Art_Critic Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Well, he keeps saying he's preparing a 'separation agreement'. . He is soooo lying to you.. Even if he was preparing one.. his wife has to agree with it.. if not then the judge has to step in and set the agreement in place. Dump this guy.. you are in for a world of hurt and being involved in another man's marriage isn't going to be a pretty picture.. You do realize that in some separation agreements that they cannot have sex with others.. I think if you really want to date this obviously flawed individual then you need to speak with the wife .. Since he sees her each day and spends time with her and his kids and you will then be a new girl in the picture... Something tells me that the wife has no idea he is trying to bang you.. He is still married.. NOT SEPARATED.. you said it yourself that he has yet to put an agreement in place.. well duh ??? Married is what he is.. just having problems and they are living apart trying to work it out.. all the while he is going to be tapping you on the side while thw wife thinks he is at his place alone..
carhill Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Why not take the honest approach and tell him you like him, enjoy his company but feel uncomfortable with his current marital situation and don't feel you can continue as a romantic interest until he has resolved his divorce and is healthy emotionally to be involved with you. If he was emotionally detached from his wife and truly divorcing, he would've been honest about his marital status and the relevant details and wouldn't have been blowing sunshine up your @ss. Happy you caught this one before it blew up on you. Disaster averted
Lucky_One Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Hmm. His profile said divorced. Was still living at home when you started emailing. Finally claims he moved out a month later. Only kissed you a few days ago? Online. Claiming divorced. No sex yet. Those three things lead me to believe that he has other online honeys that he is getting the sex from. He sounds like about 1,376,465,289 other online married jerks who want to get laid.
Author Shygirl15 Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 Is there a way I can bring this up discussion without having to completely break up with him? Like maybe I can give him options, to wait until his issues are finalized before we move on? Or is that dumb? Like I said I really like him, and I believe the feeling is mutual.
Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 You have 2 options.....1. You could carry on like normal and just see what happens.(including risking getting very hurt) 2. You could tell him you really like him, but you don't feel comfortable pursuing a romantic relationship until the mess with his wife is over with. The choice is up to you..maybe think about it for a couple of days and see what you come up with. Or ask yourself this....if he does decide to work things out with his wife, how would you react to this??? That is a possibility, you know.
Art_Critic Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Is there a way I can bring this up discussion without having to completely break up with him? Like maybe I can give him options, to wait until his issues are finalized before we move on? Or is that dumb? Like I said I really like him, and I believe the feeling is mutual. Why not have a discussion with the other person in the relationship.. His wife ? Why would you want to have a thing for him .. he is married.. you seem to be missing that very important part.. that and you are missing the fact that he has yet to really tell you the truth.. To make those options as part of the deal isn't dumb.. it shows your boundaries.. but remember.. there are more women like you in his wings...
Ms. Red Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 So sorry your going through this Shygirl. I believe you are one of the lucky ones that can avoid much heartache & pain in the future that would make this pain you feel now like a walk in the park. Take a deep breath & stroll on over to the OM/OW forum. Because weather you are able to recognize it yourself....you are the Other Woman in this triangle. I'm not trying to be mean. Just hoping to prevent you some future heartache & pain over this loser. I've pulled up some threads of members that came to mind. However, the OM/OW forum is filled with stories of heartache & pain that started out just as innocently as your relationship with this dood is. These don't fit your exact situation, but are all similar in the fact they started out with lies: [thread=157239]Accidental OW[/thread] [thread=148459]Mistress w/ Children[/thread] [thread=159755]WildSoul[/thread] Good luck & I wish you well. =^-^=
Author Shygirl15 Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 Thanks Ms. Red. I just quickly glanced over the posts you attached and can say they're really worth reading. I'm going to print them out and read tonite. It feels like in a blink of an eye, everything is falling apart. I mean, before Sunday, I was the happiest person in the world, and now this. I appreciate everyone's input, especially Art.. though at some point I felt like killing you , but I guess I needed that criticism to wake me up from daydreaming.
Art_Critic Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 though at some point I felt like killing you Sorry Shygirl.. ... Getting under your skin wasn't my intention...I have a habit of being that way some times.. Glad that you got what you needed from the thread and glad we were able to help you
porter218 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 here's the thing.. he is married.. and he has lied to you.. he might even be married and not separated.. he could be lying about that to... or maybe they are taking a break.. except during the break he is going to try and bang you.. then go back to the wife... My thoughts exactly. After I reconciled with my H, I found out that he had told one of the women he had been sleeping with that he was divorced. He had been claiming we were separated to one girl when in fact we were very much still together(pre-separation). I talked a little bit to the one he was telling we were divorced and she said he had made it clear when they first met that I was his "ex wife"...but he failed to mention to her that when he wasn't with her he was begging for me to take him back. And when I finally did take him back she was left wondering. He told me that he was just using that girl as a temporary distraction to our breakup.
Author Shygirl15 Posted August 20, 2008 Author Posted August 20, 2008 Duh, the Accidental OW really shocks me. I'm thinking maybe he's also just living in the guest house? Or another room within the same house? I mean, who can go back and forth between his apartment and the house EVERYDAY just to walk the dog? Weird. Also, another thing I can connect with from this post is that he has also confessed that so far not many people know he has moved out, infact it's only HIS mom who knows. Even his inlaws, colleagues, friends etc don't know, claiming he would rather keep his business to himself. I mean how dumb can anyone be. Geez, I deserve a prize.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 You're not dumb. The person who is dumb is the one leading you to believe one thing when the truth is actually something else. Lying is never a good sign.
Ms. Red Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Duh, the Accidental OW really shocks me. I'm thinking maybe he's also just living in the guest house? Or another room within the same house? I mean, who can go back and forth between his apartment and the house EVERYDAY just to walk the dog? Weird. Also, another thing I can connect with from this post is that he has also confessed that so far not many people know he has moved out, in fact it's only HIS mom who knows. Even his in laws, colleagues, friends etc don't know, claiming he would rather keep his business to himself. I mean how dumb can anyone be. Geez, I deserve a prize. Stop it. You are not alone. I wanted to open your eyes to the fact that there are a lot of MM out there pulling this $hit. You are not dumb. He is for bringing you into his life & in the middle of his mess. I really do consider you one of the lucky ones. I've read story after story of heartache from women (& some men) that feel they found their soul mate & were planning their futures together before they had the "moment of truth" that their boyfriend/girlfriend was actually still married. Keep posting & you will find the strength & support you need. Just do not think bad of yourself. These MM are good at what they do. You are far from being alone.
Author Shygirl15 Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 Had a conversation with him last night about everything I have expressed here on LS. His reaction: 1. Admitted that he initially lied his status to me, because he knew I would reject him. He says he was waiting for the right moment to confess on his real status, unfortunately it just slipped out last Sunday accidentally. He says he has been worried about it since Sunday, especially since I didn't mention anything to him after that incident. He deeply apologized for this. 2. Insist that he has moved out; offered to take me to his apartment this Saturday just to prove he has truly moved out. He has his kids this weeekend so I don't know if that's a good idea or not. 3. Insist that he's moving on with divorce and hopes to finalize everything in November. Says he has been officially separated since last November but continued to live in the house, until he was able to move out in July. 4. Offered to introcude me to wifey; says that will also help to show her that he's determined to move on with his life and there's absolutely no chance of them getting back together. I said I'll think about it and let him know. We're meeting tomorrow for lunch, and I expect to come up with his verdict then. Any ideas, please? I really want to believe him, but... I don't know.
Art_Critic Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Don't let him use you like a pawn in his marriage.. He said he would let you speak to her.. so she realizes that he is moving on.. that should show you that he HAS NOT moved on yet.. Don't do this.. there are plenty of single guys out there.. He is still married.. not even legally separated and on top of that he has been married a very long time and you will be nothing more than his first rebound of many that he will have. If you agree to the meeting of the wife.. I would suggest that you just get her phone number and have a phone conversation with her instead of having a meeting that he can manipulate into using you as a pawn to punish her. Nothing wrong with talking to the wife.. but just make it you and her.. with him not involved so you get the truth.
Alma Mobley Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 That's a toughie. Sorry you are going through this. I had this pulled on me once as well. First he was "divorced," then I found out he was "separated," then I found out they were living apart but trying to work things out, ugh. Honestly, if I were you, I would tell him you are not comfortable with this, and to get back in touch with you when he is fully available. Well, maybe a few casual emails here and there. If he is truly interested in you, he should be able to handle this. If he's going through a divorce, he has a lot on his plate. I would let him know he can date you when he is more available, but I think you should start seeing other people in the meantime. JMO!
Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Well, its your decision, whatever you feel in your heart, you should do. You can look at it like this is a great man willing to make me feel comfortable in this situation. Or you can see this as an opportunity to cut your losses and move on from here while you are not SOO into this relationship.....
Author Shygirl15 Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 Thanks a lot for your inputs, guys. Maybe in the meantime I will agree to No. 2 and No. 4 (by phone only) and see what happens?? No. 4 is a little awkward really especially if it's just going to be me and her; she is more likely to trash talk him rather than give me a clear picture, not sure how that would help? I know I sound like I carry on and on about this guy, but I need to let you know that I have met a bunch of useless guys recently but this one is 100% match for me and he presents everything I have wanted and more, xcept for this confusing part of his life.
Art_Critic Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Let him prove to you that his lying is over with and let him also prove to you that he has moved on and is working towards a new life..... In all sense of reality it is very unlikely that he has moved on.. He is/was married a very long time and he will go thru many many changes after the divorce is final and those changes won't include you.. most likely those changes will include wanting to see what is out there.. who is out there and reinventing his new identity as a a single man again. If you understand that he isn't able to give to a real committed type of relationship and you are game.. then go for it and have fun
Author Shygirl15 Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 Yes, very true Art. Actually, you have given me something to think about here: He is still married.. not even legally separated and on top of that he has been married a very long time and you will be nothing more than his first rebound of many that he will have. What an ugly truth!
Art_Critic Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 I think what is most important shygirl is that you go into this with your eyes open.. With the dishonesty of his living situation and his separation he didn't start this out on the right foot.. It makes him look very bad.. I have always believed that relationships that start off on the wrong foot buried in dishonesty will remain buried in dishonesty.. even if you think they are telling the truth, the chances are there are lies being told.. even if for effect. He threw several red flags and you caught them.... now it is up to you what you want to do with all the info... I do know if it was me what I would do.. to the curb.. but that is me and you are a different person. I have kicked a couple of women to the curb during my dating years for being dishonest and the lies told weren't as bad as about being married or not.. Good Luck....
Terminator Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Shygirl, might I respectfully suggest that perhaps one thing you could do is stop referring to his wife as 'wifey'. That shows a great deal of contempt on your part, whether you are meaning for it to come across that way or not. I honestly don't see this lasting, he is just having a 'vacation' from his marriage.
flc Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 I would agree that it may be too early for him to really have a serious relationship. I was married for 20 years and our marriage was dead for about 1.5 years before the divorce, we just did the living separately in the same house for the kids sake. When the divorce was final it was still a major emotional trauma even after 1.5 years of little contact. It took me 3 months after that even to think about dating. Then you mention his kids, this is a whole other aspect you are going have to deal with and it will be complicated whether they are young or teenagers. Just make sure you think all of these things through, but you are the only one who knows him and yourself so you are the only one that can make a decision.
Author Shygirl15 Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 Shygirl, might I respectfully suggest that perhaps one thing you could do is stop referring to his wife as 'wifey'. Terminator, believe me I have huge issues to deal with at this point..
Terminator Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Terminator, believe me I have huge issues to deal with at this point.. and that stops you from having respect for someone in her situation? <<shrugs>>
Recommended Posts