Ended the affair but head in bits (long)

[cadmus]

Had a much better day today, felt better that the full truth was finally out and much of my anxiety has gone.

 

I have been throwing myself back into things rather than sit about and dwell, if she enters my thoughts I say to myself "so what" and shrug my shoulders

 

I felt properly happy today and spending time with my wife and 2 children has done it. Just bought the mrs some flowers and she seems a lot happier too.

 

Hope I can keep this going, can see no reason why not.

[cadmus]

"You are still so obviously attatched to this woman. You saying 'at this moment in time would do anythign to see her again' does make me worry you may backslide. It's such a powerful draw. Is she doing anything to attempt contact with you?"

 

No she had made no attempt to contact me at all. In my mixed up mind that is either makes her good or bad.

 

Good she has not done it but does that mean she did not love me as much as she said in which case good riddance. Or maybe she loves me so much she is respecting my wishes.

 

Trying to think it's the first reason, often in our "relationship" I seemed to be doing a lot of the chasing and the more I look back, the whole thing was more on her terms than mine and she would often not contact me when she said she would and the get annoyed at me if I enquired why.

[cadmus]

Still struggling.

 

Really having trouble sleeping, will start to drift off and then thoughts of her will creep in and then I can't sleep.

 

I can change the channel when I am fully awake but can't do it when near sleep.

 

Trouble is W is tired because of my lack of sleep and can't see how that is gonna help towards R.

 

Grrrrr

 

I hate myself so much and I hate this situation I have put my family into.

[InaPanic]

I do feel for you & your wife right now cadmus. Not a lot of people have any sympathy for the cheater & i can understand why. But prior to my affair i never would have imagined the feelings & pain that the cheater actually feels. I had a self-loathing like you wouldn't believe. And it did affect everything i did. I'm just now getting over that & beginning to forgive myself because i know if i can't forgive me, then my husband can't.

I think of myself & my life like the me before the affair & the me after the affair...and it trickles down from there. My husband...my marriage...etc. When i think about things in my past it's always broke down in my head in one of those two catagories. It will change you when all you want, or at least for me, was to go back to how i was before the affair.

It's so hard to not think of someone tho. I still stuggle with it sadly. I wish i could give you some sure fire pointers but other than staying strong & not breaking over & making contact I have nothing else to suggest.

[u91746]

Hang in there. It's a long road. I am still struggling with this and it's eight months on now. In IC, I was told that, especially for the BS, it's a double-digit month-long process; we're not quite at 10 months yet.

 

Last night, I went to a local pub to celebrate a colleague's promotion. Most of my friends were there. As was she. I'd been given some intel that she might be there, so I wasn't completely unprepared. I gave the colleague a gift I had for the promotion, and told her I'd have to leave...she knew why. She asked that I sit for a drink, so I had one and then left.

 

These are my closest friends. They do not know about this thing...thankfully. It was very hard to see her there and not be able to be sociable really, abide by the no contact. I left early, but not so early that it was obvious, and came home and talked to my wife for an hour. Stirred up a lot of **** and we had a good talk.

 

Frankly, I still have mixed feelings. If she told me she was leaving her husband and children, I'd have a very hard day. And I cry a lot...not very manly, really, but I do frequently. I feel the whole range of emotions, sadness, shame, anger...mostly at myself...and loss. It's been months.

 

I think it is like having an operation; the wound heals, but there is forever a scar. For everyone involved. I know it has changed me in ways I never expected; mostly, by shaking my core confidence to rock bottom; not to mention the change to my relationship with my wife.

[You'reasian]

Colleagues had labelled us Office Husband and Wife, I saw no harm in it as it was pretty light with mostly juvenile joke telling and not much more. Soon we where talking to each other out of works time, emails, messenger and text messages. I was still having a really hard time of it at work and we helped cheer each other up. .

 

You should have put up your boundaries immediately and stuck to them if you loved your wife. Its that simple.

 

 

About March time the weather was getting a little better and OW and I were sat on a park bench near work, I was having a really bad day and very stressed and she gave me a cuddle to cheer me up, now she had given me hugs before but this time she did not break away from me but laid across me for a good few minutes, I then realised that the attraction was mutual. I did the right thing and reminded her I was married and could not go any further, she accepted that and we both agreed that we eat lunch together in the office.

 

2 days later, the boss calls us both in and said that rumours about us had started and we needed to be careful, we decided that eating lunch at work was no longer an option and neither was not spending time together, we could handle the attraction.

 

So for just over a month everything was ok until OW said she could no longer fight her feelings for me, I gave in too and we kissed for the first time I felt guilt after it but as soon as I saw her again all guilty feelings disappeared, everything disappeared I just wanted to be with her, the kissing developed to more sexual stimulation but we did not have sex for a while until just before the affair ended..

 

And now you're going to have to answer up to your wife for this and work twice as hard to build up your trust...

 

 

I want to be able to move on and get marriage working we have booked counselling but even though I have moments of clarity where I think "Look what you almost lost" I still have moments where I think that life with the OW would be so much better.Any help in how to get over this ambivalent feelings would be great.

 

New relationships always feel good, right? But you were already married and just because this woman made you feel good doesn't mean you'd end up in the same place - right?

 

When you met your wife for the first time, I bet you had this new feeling as well. Get yourself a baby sitter for the kids, and start having an affair with your wife.

 

Yep, that's right.

 

On your busy day, agree to meet her at some arranged place and time. You bump into her. Tell her she looks gorgeous (of course she made herself look good in advance). Come up with some funny jokes to get her laughing, buy her a few drinks and bust a move....on your wife.

 

Gotta keep things creative and fresh.

[mattym]

Hi Cadmus

 

I've read through your thread and a lot of it strikes a chord with me, so for what it's worth here are my thoughts

 

Firstly let me just tell you how sorry I am that you're going through this. Some people will say you deserve to feel miserable. I believe things are never black and white, people make errors, and people are selfish, but that doesn't mean you can't make amends or become a better person

 

My OW was a work colleague, and when it all finished I thought maybe we could be friends, so consequently a few times I fell off the wagon.

 

You must maintain NC.

 

This is paramount. If you have decided you love your wife then you have to break the addictive cycle, or each time you see or speak to OW it will be like fighting a battle with yourself where you will always lose.

 

I tried to do this, to just chat and be friends, but the memories come back, and all it does is set back your recovery. It's hard, incredibly hard, to dissolve a bond like that with someone, but everything I've read and experienced tells me it's the only way it genuinely works

 

You sound as though, like me, you are blessed with a wonderful woman for a wife. You know us men are such idiots sometimes, we have women who love us and our own families and yet never remind ourselves what a precious thing this is, and how lucky we are. Your wife will be in turmoil and she needs you to show her that you love her. I know this will be hard because you are also going through a 'break up' inside, but you must find a way to do this

 

What helped me was reminding myself that each time I gave thoughts or spent time or money on the OW I would be robbing my kids of time with their Dad, or taking something away from my Wife.

 

You are a Father, and you will understand that no OW will ever regard your kids as you & your wife do, it just doesn't happen.

 

Post here often if you find it a good release. There are some wonderful people on this board. I've said it before and still believe that coming here a year ago saved my marriage.

 

The right thing has happened for you, I'm sure. I'm sure by now you've been told that the chances of you two successfully building a relationship are around the 3-5% mark. Meanwhile your Wife will feel inferior and your kids harmed forever

 

I thought my OW was my 'soul-mate' and felt all the feelings you have now. But my friend I don't believe soul-mates have to go sneaking around and lying to everyone they know. We dress it up because we don't want to call it what it really is - lust & selfishness, with a sprinkle of dopamine thrown in!

 

Remember, you have made a decision. Now be strong, stick with it & focus on those people at home. use this experience to teach you how lucky you are to have what you have. Post here a lot to get those feelings out and this will leave more of you to help your wife, who needs you now more than you probably realise

 

I truly hope it works out for you

 

Feel free to pm me if you wish to chat

 

Matt

[whichwayisup]

Wow Matty! You have come a long way and now you have so much wisdom! Great post reply.

 

Looking forward to reading your update!

[cadmus]

Been through a lot of feelings since last posting. I think Tuesday was the worst day, the fog lifted and I could finally see what I had done with very clear eyes and I hated myself so much, tried to spend time with my dad to take my mind of it (he doesn't know) but the emotion I was feeling was so raw I had to go home and just cry it out.

 

This was the first day my wife had gone back to work and I was left alone, I missed her so much. The only thing that made feel better was her. To me though that was a double edged sword. How could the person I hurt help me to get through the pain I was feeling.

 

When I was going through the worst of I send

t a text message to my W which basically said that I did not deserve her.

 

She sent me the following reply

 

"no but you got me the day I fell in love with you and thats not likely to change. Love you and miss you"

 

My Wife's view on what's happened is that yes I made a terrible mistake and have hurt her in the worst way but she can see that I am truely remorseful and she can not see how she can punish me more than I am doing to myself (have lost nearly 3 stone in weight since affair started and ended).

 

We have changed so many things already, little things like buying a patio heater so we can sit outside talking instead of in front of the TV. Kids are being babysat more and we are spending more quality time together.

 

I start a new job in 2 days and see it as the new start we all need.

 

Do I think that the hard times are over? NO but as W said together we are stong enough to pull through.

 

Do I think about OW? Sometimes but there is no desire to contact her ever again, in fact I actually fear accidently seeing her.

 

The future looks good at this moment in time, I know that we both might have set backs along the way but we have made a vow to get through them together.

[mattym]

Wow Matty! You have come a long way and now you have so much wisdom! Great post reply.

 

Looking forward to reading your update!

 

 

LOL, Hi WWIU - last thing I have is wisdom. If I was wise I'd never have dug this hole for myself! I've just had 12 long hard months to learn a few lessons

 

Anyway, this isn't my thread- OP - those feelings are perfectly normal. Just an aside, be careful when you see the OW- you may feel an urge to re-start things. You have to fight that and keep any contact to an absolute minimum.

 

Your wife sounds like one in a million. I know you feel low, but make sure you ask how she's feeling and be there for her. She sounds like she is worth 10 of the OW IMO

 

take care

[merlin2]

hate to be pedantic but its not dopamine that gives 'the buzz'-its serotonin mixed with a little oxytocin-that gives off that bonding feeling.Too much dopamine will make you think the woman on tv is sending you secret messages via the weather report!

[u91746]

Really enjoyed reading this thread and especially your post there, Mattym....gives me a lot of hope.

[cadmus]

Again I have had a very normal day, Days like this would have felt boring before but I see them with new eyes.

 

Kids playing up - I stop what I am doing and entertain them.

Wife looks down - Go and give her a cuddle and tell her I love her.

 

My daughter turned 4 yesterday and I thought to myself that I could have missed it. Very sobering thought.

 

Still think there is a long way to go and expect the worst of it to come when we go into counselling but if we can keep this routine (I used to hate that word) we have a good chance.

[mattym]

Your wife sounds very supportive, and you are thinking of the right things

 

Keep it up & stay strong. I found it's an art of noticing yourself thinking about OW & telling yourself to focus your thoughts elsewhere

 

Keep yourself busy, both at work & home.

 

Good luck, it can be done

[cadmus]

Started new job and has been the new start I needed. Thoughts of OW have crept in occasionaly, the confidence she gave me helped me do a really good interview but I am NOT going to contact her.

 

Some days no problem and barely think about her, other days she is often on my thoughts. Suppose it will get easier with time

[cadmus]

Yep really struggling. New job is a long commute away and I have got home very tired and irritable and who used to cheer me up and get me out of these moods? Yep OW

 

Now I know that contacting her is a not an option but finding it a real struggle today. not struggled like this for quite a few weeks.

 

I guess it's because I have been off work for a while but now the routine has started again and I yearn for the release that she provided.

 

I am telling myself all the right things to try and get over it but for some reason today she won't get out of my head.

 

Need to be strong and focus on what I have but she was such a release from the everyday dullness of life.

 

Hope the Marriage Counselling starts soon, I need to find another way to inject some excitement back into life.

[Owl]

So have you considered calling your wife and talking with her during your long commute(s)?

 

Give your wife the chance to cheer you up, and be the person you look forward to coming home to.

[u91746]

Interesting you say that, cadmus. I was thinking about that today. I wonder how much for me this process was not being challenged at home and in life, and wanting something truly exciting. I know I've discussed the "vibrant colours" of spring vs. the dull palette of winter with some...I think the comparison to an addiction is accurate...and one that's not easily broken.

 

Doing for others, and concentrating on others, has helped me...at least stop the navel gazing!

 

You will have good and bad days. I have days of spontaneous crying. Days where I am bored to death and long for the attention, the boost. All there...you are not alone.

[cadmus]

I suppose that now A has ended and feelings are slowly fading for OW. I am back to where I was before it started. Which is good in some ways. This time I get a second chance to fix the problem rather than just run away from it and throw myself into the arms of someone who made me feel good.

 

W and I are the one who should be making each other feel good and that's what I am going to concentrate on.

[signedin2008]

I am surprised that you wife hasn't gone through the anger, sad, resentment, etc. stages yet. Maybe she's still in shock or you're just lucky to have an extraordinary lady.

[cadmus]

Yes a few people have posted that she might go through these stages and it worried me a lot.

 

She had never got angry at me in the last 10 years over anything and she is not the type of person who does.

 

I spoke to my counsellor about it and that I was worried it was coming, she said that why would someone who has never done that for 10 years suddenly start now? Is she suddenly going to completely change personality?

 

I sometimes think she is holding it in for when MC starts as she wants to get it out in a controlled enviroment, she did tell me that she had a very bad temper when she was younger and is scared of it.

 

I have asked her repeatedly if she feels angry and she says no, dunno maybe it is in the post but no signs yet.

[whichwayisup]

she said that why would someone who has never done that for 10 years suddenly start now? Is she suddenly going to completely change personality?

 

The most sane, even keeled person CAN lose it and have emotional outbursts, anger and feel awful after finding out about the affair. She has every right to feel that, if and when it hits her. Just support her through that, let her feel whatever she wants..It may take a while, but sooner or later it WILL come. She also may be hiding it from you because she's scared it'll push you back into the arms of the OW, not make you love her, or want her, not want to work on the marriage.

 

You are lucky though to have a wife who's giving you a second chance and making it quite easy on you. Don't lose focus and don't take advantage of that either - Last thing you need to do is slip and call the OW...

[signedin2008]

 

I have asked her repeatedly if she feels angry and she says no, dunno maybe it is in the post but no signs yet.

 

She might be on the edge internally. One mis-step by you can push her over to the other side of no return. You should spend more time and energy making up to her for the rest of your life or at least for the next few years to come.

 

Some day, she might come to the realization of "why am I staying with a cheater and a liar when there are men out there who would never betrayed their love ones?"

[cadmus]

I do think sometimes that W is not letting everything out because she is scared of losing me but then again she did have one massive outburst a few weeks ago when she did say I was free to go to OW.

 

To me she seems to be fighting fire with fire which seems to be working. It's like she is reminding me of what I could have lost.

 

I think that's wrong, surely I should be the one making the extra effort (which I am) but I suppose we both are.

 

W has never reacted to any situation in a typical manor and that seems to be the case now.

[smartgirl]

I do think sometimes that W is not letting everything out because she is scared of losing me but then again she did have one massive outburst a few weeks ago when she did say I was free to go to OW.

 

To me she seems to be fighting fire with fire which seems to be working. It's like she is reminding me of what I could have lost.

 

I think that's wrong, surely I should be the one making the extra effort (which I am) but I suppose we both are.

 

W has never reacted to any situation in a typical manor and that seems to be the case now.

 

Every person handles trauma differently and this is a trauma that wounds deeply. At first I behaved in a very controlled manner. I think I was just in shock and denial. The anger and pain really came on over time as I struggled to figure out why he put so much at risk. Could she have been that great to risk everything for? Why didn't he think of what he was doing to me?

 

I've done a lot of reading (books and articles) and have gained a lot of understanding of the generalities of affairs and what people go through and that has helped me a lot. Your wife could benefit from some of these I'm sure as she begins to really face what has happened. First I would get After the Affair by Janice Abrahms Springs. Please also read the article I sent the link for on page 2 of this thread. That helped me a lot to not feel so threatened by some of his behavior during the affair.

 

If you do not feel you are being helped by the therapist, try another. We went through three before we really found someone who was helping us.

 

My husband's affair was essentially a work friendship that crossed the line due to physical attraction. After he was recovered from his own level of trauma he saw clearly how deluded he was about that relationship when it was going on. Our recovery has dragged on in large part because they still work together. It is very complicated to explain but he cannot leave and she won't. You have done the right thing by maintaining NC and switching jobs. Be as open with her as she wants you to and that will help more than anything. Any lies and deceptions from this point on will be 10x more painful to her than what happened during the affair.

 

Lastly a small suggestion: my H started calling me every night on his way home from work after the A and while I am making dinner. Several years later we are still doing it. It makes me feel relevant in his work day and it gives him a chance to vent and unwind and feel connected to me. That is really his time to talk and I do my talking after he is home. Your OW became a habit and habits can be really hard to break. Develop some new habits with your wife and it really can be even better.