me save my marriage!!

[Steve M.]

I am on the verge on losing my marriage. First of all I have never cheated on my wife. I tend to be flirty at times and usual without even noticing that I am.

 

Recently I created a fake on-line profile to see if she would cheat. It turns out that she figured out it was me and she also created one and she started messaging me and I would she her messages back. I can honestly say that every message was completely innocent. She will admit that.

 

I have not treated her the way she deserved to be treated for some years now. Also, I have been verbally abusive and not very helpful with our 6 children we have together.

 

She has been acting different lately and a few nights ago I got this very bad feeling that something was going on. I confronted her and she just got mad and said I was being stupid. She can't lie and I could tell by the look on her face that something was going on.

 

I went on-line and checked our phone bill and found that she has been calling a dating line pretty much compulsively, about 40 times at all hours of the day and night, every single day! People leave profiles and you can leave them message and call each other. After I confronted her she did admit to it and in looking thru the numbers she had been calling one in particular, even calling him at work. She says that she tells everyone that she is married and has 6 kids but I find it hard to believe that a guy would want to just talk with her and be friends know her situation.

 

She said she only needs some one to talk to because I am never there. She swears it's just a friend thing but it's only guys she calls and who call her. I would think she would need a women friend who could understand her.

 

I asked if it was only a friend thing then I want to talk to him and she got furious and said absolutely no way. What am I supposed to think?

 

For the past several days she has been on edge by the phone. I get hurt and mad. I keep wanting to talk to this person. I guess I should give her space and not keep asking about this guy but it so hard.

 

I told her I am willing to change and we get professional help. We really need to make this marriage work especially for our children.

 

She tells me that it's different now and we have grown apart. Our kids mean everything to her and I just don't see how she could think that them growing up without both parents in the home will work.

 

Is there any hope??

[rproctor]

It can definitely work my friend!

 

Your wife, and you, have probably both been distancing yourselves from each other for some time now. Yea, kids, work, and all that get in the way of intimacy, but unfortunately the need for it never goes away.

 

When was the last time you guys went out on a date?

When was the last time you guys snuggled with each other?

When was the last time you two made time for each other?

 

I think, as relationships mature and life goes on, the need for intimacy between the two seems to dissipate, but in actuality it is still needed, just not there.

 

Your wife was probably trying to fill that void, and I am sure she would love more than anything for that to be filled by you, and not another man. Look past these actions, and take them as a warning sign that you two need to come together.

 

Try just going out on some dates, dont let kids be an excuse not to do it. DO IT!

[Steve M.]

I would love that. But right now she just seems so angry. Should I just leave her alone? Then it would be like before not paying attention to her. I've already tried to make time throughout the day to call her just to see how she is doing but she says I'm being fake or I'm just trying to check up on her. What do I do?

[redfathom]

Why do you want to stay in this marriage (besides the kids) and why should she want to stay in this marriage?

[Steve M.]

I really do love her very much besides the kids. I'm not sure she necessarily wants to stay. I am willing to fight for our marriage but it feels hopeless.

[rproctor]

Im sure there are a myriad of reasons to save this marriage, other than just the children. Obviously, its a strong family and a lot of time and devotion spent, all too much to throw away just because of one bump.

 

Listen, i would suggest you talk to you wife, in the most calm soothing way you can possibly murmur your voice. If she gets angry, or loud, or whatever -just stare at her and try again. Tell her you know there is problems, but you are more than 100% willing to work it out, want to work it out, and want to rekindle the flame of this relationship. Which you do, dont you?

 

And, I dont mean just call her to see whats up, or something that simple (though its good gestures), I ment make time for you two, away from your children, alone, ready to explore each others bodies.

 

Dont be nervous, or shy with your wife. Step up, be confident, and take her.

[redfathom]

Not to sound mean, but you say you havn't really helped with the kids, so it's almost like she is raising them by her self. And you say you were verbally abusive, how abusive?

 

You have to convince her that she wants to stay...not just that you need her.

[Steve M.]

Not to sound mean, but you say you havn't really helped with the kids, so it's almost like she is raising them by her self. And you say you were verbally abusive, how abusive?

 

You have to convince her that she wants to stay...not just that you need her.

 

Yes I am embarrased to admit the above. I would yell at her a lot and times when she would talk to me I always made her feel like she was bothering me. I am willing to accept that I completely wrong.

 

How can I convince her without pushing her further away?

[wittygirl09]

List of things to do:

 

1. Spend more time with wife, give her affection and attention. Listen to her. Cherish her. Rekindle the flame. Did you ever stop to think why you married her in the first place or why she married you? Bring out those emotions and initial attractions back if possible.

2. Help out with the kids. Your wife will appreciate it and trust me, so will the kids. Take some responsibility. It must be hard taking care of 6 kids by yourself, I feel so bad for her. Don't you?

3. Stop arguing and being verbally abusive. Easier said than done but seriously, every time you feel like saying something mean, hurtful or degrading, STOP. Bite your tongue. Swallow your pride. A few minutes have anger can emotionally scar another human being for a lifetime.

 

Good luck.

[Steve M.]

Im sure there are a myriad of reasons to save this marriage, other than just the children. Obviously, its a strong family and a lot of time and devotion spent, all too much to throw away just because of one bump.

 

Listen, i would suggest you talk to you wife, in the most calm soothing way you can possibly murmur your voice. If she gets angry, or loud, or whatever -just stare at her and try again. Tell her you know there is problems, but you are more than 100% willing to work it out, want to work it out, and want to rekindle the flame of this relationship. Which you do, dont you?

 

And, I dont mean just call her to see whats up, or something that simple (though its good gestures), I ment make time for you two, away from your children, alone, ready to explore each others bodies.

 

Dont be nervous, or shy with your wife. Step up, be confident, and take her.

 

I defitnetly want to rekindle the flame! I just don't know where to start. When I'm around her I could just feel the coldness from here and that she can't wait until I leave the room.

[sandrawg]

I defitnetly want to rekindle the flame! I just don't know where to start. When I'm around her I could just feel the coldness from here and that she can't wait until I leave the room.

 

Sounds like you guys could use some counseling. I'd suggest it to her and see if she is willing.

 

You probably need to get help, on your own, for your verbally abusive tendencies. It's good that you recognize them, though. I was with a guy for a year who was very verbally abusive. You can't imagine the damage that does, not just to her affection for you, but to her entire psyche.

[redfathom]

I can say from my experience with my H who has anger issues for seven years of our marriage (we are on # 8 and he is finally getting help) that it's hard to let go of the past. I know you should always try to move forward, but when you are used to being treated a certain way and used to predictive responses from people it's hard to imagine actions/reactions being different.

 

Maybe you should all sit down as a family (ask her first) and explain that the way you treated her and your kids was not right and while it took you a while to figure that out you want to make it up to all of them.

 

I think you should seek counseling on your own too, if you were acting that way, there has to be an underlying cause, maybe depression or something.

 

What ever you, listen to what she says and take it seriously. You can hope she will change her mind up don't expect it. I think expecting it will only set you up for failure and undermind the value of her feelings.

[redfathom]

Get books on emotionally abusive behaviour, read them along or with her if she wants. Understanding what is abusive will help you recongnise it and try to stop it before more damage is done.

 

Maybe let her have a ladies night out, show that you trust her and you want her to feel like a woman, not just a mom. It's easy to lose your identiy when married and having children. She will want to find it (which she may be doing now) and will associate you with why/how she lost it. Encourage her to find it, be supportive of her being not just a wife and mother, but a person.

[Steve M.]

List of things to do:

 

1. Spend more time with wife, give her affection and attention. Listen to her. Cherish her. Rekindle the flame. Did you ever stop to think why you married her in the first place or why she married you? Bring out those emotions and initial attractions back if possible.

2. Help out with the kids. Your wife will appreciate it and trust me, so will the kids. Take some responsibility. It must be hard taking care of 6 kids by yourself, I feel so bad for her. Don't you?

3. Stop arguing and being verbally abusive. Easier said than done but seriously, every time you feel like saying something mean, hurtful or degrading, STOP. Bite your tongue. Swallow your pride. A few minutes have anger can emotionally scar another human being for a lifetime.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for responding.... I just don't know where to start. When I'm around her I could just feel the coldness from here and that she can't wait until I leave the room.

[Steve M.]

Thank you everyone that responded. I at least have a starting point. I will be back soon...

[NewSunrise]

Go get this book: "GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT", A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix, Pd.D 20th anniversary edition.

 

Sudden smothering as you're seeing/experiencing is backfiring. My guess is your W has started an EA with this particular person. You're married and still married to her. I'd say call the guy, whose phone number repeatedly appears. Identify who you are and that you love you wife along with the six children. If this dude has any respect, he'll apologize. I'd google his number and see where he lives. A good chance he too is married. If you don't nip this in the butt pronto, it could lead to PA.

 

The fact that you also got online and created a profile shows her, you could very well having an affair. You two need to get TWO questions answered honestly.

 

1. Do you two still love each other?

2. Do you still want to be married to each other?

 

If both of you answered YES to both then, follow it with a few excercises (there's quite a few in this book).

 

1. Write a list of the top FIVE most important things you think is important to the other and yours separately in different categories. You'll be surprised to know that what you think tops her list is actually at the bottom of her list and vice versa.

 

2. Write another list ASKING your desires from each other. Make the list that both of you can realistically meet within a short period of time in two weeks or a few months constantly working on it. Give each other your list and read to yourselves first. Think it over. Don't jude or criticize. Rather than discussing those lists, write your replies.

 

 

 

For example, your wife might write....

• For the next two months, when we go out to dinner, I want you to pull my chair out for me and lean over and kiss me. (You can do this immediately even at home)
  

Either of you can ask for this...

• For the next two weeks and every two weeks, I would like you to set aside a dinner date just the two us without the kids.
  
• I would like you to call me three times a day just to chat with me and tell me you love and miss me.
  
• For our next anniversary, I would like you to....
  

Remember to ASK specifically what it is that both of you want from each other to fulfill your needs that are not being met.

 

As far as your abusive behavior, by all means, get counseling. Most insurance will cover the first 8 sessions with a $15-30 copay. If your counselor feels you need additional sessions, s/he will submit a request for another 4-6, total of 14-15.

 

Abuse, physical or verbal will kill any relationship. If you don't get a grip on this, your own kids will abuse their partners. Think about them and what you're training them to become....

[Steve M.]

"The fact that you also got online and created a profile shows her, you could very well having an affair. You two need to get TWO questions answered honestly.

 

1. Do you two still love each other?

2. Do you still want to be married to each other?"

 

I still love her very much, she tells me that she's not in love with me anymore but won't say that she doesn't love me.

 

I still want to be married, she says that it's not the same anymore and we have grown apart.

 

What do you mean that she has started an EA? (extramarital affair?) What about a PA?

 

I try to call but either it's an answering machine every time or they just hang up on me.

 

I'm sure they are still calling each other because she is always has the phone right by her side and keeps the ringer off.

 

Is there anything that I can do? I really don't want to accept that its over.

[rproctor]

Steve, for every wrong thing that has occured in your marriage it will take two rights to rectify it.

 

Simply telling your wife these things, and calling her wont fix this.

 

Saying that you dont know where to begin is not an excuse, and if you keep thinking like that, you will never get past this.

 

Where to begin? You know that answer, you know your wife man, you have been with her all these years, you probably know her better than anyone on this planet besides herself.

 

Do you two live together? You say you keep calling her but she wont answer or hangs up... Dont you see her in person? Push yourself onto her (not physically), if she rejects you, suck it up and try again.

 

Write out a list of everything you have done wrong in the marriage and tell her you are working on fixing these issues. If she throws it away, or destroys it, make another one. Keep pressing it. If she doesnt acknowledge it, disregard it and continue to make the changes -regardless. She will notice after a while.

 

Tell her about counseling, tell her about you, the way you feel, and how you know that there are problems and that you know you have made mistakes, and that you are willing and ready to change. Show her change, give her a reason to believe you. Dont just talk, act!

 

You love your wife, I dont doubt that. But your wife does. And its not anyone here you need to prove that too. Only your wife.

[porter218]

"The fact that you also got online and created a profile shows her, you could very well having an affair. You two need to get TWO questions answered honestly.

 

1. Do you two still love each other?

2. Do you still want to be married to each other?"

 

I still love her very much, she tells me that she's not in love with me anymore but won't say that she doesn't love me.

 

I still want to be married, she says that it's not the same anymore and we have grown apart.

 

What do you mean that she has started an EA? (extramarital affair?) What about a PA?

 

I try to call but either it's an answering machine every time or they just hang up on me.

 

I'm sure they are still calling each other because she is always has the phone right by her side and keeps the ringer off.

 

Is there anything that I can do? I really don't want to accept that its over.

EA= emotional affair

PA= physical affair

take her phone away and call him from that phone..speak calmly so that he doesn't hang up. If he does then just call back and say everything you wanted to say on his voicemail. Remember that he is only a symptom of the problem.

[The Collector]

Anyone remember that thread 'Beginning the fight to save my marriage?' I was wondering if there'd been any updates, but I can't find it anywhere.

[Steve M.]

EA= emotional affair

PA= physical affair

take her phone away and call him from that phone..speak calmly so that he doesn't hang up. If he does then just call back and say everything you wanted to say on his voicemail. Remember that he is only a symptom of the problem.

 

I called from our home phone which is the one that she makes and receives the calls from. It seems like she tells him when not to call or answer.

 

I will try the voice mail.

 

If she won't stop this behavior does that mean its completely over and it our relationship can't be saved. I know I can change but I can't make her.

[porter218]

If she won't stop this behavior does that mean its completely over and it our relationship can't be saved. I know I can change but I can't make her.

Say this to her..but rephrase the bolded part as ' this means'. You can't be the only one working on saving your M, it is a 2 way street.

[Steve M.]

Say this to her..but rephrase the bolded part as ' this means'. You can't be the only one working on saving your M, it is a 2 way street.

 

Well that seems to be a question that I'm fearing to ask. If she says she doesn't want to try anymore do I just leave? I can't do that to my family...

 

I have been literally a complete wreck since I found out a few days ago and have not really slept or eaten anything at all.

[imagine]

Steve, this story is really well covered in the article at the Marriage builders website.

 

Check out the His Needs/Her needs book by Dr Harley.

[NewSunrise]

"The fact that you also got online and created a profile shows her, you could very well having an affair. You two need to get TWO questions answered honestly.

 

1. Do you two still love each other?

2. Do you still want to be married to each other?"

 

I still love her very much, she tells me that she's not in love with me anymore but won't say that she doesn't love me.

 

I still want to be married, she says that it's not the same anymore and we have grown apart.

 

What do you mean that she has started an EA? (extramarital affair?) What about a PA?

 

I try to call but either it's an answering machine every time or they just hang up on me.

 

I'm sure they are still calling each other because she is always has the phone right by her side and keeps the ringer off.

 

Is there anything that I can do? I really don't want to accept that its over.

Sounds like she's pretty much in the EA (emotional affair). She may also be in physical affair.

 

Where is she living? Did she leave the family home? Did she move in with someone?

 

What state do you live in? Is it a "fault" or "no fault" state?

 

A "fault state" sees infidelity as a crime punshible by law and up to 2 years in jail in some states. The aulterer will pay financially....dearly. It's just as bad as infidelity in military where the adulterer is court marshalled/discrharged dishonorobly. In a "no fault" state like California, you can cheat on your spouse and financial asset/debt is 50-50. But if marriage is deemed "long term", i.e. more than 10 years, alimony may be sought. Google "divorce infidelity (your state)" and see your state's ruling on divorce and infidelity.

 

I realize you're not ready to give up on your M and I encourage you to keep reminding your wife you're not giving up. But it might be wise to look into what could happen, especially where your kids are concerned. Make them your priority right now. In my opinion, your W is deep into an EA and possibly in a physical affair (sexual). If this is the case, she's going to be in the "fog" for awhile until she gets a wake up call.

 

I don't know, but by your account of what's going on, that wake up call may be your kids. NO matter what you say to convince your W that you'll change, she won't believe you. In her mind, why now when you had all that time while you two were married to change? You're only wanting to change because you're about to lose her.

 

So what you may have to do is the next do a reverse psychology. Rather than begging her to give a chance, say...

 

I know whatever I say and whatever I do won't matter to you at this point. But if this is the last time I ever get a chance to tell you, I want this to be now. I know I took you for granted. I took our marriage for granted. I never thought this would ever happen. I always thought we would be together forever. It took this, my losing you to realize how important you are to me. I don't want to lose you. I want our marriage. I want my wife back. If I'm ever going to have another chance, I will show you the kind of husband you deserve and need. I'm so sorry I've let you down. I know I need to make some changes. I'm sad that it took me this long to realize this. I'm hurt to say that because of you, you help me realize it and I will forever be greatful to you. Because if I'm ever going to be a role model to our kids, I have to.

 

If you've decided that you don't want to be married to me or work on our marriage, there's nothing I can do other than time to let you see that I intend to keep my promise. I won't force you to come back if you don't want to. If this is what you want,let me know. We need to talk about the our kids, finances, school, where they will live and where you will leave especially since school is coming up.

 

Something along these lines anyway. Sometimes this is the only thing left to do at some point. Give her time to mull it over. If she's thinking divorce, and she lets the OM know, the OM will also be hit with the reality that he could potentially help support your kids. No offense, but two kids will make me turn the other way. But six kids is totally huge dose of reality. You're presenting "reality" of the possible next step. She'll either come around or she won't. Chances are her OM (other man) has promised her sunset and greener grass. Can't hurt to be prepared.