Mending1985 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 My ex and I have been broken up for 2 years now, and I still have never managed to stick to NC (I know, sad huh?). I'm still totally in love with him, he doesn't feel the same and has made this clear to me on many occasions. I tell him I want to go NC pretty frequently which he is happy with, he says he just wants me to move on and be happy, hopes we can be friends one day, but he understands I have to do whats right for me. But the problem is, I say NC and then I call him 3 days later. I just can't stick to it!! And now its getting to the point where I'm afraid he's going to meet someone and fall in love and I know I'm not strong enough to handle that so I need to go NC and stick to it now before that happens. I just can't do it! All my friends have boyfriends, or are really busy, plus everyone's sick of hearing about it anyway (since its been going on for 2 years) so I don't really have any support. I don't know how to make it stick, and I'm really scared that I'm never going to be happy again. Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated. I feel like I'm falling down a big black hole...
nowhereman82 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Pull the bandage off quick....tell him that if he is truly a friend he will do you the favor and not accept your contact anymore...save you from your self. WIll be hard to do, you will regret it...but if you can't do it after 2 years you might need that help from him.
laars Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Hi Mending, I can understand why it's so hard, you've got yourself in a habit of contacting him and that's hard to break. Obviously you're getting some kind of positive reinforcement from contacting him otherwise you wouldn't do it. What is it you get out of talking to him? You need to remove the reinforcement to break the behaviour. Maybe picture him rolling his eyes when he sees that you're calling, or laughing about how you're still hung up on him. As unpleasant as these thoughts might be, they might make you think twice about calling him. If you can go a week without contacting him then you can go a fortnight, if you can go a fortnight you can go a month... if you can go a month you'll be free to move on and be happy. You deserve it.
motive2002 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 I'm still totally in love with him When the love you put out isn't reciprocated, it comes back to you as pain, so the first step is to stop loving him. I know, easier said than done, but what you're holding onto doesn't exist anymore. It's fragments of memory of a love once shared working against you. In short, it's a waste of energy. I know how you feel. I kept my ex on a pedestal for far too long, and my heart paid the price for it. You have to understand that you will find love again with a different person, and your feelings for the ex will soon seem preposterous. NC is really key here. If you have to tell him to keep the commitment on his end, then do so. I went NC and she respected my wishes. It hurt to never hear her again, but I knew it was really the best way for me to heal. 4 months NC now. I still think about her sometimes, but the pain is subsiding. NC is doing it's job. She's losing power over me that she never deserved to have in the first place. I am free to live my life without pain and enjoy everything the world has to offer. Hang in there!
Author Mending1985 Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 Hi Mending, I can understand why it's so hard, you've got yourself in a habit of contacting him and that's hard to break. Obviously you're getting some kind of positive reinforcement from contacting him otherwise you wouldn't do it. What is it you get out of talking to him? You need to remove the reinforcement to break the behaviour. Maybe picture him rolling his eyes when he sees that you're calling, or laughing about how you're still hung up on him. As unpleasant as these thoughts might be, they might make you think twice about calling him. If you can go a week without contacting him then you can go a fortnight, if you can go a fortnight you can go a month... if you can go a month you'll be free to move on and be happy. You deserve it. I don't know what I get out of it! It's like a drug addiction - I feel happy while I'm talking to him then when I'm not I come back down and wish I hadn't. He never sounds happy to hear from me, always rushes to end the phone call (that I've initiated - he never calls me) and I always end up bottling it up and lashing out at him and then apologising and it goes back the start again. I think deep down its a self esteem thing, that I somehow fell validated by his attention which is totally pathetic and damaging I know. I just never imagined myself in this place you know?
Author Mending1985 Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 When the love you put out isn't reciprocated, it comes back to you as pain, so the first step is to stop loving him. I know, easier said than done, but what you're holding onto doesn't exist anymore. It's fragments of memory of a love once shared working against you. In short, it's a waste of energy. I know how you feel. I kept my ex on a pedestal for far too long, and my heart paid the price for it. You have to understand that you will find love again with a different person, and your feelings for the ex will soon seem preposterous. NC is really key here. If you have to tell him to keep the commitment on his end, then do so. I went NC and she respected my wishes. It hurt to never hear her again, but I knew it was really the best way for me to heal. 4 months NC now. I still think about her sometimes, but the pain is subsiding. NC is doing it's job. She's losing power over me that she never deserved to have in the first place. I am free to live my life without pain and enjoy everything the world has to offer. Hang in there! I guess thats one of my biggest worries is that he WAS my one big love and I screwed it up! I cheated on him very early on (we were on a break but you get the picture) and he tried to forgive me and trust me etc. but it just didn't happen and I was very unstable at the time so clingy as. Anyway, so I have doubts that I'll find someone better because I hurt a really genuine great guy, and I feel like I'm gonna have to pay for that...
laars Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 I don't know what I get out of it! It's like a drug addiction - I feel happy while I'm talking to him then when I'm not I come back down and wish I hadn't. He never sounds happy to hear from me, always rushes to end the phone call (that I've initiated - he never calls me) and I always end up bottling it up and lashing out at him and then apologising and it goes back the start again. I think deep down its a self esteem thing, that I somehow fell validated by his attention which is totally pathetic and damaging I know. I just never imagined myself in this place you know? I know how that feels. I never thought I'd find myself in a position where I was with someone who I knew wasn't sure if they wanted to be with me. I always thought I was stronger than that, and that if someone wasn't sure, why waste your time.... but I ended up in that position and was (and am) so angry at myself for being that person, for giving him all the power. I think the first step is to tell yourself that you deserve better. And then believe it. You deserve someone who will call you. And sends you flowers. And tell you he loves you. Until you believe that you're never going to move on and you will never find that person, because you're not looking. Whenever you feel like calling him, call a friend instead, or just head away from the phone so you can't. Eventually it'll get easier.
gd26 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 It also may motivate you to have a calendar, and to mark off each day that you go without contacting him. You can reward yourself for each mini-goal that you meet. For example, if you are able to go 3 days without contacting him, then reward yourself by going out with a friend to a movie. If you make it 7 days, then go out and get a manicure and pedicure, etc. Those are just examples, but you can find rewards that work for you. Get yourself to not talk to him for over a month this way... by then you should be feeling a lot better about yourself.
Ingenue Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 gd26's idea is a good one. It's what I currently use. For every NC milestone I meet, I reward myself with something I've been wanting, whether it be a cute pair of heels or a chocolate bar. While I don't mark down the days, I do monthly marks in my calendar. I'll be approaching two months next month and I've already marked it off on the calendar as a day to celebrate with a DVD I want. I also find that talking to friends really helps as does writing in a journal. In the initial days when I felt an urge to contact the ex, I would write in my journal and put down all of my thoughts there. Good luck with NC. You can do it
Author Mending1985 Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 Well I spoke to my ex last night and told him I need to go NC again for a while. I do want to be friends with him one day because he is a really wonderful guy and my biggest supporter, so I've set my bar at: when the thought of calling doesn't make me nervous or excited, then I can call him. I also made a joke with him and said alternatively he can call me when he misses me (which I know he won't) so it's all good. He's really supportive of my decision, he thinks its a good idea too, and he let me know that he cares a great deal and if at any point the proverbial sh*t hits the fan, I can call him. I'm actually feeling quite positive about it today (probably helps that its Friday lol) and I'm starting to plan activities to keep my mind off things so I really think I can do it this time!! Thanks for all your great advice! It's really helped me knowing that other people have gone through the same thing I'm going through
Author Mending1985 Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 I added a little NC counter to my Facebook profile (my ex doesn't use Facebook so all good) right at the top of my page so that's my new guide - I have something I can look at that will hopefully keep me going! So far it shows less than one day but oh well...better than nothing! :-D
ioncebelieved Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 When the love you put out isn't reciprocated, it comes back to you as pain, so the first step is to stop loving himr me to heal. That right there is the s h i t !!!!!! I love that saying!!!! Man you are spot on with that except I disagree with stop loving them part. I could never stop loving my ex!!! I will just love myself more in the future!! I really lost myself in her. Again, great reply!!
CaliGuy Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Sounds like he is caring and patient. You need to do the right thing and accept that it's over. He's told you in so many ways he wants you to find someone who loves you as you are. He won't be able to give you the love you want and the more energy you put into him, the less energy you will have to give the RIGHT guy when he comes along. And really, that is what you are doing. You are allowing him to suck the life out of you. He isn't doing it, you are doing it to yourself. At some point, you gotta pick yourself up by the bootstraps and move on. There is no bigger waste of time than unrequited love. When I think of all the time I have wasted in the past on women who didn't want to be with me, who weren't right for me, it's enough to make me want to slap myself. Now that I've put myself out there on a dating site, I am pleasantly surprised to see that there's still a market for guys like me. And the interest has been pretty good so it's a confidence booster. Instead of wasting so much time chasing the one that got away, I could have already found the right one. So learn from my experience! Accept, greive and move on with your life. The sooner you do, the sooner you will meet Mr. Right. And NC is very essential to your healing. As you said, it's a drug and you need to break yourself from it. No matter what you do, he will eventually meet someone and stop taking your calls altogether. You need to be prepared for that to happen. It sucks, but think of it this way. He's one less guy in the way of you meeting Mr. Right.
Author Mending1985 Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 It sucks, but think of it this way. He's one less guy in the way of you meeting Mr. Right. Thanks CaliGuy - that's a really positive way to look at things!
Author Mending1985 Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 Haha so sad...Day 1 of NC and I'm already losing my will. Wanting to call, just to see how his day was. I'm imagining that he's thinking about me and maybe wondering how I'm going. Last time I went NC, I took up smoking (cigarettes) again so that everytime I wanted to call him, I had a smoke instead and it kinda helped, gave me something to do, but now I'm full time smoking again and hooked, so it doesn't help anymore :-( I need to hire someone to slap me whenever I think about him!!!
Author Mending1985 Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 I broke NC after 20 hours. I'm a lost cause!
ninjaturtles Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 aaaw...no you are not! How did the conversation go? What did he say? At this point, he is probably going to believe that you can't do without contacting him..uh oh . Anyway, it's been two years and it is going to be difficult, but you need to start cutting contact. Anytime you get the urge to call him, why don't you stop for a moment and think about the damage it will cause. Cutting contact may even allow him miss you...you never know. Calling him regularly, however only puts you in the 'friendzone'...and if he starts seeing someone else soon, you will be very very hurt by this. You are very lucky he isnt on facebook. Do you live close to eachother? Do you bump into each other? If your answers are in the negative, then all you need do is MAKE UP YOUR MIND. you need to be very strong willed about this. You need to be determined! It's like trying to quit drugs. You will have withdrawal symptoms and cravings for him. However, you need to take control. I know how hard it is. Been there , done that...but I have to admit that going NC was the best thing that happened to me. Better still, anytime you want to call him, post on here instead...! How did the conversation go anyway?
Author Mending1985 Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 The conversation went okay in the beginning, I told him I wanted to see him "one last time" etc and he wanted to know why. We ended the conversation after I said I'd just get over it. He then called me an hour later to see if I was ok and we talked about it for a bit. I then sent him a message 3 hours later saying my night had ended up ok, and thanks for his support. Somehow we hot a bit snappy with each other and I started crying and hung up. THEN I rang him this morning to apologise and he cracked the sh*ts with me for apologising saying it wasn't necessary and he's sick of it and I burst into tears and told him I couldn't do this anymore and hung up on him. That was about an hour ago. I'm home alone now and tempted to call him and try to work it out but I know it won't happen. Calling him = tears for me + no satisfaction/positive outcome
me007 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I'm in the same boat... it's very hard to stick to no contact. I'm trying to go a month now to see how I feel at the end. Longest I've gone is a week..and it's torture... always think of one last thing to say to him or just wondering how he is doing or if he's dating someone else. Maybe you need a no contact buddy?
Melrapuo Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Longest I've gone is 2 weeks...3 times in a row. Each time she contacts me, says something that angers/annoys me, and then I IM her out of anger. Then it goes again. I'm fed up.
Author Mending1985 Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 I've thought about a NC buddy but all my friends are pretty much done hearing about it, and they have their own lives to deal with anyway. I just feel like I'm going to stuck this way forever - I'm only 23 and it scares the hell out of me!
gd26 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 The conversation went okay in the beginning, I told him I wanted to see him "one last time" etc and he wanted to know why. We ended the conversation after I said I'd just get over it. He then called me an hour later to see if I was ok and we talked about it for a bit. I then sent him a message 3 hours later saying my night had ended up ok, and thanks for his support. Somehow we hot a bit snappy with each other and I started crying and hung up. THEN I rang him this morning to apologise and he cracked the sh*ts with me for apologising saying it wasn't necessary and he's sick of it and I burst into tears and told him I couldn't do this anymore and hung up on him. That was about an hour ago. I'm home alone now and tempted to call him and try to work it out but I know it won't happen. Calling him = tears for me + no satisfaction/positive outcome Your behavior is totally self-destructive. Everyone here is telling you not to contact him, but you won't listen. What are you getting out of this? Every time you continue to contact him, he is only getting more fed up with you and you are losing respect in his eyes. You are looking more like a crazy girl. Is this truly what you want? Trust me, I was very clingy back when I was in high school.... and I wish I could take back those days and wish years later that I treated myself with more respect. You will really regret your behavior if you keep acting like this. Furthermore, at some point, he will get so fed up that he will stop picking up your calls.... is that what you really want? The more you keep contacting him, the more rejection you will have to face... is the pain worth it? It's time to move on now!!!!
gd26 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Sorry, I realized that my last post seemed kinda mean. I don't mean to be rude. It's just that I have been in a very similar situation about 10 years ago where I was begging and pleading the guy to be with me.... and I look back at those days with embarrassment, wishing I treated myself better and had the guts to walk away. Looking at your situation, I see hope for you to get better and heal... but only if you have the strength to walk away and not look back. Even though you can't take back the past, I hope you will have the courage to do the right thing now.
Author Mending1985 Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 GD it's not mean at all - it's honest - and you're right, everyone tells me and I never listen. I guess it's because he's always been so tolerant of my behaviour that I can't see how wrong it is, because he always talks to me and still cares so in my head it kinda makes it ok...does that make sense? I just get so down and lonely sometimes and thats when I turn to him. When things are going great, I'm ok to leave him alone. I just don't feel strong enough to move on sometimes.
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