Katherineos123 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Hi There! Im looking for some more advice :0) To those of you who havent read any of my posts, my ex and I broke up almost 2 mos ago, and have only really contacted each other once since... Heres my most recent posting if anyone is looking for some more details... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t160356/ Anyway. My situation is this. I still very much so care for this guy, and I would like nothing more than to be able to get another shot with him, albeit, I know that if this were to happen it will take time... As far as our "relationship" (or unfortunate lack thereof ) is as of now. There are no real hard feelings between us, there were no terrible words thrown, so as far as break ups go, it was rather run of the mill. I know that he still wants to, at the very least, be friends with me, even though deep down I really feel like he would like to be more... But, and this is where it gets tough. I am currently in the process of moving, and as of the first of september, I will be living about 25 miles away, and I still have some of his belongings, a DVD player, some clothes etc. I want to call him and see how he has been/try and re-establish some sort of relationship (hopefully romantic!) and I figured getting his stuff back to him would be a good way to go about doing that. Im just very nervous because we havent spoken in so long, and its strange for both of us. We went from spending ALL of our time together to nothing. Complete 60 to zero. I dont know whether or not to call him, email, text, message... The last time we spoke (via email) he reached out to me, does that make it my turn? Do I limit this to a phone call and a mere exchanging of things, or ask him if he wants to get together and do something... go for lunch, take a walk etc. Also, I dont know how to go about talking to him. What do I say? Should I tell him I miss him? I want to let him know that I would be willing to try again with him, but at the same time, I dont want to appear to needy/dersperate... Any suggestions? Anyone have any stories to share about the first few awkward attempts at rekindling relationships? Any advice on how to play it cool? Hahah. Thanks everyone!
citizen67 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 always opt for the phone call. Keep it simple - hey how are you, since I'm moving we need to talk about your stuff, when's good for you to get it? kinda thing. Be guided by his reactions. don't address any rekindling of the relationship on the phone. See how a face to face goes, find out if he is involved with anyone else (ouch I know) and if he isnt & the feeling is right, say, just say so you know, I'd be willing to try again if you were, thought you should know. No big speechs, just some food for thought. Basically trust your gut. I think emailing and texting, while easier than a call are 1000x less intimate and you can't get a real read of the person's emotions like a phone call, or even better, face to face interaction. There's some bravery required here but I think you are up to it!
Author Katherineos123 Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 always opt for the phone call. Keep it simple - hey how are you, since I'm moving we need to talk about your stuff, when's good for you to get it? kinda thing. Be guided by his reactions. don't address any rekindling of the relationship on the phone. See how a face to face goes, find out if he is involved with anyone else (ouch I know) and if he isnt & the feeling is right, say, just say so you know, I'd be willing to try again if you were, thought you should know. No big speechs, just some food for thought. Basically trust your gut. I think emailing and texting, while easier than a call are 1000x less intimate and you can't get a real read of the person's emotions like a phone call, or even better, face to face interaction. There's some bravery required here but I think you are up to it! Hi Citizen, thanks for your advice. I think you're right, a phone call is the only respectful/adult way to handle this... as terrifying as it is for me to think about hearing his voice again! Im about 99.9% postive he isnt seeing someone else. We have a lot of mutual friends (which only makes things harder if you ask me) and I feel like someone would have said something to me... then again, maybe not. But regardless, he's not the kind of guy to jump from girl to girl. So, Im not too worried about that. I think Im just going to give him a call and catch up, then tell him that I have an ulterior motive for the call and remind him that I have his things. I think I may just ask him when he wants to come get them. This is where I get a little overwhelmed... Do I ask him if he wants to hang out for a while, or wait and see if he asks? What kind of signs should I look for from him? How will I know without asking him whether or not there's a shred of hope for recconciliation?
Author Katherineos123 Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 Ok. So I called him yesturday and we talked on the phone for almost an hour. It was really nice! Lots of laughter and catching up. He said he had been planning on calling me within the next few days, and that he was sick of all the avoidance games (we have a lot of mutual friends so it was weird for a while) to which I agreed. We decided to meet up this Saturday and hang out and return some of the few things he had left at my place. Im so nervous that I feel nauseus. We havent seen each other since the break up, on July 4th.... I dont know what to do! Whats the best way to show him that I would like to try again, without telling him? How do I play this one?! Thanks in advance to any advice! Its much needed and even more appreciated! :0)
SadGuy99 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Just do what you used to do, it will come naturally just like the phone call did. Dont over "relationship" the meeting, just keep it friendly, light, fun. Maybe go get some coffee/lunch/etc with him if he wants to after you exchange stuff. He wants to come back and you want him back, but you have to assure him you are doing something to address the problems you had before. What are you doing to address your abandonment issues? I don't think its fair to him to get back into the relationship if you aren't doing anything to make it go better this time. Besides wouldnt you rather have a succesfull R with him instead of breaking up again?
Author Katherineos123 Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 Thanks Sadguy. I hope the face to face goes as well as the phone call. Im just scared that I will break down in front of him. But I will try to show him Im strong... even if I dont feel it. You said "he wants to come back and you want him back" While I know for sure that half of that statement is true, Im only praying and hoping that the other is as well. But you getting that impression from my postings makes me feel a little bit better, perhaps he hasnt given up all hope on me. :0) As far as my addressing the issues that put me in this place to begin with. Ive been seeing a therapist now for almost 2 months, and she is helping me tremendously. She has helped me to connect the dots in a lot of respects, from my childhood to my adulthood, and every relationship in between! Im also just trying to do things which make me happy, things I havent done in a long time. Ive been writing a lot, drawing, riding my bike, calling old friends, going to the library, going for more walks etc. So Im slowly but surely learning how to truly focus on myself more. I agree with you that I dont think its fair to bring him back into this again, if I havent truly tackeled these issues. I just want to know whether or not he would be willing to give me another shot in the future, and give me a chance to show him how good it could be. My concern is that too much time might go by while Im doing so, and that the feelings he had/has for me, might go by the wayside.
SadGuy99 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Well it sounds to me like he does Good for you for working on yourself. What you are doing seems like the right way to go about things and it sounds like you are doing everything you can to make things go well for you. I wish you all the luck that everything turns out the way you want it to.
Author Katherineos123 Posted August 24, 2008 Author Posted August 24, 2008 So we met up last night and walked around downtown. It was really nice seeing him, although it inevitably brought about a lot of emotion. He seemed happy to see me. There were a few awkward pauses, which is to be expected, but for the most part we just laughed and had fun like the old times. There were a few lingering glances and prolonged smiles here and there too. I feel as though this meeting is almost helping me heal. Seeing him made me realize that he is not my end all be all. I mean, I of course still have feelings for this guy, and I would still love to be able to try again with him, but above all, Im just happy to have him in my life again, as a friend or otherwise, I just really really missed him. The only qualm I have now is where do you go from here? I feel like I want to wait for him to make the next move, the next phone call, the next "playdate"... but then again, I dont want too much time to pass. Anyone know the politics behind refriending, and hopefully rekindling?
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