tuscansun Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Before you read this understand that I am a Christian so, not that non-Christians can't respond but it may be more understandeable to those who share my beliefs.... I just got out of a really LONG really SERIOUS relationship (try 3 and half years)...and even though technically it ended last September, I say ’just got out of’ because I have barely ’just’ decided to really get out of it. It’s a long painful story, but short version is, we were supposed to get married, there were a lot of broken promises, a lot of pain, he has moved on, at least physically with someone else and I want nothing more then to be rid of the emotional damage and baggage our relationship has caused. I wish I had chosen to cut ties when we broke up, instead I let it drudge on with fights and retaliation-we stayed physical which made everything way worse, and even now he swears that his new girlfriend is ’just a phase’ and hopes I’ll be around when he’s done with it...I know we must deal with the consequences of our actions and I am dealing with it every day. Before our relationship my relationship with God was so strong, the sad thing is we were both Christians and we sort of brought each other down. Through All this Ive found my way back to the Lord in the midst of all this pain while he has just continued to spiral further and further down..... The hard part is not saying goodbye to him, he’s no longer in my life. But it’s so difficult to forgive him. My dad looked at me one day and said "MY Bible says none of us are deserving of forgiveness but Christ offers us salvation anyway.Don’t be like Jonah"....I try to remember this but I have so much bitterness and resentment.....I feel like I was pure until HE came along, I TRIED to make it work, HE dropped the ball, and HE is sleeping with someone else now like I don’t even matter....IT’s WRONG of me to feel like this, I played my part in it too, but how to make it stop? God won’t heal me until I forgive him but it’s so hard to. I worry what if I can’t fall in love again? What if I don’t want to go through this again? How long will it take? Like my dad said, NONE of us are deserving but GOd forgives us. I need to stop pointing the finger. But I wake up and am attacked with reminders of what he’s doing now, what he did to me and the cycle repeats itself. Has anyone been here? What helped you?
0hpenelope Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Before I get into this, I would also like to ask the trolls to step aside as well. We're not smashing anyone's views and she has said anyone's welcome to offer secular viewpoints as well. Mods, if you think that this should be moved to the Spirituality and Religious Beliefs forum... OP, perhaps you should make a post there as well, though I think this thread being in this forum is just fine also. You're coping using religion, right? even now he swears that his new girlfriend is ’just a phase’ and hopes I’ll be around when he’s done with it... This may not please you, but I have to call him out on this. Jerk! You're not a butler who waits on masters. You need to move on too, what the heck is this guy thinking? Testing other waters? ...I know we must deal with the consequences of our actions and I am dealing with it every day. Before our relationship my relationship with God was so strong, the sad thing is we were both Christians and we sort of brought each other down. Through All this Ive found my way back to the Lord in the midst of all this pain while he has just continued to spiral further and further down..... You can only do things for yourself, you know. My great-aunt told me "You have to do things for yourself, but when you make God your Partner, you can do anything." I think you can only do so much for other Christians who don't do anything for themselves. I can see what you're thinking here, though. You wish for him to be as strong in his faith as you are now? Is this your concern? You can help him. Does it matter how much it may cost you personally? You did say that he's no longer in your life, though. But ultimately, he has to take the steps for himself... (cont'd.)
Mending1985 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Before you think about forgiving him, maybe you need to forgive yourself for what you think are wrong actions i.e. pure before you met him etc. We are all God's children and we are not perfect, He knows that. Your relationship with God will come back to you, it's sometimes hard to keep faith when you are hurting so much. I agree with OP about him as well - JERK! Don't wait around for him! He managed to just walk away from you, do the same to him. You are deserving of something much better than that, and yes you will fall in love again, this time with someone who fills you with belief in yourself and them, and will never hurt you like this. Have faith x
0hpenelope Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 "MY Bible says none of us are deserving of forgiveness but Christ offers us salvation anyway.Don’t be like Jonah"....I try to remember this but I have so much bitterness and resentment.....I feel like I was pure until HE came along, I TRIED to make it work, HE dropped the ball, and HE is sleeping with someone else now like I don’t even matter....IT’s WRONG of me to feel like this, I played my part in it too, but how to make it stop? The last I checked, we're humans... The last time anyone that is called the perfect Christian that roamed the earth was when that someone was crucified and raised on the 3rd day. I hope you don't take it as I'm preaching to the choir, but I think that this is one of the fundamentals of our religion: forgiveness. I think you can consider this from a different perspective, too: Jesus was revolutionary. He was a Super Psychologist: he was able to connect to people in ways that commoners could understand, something that the Pharisees and the Sadducees failed in. When people were abiding more or less on Hammurabi's code, He was telling people "Look, if someone steals your stuff, give them the rest." The general population who ended up following him at the time had a hard time wrapping their minds around this... You honestly think that millenia later, we'd be above this struggle? This is my sacrifice to Him for everytime I pray. I turn inwards and reach in, pull the nastiness out and I tell him "Take it! Please, I don't want to think about him anymore, I don't want to feel hurt, I don't want to miss him, just please..." I turn prideful and sometimes, I don't even pray. Delusional to the thoughts of being able to "handle" it today on my own. He always proves me wrong. Always. I can never carry on if I don't consciously seek out His grace to take this away. Thank you for sharing your father's input. He is right, but you need to find your own path to forgiving your ex. Your father's reminder is a very crucial landmark to that path.... and for mine, as well. Our struggle to forgive is very, very real. I know for sure that even if I live to be 90, I will be nowhere near the level of being able to forgive someone seventy times seven (Matthew 18:22). This... this is our burden for the day, and for the coming days ahead. The way I've taken it upon myself is, He's using it to bring me closer to Him. "You've been away from the Church for too long. You're faithless because your leaders in your faith are doing immoral things, but you need Me. Forgive them too and come to Me." Are you asking from yourself that you'll be able to forgive your ex right away? Wow... people have been able to forgive someone right away for worse reasons, but I don't think it's fair to discount heartbreak as a lesser level of pain. Anything related to love... it's the worst kind of pain. Loss of a husband, loss of a close relative... loss of a lover. The way I see it, it's our test, this forgiveness. In order to be prepared for a test, we need to study. Forgiveness... that's a lot of studying for. (cont'd.)
0hpenelope Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 God won’t heal me until I forgive him but it’s so hard to. I worry what if I can’t fall in love again? What if I don’t want to go through this again? How long will it take? Like my dad said, NONE of us are deserving but GOd forgives us. I need to stop pointing the finger. But I wake up and am attacked with reminders of what he’s doing now, what he did to me and the cycle repeats itself. Has anyone been here? What helped you? We're so focused on ourselves... I wondered about it, too, but my friend reminded me: it's also about what God wants for us. People argue about pre-determination and free will and how the way we use that is making it sound like God's a puppet master. I questioned that, too. But the way that I've worked it out for myself is: God has a plan, but He'll let us make mistakes. He knows better than anyone does that experience is a very good teacher. It's used for the wrong purposes sometimes, but you know... somehow, it catches up to the wrong-doers in the end. Others call it karma (but it's specifically defined - we won't get to that in this thread, though). I just call it "biting them back in the butt." I like karma too, though. I'm coming to terms with that, as well. I'm settling on a content state of mind that I may go through life as a single person. It's okay; it's happened. I have really good examples in my family of happy single persons. They'd very much like to have a family still, but they're not discontent. To have that kind of contentment in life... Man, I'll get that one day. I'm saying if your calling is to get married, then I think it will be given to you. Was it St. Paul who said, though, that it's okay to be married but it's not for everyone? It must be in 1 Corinthians... Perhaps this is something you'd like to discuss with your father, as well. I remind myself that a single person's closeness to God is of a different, unique union. It's a single-minded devotion to one being alone - and it's the Supreme Being. It boggles my mind. Remember this?: "A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man should have to chase Him to find her." – C.S. Lewis I hope you'll be okay soon... I'm actually glad that you posted this thread because: I'm reminded of what I need to do and I think there are others here who will appreciate this kind of thread. They may have been just too shy or afraid that they'll be judged. Being a Catholic is a little bit tougher nowadays, what with all of the things happening in the institution. One day at a time.
Author tuscansun Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 Thanks everyone, your comments have been most helpful! It's only been a few days since the last talk and already I feel so renewed. There's a peace that comes in KNOWING, I think it was killing me to feel so in between. It's kind of exciting to think I'm starting a new life now. Im only 23, I guess I have time to let love find me. I do worry a little that a few years from now I'll find out that he put a ring on her finger and she's got a kid on the way. I remember giving him a baby rattle for our two year anniversary and attached was a note that said, "I promise to make sure we can use this one day"...kinda cheesy but it's strange to know that it's possible these plans will be carried out with the new girlfriend. He's ten years older than me and she's his age so I understand they're on a different time table than I am...I try not to think of all that happening but I should be prepared for that I guess : /
Mending1985 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Hey I'm 23 too! And my ex was 9 years older than me and ready to settle down etc. but at the time I wasn't which is what screwed us up and I regret it every day. If he marries her and has children with her, then it obviously isn't God's plan for you to be with him. Just remember that our lives our written for us before we are even born, so you will get through this and move on to bigger and better things. x
Author tuscansun Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 Hey that means a lot to me, thank you---Don't you just hate those "If only i could have...." days?
Mending1985 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Ohhhhhhhhh yes. Those are the worst. Lying in bed thinking "If only I'd done this" or "If only this had happened differently". I hate how much regret hurts, and I hate the fact that the situation is out of my control. Guess the only thing we can do is control how much we let it affect us and our wellbeing.
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