Author cadmus Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 We have both read the "After the Affair", "Surviving and Affair" and "Not Just Friends". It has helped us both understand why it happend and what we need to do to get M working. MC starts in 2 weeks. I have started phoning my W a lot more during the day and we talk a hell of lot more that we have done for years (not just about A but general chit chat) we do a lot of reminsing which helps us both see each other as the people we fell in love with. Only trouble is my new job involves a long commute and it is a very high pressured role I have been given. I am usually very tired at the end of day and do not have much energy. Still have thoughts about OW and I wish that my mind could be wiped of all memories involving her. Still miss her now and again but is getting easier. I realise now that she was part of the reason I got so stressed in my last job. If I had done more work rather than mess about sending emails and laughing with OW than I might not had been called up so much about my work. That is another reason for NC to continue I do not want her to F up my new job. Home life can still be hard but I am mucking in more rather than letting W get on with things like I used too (I wanted computer time to speak to OW on messenger).
smartgirl Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 I understand the difficulty you are having, but it will improve over time - I swear it. The timetable is different for everyone, but you will go for longer and longer periods without thinking of her and then you will hardly think of her at all. More important, your feelings about her and the A will evolve over time. My H initially saw it as a mistake, but one that did provide some benefits to him in terms of ego validation. Really, the best way to explain that is to say that he had a lot of conflicting emotions in the first year - grief for the pain he had caused and lingering memories of the "good feelings" he had with her. After 9 months it got harder for him to remember the feelings he had during the affair and an even greater sense of shame set it. At about a year from d-day there was nothing left but a sense that he had "had it all" before the A and then pissed it away. That it was a "horror show." It will be the same for your wife probably. It can take a lot of time to really process through everything that happened and why. As much as I thought I understood at the beginning, I am light years from that now. I thought I was doing pretty well and then at about a year I actually thought of leaving him. Keep up the talking. Eventually, you will want to stop discussing the affair. But if she still wants to talk about it you need to participate. You will feel better before she does, so be prepared for when that time comes and keep giving. Be prepared for a long haul. Two years is about bare minimum for most people.
Author cadmus Posted September 12, 2008 Author Posted September 12, 2008 I am now 8 weeks into NC and I hate to say it but feelings for OW are getting stronger. I have read the books and gone to several forums but it seems so clear that that she is it. I want M to work I really do. I have the children and I do not want to chuck away 10 years with W. We are going into MC in a week and I think I need to give the M a try before making a decision. I don't think I am missing the way I felt with OW but I am missing her. I have never known a connection like it with OW male or female as I had with her.
whichwayisup Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Maybe you two did share a deep connection, but you made a choice. Your wife and kids, under one roof.. With you. Do some counselling to help you let go of the OW as well as the marriage counselling.
Author cadmus Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 I have really been missing OW so much over the last few days and have got so close to breaking NC. I post on another forum and received a private message from a member saying that I should go with my heart and contact OW, 2 of my friends have also said this to me. This got me thinking of the possibility and than I wondered if OW has moved on and has found someone, I wanted to get in touch with her and say that things still aren't great at home and does she want to make a go of it? This was a very strong thought for last few days and it has completely tore me up and made me feel like I am the beginning of withdrawal again. W sensed what was happening as I started getting depressed again and for the first time she showed some real emotion and anger, this has snapped me back into reality. I still can't stop thinking that OW is "the one" but another part of me is saying that is utter rubbish. I think I love W but I just don't know it, hoping MC can help I really can't afford to do both MC and IC.
norajane Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 Your friends and those people on the other board are wrong. Contacting the OW right now would only set you back - do you want to relive these last 8 weeks, or do you want to move forward? What are you doing as a family? Are you spending time with your children? Don't they bring you any comfort?
whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 I post on another forum and received a private message from a member saying that I should go with my heart and contact OW, 2 of my friends have also said this to me. Before you contact the OW, do yourself a huge favour. Tell your wife that it isn't working and that you want to move out, get a divorce. DO NOT go chasing after the OW first, in hopes she'll want you back. I mean, if she HAS moved on, doesn't want you back, it would be really crappy of you to then turn around and fix your marriage, all because the OW isn't there for you. Divorce because you feel your marriage is over and you do not want to be married to your wife anymore. You owe your wife the truth. OR, if you are this confused, talk it out with your MC. It seems whatever you have with your wife cannot be fixed until the OW is out of your blood - Until you let go of her. 1
Author cadmus Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 OW was almost out of my system until I received the private message. One friend I spoke to is ending is partnership (not married has 2 kids) after having affair and W not wanting him back, the other friend was herself the OW in an emotional affair, so I can see why they would offer this advice. When I was not working and W took time off, it was great, we spent quality time together sometimes just ourselves and sometimes with the children. Any decisions I make I try not to factor the children into as I dont want to stay in marriage just because of the children. Back at work now so the routine and stress have returned, when I walk into the house I am met with a wall of sound, 2 screaming children and W screaming at them. I am usually tired after my long commute but I try and find the strength to muck in an get kids bathed, dressed and ready for bed. It was the stress of it all that started me wanting to escape and as W rightly says there is not running away from it, this is parenting. I guess I need to find a way to be able to deal with it all better?
whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 You're being influenced by people who condone cheating - Those people aren't encouraging you in a proper way. I mean, as I said earlier, end your marriage first reguardless of what the OW is doing. If you want OUT of your marriage, then do it because you want to be alone and can't stand being married anymore. In your situation it seems you just want to float off to the OW when life gets too hard, too much responsibility is put on you, when life sucks at home with the kids, all the stresses get to much, your reaction is to run and hide, seek shelter with your OW. I'm glad your wife is showing some emotions and it's waking you up though. Being a parent IS hard work and at times it isn't fun at all, it just plain sucks!! But, one or two rough days shouldn't make you want out. You need IC. I'm sure there are ways you can afford to go alone afew times.. IS there something in you that's rebelling? Do you regret getting married and having kids? Do you not want to be a father and all that it brings, responsibility, accountability? Can you put them first, above your own needs, sacrifice?
Author cadmus Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 Thank you whichwayisup before OW along I never thought about leaving M ever and it is only because of her that I have ever considered it. There must have been something wrong with M in first place to allow me to cheat and I suppose that's what we need to find out in MC. I have had weeks of relative clarity and I honestly though OW was out of my system, I know that I can get there again. You have put the perspective on it I required. I do love being M most of the time and there is no way I want to leave it and be on my own. I suppose what I want is some relieve or excitement from the day to day boredom of life.
norajane Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 There must have been something wrong with M in first place to allow me to cheat and I suppose that's what we need to find out in MC. No, actually that's not true. That's part of the 'affair fog'. You think there must have been something wrong with your marriage, even though you didn't think that BEFORE you got involved with OW. It makes you feel better to think that there was something wrong with your marriage instead of admitting you chose to do something selfish because it felt good to be with a woman who admired you (and who didn't have children underfoot or require you to be a responsible parent and husband). I suppose what I want is some relieve or excitement from the day to day boredom of life.Yes, THAT's what is wrong, not your marriage. There is something within YOU that led you to seeking escape with an OW instead of figure out how to make things better at home. As I wrote earlier in the thread, if you were to leave your marriage and marry OW, you will one day be in the exact same situation you are in now. OW will also want her own children and you will be a daddy again coming home to the 'wall of sound'. You would only trade in one wife and life for another very much the same. Consider that your wife lives with that wall of sound all day long, not just in the evenings. Don't you think she might also want to escape it for the rush and excitement of a man who admires her and makes her feel good? Have you considered getting some help? Maybe hiring a baby sitter so you and your wife can get OUT of the house some nights? Or a nanny so that your wife doesn't become frazzled having to deal with screaming babies all day long without a break? Maybe instead of MC, you need to hire some help at home so you two can be adults again at times instead of parents all the time. 1
Author cadmus Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 I agree and I was begging W last year that we get someone to look after the kids not just for a few hours but ovenight but she did not want to. We always used to go away for a weekend and leave the kids at least once a year but she did not want to do that either, instead we went away with the kids but was hardly a holiday. We have booked a weekend away next month and I believe it's what we need, the weeks after the A when it all started to feel good was because we spent some quality time together just the 2 of us. Now I have gone back to work we do not have that time anymore. I think we need at least one night a week with just the 2 of us.
whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 Thank you whichwayisup before OW along I never thought about leaving M ever and it is only because of her that I have ever considered it. You're welcome. Did you by chance discuss that with your wife? Just wondering how honest you've been with her about the OW. There must have been something wrong with M in first place to allow me to cheat and I suppose that's what we need to find out in MC. No, it means that you weren't happy with yourself. Something in you wasn't happy, whether it be you not communicating or making extra effort with your wife to talk it out, spend more time together, take a bath together, anything.. You distanced yourself from the stress that kids bring and allowed a weakeness to develop - Which the OW picked up on, and you two connected. You chose this though.. I have had weeks of relative clarity and I honestly though OW was out of my system, I know that I can get there again. That's good as long as it is what you really want. But I'm not sure you're sure yet of what or who you want. Until you decide and close your heart from the OW completely, then this ride will continue because you still DO picture her in your life at times.. Not good for recovery, let alone your marriage, or your wife. You have put the perspective on it I required. I do love being M most of the time and there is no way I want to leave it and be on my own. I suppose what I want is some relieve or excitement from the day to day boredom of life. Go skydiving! Take up a fun hobby to put that thrill back into your life! It can be anything, even golf if you're into that.. Choosing to have a fling with someone to fill in the time, make your life more exciting obviously hasn't worked and it's done tons of damage in everyway possible.
whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 I agree and I was begging W last year that we get someone to look after the kids not just for a few hours but ovenight but she did not want to. We always used to go away for a weekend and leave the kids at least once a year but she did not want to do that either, instead we went away with the kids but was hardly a holiday. We have booked a weekend away next month and I believe it's what we need, the weeks after the A when it all started to feel good was because we spent some quality time together just the 2 of us. Now I have gone back to work we do not have that time anymore. I think we need at least one night a week with just the 2 of us. This is a good start. Talk to your parents, her parents, and any siblings who can babysit. If you don't go overnight somewhere then go out more together as a couple. Try to recapture the fun of dating and just having some fun, reconnecting again.
norajane Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 I agree and I was begging W last year that we get someone to look after the kids not just for a few hours but ovenight but she did not want to. We always used to go away for a weekend and leave the kids at least once a year but she did not want to do that either, instead we went away with the kids but was hardly a holiday. We have booked a weekend away next month and I believe it's what we need, the weeks after the A when it all started to feel good was because we spent some quality time together just the 2 of us. Now I have gone back to work we do not have that time anymore. I think we need at least one night a week with just the 2 of us. Did you discuss with her why she didn't want to be alone with you? If she had been fine leaving the kids in the past, then why suddenly did she not want to again? Perhaps you were not the only one who felt disconnected from the marriage. 1
Author cadmus Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 Again very astute. We have just discussed this and she says that I was no longer someone she wanted to spend time with alone. I had become so stressed and irritable that she really did not want to be with me. My mind is muddled as to whether that is because I had already started my emotional affair before I asked for time apart or I was already in it and therefore spent my emotional energy before getting home which left me tired, not interested in M and only wanting to speak to OW. In answer to Thank you whichwayisup before OW along I never thought about leaving M ever and it is only because of her that I have ever considered it. You're welcome. Did you by chance discuss that with your wife? Just wondering how honest you've been with her about the OW. Yes I have discussed this in length with W (I am being totally honest about everything now) She is obviously upset about this. "You have seen what else is out there and you know you can get it so why would you stay with me?" That again is another reason I think I had the A. Ego played a big part. I have low self esteem and when a young attractive girl wants you, that was hard to resist. When I have told trusted male friends the intial reaction to it from them was "What the hell did she see in you?" My W knows when I am struggling but I when I have clarity I see OW as a drug, a feel good drug of which the highs where amazing but the lows are just not worth it. I need to get over the addiction as our "relationship" was never real. W had become so disconnected that I found out that she was within weeks of ending M before I confessed to the A.
norajane Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Yikes, then maybe you can make something good come of all this if you are at least both on the same page now in understanding that your marriage is in serious trouble. It will require both of you to fully commit to working things out. I hope that you can learn from some of the people who have posted threads here and accept that the feelings you have now regarding OW are temporary and will pass. And once they do, look out, because you'll be hit with a WTF was I thinking? wave. And you won't care about OW at all and will wonder how you got so caught up in thinking she was at all worth ruining your marriage over.
u91746 Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Cadmus... I am reading your posts with interest. I see and hear a lot in common with my personal experience. I know several people have commented how powerful it is to have someone interested in you for you, and how stimulating that is...all true. I was there too. I got horribly caught up in that and lost complete perspective. I've asked myself the same questions, about what is wrong in my marriage, and what I've been missing out on. It's like I'd been living in black and white and all of a sudden, vibrant colour and now back to black & white and enjoy it. It is an illusion. It really is. It isn't real. I too have that low self esteem you talk about, Cadmus. What you did, and what you continue to do, is allow her, that other woman, to decide your self-esteem. You are rising or falling on her opinion of you, and letting her decide if you're worthwhile or not. That has to come from inside, Cadmus, and as long as it isn't, you'll be vulnerable to this again. From others. I've mentioned this before, but you need to move: (1) do something for others, especially your wife. Long story short, but we discussed some of the issues you raised here, and my wife's perceptions of things were very different; that stress caused her to work around me, and she didn't like spending time with me either; I saw her as withdrawing from me. (2) do something for yourself. Exercise is good. Develop something in yourself. And finally, lock it up and tuck it away. It's done, it's gone and it was a fantasy. I read an article recently that said that men enjoy sex less and think less of their wives after watching/looking at pornography. Pornography is not real, and I think there is harm in comparing ourselves to fantasies... Does that make sense? 1
Author cadmus Posted September 21, 2008 Author Posted September 21, 2008 When I think about it now the A fed itself. I had low self esteem at the new job as I was constantly getting told off for poor work and performance, the reason I was not performing was because of the time I spent messing about sending emails and being distracted by the OW. So my confidence was rocked and I turned to the nearest available source to give me a confidence boost but in the mean time was making my job worse. I have started me new job now and feel very confident in it. W and I start MC tomorrow and I have a session of IC booked for Thursday (benefit of new job, free counselling). Have booked IC because I need to find a way of getting OW out of my head and blood. I still have moments of missing her but it comes in waves, the last week the waves seem to getting smaller and smaller.
u91746 Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 I hear you Cadmus...I had to go to IC for the same thing. What worked finally was two things: (1) buddy had me write the good-bye note I wanted to hear from her and I read it...it was completely sappy, unrealistic and not at all grounded in reality. Wake up call. And (2) I realized finally that this was nothing for her, all in my head, and *that* was a big relief...it was NOT love. I suspect it was in your case either. NOT love, just something else, something not real. Let me know how it goes.
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