Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Ok,I am thinking about maybe taking a break or telling my BF I don't think we should continue this relationship. He lives an hour from me, so we don't see each other too often, usually once during the week and a day on the weekend. This has been fine with me until lately and I told him I think we should spend more time together. He has made a comment about not planning his weekends around mine anymore. I have 2 kids and every other weekend free, is it too much to ask to make plans with me one of those nights??? But ever since we started to date, we have always made time for each other, it has never been an issue. He has driven to see me even when he was really tired from travelling, etc...SO he has made an effort. So, anyway I have been trying to talk to him about this telling him my feelings, he seems to care asking what he can do to make things work better, etc...He has even told me he knows I need more attention and we should talk on the phone more. BUT he has yet to do this! He asks what I need and if we can't see each other more, I don't see the harm in one phonecall a day, is that too much to ask??? He tells me this is how dating is....yesterday we texted back and forht a few times and that was that. He didnt even call to ask how my day was, nothing. Is this normal?? I have been talking to him about this a lot to the point he's telling me to relax and Im starting to make him not interested. So I said if you're not interested or don't care about my feelings then we dont have to do this, I dont want to be with someone not into me or not caring about my feelings. Im really close to ending this, but I want to make the right decision. :(The only thing is when we are together, we have a great time, we have never argued in 4 months when we are together.
Author Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 Im really torn about this....does anyone have an input?
Shygirl15 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 He has even told me he knows I need more attention and we should talk on the phone more. BUT he has yet to do this! He asks what I need and if we can't see each other more, I don't see the harm in one phonecall a day, is that too much to ask??? He tells me this is how dating is....yesterday we texted back and forht a few times and that was that. He didnt even call to ask how my day was, nothing. Is this normal?? Well, I'm not in the best state of mind as you know, but I know for sure that's not normal. I don't understand what he meant by what I have bolded above; did he mean not seeing each other is how dating is? I don't know, but people who are interested in other people don't act that way. You sound like you nag him a lot, though.
Author Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 He just said he has mde huge efforts to see me, we live an hour from each other. No, he just said we cant see each other as much as we both would like being the distance between us and I have 2 young children, I can't travel to see him when I have my kids during the week. He says dating is texting a few times a day back and forth and talking on the phone. It's ok for him if we don't talk for a whole day, he says its no big deal, but it is a big deal to me. I just recently started to nag and I have been doing it too much, I am just getting really annoyed by how things are going. I really don't want things to end, I like him and we have a great time together. We use to communicate really well, but it seems the past few weeks with me nagging and him getting irritated, things are going downhill. He is coming over tonight, so I guess we will see how it goes. I just have an awful feeling and not sure if I want to live like this anymore
whichwayisup Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 It depends, it seems you want the dating to turn into a real relationship, to be included more in eachothers lives, but he doesn't seem to want that. I guess at the 4 month mark, it's time to decide to end it or take it to the next level.
Author Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 I think you're right. I think I want more from him and he asks me what I want and what I need and what can he do to help?? So, it's not like he's telling me he doesnt want more. We are exclusive, we make time for each other, neither of us want to date anyone else. I mean, we do talk or text daily, IM just feeling insecure with how things are with him right now and I don't know why. The more I think about it, this relationship is exactly how he wants it and hardly anything that I want. Trust me Im not a selfish person at ALL, but a lot of it seems to be on his terms. He texts when he wants to, talks on the phone when he wants. I don't want to keep bringing things up to him like this, we are both getting annoyed. I may try to talk to him tonight face to face when he comes over, I really don't know what to do. Like I said things between us have been really good, we have always gotten along, we don't fight. Im just confused
Shygirl15 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Well, if you don't want things to end you may want to stop nagging him and start moving at his pace. 1 hour apart is a lot of commuting though. My future ex-boyfriend lives about 1 hour from me, see each other once a week but we speak on the phone everyday, that way I don't feel like we miss out much. Both of you need to put some efforts on this; not every situation has to end by people breaking up, you know.
Author Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 Thanx Shygirl. I know, I didnt nag him at all yesterday. I dont see it at nagging, I see it as expressing my feelings to him and showing him I do care. He sees it as nagging. I am trying to move at his pace, I respect when he has other plans with friends, his family, whatever. Im not trying to end this, I want it to work because we are compatible. I have children that are young, he is EXTREMELY understanding about that, its hard to find a guy that accepts my situation And honestly, I dont have a lot of free time either. I really hope this works out, he is a good friend and I would be heartbroken if we no longer talked.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 He didnt even call to ask how my day was, nothing. Is this normal?? Not sure if it's normal, but it would be unacceptable to me. I was long-distance with my boyfriend till he moved here 8 months ago, and since we got together, we have spoken on the phone every single day. Sometimes it's hours; sometimes it's just 10 minutes. But we never go a day without talking, at least to ask how each other's day was. I don't think you're nagging at all. You have completely reasonable needs that are not being met. But what you need to do is stop the back and forth and lay down your bottom line. Decide exactly what you want, state it clearly, give him a timeframe, and do not bend.
Author Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 Not sure if it's normal, but it would be unacceptable to me. I was long-distance with my boyfriend till he moved here 8 months ago, and since we got together, we have spoken on the phone every single day. Sometimes it's hours; sometimes it's just 10 minutes. But we never go a day without talking, at least to ask how each other's day was. I don't think you're nagging at all. You have completely reasonable needs that are not being met. But what you need to do is stop the back and forth and lay down your bottom line. Decide exactly what you want, state it clearly, give him a timeframe, and do not bend. Ok, So how do I go about giving a timeframe without seeming like Im demanding and being possessive? He needs to know I'm serious. When we were together he asks if I would really let this little stuff get to me? its just a phone calll or text message.....I dont want to come off nagging anymore, any suggesstions???
AriaIncognito Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Personally, I think he's not willing to put forth the effort that you need. Case in point, when I started seeing my bf, he and I would talk maybe once or twice during the week, and we'd see eachother 1 day over the weekend. While this was OK, it was less than I wanted, because when I'm falling for someone, I pretty much always want to see them or hear from them. I told him how I was feeling, and he took it into account and he then started calling me like, every other day. I took this as a good sign, because it meant he was willing to put forth the effort that I needed. Now, at the full fledged "exclusive" title, he contacts me pretty much daily. I think you need to make your needs known, and if they aren't being met, you need to consider finding someone who will meet them. I don't think you're being irrational in wanting more time from him, it's not like you're asking him to drive the hour to come see you during the week. Phone calls aren't hard to make and aren't much to ask for, IMHO. Sure, there will be some days where you can't call/talk, but that should be less often than the days you could.
BUTTAFLYH Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 You've only been dating him for four months. I would suggest not putting any pressure on him about the time he can give. This is keeping in mind of course that you really feel like he is someone you could be with long term. Now, if you don't see him in your future, then I would suggest moving on. Guys don't always move at the same pace we do. It's really all about what you feel in your gut about the situation. Do you feel he is a good guy? Sincere? Honest? Good intentions? If you checked yes to all of those questions, then I would just tell him one more time from the heart what you need from him and make sure not to come off critical, and let him know why you feel the way you do, not just that you want it. It's not about him having his way vs. you having yours, it could be that you're both just in two different places, and that's ok. But that also means that someone has to compromise more than the other. It doesn't mean that what you want will never happen. So, you have to ask yourself is he worth it to you? I hope it all works out for you.
oceangrl Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 I don't know if this will help, but in the first 4 months of dating my bf, he would mostly text too. He wouldn't call every day either. After about a year he made it a habit of calling me everyday, because we were in a relationship, not just dating anymore. Like others have said, I think you should let him set the pace. It depends on how patient you're willing to be and how much you really want to be with him. The more you talk to him about problems (like not calling enough) the more resistant he'll be to change. I think it'd be better if you don't talk to him about your feelings because it shows him how your emotions are dependent on his actions. He'll pick up on these indirect messages of insecurity from your body language. Thats why he said the arguments are killing his interest. These problems weren't an issue early on because many people flood their minds with positive thoughts early on when they start to date someone new--it feels fresh. I think these thoughts helped you look past the insecurities that might have carried through from your previous relationships (but in reality they were always there) And now that things aren't as perfect...it sets off an alarm... and your past insecurities take over. I think thats why some people constantly jump from one relationship to another because the newness they feel drowns out their insecurities. The more you focus on the negatives, the more it will focus on you--it'll control you. When you talk him through these negative thoughts, it rubs off on him. He'll start to feel what you feel. Its like watching a really good actor in a sad movie, you cry when they cry....sometimes you just cant help it! Their emotions rub off on you. You are still in the early few months of dating him, don't let a lack of calling affect your emotions and body language. Make an effort to be thankful that he does text. Tell him you appreciate that he spends the time to drive to see you. Tell him you're happy when you get the chance to hear from him. You can't control him, you can only control your own emotions.
BUTTAFLYH Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 I don't know if this will help, but in the first 4 months of dating my bf, he would mostly text too. He wouldn't call every day either. After about a year he made it a habit of calling me everyday, because we were in a relationship, not just dating anymore. Like others have said, I think you should let him set the pace. It depends on how patient you're willing to be and how much you really want to be with him. The more you talk to him about problems (like not calling enough) the more resistant he'll be to change. I think it'd be better if you don't talk to him about your feelings because it shows him how your emotions are dependent on his actions. He'll pick up on these indirect messages of insecurity from your body language. Thats why he said the arguments are killing his interest. These problems weren't an issue early on because many people flood their minds with positive thoughts early on when they start to date someone new--it feels fresh. I think these thoughts helped you look past the insecurities that might have carried through from your previous relationships (but in reality they were always there) And now that things aren't as perfect...it sets off an alarm... and your past insecurities take over. I think thats why some people constantly jump from one relationship to another because the newness they feel drowns out their insecurities. The more you focus on the negatives, the more it will focus on you--it'll control you. When you talk him through these negative thoughts, it rubs off on him. He'll start to feel what you feel. Its like watching a really good actor in a sad movie, you cry when they cry....sometimes you just cant help it! Their emotions rub off on you. You are still in the early few months of dating him, don't let a lack of calling affect your emotions and body language. Make an effort to be thankful that he does text. Tell him you appreciate that he spends the time to drive to see you. Tell him you're happy when you get the chance to hear from him. You can't control him, you can only control your own emotions. You hit the nail on the head!!! Take this advice as well if you think he's a keeper. I know from experience. I:)'m going through a situation right now, not exactly like yours OP, but close enough. And believe me, what oceangrl said is so true, they look at it as their actions dictating our emotions and that turns them off b/c then they start to feel we're not independant and all that crap, which is not true, but that's how it translates to men. So good luck sweetie!
Author Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 Not sure if it's normal, but it would be unacceptable to me. I was long-distance with my boyfriend till he moved here 8 months ago, and since we got together, we have spoken on the phone every single day. Sometimes it's hours; sometimes it's just 10 minutes. But we never go a day without talking, at least to ask how each other's day was. I don't think you're nagging at all. You have completely reasonable needs that are not being met. But what you need to do is stop the back and forth and lay down your bottom line. Decide exactly what you want, state it clearly, give him a timeframe, and do not bend. Personally, I think he's not willing to put forth the effort that you need. Case in point, when I started seeing my bf, he and I would talk maybe once or twice during the week, and we'd see eachother 1 day over the weekend. While this was OK, it was less than I wanted, because when I'm falling for someone, I pretty much always want to see them or hear from them. I told him how I was feeling, and he took it into account and he then started calling me like, every other day. I took this as a good sign, because it meant he was willing to put forth the effort that I needed. Now, at the full fledged "exclusive" title, he contacts me pretty much daily. I think you need to make your needs known, and if they aren't being met, you need to consider finding someone who will meet them. I don't think you're being irrational in wanting more time from him, it's not like you're asking him to drive the hour to come see you during the week. Phone calls aren't hard to make and aren't much to ask for, IMHO. Sure, there will be some days where you can't call/talk, but that should be less often than the days you could. Ok, maybe I should've been a little clearer...We either talk or text everyday. There hasn't been one day where we haven't communicated, so I really think Im overreacting in a way. He even mentioned to me that he has never talked to a girl as much as he has talked to me and he calls and sends me texts because he knows I want him to do it. He said he looks at his texts messages and some days we text 60 times back and forth. So, damn, maybe I need to chill........if I havent already ruined things!
Author Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 You've only been dating him for four months. I would suggest not putting any pressure on him about the time he can give. This is keeping in mind of course that you really feel like he is someone you could be with long term. Now, if you don't see him in your future, then I would suggest moving on. Guys don't always move at the same pace we do. It's really all about what you feel in your gut about the situation. Do you feel he is a good guy? Sincere? Honest? Good intentions? If you checked yes to all of those questions, then I would just tell him one more time from the heart what you need from him and make sure not to come off critical, and let him know why you feel the way you do, not just that you want it. It's not about him having his way vs. you having yours, it could be that you're both just in two different places, and that's ok. But that also means that someone has to compromise more than the other. It doesn't mean that what you want will never happen. So, you have to ask yourself is he worth it to you? I hope it all works out for you. Thanx 4 the advice! No, I havent put any pressure on him about the time he has for me. Like I said I have young children, I work part-time and I'm in school, so I don't have too much time either. I mean he has gone out with his friends with his family, I have no desire to say one word or try to control those things. As long as he can make some time for me, I am grateful and I have told him this, so he knows. I have put pressure on him about calling or texting and he even told me I can't put this pressure on him anymore. Yes, he is honest, sincere, he has gone out of his way for me, he understands me being a single mom, he doesnt go out to clubs and do stupid things, etc...And I think he does have good intentions. We have had a lot of good times together. And like I said when we are together, we have NEVER EVER gotten into a fight, argument, nothing, it's absolutely fine, he has even commented to me about it. There was one time where he left my house abruptly and it gave me a really bad feeling. I asked him about it and he was going to turn his car around after driving a half hour and stay the night with me because he felt soo bad. He then drove up the next night to see me because he felt bad. Thats 4 hours of driving in 2 days to just spend a few hours with me. Yes, right now he is worth it to me, if things don't work out as us dating, I would really hope we could be friends someday. He says everything is fine and he likes our relationship and he can deal with these little problems, and it's nothing major. I really hope it can work out on some way, Im excited to see him tonight!
Author Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 I don't know if this will help, but in the first 4 months of dating my bf, he would mostly text too. He wouldn't call every day either. After about a year he made it a habit of calling me everyday, because we were in a relationship, not just dating anymore. Like others have said, I think you should let him set the pace. It depends on how patient you're willing to be and how much you really want to be with him. The more you talk to him about problems (like not calling enough) the more resistant he'll be to change. I think it'd be better if you don't talk to him about your feelings because it shows him how your emotions are dependent on his actions. He'll pick up on these indirect messages of insecurity from your body language. Thats why he said the arguments are killing his interest. These problems weren't an issue early on because many people flood their minds with positive thoughts early on when they start to date someone new--it feels fresh. I think these thoughts helped you look past the insecurities that might have carried through from your previous relationships (but in reality they were always there) And now that things aren't as perfect...it sets off an alarm... and your past insecurities take over. I think thats why some people constantly jump from one relationship to another because the newness they feel drowns out their insecurities. The more you focus on the negatives, the more it will focus on you--it'll control you. When you talk him through these negative thoughts, it rubs off on him. He'll start to feel what you feel. Its like watching a really good actor in a sad movie, you cry when they cry....sometimes you just cant help it! Their emotions rub off on you. You are still in the early few months of dating him, don't let a lack of calling affect your emotions and body language. Make an effort to be thankful that he does text. Tell him you appreciate that he spends the time to drive to see you. Tell him you're happy when you get the chance to hear from him. You can't control him, you can only control your own emotions. Thank you for taking the time to write this. I totally agree with everything you have said. I know I can start to become overbearing when I start to feel uncomfortable in a relationship. I start to become insecure and than I convince myself I am better single because I feel more secure, sounds wierd, but true! I do tell him how nice it is for him to drive and see me, there are times I couldnt believe he came after travelling all week for work. I have never once acted ungrateful and if one night he couldnt drive to see me I would totally understand. So, I am good with that. I think what I need is some reassurance and he is willing to give it to me. If he didn't want things to work out with me, he could've made up an excuse by now...the past 3 weeks have been a little shaky. And he even said whatever I needed to tell him, he has told me on many occassions. If I bring up a problem, he always has a solution to it he says we will do this....or this to make it work. So, I know he wants things to work. Im trying not to be soo negative, it's not even my personality to be negative and I don't rely on him for my own happiness. Im pretty independent, I have 2 kids, work part-time and I go to school. I just get undone with guys....Im really going to try though...we'll c what happens tonight when he comes over!
BUTTAFLYH Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 "I just get undone with guys....Im really going to try though...we'll c what happens tonight when he comes over!" You must let us know what happens tonight! And, no problem on the advice, I'm glad you're feeling more optimistic now.
Author Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 "I just get undone with guys....Im really going to try though...we'll c what happens tonight when he comes over!" You must let us know what happens tonight! And, no problem on the advice, I'm glad you're feeling more optimistic now. Yeah, I am, I guess there's no reason to be down, he is a great guy and he's been consistent. I was in a bad marriage for 5 years, it ended with him cheating, so I get undone when I start to have feelings for someone. I'm glad I found this guy because he actually understands that about me, he has been really patient. I will let u guys know what happens tonight, we always have a great time together, in more ways than one
Author Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 This is a very positive thread. I agree Shygirl....dating is about ups and downs, and some people don't get this. I know things dont have to be perfect with a guy and its never going to be that way. I admit I am one to run when problems arise, I feel I am better off alone and I will shut someone out of my life. I don't want to do this with this guy, its time for a change!! I hope you're feeling better about your situation,too, hon....Im sorry that happened that way, but whatever happens remember thats how it was meant to be and there are many great guys out there!!
Shygirl15 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 I agree Shygirl....dating is about ups and downs, and some people don't get this. I know things dont have to be perfect with a guy and its never going to be that way. I admit I am one to run when problems arise, I feel I am better off alone and I will shut someone out of my life. I don't want to do this with this guy, its time for a change!! I hope you're feeling better about your situation,too, hon....Im sorry that happened that way, but whatever happens remember thats how it was meant to be and there are many great guys out there!! Ah..well, what can I do. I'm happy though, at least one of us is going to improve her situation tonite..
merlin2 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 I can totally relate to what you're saying.Seems like you are getting feelings for him and the 'fight or flight' is kicking in.You are unconsciously looking for a reason to get out of this relationship, although in reality, when you think about it, this guy appears to be trying his hardest and is a good catch.Its still early days after 4 months, and as a single mum who works etc, if he was the one making demands, youd expect him to understand your situation.He sounds like a nice guy, and if you start chilling out, and stop analysing, you might find in time he will look forward to calling you more, teling you about his day etc.Once you become his best friend as well as his lover it will happen naturally.its natural you are wary about opening up yourself to someone and you are looking for warning signs.thats not a bad thing.But put your rational head on when these thoughts come into your mind, and try and take it one day at a time.My mistake was always comparing a new bf with the one before who called every day etc etc.No two people are the same, and no-one is perfect.the fact he doesnt call you constantly, but communicates in some way often shows hes not neurotic or insecure.Thats a good start.I have read a lot of threads on here, and your guy seems like a good 'un!
Author Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 I can totally relate to what you're saying.Seems like you are getting feelings for him and the 'fight or flight' is kicking in.You are unconsciously looking for a reason to get out of this relationship, although in reality, when you think about it, this guy appears to be trying his hardest and is a good catch.Its still early days after 4 months, and as a single mum who works etc, if he was the one making demands, youd expect him to understand your situation.He sounds like a nice guy, and if you start chilling out, and stop analysing, you might find in time he will look forward to calling you more, teling you about his day etc.Once you become his best friend as well as his lover it will happen naturally.its natural you are wary about opening up yourself to someone and you are looking for warning signs.thats not a bad thing.But put your rational head on when these thoughts come into your mind, and try and take it one day at a time.My mistake was always comparing a new bf with the one before who called every day etc etc.No two people are the same, and no-one is perfect.the fact he doesnt call you constantly, but communicates in some way often shows hes not neurotic or insecure.Thats a good start.I have read a lot of threads on here, and your guy seems like a good 'un! WOW!!!! you hit the nail RIGHT on the head. Actually, the things you have told me my BF has told me the exact same I have chilled out, given him the space, respect, and Ive been understanding and things are turning around. He has called me every day this week and texted. It is the fight or flight, Im looking for something wrong with him, he has told me I am trying to create problems so I can run from this situation. He is a great guy and he is proving to me he is willing to do anything to make this work out. Thanx 4 the advice!!
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