mortensorchid Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 This is a semi hypothetical situation I have a question on : Firstly, I have had the distinct displeasure of having my last two serious boyfriends be loners. Aside from other factors, we were not good matches based on the fact that they were both loners and I am a very social person (lots of friends, active social life, always on the go, etc.). Now, both of them rebounded after two years with me and married other women less than six months after breaking it off with me. As to the states of either of those marriages, I can't nor do I want to imagine what things are like, but I digress ... Secondly, my question is this : When two people get together, if one is a loner, is it best if the other is also a loner? If both are loners, won't they interfer with the other's alone time? I guess they will just make it work if they want to marry and/or live together.
Tryng2Trust08 Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Yeah, I guess that would be difficult for both people to like tons of space.....the guy Im seeing is a semi-loner, he is social, but also loves being alone and needs alone time. What fun is that???
Sks Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Being around people is not fun, its allot of work and can be highly annoying. For a female companion, an ideal personality is one who likes silence, and is not obsessed with social contact.
FleshNBones Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 An empty head needs to be filled with voices.
Taramere Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 I don't think a loner necessarily has to be with a fellow loner for their relationship to work. Opposites can attract and be quite complementary, but the key is probably that each person understands, accepts and sees the positive aspects of the other one's different temperament. People sometimes regard the way they are as the only "normal" way to be. Start to regard any traits associated with different types of temperament as being symptoms of some kind of personality disorder or dysfunction. If you regard some people's tendency to be loners as dysfunctional, then it stands to reason that you shouldn't hook up with a loner....but it doesn't follow that your exes who were loners can't go on to have happy and fulfilling relationships with other people who are better able to understand/accept their loner tendencies.
stoopid_guy Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 There are different types of loners. Some of us would rather focus our attention on one or two other people (and be the focus of one or two others) than get caught up in "the herd." Get two of us together, we're great. Other loners are afraid of interaction. They have problems...
vonerik012 Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 When I hear a girl always talk about her girlfriends, and such an active social life, having to be on the go, it is a turn off. Unless you are 18 I suppose. I like to work, read, travel, go out with a girlfriend, and have peace.. I don't need to be around lots of yappy people every night of the week.
spookie Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 I need massive amounts of time alone to feel happy. There's nothign wrong with that, but unfortunately I also cannot help but judge people who "waste" too much time on meaningless interaction with others, so for me, a relationship with someone extremely social would never work. There's two kinds of loners, though. The kinds with social problems, who want to have friends but have a hard time making them, and the confident types who like their me-time and don't need other people for any kind of validation. Personally, I think I mainly fall into the latter category, but I have dated people from both, and in my opinion there's nothing more exhausting than an insecure loner over-compensating for his utter lack of personality with "niceness" to make you his gf/ best friend/ whole world.
monkey00 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 I think loners make as good relationships as would opposites. I know several couples who are loners. Not because they're anti-social, afraid to go out, or afraid to make new friends, but that they often enjoy their alone time. So far they have had a pretty successful relationship, and they do find time to spend with their friends when available. Kind of like introverts - they reserve their energy best when not focusing on a crowd of people. while extroverts gain their energy from interacting in intense social situations. I'm a bit of an introvert, some days I love my space. And some days I want to be around friends and do fun things.
Author mortensorchid Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 I think some people are selectively introverted / loners. After all, two people would not get together if one or both did not get out around people enough to actually meet another person. This applies to those who go out to parties to those who meet someone in the flesh that they have been talking to on line.
Alma Mobley Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Two loners together will create a little bubble for themselves and live in it. They will do everything together, and they will probably not have many outside friends because they have each other. I have seen this happen.
Walk Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 I think some people are selectively introverted / loners. After all, two people would not get together if one or both did not get out around people enough to actually meet another person. This applies to those who go out to parties to those who meet someone in the flesh that they have been talking to on line. Loners do get out into the real world occasionally. We go to lectures, we pick up bagels and coffee on a Saturday morning, we even attend concerts sometimes. It might only be once a month, or once every 3 months, but occasionally we do interact with others. I'm not socially inept because I don't like to fill my days and evenings with tons of people. I can strike up conversations with anyone, anywhere. I prefer not too, but occasionally I will. One of those occasions I met my H. The other times I've met previous partners was because of my jobs (i had to talk to them). I really like being with a loner. Now when I complain that I don't want to have dinner with my friend after I've already seen her for 4 hours... he understands. Its not that I don't like my friend, I just like her in short bursts.
Prodigal Princess Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 I need massive amounts of time alone to feel happy. There's nothign wrong with that, but unfortunately I also cannot help but judge people who "waste" too much time on meaningless interaction with others, so for me, a relationship with someone extremely social would never work. There's two kinds of loners, though. The kinds with social problems, who want to have friends but have a hard time making them, and the confident types who like their me-time and don't need other people for any kind of validation. Personally, I think I mainly fall into the latter category, but I have dated people from both, and in my opinion there's nothing more exhausting than an insecure loner over-compensating for his utter lack of personality with "niceness" to make you his gf/ best friend/ whole world. I agree 100% with the spookmeister. I go out every weekend and have a core group of close friends, but I spend the vast majority of my time alone, and I absolutely love it. I find that hyper-social people who can't stand to be alone and have heaps of acquaintances find my lifestyle choice a bit confronting. I find their choice a wee bit pathetic.
Oh No Not Again Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Insecure Loner -> A social introvert with tons of self-esteem, probably a Cancer Secure Loner -> Secure Loner On the fence loner -> Don't date Rich sexy loner -> Social strong and smart
KinAZ Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Secondly, my question is this : When two people get together, if one is a loner, is it best if the other is also a loner? If both are loners, won't they interfer with the other's alone time? I guess they will just make it work if they want to marry and/or live together. Not all loners are created equal. Sometimes being a loner can lead to a degree of social awkwardness in some... and two slightly socially awkward loners might do well together (partially because they dislike some of the same things, maybe?). Some loners tend to be very versatile. So, I think that at the end of the day it has more to do with both parties being able to accept and respect the other. For example, if I'm not a party girl and I'm with a party guy, I have to be secure enough within myself and my relationship to let him "do his thang" with in reason. Likewise, when I just disappear for a little while, he has to be secure enough to know that it's not because I'm with another man... just that I'm probably on a long walk (minus the cell) or have my nose in a book. Just examples. If two people are loners though, I think they would be able to accept the other person's need for space a bit better. In theory, at least, they're less likely to drag you into awkward situations.
Mako482 Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 There is a difference between someone who needs solo time and someone who is antisocial. I would prefer a quiet night at home with a good movie and my significant other 99% of the time over a noisy, smoky, crowded night club. Nights out with a group of friends here and there is cool and socially healthy, but other than that one on one time with my mate is always better. So call me antisocial, not a loner.
KinAZ Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 LOL, If that was to me, then I do understand the difference. It just so happens that some of the qualities overlap... as I was saying (and others have said I'm sure), loners can be a little socially awkward. While one wants to go to the club with 25 of their closest friends, and is often at this and that social gathering, a loner may not want to do those activities frequently. If a person does not hang out with 50 of his closest friends, then he's not very likely to want to hang out with 50 of someone else's closest friends regularly either. I'm a bit of a loner if you don't count my kids in that. I have only a few who I call "friend" and a number of associates. I don't see most of my friends very often anymore, as I have a crazy schedule, and know how to create my own entertainment for the most part. (haha) So, when I see a movie, sometimes it's cool to go with Joe, Billy, Jane, Mary, and Sally, but I'm not going to wait for them. I'm the only person I know who doesn't have issues catching a movie alone, and then going to a restaurant to eat... alone, and just doing whatever it is I want to do. I don't need to wait for a companion to come along, in the event that I don't have kiddies 1 & 2 attached to my hip. For someone like me, who does what she does when she wants to do it (whenever possible), [large] groups can be annoying on a regular basis. So, if we're 7 deep, it might take 45 minutes to decide on a restaurant, and all the while I may be thinking, "I would already be eating my salad by now." Just trying to meet up sometimes is annoying. To me it really is like children. No matter what you do, they will usually delay you from leaving when you planned
Trialbyfire Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I'm not much into the philosophy of opposites attract when it comes to socializing. I can't imagine being with someone who doesn't get along with my friends or family, since they're so important to me. I do agree that most people have elements of both loner and social butterfly in them, which is why you can get a match between someone who's partially anti-social and someone who's social. If you take two extreme types, this would be a match made in hell, probably a constant battle of needs not met.
Jake Barnes Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I'm not much into the philosophy of opposites attract when it comes to socializing. I can't imagine being with someone who doesn't get along with my friends or family, since they're so important to me. I do agree that most people have elements of both loner and social butterfly in them, which is why you can get a match between someone who's partially anti-social and someone who's social. If you take two extreme types, this would be a match made in hell, probably a constant battle of needs not met.I could tell you close to your family from things you wrote even though you never write about your family It really makes a difference, just like the shrinks always said. I've seen things written by people who hate their families and things written by people where there was a lot of love there and it makes all the difference in the world. Loveshack is a great social experiment
Trialbyfire Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I could tell you close to your family from things you wrote even though you never write about your family Then you see me clearly in this. It's difficult to imagine not loving my family, since they're such a supportive and caring bunch, even my crazy older sister.
Angel1111 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 It wouldn't surprise me if the majority of the people on this board were mostly loners. Because we're able to pick and choose when we talk and who we talk to. I usually come across as being very social and can talk to anyone at anytime - but I'm also one of those who chooses not to be around people most of the time. I dated a guy once who was a super extrovert but in his personal life, he wasn't like that - he needed his space and quiet time just like me. So we were really similar like that and I realized how well we were matched. I couldn't be around a social butterfly. It would make me nuts. But I don't like being around anti-social people either. I find most people very predictable and they pretty much bore me. But I don't find things like People magazine interesting either - for the same reasons, and I'm actually amazed that a magazine like that would last as long as it has. My female friends are intelligent and fun. I can't handle ditzy people. Very few things that people do surprise me so this whole thing of finding everyone interesting and intriguing is something I just don't get, or care about. Oprah once said that if you have 2 or 3 great friends in your life, you're very lucky. And I agree with that - it's more about quality than quantity to me. And all that aside, I just need my space and quiet time. I couldn't live without it. The biggest issue in one of my relationships was due to the fact that my husband couldn't leave me alone for more than 30 min. He couldn't stand it if I was reading, or watching TV, or doing nothing. I don't know why it bothered him so much but his reaction to it made me crazy. It was a very bad mix. So I can see how two loners would probably become very close and very connected because they aren't likely to cross that line of making the one another feel disrespected or smothered.
FleshNBones Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 For someone like me, who does what she does when she wants to do it (whenever possible), [large] groups can be annoying on a regular basis. So, if we're 7 deep, it might take 45 minutes to decide on a restaurant, and all the while I may be thinking, "I would already be eating my salad by now."I was once part of a wedding reception 16 people deep. The maturity level was rock bottom, and we ended up 3 hours late to the wedding. Some of them thought it was cool that they smuggled cases of beer and liquor into the bus. What they didn't think about were the bathroom requirements for that many people. There were several stops, and several detours (drunken stupidity). The conversations were just geared to one-upping each other on the scale of sexuality, and stupidity. This was the underachieving Happy Gilmore crowd.
nopainnogain Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 .[COLOR=#990000]When loners get together[/COLOR] the title of this thread is so depressing.
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