mytruelove Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 sorry i went awol for a little bit, i was just emotionally drained. my house may very well be sold tomorrow. i'm scared and nervous, but excited at the same time. it's funny how some days i'm okay with everything and happy and have a sense of peace, others i just don't think i'm going to make it through. yes, it is an awesome thing to be able to express your feelings and feel safe to do so. the frustrating part is being able to act on them and when someone else is in the picture and someone is not completely emotionally and physically available that makes that really hard. it hurts to want to have and do soo many things with someone and not be able to at the moment. i want so much just to be able to go on regular dates with him, to just go home and sit and hang out with him, to lay next to him in bed. to be able to have a normal relationship without the extreme pressure, constraints, and other commitments. so, acting on those feelings is inhibited. i have some amazing "moments" that i will cherish forever with my guy- no matter what!...there ours and ours alone and i have those forever and always. i don't regret any of them. with just one touch he totally changed my life. he freed me. i felt again for the first time after being numb for so so so many years. i found myself again and everything that i love about myself which i had forgotten. and yep, ws, sex and intimacy...i never knew it could be so incredible. he's shown me what real closeness and love is. i know now how good it can be and i'm not going to settle for less even though i am still trying to get comfortable with being so vulnerable.
wildsoul Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Atta girl! As others have said here many times, there's no way you can go wrong by freeing yourself. This recent connection was an important catalyst. You're out of the bad M. You're out of the A. You're a beautiful and exciting single woman. The world is your oyster!
Author mytruelove Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 thank you so much for the encouragement - i definitely need it. especially from someone that understands what i'm going through. like i said, some days are better than others. it still hurts, i still have some doubts and regrets, but usually they are fleeting when i look at the reality of the situation. i feel like a ship without a sail floating in the water sometimes, but at least i'm the captain of that ship now right? i love this: "You're out of the bad M. You're out of the A. You're a beautiful and exciting single woman. The world is your oyster!" think i'll hold on to it yep, no matter what i'm taking the steps to get out of my situation right? and all of the above- i'm doing my part to do the right thing. then it will be up to my guy to do his if he really wants a relationship with me. i guess we will REALLY see then. how are things with you? do you have pm rights yet? i do - feel free to pm me anytime.
wildsoul Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 do you have pm rights yet? i do - feel free to pm me anytime. One of the mods let me know that I can pm after Aug 28. (I think that must be my 1 month anniversary date.)
Agent_99 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 sorry i went awol for a little bit, i was just emotionally drained. my house may very well be sold tomorrow. i'm scared and nervous, but excited at the same time. it's funny how some days i'm okay with everything and happy and have a sense of peace, others i just don't think i'm going to make it through. yes, it is an awesome thing to be able to express your feelings and feel safe to do so. the frustrating part is being able to act on them and when someone else is in the picture and someone is not completely emotionally and physically available that makes that really hard. it hurts to want to have and do soo many things with someone and not be able to at the moment. i want so much just to be able to go on regular dates with him, to just go home and sit and hang out with him, to lay next to him in bed. to be able to have a normal relationship without the extreme pressure, constraints, and other commitments. so, acting on those feelings is inhibited. i have some amazing "moments" that i will cherish forever with my guy- no matter what!...there ours and ours alone and i have those forever and always. i don't regret any of them. with just one touch he totally changed my life. he freed me. i felt again for the first time after being numb for so so so many years. i found myself again and everything that i love about myself which i had forgotten. and yep, ws, sex and intimacy...i never knew it could be so incredible. he's shown me what real closeness and love is. i know now how good it can be and i'm not going to settle for less even though i am still trying to get comfortable with being so vulnerable. Wow you summed up so many things I've felt since being involved in my A. I have spent a good part ofmy life being 'frigid' emotionally. A term XH came up with. Falling in love with MW and sharing everything about myself with her changed that in me forever. Everyone has noticed the change in me, many atrribute it to my marriage ending. Which in part is true, but the openess is due to her, and my ability to be completly vunerable with her. Even though I'm miserable ending the A, I'm still a happier person than I've been in many years. 99
astra77 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 . i have some amazing "moments" that i will cherish forever with my guy- no matter what!...there ours and ours alone and i have those forever and always. i don't regret any of them. No one can take this away from you, but you have to remember they are just that, memories. Let all your past mistakes go, pick yourself up off the floor, dust yourself off and move forward, dont look back. Learn from your mistakes, OWN them, and live right from now on. You have your whole life ahead of you, its about time you started to enjoy yourself !!
phoenixrising Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 The same thing happened to me - I was numb for so many years, and for some odd reason this person caused me to open my heart like never before. Now that we've ended (after 4 years) I feel myself drawing back, and I find myself putting that wall up sometimes. I never, ever want to go there again and am afraid that the wall will come up permanently now that he's gone... do any of you feel this way?
jj33 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Sometimes. Neither of us are the most open people in relationships, superficially very friendly and outgoing but not open. And together we were both very open and it was very special. But now the doors have closed again the wall is up. Some days I feel like it would be very hard to be that open again. But really that is what made the relationship so special. Phoenix if it happened with the MMs then it can happen again. Its just a question of meeting the right person where it feels safe to open up again. I think that takes time especially if you were with MM for 4 years. Just like they crave the emotional intimacy and suffer without it, you will want that again too. Its not a terrible thing not to be that open with everyone. You will know when its right to trust someone on such a deep level again. It can be harder to imagine in the abstract when you are still hurting.
aloneatnights Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 i opened up with my MM and at least, i know i have a capacity to do so. never knew i had the emotions and feelings in me until then, but unfortunately i didnt feel they were recipriocated (sp) so had to end it for my own sanity.
phoenixrising Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Alone, I never knew I could feel love at this depth for anyone except my child. While it's very different, of course, the unconditional part is there. And while I felt his love so, so strongly, and never had any doubts that the feelings were reciprocated, I do wonder how much of his emotions were built on fantasy/escapism. Unless one is free to build a one-on-one relationship, how can you ever really know? That's why the only answer is finding the strength to go NC. We have to let go for our own sanity, and to free them to make decisions in their own lives. It's too bad many don't have the guts to free themselves to make a proper decision - they simply choose to look for another OW/OM to fill their voids, and keep up the deception with their W/H.
jj33 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Alone, I never knew I could feel love at this depth for anyone except my child. While it's very different, of course, the unconditional part is there. And while I felt his love so, so strongly, and never had any doubts that the feelings were reciprocated, I do wonder how much of his emotions were built on fantasy/escapism. Unless one is free to build a one-on-one relationship, how can you ever really know? That's why the only answer is finding the strength to go NC. We have to let go for our own sanity, and to free them to make decisions in their own lives. It's too bad many don't have the guts to free themselves to make a proper decision - they simply choose to look for another OW/OM to fill their voids, and keep up the deception with their W/H. Exactly for those with no plan to leave, its filling in the gaps. The ultimate form of delegation. I think that is part of what makes leaving such a gamble sometimes it works beautifully (as with GEL and others) but other times even if there is love there, what worked as a crutch doesnt work on a full time basis. You can think it will work but you never know until you get there.
courting17 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 You are so right. Will my mm simply move on to another A and remain in his lonely marriage if I end it? He has said that although he loves me, he is staying for the kids. Done. He said it. No more illusions. So I am just floating along. He does not want this to end and knows that I will (hopefully) get to the point of leaving. I can't help but hope that if I end it he will miss me soo much that he will leave the m. That is sick to admit,right?
jj33 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Its not sick its honest and most every OP thinks that at some point or another. If he is really that unhappy in the M and is so happy and in love with me, when will he wake up and smell the coffee and do something about it. I thought that often. That he was wasting precious time when we could have been together. But thats not their agenda or they would do it.
wildsoul Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I can't help but hope that if I end it he will miss me soo much that he will leave the m. That is sick to admit,right? Since I broke up with mine, he's reacted in a few different ways: Was angry and taunting me that he'd find another OW. I do believe that besides trying to get me upset, he has been actually considering that as a viable option.Made more pleas for me to stick it out (unsuccessfully.)This morning, he sent an email saying that last night he told his wife that he is moving out. He says he knows he wants me and while he used to think he needed to do a slow separation, now he sees there is never a good time, so he's going for it.Now, I've already been through a phase where he rented a room and was supposedly separating. (That he was separating was a requirement for me to date him.) But he backslid on that. My mistake was being with him in advance of his separation being formalized. I'm watching to see what he does next. I can tell you this much: he would not be moving out now except for the fact that I broke up with him. He would have happily procrastinated on his D (for financial reasons) as long as I was still filling the romantic/sexual void. Please understand that I left for me, not to manipulate him. Yes, some part of me hoped that maybe he would take action (and I knew that he wouldn't otherwise.) But as wise people here say often: If you end the A, you cannot lose.
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