HiItsMe Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 ....the friend I'm seeing, says alot of her own female friends jump haphazardly into relationships with men, without thinking with their head and prefers to develop a friendship with a man first, then perhaps going from there. Not rush things. But there will come a time where I'll be expected to "make my move" by holding her hand your touching her intimately? If so, when shall I do this? I had some people tell me if I don't move QUICK enough, I won't get anywhere with her, and she'll think I'm not interested.
Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 After spending some time together and going out on a few dates, I think kissing or holding hands wouldn't be rushing things. No, from my past experience I prefer a guy to take things slow, when they are ALL over me and constantly calling or telling me how beautiful I am, etc...it really turns me off, it makes me lose interest because I don't trust or believe them. I think you will know when the time is right.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Is she the same girl that brought a date to singles' bowling? I really think you're her backburner. You should date other people.
Author HiItsMe Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 Is she the same girl that brought a date to singles' bowling? I really think you're her backburner. You should date other people. Nah, a good friend of mine told me that she was probably just weighing her options. I even asked him if I should question her on " the guy she brought to the bowling event" with her. He said, "No, don't worry about it....just go with the flow." I wanted to ask her, though, about her dating methods....MOST women say they only date one man at a time...even if it's NOT serious...due to having issues dating more than one guy at a time...just a policy of theirs. Other's like to date 2 or 3 at a time, see who is the better man, and when they start liking that one man, they stick with them. So should I ask her about her dating methods?
carhill Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 OP, make your move when it feels right to you. She's not the arbiter of your feelings. If she's not there, move on. This is a simple truth life experience has taught me. No healthy relationship can result from giving up who you are. If that means, after two dates where you feel closeness and chemistry, you show that with physical affection, that's who you are. If she doesn't feel it, or doesn't have the psychology where she shows it in a way which is valuable to you, then you are incompatible. I've drilled enough dry holes in my life and wasted time and emotion on them to pass this advice on to you. It doesn't matter if you're her backburner, her monkeybranch, her fallback plan. She's not bad; you're not bad; you're just currently incompatible. Could that change? Definitely. Acceptance
xpaperxcutx Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Nah, a good friend of mine told me that she was probably just weighing her options. I even asked him if I should question her on " the guy she brought to the bowling event" with her. He said, "No, don't worry about it....just go with the flow." I wanted to ask her, though, about her dating methods....MOST women say they only date one man at a time...even if it's NOT serious...due to having issues dating more than one guy at a time...just a policy of theirs. Other's like to date 2 or 3 at a time, see who is the better man, and when they start liking that one man, they stick with them. So should I ask her about her dating methods? Not really, because that just makes you come off as insecure. It's true that she's weighing her options, but most women wouldn't mix their dates together. Neither would they hold off on commitment unless they really put you last place. And she has done that with you. She's keeping you hanging on, even though she hasn't initiated anything on the definitive side that shows that you're at least in the running. I just don't think she warrants that much attention from you. What you need to do is not to put her in first place, but focus on other women as well. That way you'll get less attached.
Author HiItsMe Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 It doesn't matter if you're her backburner, her monkeybranch, her fallback plan. She's not bad; you're not bad; you're just currently incompatible. Could that change? Definitely. Acceptance Okay you confused me here. lol. You said all that, then you said we just aren't "Currently" compatible. Does that mean I shouldn't bother with her? I mean, we do plan on getting together again in a group setting to go biking (she offered me her bike to use). It's a "Biking Special Interest" group. And I took her for breakfast, and got a little one on one with her. ;-) Right now....it's up in the air, so we cannot say...right now....how we stand. I'll just enjoy her company and go with the flow. One time, when we were bowling, she was getting a thumb cramp, and I said, "Here, let me see your hand" and I massaged it...then she asked me to kiss it, so I did. ;-) Have to say if THAT's not a flirt, I don't kno wwhat it.....kinda caught me off guard there. lol I think alot of people should do this. Then when it "Feels" right, I'll make a move. :-) I really have no other women to focus on currently, my dating pool is pretty limited as it is. lol
xpaperxcutx Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Do you guys ever go on dates alone instead of all these group outings? I'm not saying that they're bad, but one on one alone time gives you more space to fully see if you guys have chemistry. No wonder you're at such a stagnant pace right now. In order to worm yourself into her life and for her to focus more on you, you need to stand out from all the other guys she's dating on the side.
Author HiItsMe Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 Do you guys ever go on dates alone instead of all these group outings? I'm not saying that they're bad, but one on one alone time gives you more space to fully see if you guys have chemistry. No wonder you're at such a stagnant pace right now. In order to worm yourself into her life and for her to focus more on you, you need to stand out from all the other guys she's dating on the side. Well, I'm part of a certain social group, and well, we know each other kind of like "Friends" on TV, big group, and we schedule stuff to go out, and sometimes THOSE friends invite THEIR friends and so on. I got her number earlier, and she said, let me know when another party or function comes up. She also stated that we could go alone or these scheduled functions. Believe me I KNOW people who do this method, and had flourishing relationships by starting off in a GROUP setting, in fact most people recommend it, less pressure that way. I told her I was on my way to go bowling, and she wanted to come...at the END of the evening, I asked her to breakfast....so we had some one on one time there. So there's a date in itself. I heard women mostly like to invite guys to parties in hopes that they show up....it's not uncommon. Or they ask me, "Hey, are you going to the "Such and such" this Saturday?" And I say, "Sure! I"ll be there!" So they ask you if you're going to a certain event in hopes you'll be there. Anyhow, after breakfast, she gave me a hug, and I asked if we could get together again, and she said Yeah...there's a such and such Trail Biking thing coming up....we could do that, and she said she'll let me borrow her bike. Right now it's too soon to tell I guess, perhaps I should have waited later to post this.
carhill Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 It's real simple. Don't ask. Tell. "I've got two movie tickets for xxxx on Friday and I'd love for you to join me" You hug her. You kiss her. You show your interest in a way which is healthy for you. You decide if you both are on the same page. Do not let a woman decide these things for you; for, if you do, you will surely go insane Not being in the same page = current incompatibility Great example. I'm just out of my marriage (not really, but one can dream ) and xxx lady meets me and we hit it off. She like me and I like her, but I'm still in a lot of pain from my D and the cleaning my wife gave me financially. I like women but secretly think they're all like my wife (incorrectly, but that's how I feel). This lady and I, at another point in time, might have a fabulous R, but, right now, it's just not in the cards. Our emotional states are incompatible. Does that make sense? Don't apply the specifics to your circumstances, rather the general philosophy. Enjoy!
jadedone Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Move on. You've been friend zoned. If you want to play games, you can skip out on the next couple of group events, and just say you had a date if asked where you were, but I don't think it will work on her.
Author HiItsMe Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 Move on. You've been friend zoned. If you want to play games, you can skip out on the next couple of group events, and just say you had a date if asked where you were, but I don't think it will work on her. Nah, I don't give up so easily. Not moving on...still waiting and seeing what happens.
4dviceJunki3 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Listen, in the end, you're either going to get her or you're going to be friends with her. The most important thing to keep in mind is don't let your feelings move faster towards than yourself. Because if it turns out that she only wants to be friends and you have feelings for her, it's going to be a lot harder on you to accept the fact that you're just friends. Keep your distance with feelings. Spend time with her, give her your time of day and make her feel comfortable around you. Make it so that she knows she can trust you in the time of need. Women love to see a man with confidence, a goal, a man with focus on what he's pursuing in his life. She's just probably testing the water with you to see how honest, trustworthy, kind, caring, loving, etc. you are as a friend, then she can make her informed decision. A lot of times, people will think that once you cross the friendship line, it's over; this isn't always the case. A friendship can help build the foundation that will support the relationship to come. You build that foundation pretty sturdy, and you shouldn't have any problems with her in the future. You need to take this time and see what you like and dislike in each other. The best part about being a friend is that both of you don't have to deal with the relationship responsibilities. You can tell each other everything and be completely open with one another without having to worry about the fact that if he/she finds out, he's/she's going to get mad, no. Time this opportunity to do it right and give her privacy and respect her personal space. Don't try to get too involved in her life and ask personal questions. You'll know when the time is right to kiss and hold hands. Both of you would just have to be in the right moment and you'll feel the chemistry grow between you and that's when it will happen. Good luck with it! =) 1
Author HiItsMe Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 Listen, in the end, you're either going to get her or you're going to be friends with her. The most important thing to keep in mind is don't let your feelings move faster towards than yourself. Because if it turns out that she only wants to be friends and you have feelings for her, it's going to be a lot harder on you to accept the fact that you're just friends. Keep your distance with feelings. Spend time with her, give her your time of day and make her feel comfortable around you. Make it so that she knows she can trust you in the time of need. Women love to see a man with confidence, a goal, a man with focus on what he's pursuing in his life. She's just probably testing the water with you to see how honest, trustworthy, kind, caring, loving, etc. you are as a friend, then she can make her informed decision. A lot of times, people will think that once you cross the friendship line, it's over; this isn't always the case. A friendship can help build the foundation that will support the relationship to come. You build that foundation pretty sturdy, and you shouldn't have any problems with her in the future. You need to take this time and see what you like and dislike in each other. The best part about being a friend is that both of you don't have to deal with the relationship responsibilities. You can tell each other everything and be completely open with one another without having to worry about the fact that if he/she finds out, he's/she's going to get mad, no. Time this opportunity to do it right and give her privacy and respect her personal space. Don't try to get too involved in her life and ask personal questions. You'll know when the time is right to kiss and hold hands. Both of you would just have to be in the right moment and you'll feel the chemistry grow between you and that's when it will happen. Good luck with it! =) Good advice..very good. I think this woman is trying to not to make the SAME mistakes her friends are always doing. Meet a guy..."pretend" to be in love with that guy, date a few months to a year...then break up. She wants to keep her "Head" head together, and not like the "idea" of being in love take over. Don't want to act in haste...neither do I. And she's not going to be one of her friends where she jumps hap-hazardly into a relationship so quickly. She was saying, "Why can't anyone try to be friends before getting into a relationship these days?? Seems like everyone just JUMPS into relationships." I agreed with her on that one, so we same to share the same value system, which is pretty core....she's kind of old-fashioned and conservative such as I. She even let me open the door for her and buy her dinner. She seemed very kind and gentle. (she has a smile that could melt you, that's for sure. lol) Anyhow, I'm going to try to keep my head on straight...just like her. 1
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