me save my marriage!!

[InaPanic]

i don't suggest just leaving her alone. It sounds like she may be in the beginnings of an EA with the man she talks to on the phone. So right now she may be experiencing that heady feeling & have more interest in him than in you. That needs to be stopped, if possible, quickly before she becomes anymore involved with him.

 

I think by showing her actions more than words that you are trying to change will help (tho kind & loving words can certainly help as well!).

 

Good luck.

[Steve M.]

Sounds like she's pretty much in the EA (emotional affair). She may also be in physical affair.

 

Where is she living? Did she leave the family home? Did she move in with someone?

 

What state do you live in? Is it a "fault" or "no fault" state?

 

A "fault state" sees infidelity as a crime punishable by law and up to 2 years in jail in some states. The alterer will pay financially....dearly. It's just as bad as infidelity in military where the adulterer is court Marshalled/discharged dishonorably. In a "no fault" state like California, you can cheat on your spouse and financial asset/debt is 50-50. But if marriage is deemed "long term", i.e. more than 10 years, alimony may be sought. Google "divorce infidelity (your state)" and see your state's ruling on divorce and infidelity.

 

I realize you're not ready to give up on your M and I encourage you to keep reminding your wife you're not giving up. But it might be wise to look into what could happen, especially where your kids are concerned. Make them your priority right now. In my opinion, your W is deep into an EA and possibly in a physical affair (sexual). If this is the case, she's going to be in the "fog" for awhile until she gets a wake up call.

 

I don't know, but by your account of what's going on, that wake up call may be your kids. NO matter what you say to convince your W that you'll change, she won't believe you. In her mind, why now when you had all that time while you two were married to change? You're only wanting to change because you're about to lose her.

 

So what you may have to do is the next do a reverse psychology. Rather than begging her to give a chance, say...

 

I know whatever I say and whatever I do won't matter to you at this point. But if this is the last time I ever get a chance to tell you, I want this to be now. I know I took you for granted. I took our marriage for granted. I never thought this would ever happen. I always thought we would be together forever. It took this, my losing you to realize how important you are to me. I don't want to lose you. I want our marriage. I want my wife back. If I'm ever going to have another chance, I will show you the kind of husband you deserve and need. I'm so sorry I've let you down. I know I need to make some changes. I'm sad that it took me this long to realize this. I'm hurt to say that because of you, you help me realize it and I will forever be grateful to you. Because if I'm ever going to be a role model to our kids, I have to.

 

If you've decided that you don't want to be married to me or work on our marriage, there's nothing I can do other than time to let you see that I intend to keep my promise. I won't force you to come back if you don't want to. If this is what you want,let me know. We need to talk about the our kids, finances, school, where they will live and where you will leave especially since school is coming up.

 

Something along these lines anyway. Sometimes this is the only thing left to do at some point. Give her time to mull it over. If she's thinking divorce, and she lets the OM know, the OM will also be hit with the reality that he could potentially help support your kids. No offense, but two kids will make me turn the other way. But six kids is totally huge dose of reality. You're presenting "reality" of the possible next step. She'll either come around or she won't. Chances are her OM (other man) has promised her sunset and greener grass. Can't hurt to be prepared.

 

 

We still live together in California. I just find it hard to believe the she has been completely honest with him about having 6 kids. She says that he knows. I have serious doubts that any guy in their right mind would even want to go down that road. Especially if he has any kids. The Brady Bunch thing is only for TV.

 

I will try the reverese physcoligy thing because I really don't want to give up.

 

I just makes me so angry that it had to come to this for me to realize how much I still love and need her.

[Walk]

We still live together in California. I just find it hard to believe the she has been completely honest with him about having 6 kids. She says that he knows. I have serious doubts that any guy in their right mind would even want to go down that road. Especially if he has any kids.

 

In my experience, guys who hook up with married women KNOW that they'll never have to actually do any of the hard work (like taking care of her kids, or supporting them). The affair is fun, its exciting, its the forbidden - no strings attached - type of lust.

 

I'd put all my money on the fact that if your wife were free to be with this guy that he'd bolt. He doesn't wanna be a daddy to her kids, he just wants her to believe it so she'll keep coming around.

[Walk]

I would change it slightly to remove any possesive pronouns from the statements. That was the one thing that finally drove me to leave my husband... he started telling me that I was "His" wife... his wife, his marriage, his, his, his.. He'd been selfish all through the marriage. And his last words to me were "Your my wife".

 

So I took the liberty to change up the wording a little bit. General idea still the same. (Sorry for doing that NewSunrise, I hope you don't mind)

................................................................

 

I know I took you for granted. I took our marriage for granted. I want our marriage to be something that makes you happy. I know I've let you down and that I need to change how I behave. I will make those changes for you and create a better relationship. I want our kids to see how a relationship should really be and not have them turn into spouses like I have been in the past.

 

When you are ready to leave, then I'll help make the transition as smooth as possible. I want you to be happy and safe.

 

Comments on changes:

Mentioning how it was only NOW that you've realized what a bad husband you've been is kind of like rubbing salt in the wound. I'm sure she's mentioned her problems before, so for you to only decide to act now that she's taken her toys to go play with someone else comes off as rather selfish/self-centered. You'd be better off just admitting you were an azz and leaving it at that.

 

You should be able to communicate that she is an individual who will make her own choices based on her own happiness from this point forward. She's built a wall between you and is only thinking of herself at this point. I think it would be more beneficial to you to just communicate the idea that you are placing her happiness as a priority... not whatever you want (i.e. wanting her to stay, or wanting her to want to work on the marriage).

 

Let her know you will support her decision to leave. And you wish her the best with her new life. And mostly, telling her that you expect her to leave puts the actual decision of leaving in her hands. I'm not sure she really feels she has control of the situation, and she may decide to leave just to prove it. If you've already given her all the power by handing it to her, then she also has the control to stay. You remove your own desires from her decisions.

 

When I left my exH (he was an azz) I gave him a bunch of chances to show he was really working on changing. Even though I'd told him over and over that I was done, even though I filed divorce papers on him, even though I screamed and yelled whenever we talked... I did give him several chances to prove that he understood the problems and was working on addressing them.

 

After I had left him (and due to some bad situations) I called him for help (he'd offered numerous times). I asked him to pick me up one day to take me home (long story about why). He told me he was talking to a friend and then told me he'd come after he talked to his friend. 2 hours later he showed up. Then told me how incredibly important I was to him, how he would do anything to make our marriage work, how hard he was working to be the partner I had needed. But he still placed my needs lower then his own, and proved it again that day. I gave him several other chances to show how he'd grown and changed, and none of those ended any differently. His life was very important, my needs very secondary.

 

Anyway... even if she leaves I'm almost positive she'll give you opportunities to win her back. They might be hidden, and they might seem trivial or manipulative to you, but if your real goal is to change your behavior then eventually you will convince her of it. If you really aren't worried about changing, and you're only going through the motions.. then you'll prove that to her through your actions. Words are only there to point toward the actions... without the actions you have nothing.

 

p.s. forgot to add.. part of the reason I left my exh was because I had had an affair. When I left the OM bolted. Don't blame him. and I didn't care if he was there or not... but it added another layer to the situation that made things complicated.

[NewSunrise]

Not at all walk. Your insight from your own experience is always valuable to all on LS.

 

Because your W already knows you want her back, she might use it to her advantage. She'll string you along until she "thinks" you've changed accordingly to suit her. It's a catch 22. You're damn if you change and damn if you don't. Still you should still need make adjustments because if you don't, you will be faced with the same problems in your next relationship. The rewards for changing far outweighs the status quo if you didn't. Healthier for you and your kids in the long run.

 

Keep researching legal aspects for a possible divorce. If your W is convinced that her OM will stick with her in the end with all six kids, there is no incentive for her to stay with you no matter if you turned into a royal prince. She may still give you a chance. But as long as the OM treats her like a princess, your M may not survive. So, yeah, give her the decision to choose.

 

So get your finances and legal stuff ready, just in case her OM is an attorney.

 

BTW (By the way), what part of California do you live? And what County? Los Angeles County for instance has different courthouses which can vary to the type of judge you might get. One courthouse tends to be more liberal than the other when it comes to infidelity. My divorce attorney told me this. Expect to pay $275-350 per hour.

 

If you and your W don't have a lot of assets, look into using a paralegal will save you thousands of dollars. If you and your W can come up with a "Marital Separation Agreement" in which you two agree divisions of property, assets, debts, child/spousal support, etc, could cost less than $2K as long as you two do most of the leg work. Goodle a sampling of a "Marital Separation Agreement". Will give you some ideas on how to word a sort of a "divorce decree". Also, whoever files first (Petitioner), the "Respondent" (person getting served/sued divorce paper) may seek to have a portion of or all legal fees.

 

Keep us posted.

[Steve M.]

Okay it's been awhile so here is an update.... I found out that my wife did in fact have a PA and not just the EA that I originally thought. She still won't admit it but I have actual proof that she did. Even though that killed me to find out I still love her very much and told her that I still wanted to fix our marriage... At first she seemed like she wanted that too but for the next week it was very cold between us. So as much as I didn't want to I told her that I would be moving out and I would always support our kids financially. At that point she literally wouldn't let me leave. She kept saying we need to work this out FOR the kids. I told her that we need to work this out for US first because if we stay together only for the kids it will eventually end up happening again. So another week or so in limbo and I had my stuff ready to go again but this time she said she still loves me and wants us to be happen finally. She agreed to change our home phone, stay off of the internet, and committed to working to rebuild our marriage.

 

Sounds like the perfect ending, doesn't it? Will everyone keeps telling us how happy she seems and even our kids are notice it but the problem is I don't! I keep thinking this is just an act and it's driving me crazy. I also keep thinking about how she probably is comparing me to the other guy. How do I let the past go and move forward? I keep thinking bad things but she seems to sincere. The bottom line is I just want to be happy with her and my kids. What do I do.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry my friend but if you have proof that it was a physical affair and she still refuses to admit the truth then your recovery is doomed to fail. She is still lying to you and being deceitful. She still refuses to take responsibility for what she has done. She still believes that she has pulled a fast one over you in that she is still claiming it did not go physical. This means she still is disrespecting you and trying to play you like a fool. If she refuses to be honest with you then there is a good chance it will happen again. This should be a deal breaker for you on many levels. I wish you luck.

[Steve M.]

Acutally she has admitted to making a lot of mistakes about this whole situation. As far a proof goes I read messages. I don't have pictures or video just reading between the lines in the messages. Maybe I'm over reacting to them or maybe your right. So now what?

[blueintheface]

move to the infidelity forum. there are many BS there who have a wealth of experience with this.

[Sup]

I also keep thinking about how she probably is comparing me to the other guy. How do I let the past go and move forward? I keep thinking bad things but she seems to sincere.

 

Have you confronted her over this? Have you, or are you going to present what you have as evidence to her of her PA affair? If she's banged another man, you have every right to move on, you tell her that. She can't stop you from leaving, she did that to you.

[imagine]

My advice is the same as last time. It is still as relevant.