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ALL my insecurities has come out.........now what?

sweetlee102

By sweetlee102
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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sweetlee102 Member

sweetlee102

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:o

 

Ok I have posted before and got great responses however I have a hard time following them, that is my problem. I really need to take advice at this point because I know what pushes guys away and I am on the brink of that and lucky i have not yet. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months. I love him to death and things are going great. I unfortuntely am a very insecure/jealous person. I try to hide this but sometimes things build up and it all comes out.

 

I met my boyfriend online and one of the insecurities I have is when he is online. I get freaked out that he is going to meet someone else or wonder who he is talking to etc. In the last month i have mentioned all this to him. He laughed at me. Not in a mean way but kind of like a surprised are you serious way. Then there is the cell phone. He always has it turned upside down. So i mentioned this to him the other night and said i feel like you are hiding something. He laughed again like what????? He said everytime his phone goes off i freak and say who is that? etc. and that I dont believe him when he tells me. Ok so he is correct. he says he is not hiding anything. Honestly he has not done anything to make me suspicious but i have been in every relationship because yes i was cheated on. now i think of every possible way or senerio i can be cheated on and worry about it. It drives me insane and yes im sure it is begining to drive him insane. I know im a great girlfriend with the exception of all my paranoid thoughts and i know that is enough to destroy a relationship.

 

I just dont know what to do or how to change. Anytime im not with him i think what is he doing, is he calling girls, etc? Crazy i know. Especially since I am almost 30 and should be more mature. Therapy is not an option at this time although i know i need it. I went for a few sessions and loved it but unfort. my health insurance does not cover enough! So does anyone have any advice?

 

THANK YOU!

sandrawg Established Member

sandrawg

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There are a lot of good books on jealousy, if you truly can't continue therapy. I would suggest you go to a bookstore and pick 1 or 2 up.

 

Also, being cheated on is hard on your self-esteem. Do some things to boost your self-esteem...take a class where you have to get up in front of people...learn a new skill...take a bellydancing class (bellydancing is sexy and makes you feel confident-plus it's fun)....just start developing your own life and interests. You'll feel less dependent on your bf and more like your life doesn't hinge on whether he leaves you for someone else. Plus, he'll find you even that much more intriguing and attractive.;)

AmyKidders26 Member

AmyKidders26

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I totally agree. I was like this but when i confronted my man he said that i was the same so we laugh about it now. I still feel un easy about his phone as its another reason for your thoughts to run away with you. If i have learnt anything about cheating it is this, the more you push and nag the more your man will run away and cheat. He will get annoyed with the continuous droining noise and look for something happy and exciting.

My man cheated but we are giving it another go, i now make an effort and he loves it! Belly dancing sounds fun might have to try that one.

good luck with finding something that puts ur mind at rest xx

You'reasian Established Member

You'reasian

Posted
Posted
:o

 

I just dont know what to do or how to change. Anytime im not with him i think what is he doing, is he calling girls, etc? Crazy i know. Especially since I am almost 30 and should be more mature. Therapy is not an option at this time although i know i need it. I went for a few sessions and loved it but unfort. my health insurance does not cover enough! So does anyone have any advice?

 

THANK YOU!

 

Ask him if you can check out his phone or email?

 

I let my gf look at my phone messages and will explain myself if necessary - wow, I must really care about her to let her do this :)

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

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Do you always feel this way in every relationship, some relationships or solely this relationship?

lightningbolt Member

lightningbolt

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unfortunately, im in the same boat. only that im in your bf's position. i have posted on this before. i think my gf is very insecure....and your paranoia about your bf's cell, his presence online etc...i am going through it all....and more. believe me, from the sound of it, it looks like you are aware you have to control your thoughts. and that is half the battle won.

 

i think one big plus point is that you have somehow managed to control it until this point (you mentioned that your insecurities are surfacing in the last month). i have been dealing with mine from the beginning. how your bf reacts to your insecurities is important. is he willing to discuss it with you, work it out with you? Speaking from personal experience, im saying that it is absolutely one of the most insulting and infuriating experiences one can have to have to deal with accusations from your partner. trust is the basis on which relationships are built upon. so if your bf has not done anything to rouse your suspicions, then it IS ok to tell yourself to loosen up. pls refrain from being so negative. don't tell him your concerns in an accusatory manner. the negativity will definitely rub off on your bf, and you can soon expect that your bf will stop laughing it off with you, no matter how patient he is. instead, make a decent effort to recognise your bf for the person he is, for the things he has done for you. i wish you good luck. by acknowledging your problem, im silently confident that you can control them.

Walk Established Member

Walk

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Maybe it would help if every time you have one of these thoughts you immediately redirected it to something else... like a sport you're really good at, or a past experience that really made you proud.

 

It seems as if negative thoughts like these have a way of becoming a habit quickly. And like any habit, it takes concious effort to change it. I read some where that it takes 21 days to instill a new habit. Maybe if you challenged yourself to spend an entire month practicing, then after that you'll be more apt to think of positive experiences (versus the negative posibilities).

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sweetlee102 Member

sweetlee102

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Do you always feel this way in every relationship, some relationships or solely this relationship?

 

Unfortunately I do always feel this way in relationships. I always go in to them saying ok I am going to be different this time and not worry so much about something that has yet to happen. Problem is I can not follow through. I just get worry because all you see in society is cheating and it bothers me. I dont want to be played for a fool so instead i make things stress full :o

manugeorge Established Member

manugeorge

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You are trying to control the uncontrollable and that is going to drive you insane. Think about it this way, if your boyfriend is going to cheat, i.e., if he is the type, no amount of paranoia or checking up on him will prevent that from happening. He will find a way to do it one way or the other. So why are you stressing yourself out over something you have no control over?

 

What are you afraid of? Being played for a fool? Guess what, it happens to the best of us, anyone at anytime can play you for a fool. As you yourself said, cheating has become so rampant in our society these days, so what makes you think you can be specially immune from it? What you do is live your life, be the best person you can be, choose your lovers carefully and hope for the best. If the worst happens, you deal with it, it won't kill you.

 

What is that saying, "anxiety is interest paid on the problems of tommorow". :)

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sweetlee102 Member

sweetlee102

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You are trying to control the uncontrollable and that is going to drive you insane. Think about it this way, if your boyfriend is going to cheat, i.e., if he is the type, no amount of paranoia or checking up on him will prevent that from happening. He will find a way to do it one way or the other. So why are you stressing yourself out over something you have no control over?

 

What are you afraid of? Being played for a fool? Guess what, it happens to the best of us, anyone at anytime can play you for a fool. As you yourself said, cheating has become so rampant in our society these days, so what makes you think you can be specially immune from it? What you do is live your life, be the best person you can be, choose your lovers carefully and hope for the best. If the worst happens, you deal with it, it won't kill you.

 

What is that saying, "anxiety is interest paid on the problems of tommorow". :)

 

Thank you for the answer, and I LOVE that quote. I am going to try to live by it!!!

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