Mustain2234 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Hello members of the Loveshack Community. It seems I was punished by the internet gods, as an hour long post I had completed previous to this one mysteriously disappeared when I attempted to post it. This one will be noticeably shorter in length. Here is the story: I'm 23, she's 21. We met last October at a friends party. It wasn't something I'd say mirrored instant attraction, but after talking casually in the weeks thereafter it seemed clear we liked each other. Through November we'd see each other on weekends; typically alternating time between her friends and mine. Everything appeared to be going well, and it was inevitable we'd begin dating. Late November one evening we're talking and the discussion of New Years comes up. She throws at this statement: "maybe by New Years we'll be dating." We had already kissed on a few occasions prior to this. From this moment onwards everything progressed quickly. By mid December we were dating, officially. Here comes Christmas. We've been dating for a week. Several days prior I decided to purchase her a small gift (I had been torn on what to do), and she seemed appreciative. It wasn't too expensive ($30), but just a small gesture with an accompanying card. My first clue of something strange was that she didn't even consider buying me a gift. However, I brushed it off because we just began dating about a week prior. Now is New Years. During our, at the time, two week relationship there wasn't anything sexually -- aside from second base action. My reasoning was, first, I didn't want to move too quickly; and second, I thought New Years would be an appropriate time to take the next step. Well, she's drunk immediately from the moment I enter the New Years party. Since I'm not interested in rape, there wasn't much I could do. Again, I'm not thinking anything of it. They'll be plenty of time. Day after New Years she isn't answering my phone calls or texts. I'm thinking, what the hell; was she upset with something I did at New Years? Something didn't seem right. Well, one day turns into two and now I'm convinced she's pissed at me. January 3, and I receive the dreaded phone call detailing the breakup. She had been feeling, for several days, a "panic attack at the thought of a relationship." I couldn't believe it. She first proposed the idea of us dating! What killed me the most is everything I thought we had together was obviously an act. New Years was just for my benefit, it seemed. I couldn't get past how out of nowehere this came. Two fricken weeks dating?! I thought everything was fine. When we were out together everything seemed great. She said to me everything you'd expect from someone -- "Let's be friends; I just can't be in a relationship right now." My first reaction was asking if it had anything to do with me. She said it didn't. Not that I believed it. Additionally, I said if there was another guy involved just to tell me. She said there wasn't. A clue of her intentions rested on this phrase -- "you can go date other girls." She obviously didn't want me waitng for her. At the beginning, it was difficult. I couldn't stop thinking about her. However, I didn't contact her. Certaintly didn't bother hanging around any of the places I was certain she'd be. I didn't have these forums to help guide me, but I had several principles: - Limit contact - Don't try to win her back with anything. Obviously, if she felt a breakup was necessary playing tricks or games won't solve anything. If the problem rests in her head, she'll have to figure it out. - Move on (the possibility is maybe we'll never get back together Over the proceeding months, through June, we'd text frequently (~several times a week), talk infrequently (~several times a month), and hang out together maybe once every two months. It's as if we're friends, but not enough to where we could just spend time together without the other party thinking more of it. I don't mind it. It's not as if exchanging texts or phone calls takes up much of my day. I've come to realize if anything happens, it rests entirely on her shoulders. Late June, her birthday is at a bar. I attend (and I'm sure this is something all of you would have objected to), and happen to run into her older siter. Several year difference between herself and me. I never actually met her because of the duration of our relationship. She tells me, surprisingly, that her sister really liked me. A lot. More than any other boyfriend prior. The irony being it was, by far, the shortest relationship she had been in. After she broke up with me, according to her sister, she was a wreck for several weeks. It really changed my perception of everything. Here I was just thinking she didn't like me, and perhaps her friends wanted us together more than she did, and I'm struck with this information. Yes, it could be a lie; but I doubt it. Not the type of lie someone would tell a complete stranger. She soon asked me if I still like her sister, and I reply "Yes; but I don't believe she wants to be in a relationship now. I like to believe we have a future together, but if we don't I still want her in my life." Her sister nearly melted. As if it was the perfect thing to say. I was careful about what I said, because I knew she'd likely tell her sister. Several days later, after thanking me for attending the party, she says her sister told her everything we said. There was almost a tint of anticipation to her voice. I always try to put myself in the mind of others -- if my sister had told me everything an ex had said, would I even mention it if there wasn't something still between us? Probably not. Sometimes, I wonder if there had been anything sexually between us whether this would have been different. If she REALLY wanted me, she could have easily waited a week to break it off. No way I wouldn't have pushed myself on her after new years. There have been several occasions where I'm convinced she wants to **** me. Such as suggesting for me to "come over." These have been seldom, though. What has helped me here is I've learned from experience that ****buddies NEVER work for friendships. Never. You further a relationship with sexual contact, but nothing can come out of it between friends. It creates awkwardness and often one party feeling regretful/used. My belief if she wants to release her sexual frustration, find some guy. Even though I don't believe she's that type of girl. I haven't had a problem finding women. Several questions: - Do you believe the length of our relationship (~2 weeks) effects anything? Sometimes I'm torn when I reflect on this. On one hand, it may indicate she never like me in the first place; another says, perhaps she thought she was ready for a relationship and had a change of mind. If she were dating other guys now I'd say she moved on. But, as far as I know (and admittingly I don't know everything) she hasn't been dating anyone else. - Let's say tomorrow she wanted to get back together -- anyone aside myself believe it'd be wise to let her wait? What I feel is, it's pathetic to just let her back in immediately. We'd have to work at it. -Any other comments/idea/suggestions are appreciated. Within the last week it's as if she's launching a subtle campaign to either convince me she wants to be just friends, or perhaps suggest something else. Several weekends ago, I ran into her for the first time in over a month and she drove me home. I was rather drunk. While laying down on the front seat, she was stroking my hair. If this is a frienship ploy, I must be very misinformed of what friends do to each other More recently, she asked me several days ago, within a texting conversation, if I'd be interested in helping her babysit her two nieces? WTF?!
Author Mustain2234 Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 Dammit. Sorry for the newb mistake. If any moderator would be willing to move this to the Second Change forum I'd appreciate it.
4dviceJunki3 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Well that's a heck of a story. Can I tell you something? Me and you need to go out for a drink because let me tell you brother, if you read post I did a few days ago, I went through a very similar situation like this that made me get reacquanted with the little butterflies in my stomach I hadn't seen in a while. I'm 23 myself, turning 24 in 5 days but that's besides the fact. I met this amazing girl about a month ago and we hit it off great. Great thing was I didn't even meet her at a party, club, or bar but a mutual friend set us up. She had no intentions of getting into a relationship with me or dating (before she met me) but she told me once she met me, she was so amazed as to how great of a person I was that she considered it. You have to understand that in the beginning when you meet someone, just because you guys have chemistry and/or find interest in one another, that you're not dating; you're just in the talking stage; a lot of people make this mistake and start letting their emotions go towards the person right in the very beginning. Anyways, to continue my story, everything was great with this girl. Every single time we went out, our interests towards one another grew and we both felt that. We had many 4-5 hr conversations about relationships and how we're both ready for serious relationships and what not. We kissed and went to second base just like you which I didn't think anything of. Out of no where, I found out that she's also dating someone else. Someone she had met way before met. Mind you that this girl had broken up with her ex for about a year now but still had minor feelings for him. Once I found this out, I confronted her about it and she told me that there was no one else in her life. The messed up part about this was that I KNEW she was lying right to my face. But it made me wonder -- "Is she lying to me because she doesn't want to lose me?" It seriously burned me up inside because I really wanted to be with her and seriously saw something in her that I had never seen before in any girl I had met in my life. We finally had a talk about taking a step back and she told me that she wanted to get over her feelings for her ex before moving onto a relationship. Well, she had lied to me again because there was someone else involved in her life; her ex wasn't the case. Things began to go sour between us, despite all the text msgs she sent me apologizing and trying to make me feel better. She had ignored a lot of my text msgs and phone calls. I decided to play the NC card so recently I told her that I knew someone else was involved in her life and she finally came to tell me all about it and I stopped and told her that I didn't even want to be friends with her because after all I did for her in one month of knowing her, and trust me it was A LOT, I cant believe she felt that I deserved to be lied to. I cut all contact and haven't spoken to her ever since and you know what? I feel really great about it! In your case, just moved passed it. There is a famous saying and I'm not sure exactly how it goes but something along the lines of "Don't look back in your past for you may trip and miss your future". Stick to this and move on. You'll find someone better who won't play mind games and who will appreciate you for who you are. Someone who will give you their time of day as you will to them. Good luck with everything! =)
nopainnogain Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 You just met her in october and you wrote all that I dont know,I was in a R for 6 years but that didnt matter. She was a "what have you done for me lately " type I wanted to say beotch,Ive been workin my A$$ off to put the bread on the table and pay your manis and pedis
4dviceJunki3 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Everyone is different when it comes to relationships. Since we all run on our own biological clock, duration in relationships and how one feels towards another will absolutely differ from one person to another.
Author Mustain2234 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 It's just tough to forget about her because she didn't dump me for another guy. She didn't dump me because she wasn't attracted to me. We didn't have any other issues which may have necessitated a breakup. Our chemistry was great. I do agree the mind games are unnecessary. Although, even with that, I've still been on dates since January. The thought of "oh, I should wait for her" hasn't crossed my mind. I may be naive, but is it unreasonable to believe a 21 year may have thought she regretted her decision to be in a relationship? We were dating only two weeks. People date and break up for dumber reasons. And, again, if she liked me the most of all her boyfriends in the past why was ours the shortest? It leads me to believe if the moment ever arrives when she's interested in pursuing a relationship, and I'm still single, we can work it out.
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