VAmama Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 I talked to my ex last night. I had called him Monday after I saw the myspace page to arrange to get my things from him (he changed his relationship status and moved me to the last of his friends 8 days post break-up with NC). He had called me back Monday, but I was feeling too emotional, so I didn't answer. Then he called again last night and I didn't hear the phone. But I called back when I got the message..... I had initiated the communication, so I didn't want him to think I was avoiding him. We talked for an hour. He's taking this as bad as I am, which hurts, b/c I don't understand why two people who love each other so much and want to be together can't work this out. He said he is very sad, and hurting, and I am his best friend, and he doesn't know what to do with himself now. I told him about I how hurt I was about the changes on his myspace page (I think I have a prior thread about this on Second Chances- I didn't mention that I totally broke down over it and called my son's father for help), and he told me how much it hurt him to hear that it hurt me, b/c it wasn't his intentions at all, that he was just trying to deal with the reality of the situation. I could tell in his voice how much he was hurting, and he was getting sniffly a couple times while we were talking... He was.... softer than he was the night we broke up. He admitted it wasn't that he didn't like my son... that he did, when he was behaving. But that he had a very low tolerance for when my son misbehaves, and it is making him uphappy. That it started around Xmas. And right now, he said he'd rather be sad than unhappy. He didn't feel it was fair to keep this going to the day when he just can't do it anymore... He told me he was sorry he was so blunt the other night, but he wanted me to understand how bad this was all making him feel. At one point I tried to lighten up the conversation about a movie that just came out; if he saw it. He sounded so sad... that he could barely talk about it with me. I pushed hard to see if he would consider going to talk to someone with me (a counselor) about his feelings and what we could do; I told him that if he's been brooding too much on this, he's just making it worse in his head. I told him if we think a certain way, it's how we're going to feel about something; if we think negatively on a subject, we're going to feel negative about it too. I told him that clearly what we had been doing about the issue wasn't working, and maybe we just needed to take a new tactic, and I thought our relationship was worth it. I told him if it wasn't this problem, it was just going to be another relationship with another problem. He listened, and took his time in responding, but each time he responded he said no, he didn't think he could. He wishes he could. He knows himself and how he feels and he doesn't think it will change; that as much as he appreciated what I was saying, but he felt he was past the point of wanting to care to try. I told him I was disappointed with him; that I thought he was a better person than this, that he was stronger. He told me it was okay to feel that way. I laughed and said I wasn't looking for his approval on my feeling that way. I was trying to set up to get my things from him Labor Day weekend, but he's going away to his parents ( a surprise visit; they don't know he's coming). That told me how much this break-up is eating at him..... he was just up there not even a month ago, so to return so quickly means he's really feeling insecure and needs to get somewhere that he feels loved. So, in the end, I just ended the call, saying we were just talking in circles and the conversation was going nowhere. I told him I would be in touch after labor day to arrange to get my things. And that was all..... Intitially he just wanted me to come over Labor day weekend while he was gone and get my things, but I said no, I wanted to be able to say goodbye to him, b/c I didn't feel like I had that chance last week, I was so numb as it hit me we were breaking-up. And he just said okay. In some ways I feel better after the call, and other ways, I feel so much worse. I feel better, cause I was doubting he was hurting, and he very, very, very clearly is, so I know this isn't something he wants either. But I don't feel better either, b/c he's still not willing to work on the issue. I just can't make heads or tails out of this. I know I should just cut my losses and try to move on and don't even attempt to hold out for hope... but the other part of me says that if we both love each other and are hurting this bad, there is hope this can work someday. Love will find a way. I'm just at a loss for what to do. So, that's it. I didn't sleep a whole lot last night, as this was clearly on my mind (day 10 of less than 4 hours of sleep) . I just don't know how I'm going to move on; I love him so much and he loves me, and we know we're perfect for each other. We are both clearly suffering. We should be together, we should be able to work through this. I have so many friends who have gone through so much worse, and still ended up together somehow..... I felt like at times, I almost had him convinced last night, but he's stubborn and stuck to his guns..... At this point, I don't know if it's better to go NC on him or LC. I didn't feel any worse about our conversation last night than I did before it, but it also didn't make me feel any better either. I know NC is probably better for me, will help me to move on and heal quicker if things really do not work out....and maybe, just maybe, might help him to realize how much he misses me in his life and wants me in it. But the other end of me says no... NC just makes it easier to adjust to the break-up. If I go for LC, at least he still knows I care and I know he cares, we're maintaining our bond, and I'm leaving the door open for him if/when he's ready. I need to be the strong party here, be the strength to his weakness, and fight for our relationship and what I believe in. I just don't know what to do here. Insight? Advice?
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