Does She Want Me Back?

[MichiganMan222]

I'm 39, she's 33. We met 2 years ago. I was recently out of a 17 year marriage, she was a couple years out of her own and dating since....We started out slow. Had a great relationship. A lot of fun, a lot of great sex, we seemed to have a ton in common. She fell in love early (a month or so), I didn't, but we began a committed relationship. When she started telling me she loved me, I answered with the same, but later admitted to her I didn't have the same feelings however I felt like I will get there. Fast forward about 2 years. I still never couldn't say I loved her. I think I was still dealing with guilt of the divorce. When she began to become distant....then finally told me she had enough. She said she loved me more than anything and probably for the rest of her life, but couldn't handle being with someone that didn't love her back. I was floored because there was no reason for me NOT to love her. She was everything I ever wanted in a mate. She was young, beautiful, sexy, sweet, together (had a good job and went to school)....EVERYTHING.....I think deep down I did love her, I just couldn't say it because of the guilt....Well she makes it official....I begged her to give me another chance to get my feelings together. She said no. I went crazy and suddenly had this overwhelming feeling of love for her. Almost like the break-up made the feelings explode. I thought about her non-stop. I was depressed, cried even. I couldn't bear to think of her with anyone else. For about 2 weeks after, I explained to her this break-up basically brought out these hidden feelings. I begged and pleaded. Emailed, texted, called. She stopped responded which of course made me more crazy. Well after two weeks, like a light-switch, I accepted it. I went from constant attempts to contact her to total non-contact whatsoever. Well then just after 2 days of no contact, she texts me 'are you ok?'.....I didn't respond because I didn't want to fall back into that 2 week funk. She calls 5 minutes later. I answer....'So you don't answer your texts now?' I said I'm sorry, I'm fine....then she proceeded to tell me how frustrated she was and wished things were different. I said 'I know I'm sorry. I am to blame and I understand why you did it' and that was it. A few hours later, I get an email from her....she sends a poem that basically says she wishes me all the best, but is lovesick and wishes we could be together, etc. It almost read like I dumped HER. I thought it was strange....why all the rejections to my attempts at reconciling for 2 weeks and then when I stop, she acts like she misses me so terribly. So I text her about 5 hours later in the evening...'Are you have regrets for dumping me now?' She replied 'yes I am'.

 

Thats the last I hear from her. What is she doing? Does she really regret it and want me back? Is she just messing with me? I don't want to contact her unless I knew she did because it took so much to accept it....but I DO want her back and I know this time, I would approach things VERY differently with my feelings outside rather than held in.

 

Anyone have anything similar happen? Thoughts? Opinions?

 

Thanks

[D-Lish]

All I can conclude from her reaction is that you retracting your love for her was a huge blow to her ego. She genuinely loved you, you reciprocated and made her feel safe and happy.

 

When you took it back- you took something away from her. The safety of being able to trust you with her heart and feelings suddenly became jeapordized in her mind.

 

I know if it were me, I'd feel silly and decieved. I know my first reaction would be to break things off. Even use NC as a means of punishing you.

 

I doubt she has stopped loving you. I think it's a matter of self preservation on her end.

 

I am betting you can salvage this if you can get a meeting with her and just be 100% open and honest with her. Tell her exactly what you have told us here.

 

You've been though a lot- and I think your reluctance to open up to someone new after experiencing pain is a natural reaction that many of us have after being hurt.

 

I would truly make sure that you can give her your all if you get back together with her. If you can't do that, it is probably best to remain apart. If she's truly a wonderful and caring individual, then she does deserve to be loved by someone who is capable of making a commitment.

 

Just think about whether your reaction to the break up and subsequent realization you love her is really genuine. SOmetimes rejection can create false feelings. I just want you to make sure you really love her before attempting to make amends.

 

Both of you deserve happiness and fulfillment- but it needs to be the whole gamet if it's going to work out well for both of you.

 

Best of luck. I think this is salvageable if having her back is what you truly want to see happen.

[RecordProducer]

I think something similar might be happening to me and my husband. Throughout our marriage, he refused to commit or to admit love or even to have sex with me. I begged him to work on the marriage so many times, but he kept saying it was pointless. We've had many arguments and things haven't been good most of the time. Finally, he demanded that I leave and I am looking for an apartment right now. But he's also been giving me mixed signals and now he acts as if he is the dumped one.

 

Anyway, to answer your question... if he shows any desire to reconcile after I move out, I won't respond to it, but it's not for the purpose of punishing him. It's because:

 

1. He's hurt me emotionally so many times; I am so tired of suffering because of hima nd feeling unloved, that my heart is not open anymore as it once ws

 

2. I don't believe that people can change; I would be certain that if he'd get me back, he'd go back to his old self in no time

 

3. I know he wouldn't go out of his way to prove that his feelings have chnaged or were always there. He would need to treat me like a queen for a long, long time to re-gain my trust and love again. And I know that he would only do it for a few weeks and then drop the case (like you did) or go back to his old tricks.

 

If a man I have loved for 2.5 years (in my case) has made me feel unloved, he'd have to court me and be patient. I can't just trust someone after 2.5 years of "I don't want you" and 2.5 months of "Now I want you." I'd have to observe him for a long time before I can relax; and I know that during that observation, I would be slowly re-gaining strong feelings for him, but if he gets tired of showing love after a few weeks or months, I'd be more crushed than ever. So it'd be better not to even go there and simply move on.

 

In your case, your ex started feeling love for you again and you got tired. It appeared as if you thought "OK, she ain't worth the trouble." And she wants to see that she IS worth the trouble. So keep courting her if you want her back. Be sweet and loving and she will come back eventually. Don't give up. She was there for you all the time - now you be there for her and do the right thing.

[MichiganMan222]

Ugh! That plot thickens. I just got a call from my PRIOR ex that I was seeing just before this one that just dumped me as she has found out I was available now. She and I were in a two year relationship also and madly in love with each other. We had external complications that caused us to mutually break it off (and that's when I found this one). Well she is in a relationship herself but tells me its going downhill fast and wants to talk about getting back together when its over. She tells me she never stopped loving me and couldn't love her current bf because of these feelings. This is a tough call for me because I did love her more than anything and still have a spot in my heart for her. But I am still in pain from this one. I don't know what to do....AT ALL! This is unreal. To be quite honest, I could see myself being happy with either one of them.

[RecordProducer]

To be quite honest, I could see myself being happy with either one of them.

The question is: can either one of them be happy with YOU?

[MichiganMan222]

Well they both were very specific on where they stood on that:

 

Most recent one that just dumped me claims she had pegged me as 'the one' but didn't share that ambition to finish life together (as a result of my lack of open feelings). In other words, she felt like she would be happy with me, but didn't feel like I would be happy with her. My fault for not expressing that to her (although I had a good excuse which was the common curse of guilt

 

Prior one says that if not for the external complications that caused us to break it off two years ago, we would be married by now. Those issues are gone now and she says she still has very strong feelings for me. I honestly suspect there was nothing wrong with her relationship prior to finding out I was available. I think her finding out is the REASON its going downhill. Just a hunch because its too much of a coincidence. And I have to make a correction from OP; I was seeing her for 1 year, not two...we broke up 2 years ago.

[MichiganMan222]

Update: Prior gf text me a little bit ago to tell me she was very mean to current bf tonight. In my human tendency to wishful think, it almost seemed like she was trying to tell me she is intentionally driving a wedge between them so we can be back together.

 

On the other front, day 2 of NC with most recent gf. I have no idea if she is hoping I contact her or not. She is very very stubborn, and again in my wishful-thinking-mode and I can't help to think she is doing the NC to make me prove myself and wants to hear from me. On the other-hand, maybe its because she genuinely doesn't want to talk to me.

 

Where's that manual on women again? LOL