Ironlady Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Me and my husband just got married about a yr ago. We had been dating for almost 8 yrs before we got married. He was a very hardworking student when we were both in Uni and suddenly when we got married, he became a different person. For starters, he doesnt go to work and spends all his time at home reading, eating.watching the telly and sleeping. I tried very hard to be understanding that he might not have found something he enjoyed doing. However i am beginning to feel really frustrated because aside frm not working, i realised that he just ABSOLUTELY doesnt want to do anything. Everyday when i get home from work, i need to sort out the washing and cooking...thankfully we have no kids and as much as he is lazy, he doesnt make a mess so i have been able to manage whatever needs to be done at home. However i realise that he tries to delegate everything to me such as planning our family outing with his parents or my parents, going on holidays. Whenever i talk about it with him about doing it, he takes a long time to do it and nothing materializes. We are in our mid thirties and i am hoping to have a baby but i am terrified of having to look after another baby in addition to my husband who needs everything done for him. This has affected our sex life very badly because i am fearful of being pregnant and yet yearn for a baby at the same time. I am going crazy thinking about it. I know the best thing to do is to talk with him but everytime i raise the subject of him not doing anything , i get comments like i am not being a supportive wife and as far as he is concern there is no issues having a baby ( i guess because he will just continue to do nothing) while i drive myself nuts. Any advice ?
soserious1 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Did you ever consider the thought that his inactivity is caused by the fact that there's only one of you who "really wants a baby" and it isn't him? I can't advise you about the rest of this but can tell you that bringing a baby into the mix won't help things at this point.
Author Ironlady Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 Did you ever consider the thought that his inactivity is caused by the fact that there's only one of you who "really wants a baby" and it isn't him? I can't advise you about the rest of this but can tell you that bringing a baby into the mix won't help things at this point. I agree that having a baby will only aggravate things. I would actually rather he told me verbally that he didnt want a baby at least then i could see that it is motivation from my end and he isnt really keen therefore maybe we shouldn't. But he doesnt actually say that infact he tells me sometimes he doesnt mind having a baby around. I am at a lost end here...sometimes i feel like just doing nothing and watch the house crumble..maybe that'll wake him up a little a steer some activity into him
lovestruck818 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 OP, wow your situation is almost exactly like mine- except I'm not married and we don't live together. My boyfriend used to be a hard-working, well-respected lawyer...or at least that's what they tell me...but then he started slacking off, coming in late, wearing whatever he wanted, leaving early, taking 2-3 hour lunch breaks...to the point of leading to his firing. He has been unemployed and enjoyed it so much to the point where he thinks he wants to be a stay-at-home-dad one day (although he doesn't ever want to have kids or get married anyway). Well, though loving being unemployed, his parents have really been on his @$$ about finding employment so he is going to open a racing auto shop, never having ran a business in his life, nor is there a market for car racing where we live (almost comparable to opening a ski shop in Hawaii). Working in general makes his miserable and if he could have his way he would just stay home and be lazy 24/7. He also expects me to plan everything. I am trying to plan a trip for us ffor our one-year and he wants nothing to do with it. "You pick where we go, as long as there is a racetrack, and then you can pay for it since I don't even want to go anywhere anyway." Even getting him to leave his house is a struggle. Believe me, OP, I hear you...and as much as it sucks, you can't really change him. Men NEED women, women WANT men- that's the difference.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 He sounds depressed to me. Depression can really sap motivation, and unfortunately you can't snap him out of it. Express your concern to him and ask him to get help, whether that means therapy or medication. Some people respond to therapy, but others don't have the right firings in the head and need medication.
lovestruck818 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 He sounds depressed to me. Depression can really sap motivation, and unfortunately you can't snap him out of it. Express your concern to him and ask him to get help, whether that means therapy or medication. Some people respond to therapy, but others don't have the right firings in the head and need medication. actually, yes- b/c my boyfriend takes depression meds...
almost famous Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 It almost seems like he married you so he could live the lifestyle of sitting on his a** while you do everything. What I would do is don't bring up the baby thing, but go ahead and get pregnant, then leave him. You need to have a baby soon while you are young enough. Plenty of wonderful single moms, if you want to be a mom, do it and leave him in the dust. PLENTY, and I mean TONS of women remarry when they have a child as do men, you won't have a problem finding another man to find real love with for you and your lovely child.
Woggle Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 It almost seems like he married you so he could live the lifestyle of sitting on his a** while you do everything. What I would do is don't bring up the baby thing, but go ahead and get pregnant, then leave him. You need to have a baby soon while you are young enough. Plenty of wonderful single moms, if you want to be a mom, do it and leave him in the dust. PLENTY, and I mean TONS of women remarry when they have a child as do men, you won't have a problem finding another man to find real love with for you and your lovely child. This is horrible advice. Not saying don't leave him but he will still be that child's father and why would she want to inflict that on him or her?
almost famous Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 Well, she is in her mid 30's and I don't think it is pain, it is love, she wants a child to make her fulfilled. It doesn't sound like this guy will be a part of the kid's life, she can just divorce him and leave him sitting on the couch that he loves while she moves on with her life with her new child and meets a wonderful man. She doesn't have a lot of time here,she has wasted it with this loser.
RecordProducer Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 If it weren't sad, it would've been humorous. A young, educated person who doesn't want to do anything and wants his wife to support him. How is that for being "supportive"? Our society still doesn't approve of men who don't work unless both parties feel comfortable with it. But you don't and he does. That's the problem. The good news is: the cards are in your hands - close the "tap" and he'll have to find employment. But first talk to him, then warn him with actions, not words. He will regret wasting the best years of his life, when he can be professionally at his best, cerebrally and ambition-wise. I agree with Woggle, the man will still be the father, so why dump him and deprive the child from his presence? If she won't have any problem finding a man who will love her (for some reason, the majority of us DO have that problem, but I guess this woman sounds too lucky?), then why not have a child with the man waiting around the corner to marry her? I think being a single mom is not a problem nowadays, but is certainly not something that should be recommended as a wise move. Not being married and deciding to give birth because the bio clock is ticking is great, but advising someone to have a baby and then dump the father is far from reasonable, IMO.
Author Ironlady Posted August 24, 2008 Author Posted August 24, 2008 Thanks for the advice but yeah i dont think i'd consider divorce yet. I'd like to know that i've tried everything i can to make this work for us. I do want to have a baby but not enough to leave him. In other words, i'd rather be childless ( at this stage ) than to leave. I feel i have put alot in this marraige and i guess i am just disappointed that i'm having to do all the work or at least i think i am doing all the work.
Lizzie60 Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 Hum... if it's not depression.. then you need to leave him... I doubt he will change... he takes you for granted and knows you will take charge of everything. You WILL be the only one working to make this miserable marriage works. If I were you, I would make sure that it's not 'physical' or 'mental' then if he's OK (medically).. I would give him an ultimatum.. and if that doesn't work.. nothing will.. I would kick him out.
RecordProducer Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 then you need to leave him... I would kick him out.Oh, come on, Lizzie, of all people, I wouldn't expect this judgmentalism from you. I always loved your open-mindedness. Recommending divorce is completely out of place: there is no abuse or infidelity or lack of love/respect in this relationship. Besides, we shouldn't have double standards; we don't judge women who don't work so let's not be sexists. It's not like he cheated or beat her or treated her like a slave. He is just a "househusband" in a "housewife's society." One may wonder why the word househusband doesn't even exist and the word housewife is becoming extinct. He might turn out to be a good stay-at-home daddy, who knows? Maybe he doesn't know what to do with his life professionaly yet. I think she should approach him with understanding at first and try to figure out what would work best for him. Perhaps he could do some flexible hours or work from home until he gets rid of his fear of work. My first husband told me he'd gladly stay at home and take care of the kids if I made enough money for all of us (and he meant it).
Lizzie60 Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Oh, come on, Lizzie, of all people, I wouldn't expect this judgmentalism from you. I always loved your open-mindedness. Recommending divorce is completely out of place: there is no abuse or infidelity or lack of love/respect in this relationship. Besides, we shouldn't have double standards; we don't judge women who don't work so let's not be sexists. It's not like he cheated or beat her or treated her like a slave. He is just a "househusband" in a "housewife's society." One may wonder why the word househusband doesn't even exist and the word housewife is becoming extinct. He might turn out to be a good stay-at-home daddy, who knows? Maybe he doesn't know what to do with his life professionaly yet. I think she should approach him with understanding at first and try to figure out what would work best for him. Perhaps he could do some flexible hours or work from home until he gets rid of his fear of work. My first husband told me he'd gladly stay at home and take care of the kids if I made enough money for all of us (and he meant it). I would agree, if in fact, he would assume his role of SAHD.. but he doesn't want kids.. OR he's not even lifting his little finger to help in the house.. so nah... I stand by my post.. I would kick him out.. I have nothing against men staying at home and doing the SAHM's job... but not if they are just being parasites..
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