going NC

[Agent_99]

am I ready? NO. But I am hurting so badly. All we do the last week is argue, partly my fault partly hers. We never see each other except at work. Luckily we work in different departments until I can find another job.

 

I just can't handle it. I care about her so much and I know that right now she is having a load of home trouble, BUT it seems like she doesn't really even try to see me, we've went from meeting a couple times a week (at her request) to seeing each other once a week, and me feeling guilty about it because she says she did it so that i wouldn't get mad that she really had other things she needed to do.

 

We had plans for tomorrow night, but now she is backing out of that. So I won't see her until sunday morning at work. I'm thinking that right now is a good time to start NC. It will be a process though. Because she is going to want to talk about it, and I'm so afraid that I'll let talking sway me back into the affair.

 

On the other hand I'm fairly determined that it has to end. The rollercoaster is getting bigger again and I just can't go there again. It scares the #&** out of me. Last time it got too big I told her partner about us and moved just before spring quarter, screwing up my college and leaving a good rent situation. I had nowhere to go so I ended up being room mates with my XH, and THAT did not work well.

 

The thing is I know logically what needs to be done, I can sit and reasont hrough it, but my heart screams at me for all the hurt I am going to put myself though. I love her like I've never loved before. I start to rationalize that the little pieces of hurt I experience are much better than this huge load i'm about to go through.

 

I'm so tired of feeling rejected when it gets shoved in my face that I'm not a priority, I'm on the list, but way down there. I'm so tired of feeling so lonely and missing her when i'm down or when i'm up. I had a family wedding this last weekend, and I thought of her when they were saying their vows. Hows it going to feel this time through the holidays to know she won't be with me? How is it going to feel next year when I graduate, to know that she can't stand up for me? When she graduates and I can't stand up for her? If something were to happen to one of my family members and she can't be there for me? Or something to hers and I can't be there for her?

 

She says she does everything she can to spend time with me, and I beleive her. It's just not enough, no matter how much I try to tell myself that it is.

 

IT's so incredible to be around her, even when we are just having lunch somewhere talking and laughing. Even when we are argueing I love her so freakin much.

 

How do you end something when you still care so much? I know this is going to hurt her too, and it pisses me off that it's STILL not enough for her to really want to be with me. But it also hurts me that it's going to hurt her.

 

It is just 7 weeks from 1 year. Do I really want to have a one year AFFAIR anniversary? No I don't.

 

So i'm off to write an email. And to keep myself accountable I will be posting here quite frequently.

[wildsoul]

Everything you say makes so much sense. Yes it's hard when your head is telling you what to do, but the emotions are not in agreement yet. Your feelings will catch up though after you heal. And later, you will look back and feel good about yourself for doing what is hard but necessary.

 

I am right there with you sister about looking ahead towards the holidays now. Sure as hell, I don't want to be some lonely wretch of an OW during that time. There is still months ahead for healing. Guaranteed you're gonna' feel better the more time that passes. Start now.

 

You'll feel worse before you feel better, but it's guaranteed that when you remove the built-in obstacles that come with the A (availability, being able to be social together, etc.) you'll find your sense of hope again.

 

One thought that got me through my decision to leave my xH (and that I'm again using now) is this: In order to have more in the long term, I need to be okay with less in the short term.

 

It will get better. Be strong.

[Agent_99]

Thank you WS. Last year she bent it all to spend holidays with me, but we can no longer openly be friends. The only holiday we didn't spend together was xmas, but even then we spent almost an hour on the phone, when her and her P got in an arguement and P went to bed.

 

I sent the email. She won't get it till later today or possibly even tomorrow, her son had a bad asthma attack and she left work early to take care of him. I know that NC isn't just going to happen, we both take time to process things, and we are both the person that the other turns to to process things. BUT I am going to stand my ground.

 

I have written myself a note to read while I am talking to her. One that reminds me of all the reasons why I can't go on.

 

And I am making plans with some friends to keep myself occupied. Luckily I normally live with my parents, this week I am house sitting for the honeymooners but i'll be home soon, and since my parents have health problems there is plenty to do there to keep me busy.

 

Right now I'm going to go out and take care of some errands. I'm pretty cried out at this point, so I think it's safe to go out in public for a bit. Then I'm going to make a few phone calls to some friends, hopefully I can line something up for Friday night so that when she tells me that she CAN see me I can tell her that I can't.

 

I don't know what it is that causes me to have such a hard time telling her no, but I don't think I've ever really told her 'no' before. I realize that I have trained myself to being accomadating to her schedule. Even when I lived over 6 hours away, my day was planned around when she had time to call me. :9

 

I'm sure I'll be back later.

 

99

[SnowWhite924]

I know how you feel. My 1 year A anniversary is next week and that's why I HAD to break if off (for good) before then. I didn't want to reach that mark either.

 

It's day 22 NC for me and today I'm just plain pissed he hasn't contacted me. Granted, I don't want to get back with him, but SH*#T! WTF!

He's doing me a favor and he doesn't know it.

 

Hang in there. The rollercoaster has just begun. Keep posting. It helps a lot!!

[Agent_99]

Snowwhite,

 

I'll be glad to celebrate 22 days. Right now I have to get through the weekend. We normally don't talk most of thursday, friday and saturdays anyway, since that is the time she spends with her family, except sometimes on friday night.

 

Which this friday was supposed to be one. We were going to cook diner and watch movies. but with her kid having a asthma attack, I knew that this would be out anyway, but she will still call me. Unless my email pisses her off, which with how much we have been argueing lately it might. She's going to see it as me trying to give her a wake up call that it's been too hard on me again lately. Because most times when it gets hard I try to break it off, but I've never done it by email. I've always done it in person. And it never lasted more than a day, except when I told her partner about us, that time it lasted 9 days. Well there was contact during that time a couple emails, and a couple text and phone calls. I didn't think she would want me back after betraying her trust in me, but by day 9 she wanted to talk about what happened instead of yelling at me on the phone. I stupidly thought my life had moved on enough that her and I could just be friends.

Maybe in a couple months we can at least hold a conversation, but I'm not so sure I can go back to 'just friends'. Her idea of just friends is the EA part of our affair and I can't do that.

 

I ran my errands, checking my FREAKING phone the whole time to see if somehow I had missed a call from her. I ended up laughing at myself, then bursting into tears when I got back to my car.

 

When I was at the store I thought of an action I can take soon to make a point to myself that it is over. It's kind of a private thing, but soon, before sunday I plan to go through with it. Make it a sort of letting go ceremony.

 

I also bought a few things to eat right on. In a bit i'm going to take a walk and make plans with friends for tomorrow night. Friends that know so that when she calls, I won't be tempted to answer.

 

Tonight I'm just staying in, and reading, bought myself some good chocolate and a bottle of wine. I don't drink that often anymore. But a bottle of wine is better than a bender at the bar. I'll most likely fall asleep halfway through.

 

~99

[astra77]

 

am I ready? NO. But I am hurting so badly. All we do the last week is argue,

 

I just can't handle it. I care about her so much and I know that right now she is having a load of home trouble, BUT it seems like she doesn't really even try to see me, we've went from meeting a couple times a week (at her request) to seeing each other once a week,

 

We had plans for tomorrow night, but now she is backing out of that.

 

On the other hand I'm fairly determined that it has to end. The rollercoaster is getting bigger again and I just can't go there again. It scares the #&** out of me.

 

The thing is I know logically what needs to be done, I can sit and reasont hrough it, but my heart screams at me for all the hurt I am going to put myself though. I love her like I've never loved before. I start to rationalize that the little pieces of hurt I experience are much better than this huge load i'm about to go through.

 

I'm so tired of feeling rejected when it gets shoved in my face that I'm not a priority, I'm on the list, but way down there.

 

How is it going to feel next year when I graduate, to know that she can't stand up for me? When she graduates and I can't stand up for her? If something were to happen to one of my family members and she can't be there for me? Or something to hers and I can't be there for her?

 

She says she does everything she can to spend time with me, and I beleive her. It's just not enough, no matter how much I try to tell myself that it is.

 

How do you end something when you still care so much? I know this is going to hurt her too, and it pisses me off that it's STILL not enough for her to really want to be with me. But it also hurts me that it's going to hurt her.

 

It is just 7 weeks from 1 year. Do I really want to have a one year AFFAIR anniversary? No I don't. quote]

 

Read what you wrote above huny, you know what you have to do - NC

 

Its hard babe - it sux the big one, but we are ALL here to catch you when you fall.

 

Keep posting

[Agent_99]

oh god i'm so weak. I had typed out a message to her telling her that I didn't mean what I said, that we just needed to talk and come up with a solution so that we could see each other more. That I could be patient while things settle down at home. blah blah freaking blah.

I made the quick decision to come on here before sending it.

 

Thank you Astra for reposting my own words for me to read. It was what I needed to delete my email and stay strong.

 

I guess I should have entitled this thread ending it, since I know that we aren't going NC, maybe soft contact for a while, then NC. I'm aware that her and I are going to talk about this. But in a time and place of my choosing so that I can be strong. Not one of 'our' places where we usually meet.

 

99

[wildsoul]

Whew. Close call!

 

Stalling is a good technique though. It's definitely helped me to call a friend or check LS as a delay tactic to keep from contacting him. Sometimes the urge passes that way.

 

This is progess you've made, and all you have to do is continue to "not call." One deciding moment at a time.

[jj33]

Good for you for not giving in. In the past when I tried to do NC I would write long emails etc only to delete them before sending them. As everyone is saying its one minute at a time. Each time you dont contact her it will get easier.

 

I keep reminding myself there is nothing new to say. There is nothing that hasnt already been said or that would make a difference now. The only thing that initiating contact would do is to put you back on the rollercoaster.

 

And with each passing day it does get easier. Hang in there. Someone once told me it takes 8 weeks to change a behavior (not sure why its 8 but apparently some psychologists say it is). And if you can get past that, other behaviors and thoughts will have filled the spaces that were once devoted to trying not to break NC.

[astra77]

oh god i'm so weak. I had typed out a message to her telling her that I didn't mean what I said, that we just needed to talk and come up with a solution so that we could see each other more. That I could be patient while things settle down at home. blah blah freaking blah.

I made the quick decision to come on here before sending it.

 

Thank you Astra for reposting my own words for me to read. It was what I needed to delete my email and stay strong.

 

I guess I should have entitled this thread ending it, since I know that we aren't going NC, maybe soft contact for a while, then NC. I'm aware that her and I are going to talk about this. But in a time and place of my choosing so that I can be strong. Not one of 'our' places where we usually meet.

 

99

 

If you need to take the softly softly approach, then do it, thats fine, but you need a STRICT time frame, two weeks at the most, you really cant afford to waste much more time than that.

 

I have said before, you WILL break NC, but once you have trodden on your own heart one too many times, you will realise enough is enough and go TOTAL NC.

 

You have taken a major step towards starting your recovery, the doctors and nurses in the LS house are here to help any wounded patients they come across. You will be fine huny

[Jumbo]

99 - Stick with the NC...it will shift the balance of power.

 

If you feel weak during NC read some posts and write. Do not waste anymore time as you do you could be walking by the one you should be with and we all deserve a 100% partner.

 

I wasted 7 years.....DON"T Go down that path.

 

Anther thing on the emails...if you write one to her, save it in draft am do not send it. When you read it the next day you will see that your thoughts will have changed....if she wanted to truly be with you she would.

 

Hang in there Pal....its gonna take time.

[aloneatnights]

its that phrase that helped me..' if they truely wanted to be with you, they would' i thought about that while in A and after and i still think about it. its so so true. nearly 6 wks NC for me, no contact either side. i think about him nearly all the time and it hurts but if he really wanted me............

 

and it hurts to think you would do anything for them too. positions changed i'd have bitten off my right arm and given it to him. oh well, that says more about him than me

[phoenixrising]

It's agonizing to go through so much pain, isn't it? But after 4 years I have no doubt that 'if they truly wanted to be with you, they would'.... that's why they keep after you! When you let them be with you part-time (physically OR emotionally), even though they are committed elsewhere, they figure they ARE with you! So why change the situation? The only way to get the question answered is through firm NC. If you work together and cannot have total NC set some rules, stick with them, and make a plan for the future that does not involve working with them in any capacity. I've been NC for about 6 weeks. It's still very difficult, but I'm understanding more and more that this is the only way off of Mr. Toad's wild ride.

[jj33]

"I've been NC for about 6 weeks. It's still very difficult, but I'm understanding more and more that this is the only way off of Mr. Toad's wild ride."

 

Phoenix you are so funny. You really make me laugh. And its so true.

[Agent_99]

If you need to take the softly softly approach, then do it, thats fine, but you need a STRICT time frame, two weeks at the most, you really cant afford to waste much more time than that.

 

I have said before, you WILL break NC, but once you have trodden on your own heart one too many times, you will realise enough is enough and go TOTAL NC.

 

You have taken a major step towards starting your recovery, the doctors and nurses in the LS house are here to help any wounded patients they come across. You will be fine huny

 

yes, a time limit to the soft NC is a good idea. To me soft NC means no alone time. just our regular talks on her lunch break. Well sort of. I plan to start walking right after I get off work, since her lunch break is then.

 

~99

[Agent_99]

99 - Stick with the NC...it will shift the balance of power.

 

If you feel weak during NC read some posts and write. Do not waste anymore time as you do you could be walking by the one you should be with and we all deserve a 100% partner.

 

I wasted 7 years.....DON"T Go down that path.

 

Anther thing on the emails...if you write one to her, save it in draft am do not send it. When you read it the next day you will see that your thoughts will have changed....if she wanted to truly be with you she would.

 

Hang in there Pal....its gonna take time.

 

Thanks for the idea on drafting the emails. I used to just write her letters and then read them if they seemed approriate after consideration. I think it is time that I pulled out all my old journals and read through them. They are such a HUGE reminder that it is always hard.

 

its that phrase that helped me..' if they truely wanted to be with you, they would' i thought about that while in A and after and i still think about it. its so so true. nearly 6 wks NC for me, no contact either side. i think about him nearly all the time and it hurts but if he really wanted me............

 

and it hurts to think you would do anything for them too. positions changed i'd have bitten off my right arm and given it to him. oh well, that says more about him than me

 

Anymore I'm pretty accepting that she won't leave her gf. That is part of why I am almost ready to completly end it. I think I empathize too much about her feeling stuck in her current relationship becasue I was there for so many years. Except I didn't cheat. Still I fantasized about leading whole other lives, and honestly my relationship wasn't as poor as hers is.

 

It's agonizing to go through so much pain, isn't it? But after 4 years I have no doubt that 'if they truly wanted to be with you, they would'.... that's why they keep after you! When you let them be with you part-time (physically OR emotionally), even though they are committed elsewhere, they figure they ARE with you! So why change the situation? The only way to get the question answered is through firm NC. If you work together and cannot have total NC set some rules, stick with them, and make a plan for the future that does not involve working with them in any capacity. I've been NC for about 6 weeks. It's still very difficult, but I'm understanding more and more that this is the only way off of Mr. Toad's wild ride.

 

This is what I am currently working on - rules. How do I want the game to be played right now? Until I can find another job and not have to have daily contact with her.

 

I'm just not masochistic enough to send her an email saying I never want to se you again, when I don't mean it, and then cut her out of my life.

 

But I also can't take too small of steps in this either.

 

 

~99

[jj33]

There is a truism. When you dont want to talk to someone you simply dont talk to them. You dont have to tell them. Its different in a relationship but you just had a talk and she knows you are unhappy with the situation and she has told you nothing is going to change on her end.

 

I was not been great at keeping my thoughts to myself when I was unhappy, but the dignified approach would be to simply pull back. You dont have to tell her anything. If she calls just say the arrangment is difficult for you right now and you cant see her. Or whatever is comfortable for you. I know its difficult when you arent ready to make the break but you dont have to lay down ultimatums. You just have to do what is right for you in your own time.

[Agent_99]

"you just have to do what is right for you in your own time."

 

That's just it. There are days where it is hard and I am hurting. Then there are many more days where i am fine. Since saturday I've been feeling pretty good. but we haven't gone NC completly. We have only been 'friends'. That is the foundation of our relationship. We've been friends for a very long time.

 

I'm not sure that NC is the way to go for us, at least not permanatly. But I also realize that it will take a LOT of work to reshape our relationship.

 

I do think that we need to take a break from talking to eachother for a while.

[Soaked]

Hello I'm new here but I have been reading this forum for sometimes...

I was OW for 6 years and just recently out of my relationship.. I'm bit afraid to count the days..I believe I am on NC for almost 2 months.

 

Of course there are/were a lot of thoughts/emotions going through... I think most of the time I was just trying to stay busy and not let him into my thoughts.. somehow today is tough... I almost want to write him an email to tell him I miss him.. so instated of doing that I figure to make my first post here. I think in a way when I said I miss him is more I miss to have that close connection with someone.. because for 6 years, he was my best friend, who I share all the little things with.. for all the sudden I don't have that connection with someone and I miss that..

 

And lately I can't stop to feel I wasted most my good years with him... to think about it.. 6 years.. I can probably find that someone to build a real relationship and maybe by now I would've my own family and have someone who I can really share my life with instated of someone who can't give me anything and now just left me with a wound that won't stop to bleed...

 

I know the NC time should be focus on myself..and to get myself back.. but sometimes when I knew he has moved on and I just can't stop wonder how can he moved on so easily? And sometimes make me realized those words he said to me have so little meaning...

 

I don't know.. it's been 2 moths.. and I'm still hurt.. and now I feel so alone..

 

I wonder if anyone who is going though NC is out of this dark spot? and how do you cope?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Hello I'm new here but I have been reading this forum for sometimes...

I was OW for 6 years and just recently out of my relationship.. I'm bit afraid to count the days..I believe I am on NC for almost 2 months.

 

Of course there are/were a lot of thoughts/emotions going through... I think most of the time I was just trying to stay busy and not let him into my thoughts.. somehow today is tough... I almost want to write him an email to tell him I miss him.. so instated of doing that I figure to make my first post here. I think in a way when I said I miss him is more I miss to have that close connection with someone.. because for 6 years, he was my best friend, who I share all the little things with.. for all the sudden I don't have that connection with someone and I miss that..

 

And lately I can't stop to feel I wasted most my good years with him... to think about it.. 6 years.. I can probably find that someone to build a real relationship and maybe by now I would've my own family and have someone who I can really share my life with instated of someone who can't give me anything and now just left me with a wound that won't stop to bleed...

 

I know the NC time should be focus on myself..and to get myself back.. but sometimes when I knew he has moved on and I just can't stop wonder how can he moved on so easily? And sometimes make me realized those words he said to me have so little meaning...

 

I don't know.. it's been 2 moths.. and I'm still hurt.. and now I feel so alone..

 

I wonder if anyone who is going though NC is out of this dark spot? and how do you cope?

 

 

Oh it must be really hard going NC after 6 years together...

 

Good you posted on here though instead of sending him that email!

 

Stop beating yourself up for wasting 6 years of your life - you cant change the past but you can make sure you have a great future. Now MM is out of your life things can only get better for you.

 

Just be thankful you realized this was not working for you when you did - this dead end situation could have gone on and on and on.

 

But now you are free to move on with your life & meet a lovely single guy when you feel ready to do so.

 

Onwards & forwards, sorry it hurts so much right now but the pain will lessen as each day goes by. I know its hard but try & stay NC as it will be better for you in the long run.

 

Post more on here, that really does help!

 

{{{{HUGS}}}}

[jj33]

Soaked I know its tough. I am just coming out of that dark spot. I found myself today writing him an email telling him about certain boundaries I wanted to keep (we are in touch for work) and I typed it and polished it and then realized it was a plea for attention. If he breaks my boundaries I will let him know at the time. At this point there is nothing to say. Its over.

 

I think what is toughest is that they are theoretically available in the same way they always were - they arent available but they can give the attention that they gave before even if we dont see them. And we miss the connection.

 

One thing that I think of when I get weak is WS's tagline i was an option not a priority. I want to be a priority. I want to be number 1 in someone's life. I dont want to share someone and be a secret and fall behind a whole long list of priorities.

 

You were together for 6 years. He has to know you miss him. But it wont change things. You dont say why the relationship ended but whatever the reason 2 months is a good amount of time it means he is serious about the NC and really he is doing you a great favor. It would be so much harder to move forward if you were in contact with him.

 

I just keep reminding myself that as hard as it is to accept, it wasnt meant to be or it wasnt meant to be right now. Either way hanging on is a slow painful boat to nowhere. Its like hanging onto the wind.

 

And looking back I was not happy with the limitations. It did bad things to my self esteem. Constantly accomodating to things that werent really right for me, making excuses for things that I should not have made excuses for.

 

If you look back was it the optimal relationship for you or were you accepting alot of things because those were the only terms on offer? I know for me he was a good match for me but the terms of the relationship were not good. If you can look back and honestly say that perhaps you accepted things that werent really making you happy that makes it easier. Because you learned things from the relationshp and you know more about what does and doesnt work for you in the next one. And you arent looking back focusing on how perfect it was.

 

You were together for 6 years. I sometimes feel like I wasted 2 years of my life. And I think that is part of what keeps us stuck. Its hard to accept that we made a big mistake. But we are human and humans make mistakes.

 

You have to forgive yourself and begin to build faith in your future. Once you have faith in your future, looking back on the past, it will not have such a hold on you.

 

I know its difficult. But you will get through this and come out the other side even stronger.

 

Take good care

[Soaked]

thank you xxxheartbrokenxxx... i really need that hugs this evening..

 

and jj33 you are right.. i was acepting alot of things because those were the only terms on offer. and one of the reason I ended the relationship was because I'm tired of making excuse for him and wasn't the number 1 in his life.

 

and I know for him not to contact me is give me a chance to have my own life and a chance to have a future with someone...

 

Thank you ladies.. your kind words really help me to keep my chin up this evening. and jj33 to build faith in my future is something I really struggling with.. I am hopeful that leaving this relationship behind is the best thing for me... but I think I have lost myself for so long now I just don't know how to be on my own right now.... but I am working on it.. :-)

[phoenixrising]

For Soaked...

 

It's been 2 months for me, after ending a 4-year relationship. I feel deeply for what you are going through - it's very difficult, emotionally painful. BUT as many LSers have said, it's the only way to move forward if you want more than a part-time relationship in position #2...

 

I'm working now on trying to realize that I made the decision to be with him because my instincts told me he was the one... and I waited for the change he said could take place in the near future. But really - we have to make decisions based on what is the situation right now, because that is the reality. And right now, they are married. Right now, we are not the priority woman in their lives. Right now, we need to decide whether this is what we want... and right now, it is not. So we have made the decision that is best for us now. And we have to do that every single day until it begins to fade. After 4 years, and 6 years, it will take awhile, unfortunately.

 

Stay posting... it has been very helpful during my weak moments. The feelings go up and down and up and down. I think it's best they don't see us - even through e-mail - when we are down. Let them go to make their own decisions. If they want to make us a priority, they will find a way. And the only way for them to know is to not have us in their lives. But we have to make this NC decision for US, to give us our lives back, not to see what they will do. Keep that in your mind always.

 

It's so hard, but so necessary for our own health.

[jj33]

99 You probably would benefit greatly from a break. I know it gave me a new lease on life. Its very hard to be a good friend to someone or to appreciate their friendship when you have other feelings simmering below the surface.

 

It also sounds like she is confused at best or at worst taking advantage of your feelings and taking what she needs from the relationship. Either way it doesnt matter what matters is that you get the healing that you need so you can move forward and be in a relationshp with someone who is available to you full time.

 

During NC I realized that the reasons dont matter. They would matter if you were trying to fix your relationship but you arent you are moving away from the triangle.

 

So the only thing that matters is that you feel good about yourself. Whenever we end a relationship there is grieving. Even more so when it feels like the other person loved you and could have chosen to be with you if they wanted to. But really most all situatons are that way. Somehow things get more twisted in an A. I havent really figured out why. I suppose its because in normal break ups the other person doesnt continue to let you know that they have feelings for you.

 

The other conclusoin that I came to that might work for you is that laying down rules isnt necessary. When things come up, just say please dont do that or no I cant see you at this time. I had to stop myself from sending him what was essentially a concise manual on how we should behave with one another. Not necessary at all. People used to tell me just assume he wont contact you and I couldnt because he always does. But what I can do is act differently when we do speak and not respond in the way that i used to. Keep it all business.

 

You are doing well and NC doesnt have to be forever. It can be for as long as you need it to be. When you feel that the hurt is behind you, you may find that you can enjoy the friendship again.

 

I know its not easy in the interim. Missing the person who was your best friend is very difficult.

 

Big hugs

[Soaked]

For Soaked...

 

It's been 2 months for me, after ending a 4-year relationship. I feel deeply for what you are going through - it's very difficult, emotionally painful. BUT as many LSers have said, it's the only way to move forward if you want more than a part-time relationship in position #2...

 

I'm working now on trying to realize that I made the decision to be with him because my instincts told me he was the one... and I waited for the change he said could take place in the near future. But really - we have to make decisions based on what is the situation right now, because that is the reality. And right now, they are married. Right now, we are not the priority woman in their lives. Right now, we need to decide whether this is what we want... and right now, it is not. So we have made the decision that is best for us now. And we have to do that every single day until it begins to fade. After 4 years, and 6 years, it will take awhile, unfortunately.

 

Stay posting... it has been very helpful during my weak moments. The feelings go up and down and up and down. I think it's best they don't see us - even through e-mail - when we are down. Let them go to make their own decisions. If they want to make us a priority, they will find a way. And the only way for them to know is to not have us in their lives. But we have to make this NC decision for US, to give us our lives back, not to see what they will do. Keep that in your mind always.

 

It's so hard, but so necessary for our own health.

 

Thank you phoenixrising.. a lot of point you posted is/was how i feel. like how I felt he was the one..and have been waiting for him to make the change like what he said..

 

But honestly in the end of our relationship I don't even think I'm the 2nd best.. God know whatever the number I really am in his priority? Simply because he said one thing but doing another...

 

And the other thing you point out I felt deeply was doesn't matter what he said or if things were "good".. the cold hard truth was as long as he was putting me in that 3rd wheel position, he is not choosing me.. it hurts me so badly when I'm with him.. and even now.

 

Right now I just got so many ups and downs.. sometimes like today I feel fine to be by myself.. but somehow yesterday I just felt so down. I think I was finally facing myself and facing that he didn't choose me.. even though I know that deep down but just holding a little tiny hope inside...

 

And I know for sure I won't contact him, because if I do, I won't be able to forgive myself by doing so.. also that's the last little pride I have left after this very traumatizing relationship..

 

I do want to move froward, with him there is no future and endless heart breaks. .. at least now I can have a chance.

 

Once again thank you ladies for your words.. I feel I need to talk to someone sometimes but doesn't know who I can talk to.. and to read your words really help.

 

oh.. and one little advice for people who are thinking about doing NC or in the beginning of the NC, DON'T answer his call or email.. he may come back to say all the words you want to hear but really it will only cause more damage on your own. I know that from my own lesson.