mags122289 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Hello, I am 27 yrs old and my BF of 2.5 years broke up with me in June. He's 31. I decided that if he were really giving up on our realtionship that it would be best that he not contact me ever. We had been having some trouble since the start of the year. Basically he was unsure what he wanted and what made him happy and pulled away trying to figure it out. Between Jan and June there was a lot of push and pull. I'd try to tell him what I need from him to continue and he would tell me he couldn't provide it at the time. But niether of us could walk away as we loved each other so much. There was a huge communication breakdown. Finally we agreed to end things and we didn't speak for 2 months until today. Recently while on match.com (my attempt to get over him) I noticed that he had viewed my profile and marked me as a favorite. After two months of NC I sent him a quick email just saying, "isn't match.com for meeting new people, not old?" I didn't get a reply, but IMed him and we had the following conversation: me: Hey there, how have you been? Him: Hey, I'm hanging in there. How about you? Are you enjoying the summer? I got your email. wasn't sure the best way to respond... over email, phone, etc. I saw your pic online when I logged on for the first time in a while, hence the "favorite" me: I'm doing well. Summer has been fun. I'm sad that its coming to a quick end. oh, I was under the impression you had to add someone a favorite specifically. No big deal, I just saw it and thought I should say hi anyway Him: yeah, well I did click favorite so I could keep find you easy. I've wanted to call every once in a while over the past few months but didn't think it was right to do so me: ok, because I had asked you not to? Him: yeah, pretty much. But I just want to know you're doing okay, happy, etc. as much as you think I'm a jerk I do care about you me: I care about you too, and I've wanted to call sometimes as well to see how you are. I guess never wanting to be the girl calling her ex-bf when he's with someone else kept me from picking up the phone. I just don't want to be that person calling, you know? Him: well, for what its worth, I'm not with someone else me: I have no way of knowing that. I'm just saying that assuming you were, I'd hate to be the ex calling, and that kept me from picking up the phone. Him: well, you can always call me as I am always here for you. I just felt like initially we needed the separation given what we were going through you needed things to be different, I couldn't do that and, as such, we needed to put some distance from one another me: I understand that that is how you feel Him: well, if you ever want to talk, pleas free to call me. You shouldn't feel like you'd be bothering me as I genuinely want to know what's new with you, how you're doing, etc. me: do you like the distance though? Him: Like would not really be the operative word. I think its been needed though. Sort of need to figure out what I am looking for, what makes me happy, and ultimately what's important. I think I'm startting to get some perspective on that me: Maybe you could send me an email and fill me in? Him: Perhaps, sometime in the near future me: ok, I'd really like it if you did I am in love with this guy and have been dying to have him back ever since we split. I'm not sure how he feels based on the conversation we had. And insight? I don't know what to do next!!! Thanks!
BackonTrack Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 he doesn't want to be with you. leave him alone find someone new This line me: ok, because I had asked you not to? Him: yeah, pretty much. But I just want to know you're doing okay, happy, etc. It means he didn't want to call because he wasn't sure if you were hurt or not, probably didn't want to hurt you not really because you said don't contact him. best to go NC, forget about him. he knows you want him, he not sure what he wants, maybe by the time he figures it out, you'll be there, or maybe not. live your life, find someone new, atleast he didn't hurt you.
Treasa Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 I think you're fishing a bit. Your objective seems transparent, which might push him away a little. I would maintain friendly contact (but let him initiate next time), don't bring up other girls or him having someone else, and just be cool. Be like how you were when you two first met.
Author mags122289 Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 BackonTrack, Why would he even volunteer that he's thought about calling? He turned the conversation the way it went. We could have just small talked about our summers. And why is he trying to be able to find me easily at match.com? Thanks for your advice.
Author mags122289 Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 Thanks treasa. I'm going to try my best not to contact him again and hope that he reaches out to me. I purposely was a little transparent as I didn't want to come right out and let him know I wanted to get back together without feeling the situation out a little. Others think its clear that I want him though. I tried to avoid that and guess I will continue to. I want to attract him back, not push him away.
BackonTrack Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 BackonTrack, Why would he even volunteer that he's thought about calling? He turned the conversation the way it went. We could have just small talked about our summers. And why is he trying to be able to find me easily at match.com? Thanks for your advice. Those are not compelling reasons for wanting to get back together. He would volunteer that information because you two spent 2.5 years together, and he actually thought about calling you, but you do have a point, he could of small talked about the summer, but isn't that what you guys did?? "hey i seen you on match.com" cool, i seen you too hey i added you to my favorites "yeah i saw that too, thats why i am contacting you" hey i wanted to call you "yeah me too" Hey, Keep in touch "yeah, i would love to hear from you" Thats friend talk between someone who wants to be with someone and someone who doesn't want to be with someone If you have to tell a person to keep in touch, likely hood, that person has no intentions of keeping in touch unless they want something.. I don't know, I am no relationship expert, I don't know anything, my girl was cheating on me for 6 months before I found out, I am the last person to ask for advise, but all I'm saying is, I think its over. You should follow the advise from the above poster, she seems smarter than me. you did appear to be fishing a bit, forget about that man, if he wants you, he knows where to find you, go strict NC, over time he'll miss you if he hasn't found your replacement, which he hasn't, btw for him to say "i am not datting anyone" is good sign. I'm not saying there is hope, but 2 months NC? come on, he had to figure things out by now
Author mags122289 Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 Thanks again for responding. Naturally, I'm over analyzing this qucik conversation we had and trying to see the good and positive rather than the reality here. But that tends to be what the broken hearted do, right? I completely understand you mock conversation. But, in my case, he was the one who said he's been wanting to call first, and he's the one who said that I should feel free to call (aka, keep in touch) first. Wouldn't you think that me, being the one wanting to get back together, would have said I've wanted to call you and I want to keep in touch? He initated all that. Maybe I'm misunderstanding your point?
nowhereman82 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 me: do you like the distance though? Him: Like would not really be the operative word. I think its been needed though. Sort of need to figure out what I am looking for, what makes me happy, and ultimately what's important. I think I'm startting to get some perspective on that me: Maybe you could send me an email and fill me in? Him: Perhaps, sometime in the near future This sticks out most to me. He says he still hasn't figured it out....and PERHAPS he will fill you in on it. I think he cares for you but he has lost that loving feeling and is still doing what he needs to do.
sultry33 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 he wants you to call its as simple as that.. men are stronger they dont volunteer info .. saying he is not with anyone which btw you should not really of asked but hey its done.. you need to decide if you will call as he has said he be happy if you did.. thats giving him "the power".. so if you want you could wait for him to contact you.. if he is that keen then surely he would.. or you could call him and make your own decisions i like making the 1st moves.. i like being in control.. works for me.. but i step back too so therefore im not full on . just go slow and no more questions.. my ex asks me alot of questions which i dont really like but i dont ask back.. hope it goes well for you
MichiganMan222 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 You know what I don't get? The list of things you're supposed to do to get someone back after a break up (pretend you ok with the situation; you agree the breakup was right, etc)....are the same exact things people hear and say 'he clearly doesn't want you'......what if he's following a list similar to that? What if he's just being coy....you know she didn't 'ask' him if he was seeing someone (although her stating it as a fact was clearly her wanting him to verify it for her), but he did offer that tidbit up. When I read that that he volunteered the 'not seeing anyone' thing, I thought to myself he was saying 'I'm waiting for you to try again'. At least guys are easy to figure out. With women, you don't know if they really don't want to talk to you, or if they are saying to themselves 'I want him, but if he doesn't love me enough to try again, then its not meant to be'. I can picture NC for a year and then hearing later from the ex 'I didn't mean enough to you for you to contact me'.
Art_Critic Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 I'm not sure how he feels based on the conversation we had. And insight? I don't know what to do next!!! he doesn't want to be with you. Back on track is right.. The thing that is the hardest to have sink in is that if someone wanted to be with you, then they would be with you... If a person wanted to contact you then they would... You contacted him didn't you ?.. well you wanted to contact him so you did.. the same goes for him... I'm sorry.. maybe putting more NC time between you two will allow him to miss you...
nowhereman82 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 You know what I don't get? The list of things you're supposed to do to get someone back after a break up (pretend you ok with the situation; you agree the breakup was right, etc)....are the same exact things people hear and say 'he clearly doesn't want you'......what if he's following a list similar to that? What if he's just being coy....you know she didn't 'ask' him if he was seeing someone (although her stating it as a fact was clearly her wanting him to verify it for her), but he did offer that tidbit up. When I read that that he volunteered the 'not seeing anyone' thing, I thought to myself he was saying 'I'm waiting for you to try again'. At least guys are easy to figure out. With women, you don't know if they really don't want to talk to you, or if they are saying to themselves 'I want him, but if he doesn't love me enough to try again, then its not meant to be'. I can picture NC for a year and then hearing later from the ex 'I didn't mean enough to you for you to contact me'. Interesting, you do have a point there. That would be horrible if both people read the same advice. They would never make a connection then haha. Really something to wonder on...
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