Melrapuo Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Did you see any signs of it coming? Had you pretty much given up on there being any chances, as your ex had told you that it was flat-out over? My mind and my heart have been battling a lot this week for no apparent reason. I guess its another surge of emotions. There's nothing at this point that can give me hope, as most of my efforts to fix the relationship had been failures. I've done NC for a little over a week since I met up with my ex. She gave me a "hows it goin" IM on Thursday, which I didn't get cuz I was away from the computer, and then ignored it cuz I was angry. Focusing on me isn't an issue. I actually lifted for the first time in two months yesterday, and I hadn't lost any strength, which made me feel good. I'm just wondering why I'm so focused on my love life. I want her back because I want her. From what I've heard and seen (I've stayed away from the grapevine, so to speak. This info just somehow makes it to me), she's freaking out because she doesn't have any real direction in her life. This came up during our break/break up, and it seems to have continued. Occupying myself with things does only so much before I start to think about her again. I know NC is whats best for me, not in getting the relationship with her back. But I've done everything I could have to fix things. Is this all I have left? Just ignoring her for a while, until she makes the effort?
D-Lish Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 I've had a few break ups where I longed for the person to come back. I remember spending weeks and months where it was all I could think about. Many of them came back. Sometimes months later, sometimes a year or two later. I got a random text the other night from someone I dated almost a year ago. We broke up under sad circumstances and neither of us wanted it to end- but the distance was killing us. He's progressed from texting to e-mailing to calling me before bed the last three nights in a row. The thing is- after a period of NC... I get over people. By the time they come back- I don't want them anymore. The important thing to do after a break up is to learn to conduct your life as if they are not returning, to live, act and go about your daily life believing it to be over. Doing so erases the expectation aspect of them returning. You have to accept that it is over before you can't start healing. If they do come back, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. It's important to grieve for the loss- the real grieving starts once you internalize that it's over. Yes, sometimes they come back. But it does you no good remaining in limbo waiting for it to happen.
0hpenelope Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 I've had a few break ups where I longed for the person to come back. I remember spending weeks and months where it was all I could think about. Many of them came back. Sometimes months later, sometimes a year or two later. I got a random text the other night from someone I dated almost a year ago. We broke up under sad circumstances and neither of us wanted it to end- but the distance was killing us. He's progressed from texting to e-mailing to calling me before bed the last three nights in a row. The thing is- after a period of NC... I get over people. By the time they come back- I don't want them anymore. The important thing to do after a break up is to learn to conduct your life as if they are not returning, to live, act and go about your daily life believing it to be over. Doing so erases the expectation aspect of them returning. You have to accept that it is over before you can't start healing. If they do come back, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. It's important to grieve for the loss- the real grieving starts once you internalize that it's over. Yes, sometimes they come back. But it does you no good remaining in limbo waiting for it to happen. Ah, Miss D-Lish... You're my heroine of the day! I appreciate all of these reminders on LS.
Nikki Sahagin Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 My ex came back after a month of us being apart. The time apart obviously made us realise how much we both loved and missed each other and also wanted to make things work between us. We haven't rushed back into a relationship; we are taking things slowly so hopefully we don't **** it up again!
vivrantflo Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 My ex came back to me 1.5 years after our break up, just to take off again 3 weeks later. She gave no signs of coming back. I was at work, and she texted me saying that she still loves me, and wants reconciliation. After 8 months NC Exes pop back into your life when you LEAST expect it, so try not to count on it. Take her off your IM service... excrete her from your life, cause there's no reason you should be talking to her at all.
misternoname Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 My wife moved out three months ago after I caught her having an affair. She dated around during the separation but got in pretty deep with one particular guy. I patiently waited for her to make a decision. A couple of weeks ago she said she was going to decide by the end of October...stringing me along. Shortly after that I found out she went to Europe with her boyfriend for a week. I had had enough...i hired an attorney and had her served by suprise. At first she was sad then it it turned into anger. Things got very ugly. I had already met someone I was very interested in so i was ready to move on. A week after serving her, she came to me and asked if I was willing to go away for the weekend with her. It was a very tough decision but 27 years together is hard to throw away without trying so I reluctantly went. Within a few hours of our trip she totally broke down, apologized and finally took ownership of her actions. We've decided to give it a try. She immediately broke off her relationship with the other guy...broke his little heart (wah wah!), starting wearing her wedding ring again, hired a mariiage counselor and has been spending a lot of time with me. I know it's going to be a long hard road but at least there's hope. Moral to the story? Be brave...don't be a doormat and take charge of the situation! She admitted that she was content with having her cake and eating it too until the day I served the papers. In her own words, "it was a big slap of reality!"
misternoname Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 My wife moved out three months ago after i caught her having an affair. She dated around during the separation but got in pretty deep with one particular guy. i patiently waited for her to make a decision. A couple of weeks ago she said she was going to decide by the end of October...stringing me along. Shortly after I found out she went ot Europe with her boyfriend for a week. i had had enough...i hired an attorney and had her served by suprise. At first she was sad then it it turned into anger. Things got very ugly. I had already met someone I was very interested in so i was ready to move on. A week after serving her, she came to me and asked if I was willing to go away for the weekend with her. It was a very tough decision but 27 years together is hard to throw away without trying so I reluctantly went. Within a few hours of our trip she totally broke down, apologized and finally took ownership of her actions. We've decided to give it a try. She immediately broke off her relationship with the other guy...broke his little heart (wah wah!), starting wearing her wedding ring again, hired a mariiage counselor and has been spending a lot of time with me. I know it's going to be a long hard road but at least there's hope. Moral to the story? Be brave...don't be a doormat and take charge of the situation! She admitted that she was content with having her cake and eating it too until the day I served the papers. In her own words, "it was a big slap of reality!"
orangesean Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 My ex did come back 3 and a half months after dumping me, but our problems were mostly because of ways I was acting that I take full responsibility for. My story on why she came back is under different circumstances than most. But there was absolutely no sign my ex was coming back. Even though she said for about 2 and a half months after the break up she felt like she hated me, she did try to talk to me on IM a few times just to see how I was doing, albiet briefly, mostly because I was trying to maintain NC, I did eventually block her. I did for the most part get over my ex before she came back, still pangs of grief every once and a while, but I was doing a lot of new things and moving on. I don't think you really stop loving someone you used to love with all your heart so I was just suppressing that aspect. I had lost all want and hope for a second chance by the first month and met a new girl in the meantime a couple of weeks later. So what eventually happened is I had a panic attack, which I was also trying to learn how to control in therapy, which I had started after the break up for intense anger, depression, and anxiety issues, and I contacted her out of blue because I was freaking out and had no one to talk to at the moment. The girl I was dating was getting cold and seemingly disinterested, so when I talked to my ex she seemed liked she missed me, saying a few things that maybe she didn't realize she was saying that she did want me back. Then later I find out she has been asking a few friends about me and my status as well as checking my myspace a lot. So I guess she was on the grapevine about me firsthand without me knowing. A few more conversations and she told me how much she really loved me at a point when we were really happy before stress and everyday things set it all out control. She agreed to try again and broke up with the guy she was dating the very next day, with me doing the same to the girl I was dating. So it's almost two months from that that we have been together, I'm still working hard to fix stuff and we have a few kinks to work out still, as well as still learning how to argue fairly. But either way I'm very happy and she is too.
m00nstone Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 My ex and I dated in high school. High school relationships and breakups are always melodramatic, so we basically hated each other afterwards. It was basically NC for 2 years. Then slowly, we began to acknowledge each other's presence, saying hi when we passed each other (we went to the state college together). It didn't really get anything past that, I hung out at his place when he had parties and stuff, until one night, I went with my friends to his place, and he took me aside and told me that he wanted to apologize for being callous the last few years. We ended up hooking up that night, but after that, it was a slow rebuilding of our relationship. It took 3 years, but he came back, and it was wonderful, of course with its ups and downs. I think it helped a lot that we had grown up a lot too. I had a long relationship in between, but I never really got over him. Now we're at another point in our lives where we're broken up and trying to reconcile, and from my experience in high school, letting him go is the best way for him to find his way back to me. As always, that's easier said than done, especially with the complicating factors this time.
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