BoysStink Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Hey there this is my first post and have been looking for a place to discuss it for a long time now, I have even considered going to councling but that cost money and they always want you to come back so here it goes. I have been with my man 8 years this week, dating, living with each other for almost 2 years now and everything is going good. But I have issues at hand. When graduating collage I jumped right into a new job, the first day I started I met a man that I had an instant attraction to and sometimes I think he feels the same way. Just a thought but he might not. Could this be? We didn't even have to say anything to each other its like the chemistry was already there like a 6th sense. I have worked with him for 2 years now and my feelings for him have never left. I still live with my boyfriend but often wonder if I am happy with him or if I would be happier with the other man. My boyfriend is my first love since I was 16 and I enjoy spending time with him, he teaches me all kinds of things, our love life is not so much of an issue, its ok, we satisfy each other. But the other man in the equasion seems like he would be a better lover and more supportive. The kind that wants to be held or would hold me, hugs and kisses, and more of a romantic. I can even see myself having his kids and I don't even want children right now. My man hasnt done me any wrong, maybe I just want a better lover which my current bf is lacking a bit. He doesn't hold me, hug me, I have to ask for a kiss then he teases me, all in all that breaks my heart a little bit. I have told him about it but its like he just doesn't get it. I cannot imagin getting rid of him because I know if I did he probably wouldn't want me in his life ever again, and the thought of him being with another woman makes me sick to my stomach, and never having him around and seeing him every day would break my heart. The man I meet at work isn't married, he has a girlfriend as well but it never seems to be for very long. WHich I dont see a problem with because I get along with him so well, better than most of my male friends. I have wished for this crush, obsession, lust for another, mayber even being in love with another would go away but I just cant seem to do it. I've tried to stop thinking about him in such ways for almost a year now and it just doesn't seem to stop. Even if I take vacation and am not around him for days I am always still thinking about him. Is there any way around this or to know if he feels the same way? That may make me feel better or make matters worse. I just don't know what to do when I think about him while my boyfriend is right next to me. And I don't have that guilty feeling because I have not done anything wrong. Its just a crush right?
carhill Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 So you're 24 and wondering if there is something better out there....sounds fine. You're not married, so just break up with your boyfriend and go find it. Let me tell you I've done the thinking of someone else when I'm with my wife bit and trust me when I tell you it's very unhealthy for a marriage, or any LTR for that matter. It's much more than a crush if you're having those kinds of reactions. IMO, what you're feeling is perfectly normal. Be honest with your boyfriend. I think, after all those years, he deserves that much, don't you? Oh, adding, MC is exactly what gave me the above perspective about what healthy relationships are. Counseling is a good thing. A good counselor/psychologist is not a salesperson. They're there to help you when you need/want it. Yes, it is/can be expensive, but mental and emotional health is a valuable asset, IMO. Good luck!
Author BoysStink Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 Thanks for the feed back carhill, but its easier said than done. I have been pondering moving out on my own for a while now but its like there is no reason to leave except for me being gaga over some guy from work. Which if I moved and pursued him, then its looking for a new job and in this state a CAD job is not that easy to find.
carhill Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Yes, it's not easy, trust me, I know. I've got my life's work and our family estate tied up in the process, not to mention my emotional/mental health. It's very hard. Sometimes you have to make hard decisions. I've had many infatuations/crushes over the years. Generally, a good indicator is peak thoughts and butterflies when around the person and lesser or no amounts when away, especially for distance/time. Anyone who thinks of someone else while with their spouse/SO is a lot more than gaga IMO, and I've been a lot more than gaga. You're asking questions; questions about your life, your feelings, your love for your BF. He needs to hear those questions. He should be your best friend as well as lover; if he's not, or you don't see him that way anymore, he needs to know that information. Would you not want to be similarly informed if he was having such feelings? BTW, in my case, my wife knows the person and has always known how I felt about her, even before we got married. They actually get on pretty well, much better than either do with me See, when you gain a healthy perspective, humor is possible. I've let go of those feelings, ones I've had for longer than you've been alive. OK, if you're just gaga, turn it off and refocus on your BF. Go NC with the person and block all thoughts of him out of your head. Try it for a month and see how it goes. It's not as easy as it sounds
Author BoysStink Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 You say your pretty close with your wife and she knows how you feel / felt about the other woman, in my case if I shared some of the same feelings with my BF at one time, it was a similar situation and he fliped out and lost trust in me. Which I cant blame him and I know it was my falt that I lost his trust, even though I did nothing wrong. But how can you say go for it when the one you want to be with is somewhere else and your wife gets along with her? Im confused at how life must go for you. How does your wife cope having this thought in the back of her mind?
Mr. Lucky Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 But the other man in the equasion seems like he would be a better lover and more supportive. The kind that wants to be held or would hold me, hugs and kisses, and more of a romantic. I can even see myself having his kids and I don't even want children right now. How do you know what kind of lover or father he would be ? Mr. Lucky
Author BoysStink Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 You can tell by the way they act on a dailly basis, their patience, how they talk, their body language. There is more to know about a person than just taking to them actions, especially fascial expresions speak louder than words. I already know that he would want to be a father as well and he comes from a loving family that is still strong. Family history can be a key factor in knowing a person inside and out such as morals, vallues, attitude, disapline, etc....Other than that I would have no clue what type of anything he would be besides what I know and see of him right now. With my current bf I would be scared to have his child due to his actions. Playing nintendo and getting mad at the game like a 3 year old tells a lot about your character no matter how mature you think you are, especially to a woman that would even consider having kids.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 I cannot imagin getting rid of him because I know if I did he probably wouldn't want me in his life ever again, and the thought of him being with another woman makes me sick to my stomach, This right here stood out to me in your post. This is a very, very bad reason to stay in a relationship that isn't working. Yours isn't working, because if it was, you wouldn't be crushing on this other man. And believe me hon, men often appear much better in our minds than they are when we've got them in our home. You're young, if I've got the math right, you've been with bf since you were 16. You owe it to yourself to not just stay somewhere because it's what you've always done. Get on out there and date! Date this man you're crushing on, date the neighbor, date the nice boy you see every morning at Starbucks.
Rorocher Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 2 years is a long time to nurse a crush but then again, when you are around the person a lot of the time, the flame doesn't really have room to burn out. I'm generally against leaving a good stable relationship for greener pastures, i.e., someone else who you THINK will be better. It's one thing if you're leaving because the relationship itself has run its course. Until you deal with a person intimately, day in, day out, you don't know what kind of boyfriend or father they will be. We all tend to look good from a distance. But you have been with your boyfriend for a long time, crucial maturing years of your life to boot, perhaps, you need to spread your wings and this coworker crush is an indication that it's time to be on your own, experience life and grow up some more before finally picking someone to settle down with. Is it just a crush? do you want to take the chance to find out? You're young, why not?
KravJeff Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 As emotionally difficult as this is, the answer is really very simple. If you plan to spend your life with your boyfriend, you absolutely have to get another job. If not, you owe it to him to tell him what is happening, and cut him loose to find someone who does want to spend their life with him (or whatever he wants to do). Keep in mind that you're young, inexperienced and undoubtedly naive in "the ways of the world" ... I don't mean this to be offensive; the fact that you're even asking the question, on the internet, speaks volumes - It is what it is. So - Be prepared - It's highly unlikely you'll leave this secure relationship for another one. You may have great sex - Maybe even a lasting relationship, but eventually things cool off - The grass is rarely, if ever, truly greener once you've mowed it a few times ... Then your decision to leave your childhood sweetheart, even if it's the right decision, will haunt you. $0.02
KravJeff Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Date this man you're crushing on, date the neighbor, date the nice boy you see every morning at Starbucks. This from the woman who just about castrated her husband for "raping" her ...
Author BoysStink Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 Thank you all for your help, opinions and encouragement with whatever I would decide to do. It's been 6 years since any response and think of this thread often and how I should update it in case someone else stumbles upon it wondering what ever happened. So here goes......I never left my man, were still together, engaged and life couldn't be sweeter. I come from a family strong with alcoholism so to make decisions in my life with those people behind me, makes decisions that much more difficult to accomplish, with the feelings of 'do I even know what's in front of me?' & 'do I really know what's going on?' At the time I first posted this, I didn't. I ended up getting over the guy at work by continuing to watch him and realize what he's really like. I can't be with someone from a extreme, close knit loving family life anyway, it just wouldn't work for me, too weird and change of pace for me to the point where they prob wouldn't understand me. I'd be more stable with someone who came from some kind of devastation/hurt in their life. Unfortunately, a short time later, I ended up getting another crush on someone completely different. The butterflies and excitement of meeting someone new is all too real and intense, sometimes intuitions in that sense are just human nature, since we aren't a completely monogamous species. Months later, I got so sick of getting intense crushes on people I repented my soul to god, and I'm not claiming Christianity, just FYI. I begged for forgiveness, mercy and strength to overcome these roller-coaster feelings. I bawled and let my heart fall into it not knowing I was really repenting. I wished for the most happiness and love for my bf as I don't want anything for him more than to be happy and loved unconditionally. And just like that, it happened, I was cured and things instantly started to get better for me, for us. Somehow I'd like to believe it was because I opened my heart to god, or whatever is out there, for what was good and what was right. It was more my own problem than his, not so much due to the fact that I hadn't gone on dates with others but just the lust and wondering if the pastures were really greener. Well they're not! If you've spent years with someone and still love them but question it, then give yourself some time to figure it out. Talk with friends about it, yourself, spill it in a journal and even muster up the courage to talk to your significant other about it if you can, no matter how hard. Not too many people spend their entire love life with one partner these days, which was even more encouraging to stay. I've seen people get lost in letting their high school sweetheart go, or even the little boy/girl you spent your whole life with just to hear them talk about it years later wishing they knew what would of happened, what could of been if they just tried with their might to be there for that person whole heartedly. I am constantly reminded by my memories of what I really wanted. It takes me back to when I was 5 and all i ever wanted was a man to love and a pussy cat. All the hoping and dreaming came true not even realizing that it did. By doing so, I'm the luckiest person in the world and my childhood dreams came true without even really seeing it till I focused. Best of luck to anyone out there in the same boat and best of luck to figuring it out. And remember you are your own best friend, you must talk things through, even if it's just with yourself. 3
BearMox Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 ..... I ended up getting over the guy at work by continuing to watch him and realize what he's really like. I can't be with someone from a extreme, close knit loving family life anyway, it just wouldn't work for me, too weird and change of pace for me to the point where they prob wouldn't understand me. I'd be more stable with someone who came from some kind of devastation/hurt in their life. Unfortunately, a short time later, I ended up getting another crush That probably wasn't easy at the time! Good job proving that the grass isn't greener! So much of our happiness in our relationships isn't external, but internal, tied to our perspective. Why do we spend so much of our [younger years in] life evaluating people based on whether they are good mate? Its exhausting, no? tl;dr Crush wasn't better than my current LTR, moved on. What is stopping us from burning all bridges and backup plans and investing everything into our significant like two survivors stranded on an island?
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