recently picked up another shift working and has decided to go back to school (both of which she told me after we broke) and I think she is diving in bec. she is scared. May I ask...if I pull back and give her what she wants...does that help reassure her this is something serious to me? I wouldnt suggest pulling back, but I would definately let her contact you. And when she does contact you, be a friend to her and be understanding. If she is "afraid" of her feelings right now and you try to put pressure on her or contact her a lot, she will shut you out. She was falling for you too hard and it seems she is trying to maintain her independence with going to school, et....It seems she is trying to maintain a sense of "self" because she knows guys come and go and she may be thinking things are great with you now, but relationships don't last. Were u guys spending a lot of time together?? I know you told her you weren't going anywhere, but you need to show her this with time, words only mean so much. Show her that you will be there for her by being patient. I always look at the guys actions, not his words because anyone can say anything and not necessarily mean it. I will give you an example..the guy I said I cared about very deeply and our relationship just didn't work out, and now I know why. The relationship moved very quickly, we became best friends, did lots of stuff together, texted a lot, called a lot, things were WONDERFUL, but I got afraid and insecure and we drifted apart. Im dating someone new now for about 4 months, he doesnt come on strong, he never did. We hang out, but things are moving slowly and me and him have a better relationship than I did with the other guy when things were "perfect". He understands I need my space , and my independence and I have 2 young children and Im still trying to find myself in a way. I hope this works out for you and I hope Im helping out. Im just giving you advice from my POV, as I'm a single mom also.
Author confused..... Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 UNbelievable....yes we spent alot of time together, but NOT too much. recently however, she did tell me that it just seemed like I was always there..but I traveled so much this summer when I wasn't I was spending time with her because she told me she was frustrated with my travel. In my defense I always encourage her to go out with her friends and give her what she wants. She moved back in June and she apologized and thanked me for being understanding and helpful and not getting in the way. She told me she felt bad because she was taking away from us and I told her not too worry. And that is when she thanked me. Sounds like I am guilty of both. And she also told me she felt we were going too fast with me meeting her kids. 7 months though, i thought was enough time, but she told me she wanted more "us" time. I told her I would do whatever we needed to do. Take 5 steps back to take 6 forward. I told her I would give us the time we needed. Is this damage ir-repairable??yikes....why wouldn't she just end it rather then ask for time to think, and re-iterate her love for me and for us. And be sure to tell me how great we are. I LOVE THIS WOMAN. I AM DIGGING DIP. I WILL BE PATIENT...
Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 UNbelievable....yes we spent alot of time together, but NOT too much. recently however, she did tell me that it just seemed like I was always there..but I traveled so much this summer when I wasn't I was spending time with her because she told me she was frustrated with my travel. In my defense I always encourage her to go out with her friends and give her what she wants. She moved back in June and she apologized and thanked me for being understanding and helpful and not getting in the way. She told me she felt bad because she was taking away from us and I told her not too worry. And that is when she thanked me. Sounds like I am guilty of both. And she also told me she felt we were going too fast with me meeting her kids. 7 months though, i thought was enough time, but she told me she wanted more "us" time. I told her I would do whatever we needed to do. Take 5 steps back to take 6 forward. I told her I would give us the time we needed. Is this damage ir-repairable??yikes....why wouldn't she just end it rather then ask for time to think, and re-iterate her love for me and for us. And be sure to tell me how great we are. I LOVE THIS WOMAN. I AM DIGGING DIP. I WILL BE PATIENT... Well, it sounds like you're going about things the right way. It seems she may be feeling guilty for not taking enough time for her kids?? Or maybe she thinks she introduced them to you too soon??? As far as the kids situation goes, you already met them, no big deal. If she thinks its a good idea for you not to be around them, than agree with her. 7 months does seem like a good time, but there's no rush when it comes to meeting kids, ya know? I wouldnt analyze if u did something wrong, if she loves u she wouldnt hold this stuff against you. keep up with being patient!
Author confused..... Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 Thankyou and I'm sorry I keep directing my questions towards you but I think you can closely relate to her. I'm struggling with this and really want to call her and talk and tell her I love her. She did tell me she did not want me to sell myself short (I'm assuming with her). She did text me yesterday (I had a big doc appt) just that she was thinking about me with the doctor. I responded a few hours later and we txted a few times, then I stopped. Could it be she feels I don't know what it means to have kids and that I would regret her and the situation. I want her to know I'm thinking about this, I really want the opportunity to talk with her. I'm torn. I don't want to push but I'm tearing up and its hurting. I have been doing things which has been great but I'm missing her!
Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Thankyou and I'm sorry I keep directing my questions towards you but I think you can closely relate to her. I'm struggling with this and really want to call her and talk and tell her I love her. She did tell me she did not want me to sell myself short (I'm assuming with her). She did text me yesterday (I had a big doc appt) just that she was thinking about me with the doctor. I responded a few hours later and we txted a few times, then I stopped. Could it be she feels I don't know what it means to have kids and that I would regret her and the situation. I want her to know I'm thinking about this, I really want the opportunity to talk with her. I'm torn. I don't want to push but I'm tearing up and its hurting. I have been doing things which has been great but I'm missing her! NO, it's no problem, Im glad to be able to help. Yeah, from that comment about selling yourself short. Yes, single moms often think this way, I know I do. When I date a guy that doesn't have kids and I always think how could they possibly 1. take my kids in as their own and 2. ever be able to fully understand and accept my situation. It is a lot to put on someone. I think I make more of it than it really is. And what if you are around her kids more and spend more time with her and them and decide you can't deal with someone elses children .(these are the thoughts I have ) The guy Im dating right now, I feel somewhat guilty...I dont have a whole lot of time for him, but I always make a huge effort to make time. We have been 2gether for 4 months and he totally understands my situation. He has met my younger child and he is great with him, he asks me how my kids are often, etc...But a part of me feels that he deserves a girl without kids, to start new with. I don't know why i feel this way and I have never expressed that I feel this way. Or what if he does do things with me and my kids and he doesn't like how it is. That scares me. So, I have a question for you...if a woman has kids and you have really strong feelings for her, the fact that she does have children doesnt bother you??? OK, as for contacting her....well, since she has sent you some text messages I think at this point it would be safe to talk. Maybe do it in person or on the phone, not through texting. DOn't come on strong, just ask how shes doing and tell her how you feel about things.
Author confused..... Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 Yes I love her and her kids and her life, I do know I have thought about this a lot and I'm satisfied that yes I love and understand it all. She just texted me again and I have not answered just making sure doc went ok. She mentioned how busy she is and that she is now working 6 days. Do you think this is too block me out?she also mentioned distance but can work around it,see eachother 3-4 times a week.
Author confused..... Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 Sorry to clarify distance was mentioned when she asked for the break. She just told me about her working 6 days now.
almost famous Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I think she may be afraid that since you are younger, you will eventually leave her for another woman who doesn't have kids so you can have your own kids with her. Maybe she doesn't want another baby and she doesn't want to deny you of that so she is bowing out and being unselfish.
Author confused..... Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 Yes I think that is IT, and I'm sure she has spent the past 2 weeks saying just that too herself. But here I'm how and what do I do to convince her otherwise?
almost famous Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 You need to go out and buy an engagement ring and propose on bended knee. This is what she is waiting for. she is also waiting for you to take steps so that you aren't long distance. You have to look deep within yourself and decide if this woman is really worth it. I really don't think she is. She is very selfish because she wants you yet she doesn't want to compromise whatsoever. She won't have a baby with you, yet she won't move to be with you. Can you move on? I think this will be a disaster, to be honest, and I really do think she is a very selfish person. You can do better devoting to a woman who is unselfish and willing to compromise. She is playing the game, she is creating emotional distance with the expectation that you come a running with an engagement ring and a note that you quit your job to marry her. It's all very calculated on her part. You have to think if she is even worth it. You get married to this woman and she is going to be domineering and calculating and she will get everything she wants, whether it is reasonable and works for you or not.
Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Wait..how far do you live from her and how long have u been dating?? I wouldnt expect a woman with a child to move closer to you...is the father in the picture?? Sometimes the courts won't even allow that! Anyway...Yeah, I mean, after 2 weeks you gotta talk to her. You have given her the space. If she wants something to work out with you, even if she is working 6 days a a week, you should be worth it to her. I work part-time, go to school, have 2 kids, take care of a house and I always have time to make for someone I care about. Even if I dont have all the time in the world, I would at least have one day a week...for a few hours a night or something. She can't expect you to wait forever and if shes doing this whole space thing to get her way, thats not fair to you....
Author confused..... Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 We dated for 8 months, I think she is being unselfish and letting me go but is clearly not cutting the cord fully. I want her back and how do I go about and convince her this is for real and that I'm better then that! She is worth all my love!
Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 We dated for 8 months, I think she is being unselfish and letting me go but is clearly not cutting the cord fully. I want her back and how do I go about and convince her this is for real and that I'm better then that! She is worth all my love! well, unselfish or not she needs to be up front with you. It seems she wants everything on HER terms and relationships arent that way, its about compromise. Even if she does have the kids working more, etc...just be up front with her and tell her you are willing to give her the space she needs but u love her and want a relationship and she needs to compromise with you. Just call her or make a time to meet in person.
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