Heartbroken

[SilverLining]

I posted on here once before but didn't really get any feedback. Basically, I have been dating this guy for 5 and a half years. I'm 27 and he is 26. We got engaged at the very beginning of June, and in the beginning of July, he breaks up with me. He says that he isn't happy and doesn't think I'm the one, however he'd been sending me emails telling me how happy he is for months now. In fact, he had said how lucky he felt and how happy he was to be engaged a week before. When he broke up with me, I suggested we take a month and see how he feels before we completely split. He said it sounded like a good idea, then he changed his mind 2 days later. I asked him to come see a counselor with me in a couple of weeks, in the meantime he can think about this more. He agreed, and at the counselor's he said he wanted to break up. I asked him to try to work on this relationship with me, and said that I was willing to work on what was upsetting him - he said he felt I was too emotionally dependent on him, even though I had stopped going to his place as often and had made some friends of my own (I relocated for him but do not live with him). After I said that, he seemed hesitant and said he wanted a few days to think about it. He helped me to get my furniture out of his parent's basement a few days later, and he was very kind and flirtatious towards me. When he left, we spoke about us going out on small dates a little, and then he can make up his mind as to whether or not he wanted to work on things. He said it sounded like a good idea and to call him to set something up. When I called him, he didn't answer and didn't call me back. Finally, he called me and said he felt he would be using me, so he just wanted to split. I asked him to break up with me in person, but when I went over there, he again seemed hesitant and asked for a few more days. When I said I wasn't sure it would do anything since he'd had almost 3 weeks already, he said he seriously wanted to think about things and we'd talk over the weekend, and he promised he would break up with me face to face instead of over the phone. I said I would let him know when I was free, but when I did, I never heard back. I said I would come over Sat at noon, and he was home but didn't answer the door or my phone calls. A few days later, he changed his myspace status to single. Yeah, I know. Basically, whenever I am there in person, he acts like he isn't completely sure if he wants to break up, and when I am not there, he calls and says he wants to break up. In the past, when he was unhappy, he would ask me to come over more, and to me, if you are unhappy with someone you want them over LESS, not more. The week that he first broke up with me, he told me that he felt depressed when I wasn't there in the morning.

 

He's done this before. Basically, everything is great and we seem so happy, but he doesn't communicate well, and eventually he becomes upset and never says anything to me until it's too late. He says he's 'unhappy', and from that point on, no matter what I say or do he breaks up with me within a week or two. We end up single for a few months until he contacts me and we end up back together. If this person wasn't so wonderful while we are together, I would have said goodbye long ago, but when we are together he is so respectful, kind, and loving. I was serious when I said I would marry him, and don't understand why, after having gone ring shopping with me for a month and purchasing a ring that's over 8 grand, would he say a month later that he doesn't really want to be with me. His family thinks that he might have depression and that's why he ends up doing this, and that I ought to not take him back if he calls me later. His mother cried when I told her he was doing this again, because she was so upset at seeing me hurt again. My family thinks I should wait on him if I love him enough to deal with some hard times, and I'm so confused. I'm so tired of getting my heart broken over and over, and yet I can't see being with anyone else. I have my own medical issues that he is so understanding about, and so I am more than willing to be understanding for him, if that's the case.

 

I haven't tried to contact him for 10 days and running, (but remember I had barely seen or spoken to him for about 3 weeks before) and I miss him like crazy. I was dealing with this a little better until I started dreaming of him every night. Does anyone have any advice for me? I'm just feeling so lost right now.

[Mending1985]

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so down :-(

 

First of all - if he's going through some depression at the moment, unfortunately nothing you can do will help him, he has to want to help himself.

 

It sounds like he is just really unsure of what he wants - maybe the idea of getting married is starting to scare him?

 

My advice would be to continue with no contact for a little while longer - hopefully he'll come to his senses without you around.

 

But if he doesn't, then there's nothing you could've done to help the situation - by the sounds of it you've been a wonderful partner to him already.

[journey1]

I understand where you are coming from. I too had my fear about getting married to him but I had my reasons and they were due to him being unfaithful when we first met so after he asked me those fears of it happening again resurfaced. But we were split up after we were engaged and than we worled on it and now we split again after spenidng the summer happy together. Now that I look back, I knew he was not 100% just like you know your guy isnt being 100% himself. We can feel it and although you want to force him (like I actually did ) it will only be a bandaid. Eventually if he is not ready, it will happen again!

My ex fiance family tells me the same things and that is to move on from him and to ignore him becasue he needs to feel the loss of ME!! I never give him that oppotunity, for I am always texting, calling, showing up etc. I never got those efforts in return, have you?????

You mentioned that you have broken up for 2-3 months, than what happens?? Who fixes it? Who initiates it?? AS fo rthe ring, are you still holding onto it? He gave mine back to me after the first split an dsaid he wanted me to keep it forever! Did you always talk of getting engaged or did you both decide together. I mean sometimes girls push before the guy is ready.

 

I know this hurts, too often I relive the proposal night and I think I would give my left leg to have that exact man back! Life is so cruel and its terrible that we are all hurting! Keep in touch. Its been 24 days for me not hearing his voice, but I slipped and text him only 2 days ago AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I am weak!! Dont be like me:p

[sugarlump]

It's not fair how he's treating you. He sounds genuinely confused, but he's not helping matters by messing you around. You deserve better.

 

It sounds like when he's apart from you, he is more rationale and able to make the decision to split. But when he sees you in person he feels torn, guilty for what he's doing, hence the delays to 'work out his feelings' and possible avoidance strategies when you are due to get together.

 

If I were you I would ask him to take some serious time out to sort out his head and his feelings for you. Sort a date to meet in a month's time. But go completely no contact on him meantime.

 

In that time you need to sort yourself out. Prepare yourself that maybe you are going to split and how you're going to cope. Consider what you want; is this the guy you want to be with, when he's treating you like this? See old friends, find new interest to fill your time. Start building a life for you.

 

If he comes back with added clarity that you're the one, then great - you have the best of both worlds; your guy and a buzzing social life (you said he was worried you were too dependent on him, well you've worked on that aspect!). If the news is for the worst, then you already have your fall back position sorted.

 

I wish you all the luck.

[SilverLining]

I have not been calling, texting, emailing, or anything else. I have deleted him from everything and hidden all pictures and notes for the time being. 9 months ago, he said he was feeling 'unhappy' but didn't know why. He was determined to not break up with me that time. Instead of talking to me about what was wrong, he decided to talk to another girl, a coworker. They didn't talk about anything serious, just light hearted stuff, and they began to get flirtatious. I realized what was going on and called him on it, and he was so upset with himself that he got us into counseling and begged me to forgive him for flirting with another girl. I did forgive him because I could understand how it happened, and he was so adamant that he did not want to lose me. He said that it was a real wakeup call and there was something wrong with him and he needed to get it fixed, and he wanted to be with me forever. He spent months sending me notes in the morning about how much he loved me, how grateful he was for me, how he wanted to marry me. And as I said before, we took a lot of time and got a very expensive ring. When he said he was unhappy, I told him I was there to work on things with him, and he said he just didn't even want to anymore. I had no idea there was even a problem. He said that he put so much into our relationship that he got burnt out, and he didn't know how much he loved me anymore. He also said it was really recent that he felt that way. I told him that didn't know he was so upset and I was willing to put the wedding on hold, to give him some space, to take care of him for a bit and then hopefully he would feel better after a little while. Knowing him as I do, I know that he would feel better about it after a bit. But once he decides to break up nothing can change his mind. He is the one who always initiates contact with me after 2-3 months. But maybe he won't this time, you never know.

[Mending1985]

My ex has been doing something similar to me for the last 2 years. He doesn't want my back, but if I go more than a month without speaking to him, he'll call me. He allows his friends to set him up with other girls, goes out on a date or calls them, but nothing ever happens, and then he'll want to be friends with me, despite knowing how I feel.

 

Looking back, I wish I'd seen the pattern earlier - which is they only want you when they think they can't have you.

 

It isn't at all healthy, so I guess you're going to need to work out what is more important - swallowing your hurt to be there and wait for the man you love, or to cut and run now while you still can.

[LateBloomer]

It's amazing how so many of these stories have common themes. I don't know how or why people turn so quickly ... but if you look back sometimes you can see some possible causes.

 

Sometimes people just aren't ready it would seem.

 

Other times, there are deeper wounds / issues that are unresolved that the relationship is triggering. This can lead to jumbled emotions on their end that they don't know how to process.

 

Some people are just plain afraid of love, and there might be valid reasons for that (again wounds).

 

Many people just have issues they need to sort out and have no business being in a relationship. It sucks for sure when they tell you one thing (and act as such) then turn around 180 degrees.

 

If you see that he keeps pulling away when you're apart, there isn't much you can do. I kind of wish I had implemented NC more myself in the beginning. But who knows. If someone is gonna run, they're gonna run. If they're not willing to even work on things, then they just won't. Most couples therapy methods I know begin with one thing that is NON NEGOTIABLE:

 

1. You must agree to stay in this relationship for the duration of the therapy.

 

So if he's not even willing to do that, I don't see what else you can do. He sounds like he has some deeper issues he needs to work on. He may also be too young. Marriage was the farthest thing from my mind in my 20s and I had several LTRs with some amazing women.