gummybear Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 I hope you all don't mind this long story but I'd appreciate insight. If you all remember, I met this guy online about 1.5 months ago and then I told him I had to move away about 2 weeks into dating him. He was surprisingly more devastated than I'd imagine and he even suggested we do long distance. I basically told him 'no way' because we barely knew each other. Well we remained 'friends' after that but we were really close and we talked all the time and started walking with arms around each other and eventually even started kissing. I guess I got more attached and well I eventually moved away (1 hour plane ride) about 3 weeks after I told him. Even after I moved away, we talked alot (2 hours phone calls every other day or so and constant IMs daily). I guess I started to really miss him. Then he asked again if I'd consider long distance again...and since I got more attached, I said 'I dont know.' He got super excited over that. He insisted he fly here to my city to see me and I told him 'I don't know' is not 'yes'...and I told him he shouldn't have his hopes up high. He said 'i don't know' is alot better then a 'no' though and he said he wanted to see me regardless even as just friends. So last week he flew here and Friday night he asked me straight out if I wanted to do long distance...and I guess I was moved by how much effort he put into us (he even gave me a $200 necklace as a goodbye present before I moved away and at the time we were only friends). Under the pressure I said 'yes' and he was soooo happy. We spent all Saturday together and I just felt like something was not right...I felt alot of pressure because he implied I should tell my parents about us (but my parents are very conservative and they will not like that we are mixed couple), and he already asked me how long we should date before he moves here!. Plus talking to him on the phone is so different because now that I see him in person again, the fact that I dont find him to be that physically attractive hit me again (I was even starting to feel a bit disgusted by him for the first time...probably because for the first time it hit me that he is now my bf). But the main reason it wasn't working for me is because honestly while I feel that I myself can accept him (ie I would be super happy if it was just me and him on an island), I am embarrassed to show him off to my friends and family because of the way he looks . I feel so guilty for feeling this way and so superficial but I can't help it. Saturday night we got physically intimate for the first time (though no sex cuz he did not bring protection) and well, his skinniness really really hit me. Normally when we stand next to each other he seems bigger than me cuz he is 7 inches taller than me (he is 5'10 and 135 pounds and I'm 5'3 and 115 pounds). But when we are on the bed, I seriously feel like I'm hugging a kid or a girl as opposed to a man. It felt so weird. He's the only super skinny guy I've ever dated. The next morning, maybe he sensed something was wrong though I tried my best to hide it, and he asked me what I was thinking and I said 'nothing' and he kept insisting and asked if i was having second thoughts and I couldn't lie so I said yes. He looked devastated . We parted ways and are no longer together. I honetly was gonna try for a few more weeks to see if I'd get over his skinniness but he asked me directly so I felt I had to choice but to tell him. He's really a good guy but did I screw up in that I never should of dated him in the first place? I don't mind his looks as much as I mind what my friends/parents would think. I mean I miss him and I still do right now. It's like in that movie where Christina Ricci falls in love with an outkast and is ashamed of it. But I guess if I didn't try, I would always regret it and think 'what if' whereas now I guess at least I know for sure that I can't accept it, but unfortunately it was at the expense of his feelings. Is that selfish of me? Could I have done something different?
You'reasian Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 5'10" and 135 is thin. Hmmm...is he a marathon runner, triathlete or some kind of extreme athlete? Guys who are into those kinds of things tend to be really lean. You can suggest to your man that you'd like to feed him. Get him to bulk up a little? Tell him he looks good with a little weight. I feel bad for your bf and again, when I read posts like this I am happy that my gf is confident enough to show my skinny, ugly @ss around, especially to her family and friends. I must have a great personality.....or atleast when I get a cup of coffee in me ;-)
Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 well.......hmmm...I have dated skinnny guys and really muscular guys. I will tell you this..looks count to a degree, and u have to have an attraction to someone if hes your BF. If he treats you good, whats wrong with taking things slow, u guys can talk and see each other sometimes??? If you are really regretting your decision, call him up and tell him how u feel.
Author gummybear Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 Thanks for the replies so far. One thing that bothered me alot about being physically intimate with him, is that his hip bones hurt my thighs alot! Plus I felt very grossed out and I feel bad about it. Another thing that equally grosses me out is that he burps alot and he can't seem to help it. Plus for some reason that weekend I saw him he had some acne around his mouth area (which grossed me out alot having to kiss him). It was like all of this just hit me that weekend and I just haven't been so grossed out before by a bf. And funny thing is I was starting to miss him past 2 days but while writing this it reminded me why I broke up with him. As of now, I don't regret my decision. What bothered me was he told me afterward he felt I was inconsiderate of his feelings because I said yes to being with him on Friday only to take it back 2 days later. I guess that is why I felt like maybe I never should of said yes in the first place, but then at the time I said yes I did mean it. Just that ofcourse the physical intimancy, etc can only come after we got together and only then did I see that I cant accept it. He's actually been super skinny all his life (he's not an athlete, just has an office job).
Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 O I thought u sounded like u were regretting your decision. Well, cut your losses and move on, you weren't into him, so find a guy you are into. And as long as u apologized to this guy if u did something wrong, thats all u can do.
Shygirl15 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Thanks for the replies so far. One thing that bothered me alot about being physically intimate with him, is that his hip bones hurt my thighs alot! See, this is number 1 reason why I never date skinny guys. But when we are on the bed, I seriously feel like I'm hugging a kid or a girl as opposed to a man. It felt so weird. No. 2 reason as to why I never date skinny guys. No. 3 reason (though not mentioned in your post) is the 'package'. I can never imagine skinny guys to have big, or even an average package. So how did he do in that area? You shouldn't feel so bad about it though. It's okay to have personal preferences you're comfortable with.
Author gummybear Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 I know I'm not that into him, but why then is it that I still miss him and have urges to IM him? What is wrong with me?!?! Is this normal?
paddington bear Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 urge is because you slept with him...the amount of guys who I knew I wasn't attracted to either physically or mentally who I had these contact urges with...only happens after you've slept with them. We get that damn bonding hormone released after sex, which men don't, hence they tend to be able to walk away from sex far more easily than us.
katiegirl Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 you thought you were attracted, but you're not. happens all the time! he'll get over you just fine.
likestolaugh Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 as a skinny guy who has acne on my back, this has been one of my worries... but yeah, you just have to meet the right person (and I have). Clearly this guy isn't right for you... maybe he's better off as just a friend. Although obviously I don't think he'd ever see you that way...
CommitmentPhobe Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 I basically told him 'no way' started walking with arms around each other and eventually even started kissing. So much for your "no way" So last week he flew here How much did that cost? (he even gave me a $200 necklace as a goodbye present Yeah and you just had to accept it. Given it back yet? I dont find him to be that physically attractive hit me again etc. etc. etc. You like the guy chasing round after you giving you expensive presents yada yada yada. You're not the least bit interested in him. Grow up will you.
likestolaugh Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 and incidentally... do you consider yourself to be quite the catch physically? If so, fine. If not, then....
btc8 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 So much for your "no way" How much did that cost? Yeah and you just had to accept it. Given it back yet? etc. etc. etc. You like the guy chasing round after you giving you expensive presents yada yada yada. You're not the least bit interested in him. Grow up will you. I'd have to agree; your actions do not match what you described you felt. You have to deal with the consequences of you leading someone on (as unwillingly or as unknowningly as you may have actually done) will come back and hit you (aka, karma).
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