hopefulInFuture Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 3 days ago I shut down all communications with my boyfriend trying to understand on my own whether I should put him in my exes list. The thing is that I have been with this guy for over an year, we work together and get along very well, but I have this constant feeling that he's a liar. I still love him. Very much do. Because I love his character easy to get along with. His vitality. His desire to try all the new things and enjoy doing all of these together with me. We have a great converstation going as well. Now you will ask me: are you stupid or what for breaking up with such a nice guy. well, the thing is that I am not so sure any more that he's really this nice. When we're together he's very sweat and nice to me but it's the things that happen outside our "relationship" that bother me quite a bit. We've been together for 1 year and I have never been to his house. He lives in an apartment with his mom which has been divided into two and has 2 independent entrances. He used to live there with his ex girlfriend and it seems as though nobody from his family can get over his ex. They were together for 5 years. Then broke up. I have never met his mom because she is not ready (according to him) to meet his new fiance because of the way he broke up with his girlfriend. He does not want to take me with his friends because they all new his ex and would hate to see that he replaced her with another girl. Anyhow, I am fed up. why should I deal with all this? When we're together he tells me that I am the right one and that he wants to live with me but he wants us to go live in another appartment. why? he's already got one. So is he planning on hiding me from his family for the rest of his life? So, this all makes me think that may be he's not really broken up. Otherwise, why is it that after so much time I have to hide? I have never even talked to his mom. I would have broken up with him earlier had he not been so nice during the week days. We hang out all the time together. Even after work. but on weekends whenever we make plans, most of the times they get canceled because either he has to work or he has to accompany his family or his mom somewhere. So, because I can't meet his family and his mom, I am out. Now, I feel I deserve better. And that this bulls* has to stop. I am fed up. Am I not supposed to be the best and the most important thing in his life if he says he loves me as much? I've ignored all his messages for the past 3 days until today. He wrote to me that he did not understand why I behaved like this. I told him that I did not want to be second to nobody and he got angry that he was tired that I was not happy with how much time he spent with me. I no longer replied. He just does not understand or does not want to because he's lying. Anyways, I am pretty determined on continuing to detach from him until I decide what I want and I am determined to ask him that either things change or I am walking... I know that I am doing the right thing for myself. But sometimes I think what if I am missing out on a great person. Please help me be smart. Please tell me that I am doing the right thing. THANK YOU
nowhereman82 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Ouch...sorry to hear that. Your BF needs to stand up and embrace you if he is going to keep you in his life. His family and friends will just have to deal with it. If he can't do that, then you need to move on. There is no reason for you two be 2nd best to a memory.
sunshinegirl Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 I agree, but I'm not so convinced it's a memory. Smells fishy.
Author hopefulInFuture Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 Thanks for all your feedback...please send me along all your objective opinions. They're really helping me to stay firm on my decision and get through this moment
Author hopefulInFuture Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 well, my problem is that unfortunately I agree with you ... I don't think it's a memory. Sometimes I feel so ridiculous. Sometimes, I wonder why I allowed for all this to happen to me. I am a strong woman. With strong ideals and a clear vision. Sometimes I feel I allowed him to make fun of me. Why did I let him do this ?
Author hopefulInFuture Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 it's been 4,5 days since I asked for NC to think and 1,5 days of total NC... Yesterday was a pretty day because I kept questioning myself whether I was doing the right thing by walking away, but then I started writing down all the things about him that I don't like and I came to a closure that we're not so similar as I thought initially. Yes, of course, we have all the same interests such as sports, movies, theatre and so on, but this is where our similarity ends and we are just so different character-wise... I am a very strong and determined woman. When I know what I want, I go for it and I know it's all up to me to get to my objectives in life. Both of my parents are electronic engineers and I grew up in a family full of challenges and strong individuals. I went on on my own when I was 15, paid alone for my university and now I have a very important job position. I am highly independent and don't need others to make decisions for me. He on the other hand is extremely indecisive. In all areas of his life. He's sweet and nice but he's so malleable. He says to know what he wants in most areas of his life and maybe he does but he just never acts on them. It seems as though he waits for the time to run its course to see how things develop. And this applies to all aspects of his life. I spent my last year listening to him how unhappy he was with his job. We work together and he has a very highly paid job. He's even successful in it. But what always made me wonder is that he received many alternative offers. But he just could not make up his mind. He would finally do what I would recommend him to do. Initially I liked that he listened. But then this started to worry me: I can't honestly make all decisions in his life for him. What happens if I am feeling low and depressed and I need someone stronger by my side? I think his indecisiveness is actually also the main cause of our personal problems that made me stick to NC. I believe this is exactly the cause why he can't present me to his family although he's broken up with his girlfriend for much over an year??? Their breakup was also the sign of his indecisiveness. He was unhappy but let it leg for over 2 years waiting for her to move out. sometimes I feel so sad. What future would I have with this guy? If we stay together I would need to make all the decisions and if he has problems with me, he can't even tell me that he's got issues and one day would just start dreaming of me moving out because he can't make the decision to either change the things or quit? Am I overreacting too much? Are these things really not important? Am I being over-analytical and too critical? Thanks
BackonTrack Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Why are you here talking to us? Go to your man, tell him what you want, demand you get it from him. if he says NO, then LEAVE. Its that simple, tell him 1) I want to meet your friends 2) I want to meet your parents 3) I want us to start planning for the future 1 year is a long time, in that time a person knows how they feel about the other person, so start making yoru demands from now. If he doesn't give you what you want leave or at the very worst, atleast you will realize your value or your position in his life, maybe you are a co-worker/**** buddy, maybe you are his girlfriend in his heart but he isn't ready for the next level, maybe your just there to keep him company and he doesn't mind being around you. The only way to find out is to start asking questions in a DIRECT & BLUNT MANNER, No contact is very girly & childish & very stupid. Be a women, start asking the tuff questions, he probably doesn't know what he wants to do with you, so maybe instead of asking questions, TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT FROM HIM, find out if he's willing to give it to you then again, not meeting his friends, or his family in a one year period, WOW, not even ONCE? wow, thats crazy, something is not right, he only hangs out with you during WORKING HOURS? something is not right, he only hangs out with you on the weekdays, something is not right
Author hopefulInFuture Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 Thank you BackOnTrack for your sincere and direct feedback. I think I did not explain well my situation. Don't think I have not talked to him yet about all this. It's been months that I have been demanding that he make me meet his family and his friends and he always does he will but then it never happens. I have even obtained from him at least 10 times the appointments to go to his house from dinner and he invites me, agrees to it and then he calls it off saying that it's not a good timing and that he does not want to take me home while his mom is around. Now, I am no stupid. I already asked for everything I want and I am not getting it. The only thing he keeps saying is that he wants to live with me and that he's available to live together with me starting even tomorrow but in another apartment that we should find together. I don't like this option. I don't understand WHY I CAN'T meet his mom, why I can't meet his friends. I cannot honestly agree to go live with him in an apartment and never meet any of these people. I asked for NC in order to allow me to think of what I want. And Decide whether I am through with it
BackonTrack Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 I must say that is very strange and this is a red flag. But if he's saying he wants to move in with you, and be with you, who cares about his family? Maybe there is a reason he is hiding them. Maybe he is ashamed of them. Why are you moving in with someone who won't open up and tell you what the problems are? I don't know what to do. Maybe he is married and is living a different life. Seems like he is HIDING SOMETHING, not sure what. It could be his mom is a dope addicted and doesn't want you to see that or maybe he's ashamed of you. I don't know. I don't want to put thoughts into your mind. Why don't you just stalk him?
Lishy Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 WHOAH!!!!!!!!!!! I smell a fish! I think you sound like a very together girl and you know there is something off base here I think you are doing the right thing by ignoring him and backing off - There is definately more to this - He wont introduce you to his friends or family - No way is this because they all love his ex so much NO WAY!
Lishy Posted October 9, 2008 Posted October 9, 2008 Ok I am not saying that this is the same as your situation but years ago my friend met this guy and was dating him for a year. They went away at weekends to hotels, she stayed at his mums house and he came to family parties etc - She had no reason to doubt him except that his mum would look at her funny when she saw her He turned out to be married with 2 kids and his wife was 3 months pregnant!
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