Am I an idiot?

[VAmama]

Am I an idiot?

 

I talked to my ex last night after 9 days NC ( I think I have a thread on that somewhere else). I am begining to accept that for now, it's over, I can't change how he feels, how he feels puts me and my son in a bad place, and I need to move on. I still am hoping he ends up missing me enough that he's willing to go to counseling to address his struggle, but I know not to count on it either. It just hurts b/c I'm hurt and he, very clearly last night, was hurting too.

 

Anyways, I was close to his mother and have not writen or called since our break-up. I kind of felt like I needed to send something before too long, to let her know how much I appreciated what she did for my son and I, as well as to say goodbye. Was I wrong to do this?

 

Here's what I wrote:

 

 

"Hi -

 

I'm not really sure what to write... or even if should be writing this. I'm really crushed, devestated, and disappointed right now, and am having a hard time making sense of all this. I love your son so much, and I know he loves me, and am just devestated about this decision. I know (blank) is crushed too, which makes this harder in way, and just wish so much there were a way to convince him tp work this out somehow. I feel as though we have something so special and worth fighting for and thought we had such a good chance at a beautiful future together, and I had so looked forward to the thought of possibly being a part of your family.

 

Anyways, I'm not writing this to get you caught in the middle of this. I know you've gone through enough of that with (other son) and (DIL) and I don't want that for you here. And I realize you're (blank's) mother and your loyaty lies first and foremost there. I just want you to know how much I'm going to miss you and your family; I really had hoped you and (husband) would be my mother and father-in-law one day, and I loved you and your family and hearing about all the traditions and history. It makes me sad that's not my future now.

 

I appreciate everything you have done for me, and how loving and thoughtful you and (husband) were to (my son). I will never forget this past Christmas, and how you all welcomed us into your home with loving arms and were so generous to us. I will forever cherish those memories. Whenever I think of (state of residence), I will always think of your home, (town), (beach), and (state park), and how fortunate I was to have the opportunity to be a part of your lives for a brief moment in time.

 

I hope one day in the future that we can be in contact again, though I realize for the time being, a little distance is probably needed. The past few days have been extremely difficult for me, and I'm having a hard time accepting and coming to terms with it all. But I felt like I needed to write something to you, b/c I looked at you as a second mother, and didn't want to go too long without you knowing what you meant to me.

 

All my love to you and (husband),

 

(Me) "

 

Then I thought, well, I should at least let the ex know so he's not surprised if his Mom brings it up.

 

So I wrote this:

 

"Hey-

 

I just wanted to let you know that I dropped a goodbye message to your Mom. I hope you don't mind. I just appreciated everthing she- and your family- have done for me and C over the past couple years, and just wanted to let her know. Anyways, in case your Mom brings it up to, I thought you should know.

 

Hope you are well.

 

Love,

 

Vamama

 

PS- I taught myself how to shuffle a deck of cards over the past few days. Needed something to keep my hands busy. Funny huh? Wanna play some poker now? ;-) "

 

Am I complete idiot? His mother and family were really was very good to my son and I. We use to keep in touch weekly. I'm gonna miss her too...

[citizen67]

You had a relationship with the MIL too - I actually think it was lovely that you wrote her that note. There is no way she will not be touched. It is never wrong or idiotic to say "thank you" to someone who has been kind to you. Just don't be surprised if she doesnt respond, b/c it is awkward - like you said in the letter, at the end of the day, her loyalty has to lie with her son, and your note implies she got caught in the middle of something that went on w/ her other son

[VAmama]

Thanks citizen. Your words made me cry. I've been crying over losing my ex the past few days, but I'm also losing his family and that hurts too. I thought his mother was the best. Thank you for validating my feelings. I know my ex's mother will appreciate the email.

[VAmama]

So my ex emailed me back this morning in reply to the short email I sent him (see originial post):

 

That's sweet of you to do that. I know that she'll appreciate it. Thanks for letting me know! And congratulations on your shuffling efficiency. It's a useful skill :-)

 

Ugh! Why? Why does he have to be such a nice guy? I love him b/c of it... and hate it right now. It would be so much easier to get over if he were being a jerk.

 

Why did I have to find the love of my life only to lose him?

 

Why did I have to feel this love, only to lose it over my son?

 

Is someone trying to torture me?

 

Why can't I find one damn man who wants ME? Who will love me and my son unconditionally? Why have I gone through so much crap in my life only to taste what true joy can be- and then lose it?

 

I thought I would be married by now. No one understand why I'm not- I'm very attractive, usually level-headed, and a good, fair person-and a good Mom to boot. Why can't I find a man to appreciate that? No, wait, I did. My ex appreciated all of that- even the fact that I'm a good Mom. But he just finds that he wants to be selfish and not deal with my son's occassional tantrums and misbehavior/testing of boundaries.

 

Why do I have to keep going through this pain? I never wanted to be back at this dark place in my life, and I thought for sure I never would be again once I got involved with my ex. And now here I am. And it sucks.

 

And I don't care what anyone says.... I can do stuff all day long but it will never compare to how I felt when I was with my ex; I looked forward to everyday with my ex, b/c I knew it was going to be filled with fun and laughter, and we would be sharing in life together. Nothing I do can fill that void.....

 

Sorry; I'm feeling very pessimistic this morning (probably do to lack of sleep and not feeling well) and am wondering what was the whole point of this 2 year relationship and to experience a love where I had no doubts.... I was so sure of our future.... only to see it crash and burn b/c of his doubts over my son. Why?

 

How am I ever going to learn to let go of my love for him? I don't want to be one of these people posting on these boards 2 years later b/c I still can't let go of my love for him.....

[sunshinegirl]

I really wanted to send my ex's parents a note too, just to let them know how much I appreciated them. But I didn't want to get them caught up in stuff, so I never did. All that to say I think the instinct to send a note was sweet. However, I think you dumped WAY too much of your emotional state on his mother. You should have edited it down to something closer to this:

 

I appreciate everything you have done for me, and how loving and thoughtful you and (husband) were to (my son). I will never forget this past Christmas, and how you all welcomed us into your home with loving arms and were so generous to us.

 

I hope one day in the future that we can be in contact again

 

No real harm or foul, but I would suggest that you be a little more careful about stuff like this in the future. I doubt his mom really wants to know how crushed you are right now. Her son is the priority, not you (harsh as that sounds, I know). Save your unfiltered grief for your own friends and family.

 

(((hugs)))

[VAmama]

Yeah, thanks Sunshine. I re-read it this morning and thought the opening was a little heavy. I know her priority is her son. Oh well. Too late now, I already sent it.

 

Besides, I had to listen to her and all her problems w/ my ex's brother and his wife, so..... I never ever got to met him, but all I heard was negative things and complaints and was expected to provide feedback and listen. Oh well. Not that it makes it right what I did. But, I guess what I mean to say is that I don't feel too bad about laying on some grief either. She knows.... she was the one telling me three weeks ago how she and the entire family were so hopeful that my ex and I were going to get married. We use to correspond weekly and had a lot of similar interests.

 

Anyways, I don't plan to be in touch with her anytime in the near future, so... and when I do in time (probably at least 6-12 months out), it will only be a friendly hello. She's stayed in contact with my ex's other ex's (funny ;-) ) so, I'm sure she'll understand. She really did feel like a mother to me.

[citizen67]

VaMama don't beat yourself up for being emotional in the email - nothing you said was out of line, and again, b/c you had a realtionship with her, for you to say "I am heartbroken" is not unreasonable. If you had bad mouthed her son to him, that would be a different story. RE: How hard it is to lose someone who is a great guy, and it would be easier if he was a jerk, let me tell you, I'm dealing with a jerk who betrayed me, and it aint easy- lots of feelings of how could someone whom I was so good to and gave my love to, betray me like that - it makes you feel worthless. It sucks no matter how you slice it. And for what its worth, I don't think your ex sounds all that great if he broke up with you over your son, unless your son is Damien or something

[VAmama]

So... my ex's mother just left me a voice mail in regard to the email I sent her Wednesday evening.

 

She said thanks so much for the hearfelt email, and while it was heartbreaking to read, she and her husband appreciated so much what I had to say. She said everyone is devestated by this turn of events, and are just heartbroken as well, and are not at all happy with the situation. She said she and her husband so enjoyed getting to know my son and I over the past couple of years... and she repeated twice that I should call her tonight; that she would like to speak with me rather than do it over email. All in all, it was about a 2 minute message.

 

I broke down crying listening to her message. What do I do? I want to call her.... but I'm afraid I might hear something I may not want to hear. I'm also afraid I might turn into a blubbering idiot talking to her.... and I don't want to do anything to upset my ex. He was cool with me sending the email.... but I don't know.

 

Anyone? Buller?

[citizen67]

You could send an email saying "I know you didnt want to do this by email, but I feel too emotional to speak to you on the phone, and I am also not quite sure it would be fair to [her son]. I hope that you understand. Thank you so much for being receptive to my email message and to contacting me in return. It rellay meant the world to me. And we will speak again one day, it is just too soon. Love to you and [her husband]

[VAmama]

Well.... I did call his mother. I did it tonight when I was feeling a little more calm. We talked for about 40 minutes tonight.

 

A lot of it was stuff like... we looked at you as a daughter, the daughter we always wanted.... you were a part of our family...... we loved your family.... we are all upset about this situation.... etc, etc. Constantly reiterating how much she loved me and was touched by me and thought I was just a great person.... and someone they had wanted in the family. That they don't know why he came to this decision. How she felt she had to talk to me rather than just write me an email...

 

She let a few interesting things slip..... that my ex had brought up in May how he was really struggling with my son and his relationship with his father. How my ex didn't think he was a good role model and how it frustrated him that he wasn't the primary role model in my son's life....

 

She also said my ex acted differently about me than other previous girlfriends... that he was more openly affectionate in front of other family with me than any other girlfriend..... That it was clear to everyone how much we cared about one another.

 

She said she has gently tried to talk to my ex about what happened between us but said he can't even talk to her about it... it's too difficult for him to discuss with her yet.

 

That he is clearly very uphappy right now. That the grass is not greener for him right now, and he is clearly aware of it.

 

She is hoping next weekend when he is home that he will open up with her and his father about it. That she will see what she can do...

 

Anyways.... I don't know if I feel better or worse. I guess technically this was a form of N/C. I just... I don't know. My ex and I are both so miserable without each other. Why doesn't he want to try? My ex's mother thinks it may be more about his perception with how things should be with my son's situation than a dislike of my son.... more to do with my son's father's influence on my son than an actually dislike of my son.

 

It just makes me hurt. I hurt for me. I hurt for him. I hurt for us. I miss him so much.... I just want to reach out to him so bad right now. I just keep hoping with time b/c he's missing me so bad he can't help but want to work it out.... but logically, I know not to pin my hopes on that.