Why is he suddenly sniffing around again?

[D-Lish]

They almost always coming sniffing around again at some point after a break up... but this contact initiated by my ex is confusing me because I don't get what his motives are.

 

I've posted about this guy before. We dated last year and engaged in a LDR. We experienced great tragedy together when a condom broke and I became pregnant. We decided to try and make things work between us and i was even planning on moving West to be closer to him because he was so excited about the prospect of being a dad. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage and afterward both of us were so upset about it that our relationship deteriorated as neither of us could deal with it.

 

So we broke up and drifted apart. I heard from him around x-mas and he told me he was happy with a new girl he had met. I didn't wish to keep in contact with him and went back into NC.

 

A while back, he e-mailed me to talk about getting some closure over our mutual loss, and I finally indulged him in a few good talks. I thought we had settled things.

 

He surprised me yet again not so long ago with another e-mail- then he progressed to texting me- and now the last 3 nights he called me before bed to just "talk".

 

He has been sentimental and expressed that he has missed me and wonders how things would have turned out had we had the baby. He's complimentary and even a little sappy with how he interacts with me.

 

The weird part- he is still with his gf. I only found this out last night and it threw me off. I have no idea what his motives are here. I can handle being friends with him because we shared a colossal loss and share a mutual pain. But I think him contacting me is starting to feel like an emotional affair on his end. Sporadic contact is fine, checking in here and there. But if I didn't know any better I'd say he is trying to resume things with me.

 

The fact that he has a gf immediately makes it unfair to his gf.

We had an intense past and I know if it were me- I'd be crushed to discover my bf was contacting an ex. He called me last night from the airport where he was picking up his sister. He said he called because being there reminded him of how happy he used to be when he was there anticipating my arrival.

 

I can't figure out his motives for resuming the contact so intensely when he is with someone. On my end, I am not wanting to resume a romantic relationship with him. I don't even think it's appropriate for him to be friends with me when he is with someone.

 

It's not like it's a booty call- we live to far away for it to be just about sex.

 

I want to ask what it's all about- but am not sure I am ready to deal with what his answer might be. He text tonight and said "going to bed, sleep well, hugs".

 

WTF? I can't possibly understand his motivation behin all this.

Maybe he's having troubles with his gf and I am a safe outlet to reach out to? Is all this just an extended need for some closure over our loss?

 

He mentions the miscarriage a lot- and has said a couple times that he often wonders what things would have been like.

 

I'm not feeling I still love him or anything- care for him yes, so it is stirring up some residual pain.

 

I don't get him, I don't get what he is doing.

I'm trying to slow down the contact.

[Prodigal Princess]

You're trying to "slow down the contact"?? You should be stopping the contact!

 

No one can tell you why he is sniffing around again except for him. Maybe he misses you, maybe he misses the hope he felt when you were going to have his baby, maybe he's in a crappy relationship and looking for validation. It really does not matter.

 

You do not want him in your life. So send him a short but firm "I've moved on, please do not contact me again, have a nice life" message and ignore any of his further attempts at contact.

 

You have been guilt-tripped into maintaining contact with exes before, when there is absolutely nothing for you to gain from it. Please stop. I think you are one of the brightest, funniest and most valuable members on LS. It seriously does my head in when you waste your time on people like this.

[D-Lish]

You're trying to "slow down the contact"?? You should be stopping the contact!

 

No one can tell you why he is sniffing around again except for him. Maybe he misses you, maybe he misses the hope he felt when you were going to have his baby, maybe he's in a crappy relationship and looking for validation. It really does not matter.

 

You do not want him in your life. So send him a short but firm "I've moved on, please do not contact me again, have a nice life" message and ignore any of his further attempts at contact.

 

You have been guilt-tripped into maintaining contact with exes before, when there is absolutely nothing for you to gain from it. Please stop. I think you are one of the brightest, funniest and most valuable members on LS. It seriously does my head in when you waste your time on people like this.

 

I should go back and read Jilly B's recent post about boundaries.

 

Feeling bad for people is my vice.

 

I feel bad we lost the baby, still do in many ways. I guess knowing he is struggling with the same pain of loss makes me feel bad for him.

I think a small part of me feels guilty that I lost the pregnancy.

 

But you're right- I'm a sucker for allowing people to intrude or take advantage of my compassion.

 

But that's the kick in the pants I needed to hear.

 

He can see a therapist if he is suffering over that loss. I can't be that for him.

[nopainnogain]

. Maybe he misses you, maybe he misses the hope he felt when you were going to have his baby, maybe he's in a crappy relationship and looking for validation. .

 

Maybe he wants a booty call

i dunno

[CommitmentPhobe]

I don't think it matters what his motives are. You can end up sending yourself round the bend if you are always asking what other people are up to.

 

The only important thing is what you want. Make it clear what you want then there's no problem or confusion.

[Tryng2Trust08]

Well, what if you just didn't answer his texts or calls?? It's your choice to respond, so just dont, or just don't as often and maybe he will get the picture. If it it painful to you to continue talking to him, I wouldn't do it, you need to take care of yourself.

[Art_Critic]

You're trying to "slow down the contact"?? You should be stopping the contact!

 

Prodigal is correct..

[pandagirl]

Not that I think Dlish's ex's behavior is appropriate, but maybe something happened that triggered his thoughts of having children and sent him back to thinking what could've been with her? Maybe a friend had a baby and made him think of everything.

 

I don't think that she should indulge him, or that he is justified, but I feel like they went through an intense thing together and sometimes these feelings can resurface.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I think it's great that you have empathy for the gf, D. Not a lot of people would be thinking about the partner in this case, I suspect.

 

You said it yourself - it would crush you to know that your bf was behaving this way. If he is having issues or not feeling fulfilled in that relationship, it isn't your problem. Yes, you have a shared past and shared pain, but unless you both want to share in that together now, you cannot.

 

I agree, he needs to talk to a therapist if he can't get passed the pain, but pulling you into his emotional space is a very, very dangerous and painful area to walk into.

 

I agree, don't do it and tell him goodbye.

[jerbear]

Hey D-licious,

 

I do have to agree with other posters about stopping contact.

 

I don't get why you still continue contact with an ex that is with his gf. You're not into LDRs and it seems like he is trying to keep his options open.

 

Oh well...

[D-Lish]

Yes, I agree with most of what was said. I have no romantic interest in him. Even if he was single I wouldn't have resumed a relationship. Just to clear that up.

 

I don't want him back as a bf- I don't have those feelings for him anymore. The only thing we share is that painful incident.

 

I wouldn't have qualms about chatting with him and being friendly with him if it wasn't for the gf. I just think that's wrong for him to be calling me and reaching out to me when he's attached to someone. It's just not right for him to be doing this because he is in a relationship.

 

I was fine talking to him and catching up- even allowing him to talk about some of his thoughts over our loss.... but the gf thing just makes me feel it's wrong. I only found out about that the last time we talked, and haven't replied to him since.

 

I do feel that I should talk to him and explain where I am coming from. I don't want to cut him off without telling him why. I know he's hurting, and why... You can't go thrugh something like that with someone and not understand what it's like.

 

I am drafting an e-mail explaining that I'll always care about him and be sad about what happened- but I think it's best we cut off communication.

 

If it was my bf- I would consider breaking up with him for some of the things he has said. He's clearly telling me he misses me and wonders how things would have turned out. Now that I know he has a gf- I see those comments as disrespectful to her and misleading to me.

 

Not that I want him back- or ever did... I really don't.

I would have been a friend to him though if his current circumstances were different.

 

I know some people will say- just stop contact without warning and don't send the e-mail. I'm sending him something no matter what. I can only tell you- given our history, it's the respectable and right thing to do to give an explanation.

 

I could have been friends with him because it's over for me... but I can't be friends with him because he has a gf and it's improper given our past.

 

That will be the end of it for me.

;-)

Thanks for your responses.

[Jilly Bean]

I should go back and read Jilly B's recent post about boundaries.

 

Yeesss....

 

D- you don't owe anyone anything before yourself. Make sure your needs supercede his in this regard.

 

Is continuing contact beneficial to you? Or harmful?

 

Does it only serve to provide something for HIM at the risk of your own detriment?

[D-Lish]

Yeesss....

 

D- you don't owe anyone anything before yourself. Make sure your needs supercede his in this regard.

 

Is continuing contact beneficial to you? Or harmful?

 

Does it only serve to provide something for HIM at the risk of your own detriment?

 

I like your shoes. !

 

In this case- I did get something out of the contact. A really good sense of closure and certainly some peace over the guilt I felt about miscarrying.

 

I don't know if every woman goes through this- but I got pregnant, was shocked... decided to make the best of it... then both of us grew to LOVE and embrace the idea. When I miscarried- I felt so guilty, like I had done something wrong. That guilt haunted me. Neither of us knew how to handle the loss immediately after so we drifted away from one another.

 

So- the contact has provided me with some semblence of peace.

I did get something good out of this Jilly...

I needed to sort through it with him as much as he did with me.

 

Hey- I really care about him- and I know he feels the same.

But for me, I guess I look at this as: It's great we FINALLY dealt with what happened to us... but now it's time for you to be with your girl, and it's time for me to find my place in life.

[Jilly Bean]

I like your shoes. !

 

In this case- I did get something out of the contact. A really good sense of closure and certainly some peace over the guilt I felt about miscarrying.

 

I don't know if every woman goes through this- but I got pregnant, was shocked... decided to make the best of it... then both of us grew to LOVE and embrace the idea. When I miscarried- I felt so guilty, like I had done something wrong. That guilt haunted me. Neither of us knew how to handle the loss immediately after so we drifted away from one another.

 

So- the contact has provided me with some semblence of peace.

I did get something good out of this Jilly...

I needed to sort through it with him as much as he did with me.

 

Hey- I really care about him- and I know he feels the same.

But for me, I guess I look at this as: It's great we FINALLY dealt with what happened to us... but now it's time for you to be with your girl, and it's time for me to find my place in life.

 

That was actually a very eloquent and lovely post, D. I applaud you!

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Hi D-

 

First of all, I'm so sorry about the miscarriage. It doesn't matter if it happened 10 days ago or 10 years ago, it still hurts.

 

My feeling about this is that perhaps he is at an emotional stepping stone with his gf. Maybe she asked him to move in, or he decided that he was going to focus on her and her alone. Regardless, he is at that so-called breaking point and he is trying to ease the emotions. So, he calls you. Does this make sense? Anyway. I think that the best thing to do at this point is to either have it al out, and talk about the miscarriage and the aftermath, or just end communications. With care, of course.

[D-Lish]

Hi D-

 

First of all, I'm so sorry about the miscarriage. It doesn't matter if it happened 10 days ago or 10 years ago, it still hurts.

 

My feeling about this is that perhaps he is at an emotional stepping stone with his gf. Maybe she asked him to move in, or he decided that he was going to focus on her and her alone. Regardless, he is at that so-called breaking point and he is trying to ease the emotions. So, he calls you. Does this make sense? Anyway. I think that the best thing to do at this point is to either have it al out, and talk about the miscarriage and the aftermath, or just end communications. With care, of course.

 

Thanks Jilly.

 

An you're right CB- this isn't just some ex that screwed me over and treated me like crap. We broke up because of the distance and our inability to deal with our mutual pain.

 

I do feel I owe him the respect of an e-mail to put our time of pain to rest.

 

But he needs to move forward with his life as much as I need to with mine.

[GPFan]

Hi D-Lish,

 

Tell him exactly what you wrote here. That you appreciate the sense of closure your recent exchanges have given you both but you are uncomfortable with continuing to share at this level of intimacy with a man who is in a committed relationship.

 

Reiterate that this level of sharing with you isn't fair to his girlfriend nor their mutual relationship.

 

Tell him closure has given you the impetus to move on permanently and close that chapter of your life.

 

Just as you told us here.

 

I wish you well in all of your ventures.

[Alma Mobley]

First, I am sorry about your loss, truly. I have been there.

 

Second, yes, he is trying to start an emotional affair with you. I can guarantee that his gf doesn't know about his contact with you. Stay away and don't get sucked into it -- you both went through a loss together, and it will probably always bind you, but it sounds as though he is crossing boundaries.

 

Be very careful.

[vanilla87]

Sounds like he misses you and misses talking to you a lot too.

 

No guys contacts a girl out of the blue that they dated, especially with such intensity as you described, unless he misses you.

 

Your probably a distraction for him, to him good, to you bad, because he is probably trying to fill a void his gf can not, but you probably can, even if its by conversation.

 

By avoid questions you want to ask, its going to eat at you till you do, so you have to try and maybe ask him, its hard, but its inevitable at some point, better make it before he decides to come out your way for some sort of "visit" to see someone...