Ursula Coyote Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 I don’t know if it’s appropriate for me to be p.o’d or not, but at this point I can’t help it. My best friend is getting married and her mother in law is putting pressure on her to put pressure on me to do certain things. I will be the maid of honour at the wedding and will be the only one standing for my best friend. I have had two weddings to go to this summer, one for my brother the other for my best friend. I bought a gorgeous dress that I wore to my brothers wedding that my best friend also attended. She liked the dress so I suggested I could wear it to her wedding as well if I could not find another one that was just as nice. I made it clear that I was going to look for another one, but the weddings are very close together. She had no problem with it since she and I were the only ones to see the dress I was wearing. Unfortunately she told her fiancé and his mother-in-law and they did not like the idea at all and put pressure on her to get me to get a new dress. This pisses me off for a few reasons, one being that my best friend is very easy going and didn’t care if it was the same dress to two weddings, and two that the fiancé and mother-in-law did not have the guts to speak with me personally. I find this attitude toward material things shallow and I find what they are doing inconsiderate. Am I being overly sensitive? I did end up buying another dress, but the whole event has been overshadowed by the pressure I felt to live up to someone else’s expectations. [FONT="]Urban Coyote [/FONT]
Ronni_W Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Actually, I think the future groom and mother-in-law acted appropriately in having the bride deal with her maid of honour's wardrobe issues. I do understand the expense and probably that was a consideration for your best friend, too, when she agreed about wearing the same dress. BUT. As a bride, I would secretly be really hoping that EVERYthing about my wedding is unique and special to 'my' day. The groom apparently also wants that for himself, and MiL is wanting that for her son and future daughter (in-law.) I don't see it as inconsiderate or an inappropriate focus on "material things", in this case. Hopefully it will not be a lasting issue of resentment for you, and the day will just have happy and positive vibes for all in attendance.
Author Ursula Coyote Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 I see your point, but in some ways I find it really stupid for people to get all "it has to be new/unique/and heaven forbid it was ever worn in the past" attitude people have about weddings. I find the mother-in-law and groom are also very anal about material things in general. To have their approval it has to be expensive.....anything from Wal Mart and they turn their noses up at it. My best friend has always been very easy going and I see her caving into the pressure they put on her to 'wear what we want', 'buy what we want' etc. I do not like it when they in turn get her to put pressure on me to do the same. It reminds me of a junior high school attitude more so that that of adults. Part of the issue is also that I did have every intention of searching for another dress, and for me it ruined the whole process for my best friend to suddenly start putting this pressure on me and change her attitude about the whole process that we had discussed at length. Personally, if I ever get married, I wouldn't give a rats arse if she wore her pj's, I'd be happy if she was happy. Anyway, I'm more blowing off steam at this point than anything else. Here's a kicker though. She wants me to come down and model both dresses to the groom so they can decide which one they like best. Urban Coyote
Author Ursula Coyote Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 Actually, I think after thinking about it a bit more, I think my biggest worry is that my best friend isn't doing what she wants, but what the groom and the mother-in-law want. I see them pressuring her to do what they want, and I worry that she isn't showing enough conviction in what SHE wants. As I mentioned she's very easy going and often will bend to what others want instead of what she really wants. I don't want her to loose herself by marrying this guy. I've seen her make a lot of sacrifices for him, but so far the only thing I've seen him sacrifice for her is the wedding ring. It's worrying me.... Also, sorry about the spelling errors before, I was so cranky I didn't look. Urban Coyote
Stung Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 i understand both your specific annoyance about the dress, and your concerns about your friends' wedding, but...not a whole hell of a lot you can do at this point. personally as the bride i would have been fine with you wearing a 'recycled' dress as long as it looked nice on you and you were happy with it, but then i am currently planning on wearing jeans at my own beach-elopement wedding and dressing my stepdaughter in a white flowered dress from target because i just hate the weird starchy frilly mini-bride dresses most children wear in weddings . other people's values are different, though, and that must be respected. i might not get to do the barefoot-in-jeans thing myself as my prospective groom actually likes a little pomp and circumstance once in a while, and while it's anathema to me, i think it's important that we start out our official family life on a compromise. i might even wear a dress (!), but i draw the line at having more than 30 guests, having some six-tiered monstrosity of a cake when the only cake i even like at all is cheesecake, or having to be in a church. anyway, maybe your friend is merely trying to do the same, reach compromises with the man she's sharing this big day and the rest of her life with, and you are only seeing one side of the equation. on the other hand, maybe her fiance truly is rigid and/or controlling...she will not be likely to appreciate your pointing that out as a member of her wedding party on the virtual eve of her wedding, and it might lead to some awkwardness between you in the future. love is blind, and all that. i'm not saying it's impossible to broach the subject, but you need loads of tact and delicacy, here, to prevent her from getting too defensive. i would try to take her aside once before the wedding, a girls' night or just a girls' lunch, whatever she has time for, and just ask how she is doing. ask about the stress she is probably under with all the wedding mumbo-jumbo going on, how she's holding up and how she feels about everything, and then just gently remind her that you are there to talk about anything and everything with her. take it from there if she starts to bring up any disquiet about her relationship dynamics and let her know it's okay to have doubts if she has them or even to walk away if she needs to, but don't lead her to any conclusions and don't pressure her in any way, and definitely don't make it about you not liking the man she plans to marry. one of my best friends got married a couple years ago, and i was her maid of honor at a time when i had incurred the expenses of moving across state lines and was not yet re-employed. i paid for my dress, my shoes, a matching purse and shawl; i paid for her rather luxurious bachelorette night and for the participation of her other friends, and my partner paid for three nights in a hotel for us and his kid so i could go up early and help her with the flowers, etc. she and her family were being very difficult and prickly and making weird decisions and i got kind of resentful of some of the pressure and expense, but i kept my mouth shut because i knew a lot of the weirdness going on was just due to the stress of the event which was making all of us, myself included, more high-strung than usual. lo and behold, the second she got back from her honeymoon and she was totally back to normal and enormously grateful to me for all my support and understanding. now she is throwing me a kick-ass baby shower. anyway, could it be that you're a little stressed out too and being more sensitive than usual?
quankanne Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 frankly, it's none of their damned business. As long as the bride is okay with the idea, then that should be that. i've only ever stood in one wedding (my best friend from high school), and she met me at Dillards, said here are the dresses, pick the style you like. Because SHE stood in about 10 different weddings and got stuck with suck-*ss bridesmaid dresses she never wore before and swore she'd never do that to her own bridesmaids! The nice thing was that the dress was more of a dressy outfit that worked for church or a nicer social event, so I wore it to my SiL's wedding three months later. as for you, OP, I think I'd tell her groom and his mama that you're hanging on to the receipt, as you expect for THEM to fully reimburse this unexpected purchase made after you and the bride had already agreed upon what she was okay with you wearing. I know it's mean and it might hurt her feelings, but the decision should be up to her, not them. As long as SHE was comfortable with what you were wearing, that's all that matters! just my two cents, grrr!
Stung Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 whether or not to confront them about the cost of the 2nd dress after the 1st was already agreed on is your call. i have stood in four weddings, and experienced many different bridal approaches to the wedding-party attire, all of which were considered socially acceptable. at times i have gotten inwardly-pissy about the expenses but then i knew they were coming when i agreed to be in the wedding; after all, i did have the option to abstain. i suck up a lot for my friends' happy days but when a close friend of almost 20 years got married in italy and asked me to be a bridesmaid, i had to say no, because i had just purchased a townhouse and couldn't afford the trip. she understood completely. that being said, i think that if they made you buy the 2nd dress, then model both for them, and they end up having you wear the one you already had in the first place...yeah, i would probably ask them to reimburse me for the 2nd one, if i couldn't return it.
RecordProducer Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 We should only have such problems. Didn't you get a new dress for free? Speaking of shallow, I think realistically, the whole wedding fuss is shallow. The merchants invented all the holidays and celebrations so they can make money, and people accepted them as a tradition. With our recently developed tradition of divorce, people should make a "wedding reception" after 2-3 years. They might also publish a book to spread the secret of staying together for so long.
Author Ursula Coyote Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 Thanks for all the perspectives on this. I did take her aside and tell her that I'm a tad worried that she is sacrificing a lot for little of the same in return and that I just want to see her happy. I also told her I'd always be there for her no matter what. Getting a second dress is not the crux of the matter for me, the matter is the attitude of the groom and mother-in-law and having pressure put on me. I HATE that. I had already told my best friend that I was going to search for a new dress. Only if I could not find one better than the one I already had would I wear the other one again. I really did not need someone I hardly know poking their noses into the situation. Although I agree that since the groom and mother-in-law put the pressure on to get the second dress, I did not want them to pay for it as I didn't want them to think they had ANY say in the matter of what the dress looked like. Trust me, I didn't care how much the ooohhhhed and awwwwed at the different dresses I tried on, I was not wearing one I did not like....period. I quite frankly told them to put one toothpaste colored dress back as I was not even going to try it on. I care very very much for my best friend, and I told her what I thought and how I felt, and that is now the end of it. I will not bring it up again with her unless she broaches the subject herself. I'll just vent ans steam here instead Urban Coyote
whichwayisup Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 To be honest, I'm absolutely shocked that her soon to be husband even bothered to get involved, let alone tell his mom about this. It really shouldn't matter to them WHAT dress you wear, unless there are bridesmaids, then I could see the MIL wanting to be involved in that process. Either way, I'm glad it got sorted out.. It's probably best not to bring it up and if she wants to talk about it, then tell her it doesn't matter. At the end of the day what matters is being there with your BF, and being a part of their wedding.
Stung Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 WWIU, you've got me a little confused. is it considered proper etiquette for the MIL to have a say in the bridesmaids attire, but not that of the maid of honor? anyway, urban coyote, i do think the MIL and groom came off as kind of pushy, demanding, and materialistic here, and they clearly rubbed you the wrong way, but really if this one incident is all you have to base your concerns on, i'd say going overboard with criticism is unwarranted. maybe they are from a superstitious background and the thought of a 'recycled' dress fills them with dismay, i mean, really, who the hell knows. people get all kinds of weird symbolic thinking going on around weddings. i have watched the most laid-back, rational people in the world turn into tooth-gnashing monsters over their weddings (which is exactly why i would personally prefer to elope). anyway, this was your friend's choice, both wedding style and husband, and presumably she's a grown woman. it sounds like it's already handled, though, so...cheers, i guess. i hope your friend's wedding is lovely, drama-free, and what both she and her new husband want it to be, and i hope you look smokin' hot in your dress (whichever one you end up in).
whichwayisup Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 WWIU, you've got me a little confused. is it considered proper etiquette for the MIL to have a say in the bridesmaids attire, but not that of the maid of honor? If there are no bridesmaids, then the dress shouldn't be an issue, that's up to her and the bride. But, if there are bridesmaids involved in the wedding, then the dresses should match, or atleast be the same colour. Maybe I mis-read her post? I assumed that there isn't anyone else in the wedding party, just her as maid of honour.. The MIL shouldn't have a say in the bridesmaids/maid of honour dresses. That's up to the bride and groom..Unless the MIL is paying for the dresses, then that's a different situation. But, in this situation it doesn't sound like she's paying.
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