Ended the affair but head in bits (long)

[cadmus]

About a month ago the affair I was in ended, it had started as an emotional affair and became physical for a couple of months before ending.

 

I started a new job last October and it was horrible, had a bully of a boss and the atmosphere in the office was really bad, a month prior to me starting the new job my W gave birth to our second child.

 

I was suffering from stress very early on in the new job and on when I returned home from it I was met with 2 screaming children and a stressed out frustrated wife, I helped as much as I could but my W was breast feeding baby so could not do much to help with feeding times.

 

Anyway about 2 weeks into my new job I met the OW at an induction course, she worked in my office but had never noticed her before, needless to say we connected instantly, exact same sense of humour and pretty much everything else was a match. In the next few months we grew closer and closer and started seeing more of each other in works time (lunch and walk to bus station at end of day). Colleagues had labelled us Office Husband and Wife, I saw no harm in it as it was pretty light with mostly juvenile joke telling and not much more. Soon we where talking to each other out of works time, emails, messenger and text messages. I was still having a really hard time of it at work and we helped cheer each other up.

 

Soon I started feeling that an attraction was developing but tried to ignore it as I was married and as long as nothing physical was going on could see no problem (did not know about emotional affairs then).

 

About March time the weather was getting a little better and OW and I were sat on a park bench near work, I was having a really bad day and very stressed and she gave me a cuddle to cheer me up, now she had given me hugs before but this time she did not break away from me but laid across me for a good few minutes, I then realised that the attraction was mutual. I did the right thing and reminded her I was married and could not go any further, she accepted that and we both agreed that we eat lunch together in the office.

 

2 days later, the boss calls us both in and said that rumours about us had started and we needed to be careful, we decided that eating lunch at work was no longer an option and neither was not spending time together, we could handle the attraction.

 

So for just over a month everything was ok until OW said she could no longer fight her feelings for me, I gave in too and we kissed for the first time I felt guilt after it but as soon as I saw her again all guilty feelings disappeared, everything disappeared I just wanted to be with her, the kissing developed to more sexual stimulation but we did not have sex for a while until just before the affair ended.

 

The affair ended because reality was setting in, I had made excuses to be away for a few hours on a Sunday so I could see her, we had sex in my car and stayed in the car for a few hours, that drained the car battery some what and the car would not start and I was parked in a place that I would not be able to explain to my W why.

 

The next day we went for drinks with people from work, when that had finished we decided to go for a drink on our own and we were spotted by a work colleague.

 

The next day OW decided that we could carry on no longer as it was pretty evident we would get caught and she wanted to us to be proper, I agreed although felt totally devastated. The following day after some communication with OW she told me that she wanted me to make the decision between her and W. W came home from work in the afternoon and found me at home in absolute bits, I was having panic attacks and could not do anything so in the end I broke down and confessed. I was expecting fire works and to be thrown out the house but W was understanding and actually hugged me instead and at that point in time I knew that I wanted my wife.

 

That was about a month ago and after making one last phone call to her to say goodbye have ended all contact with OW removed any picture I have of her and any reminders but we had so much in common and laughed at so many things that the slightest thing reminds me off her and when I think of her I just want to see her so much. I know that what I had with OW is not real and my W has been so understanding and forgiving but I still have times where my mind is telling me to go with OW.

 

I want to be able to move on and get marriage working we have booked counselling but even though I have moments of clarity where I think "Look what you almost lost" I still have moments where I think that life with the OW would be so much better.

 

Any help in how to get over this ambivalent feelings would be great.

[cadmus]

I should explain also that OW has since got a new job and I am starting a new job in a couple of weeks.

 

I tried to go back to my current job even though she was not there but the reminders and the general awfulness of the office caused me to have panic attacks. So doctor has signed me off work with anxiety and depression

[Owl]

What I've NOT heard was anything to improve the homefront at all.

 

Have you told your wife about your affair? Have you sought out marriage counseling? Discussed the issues at home that are stressing you out? Have you considered changes that could be instituted to help BOTH you and your wife out when dealing with the kids/homelife?

 

Getting rid of the ambivilant feelings is easier than you think. Fix things at home...and your feelings for your wife will return. We've seen it happen time and again to WS's (wayward spouses).

[cadmus]

What I've NOT heard was anything to improve the homefront at all.

 

Have you told your wife about your affair? Have you sought out marriage counseling? Discussed the issues at home that are stressing you out? Have you considered changes that could be instituted to help BOTH you and your wife out when dealing with the kids/homelife?

 

Getting rid of the ambivilant feelings is easier than you think. Fix things at home...and your feelings for your wife will return. We've seen it happen time and again to WS's (wayward spouses).

 

 

We are on waiting list for counselling and have already started to change routine to make home life easier. The problem I have is thoughts of OW keep creeping in an when it happens I get very depressed and tend to withdraw from it all. I want to able to get the emotional energy to be able to throw myself back into the marriage, some days I can do it and other days I feel so low that I just want to sit in a room and cry.

 

This is not fair on W at all and I hate myself for what I have done and I feel like I am rubbing salt into an open wound by longing for the OW.

[whichwayisup]

when I returned home from it I was met with 2 screaming children and a stressed out frustrated wife, I helped as much as I could but my W was breast feeding baby so could not do much to help with feeding times.

 

So, the OW provided you a fantasy, where things were easy and fun compared to home life.

 

New family's just starting out need to adjust! It isn't easy and life can really suck. You chose to cheat instead of just sucking it up and letting the crap times pass..

 

but even though I have moments of clarity where I think "Look what you almost lost" I still have moments where I think that life with the OW would be so much better.

 

OW = Fun and hot sex, free, no responsibility of a house, kids, money issues, inlaws, life's daily crap that everyone has to deal with.

 

Wife = Your lover, your friend, your supporter, the one person you can rely on through thick and thin, the mother of your children.

 

Please go read MattyM's threads, I'll try to find you the link.

 

Does your wife know about your affair?

[cadmus]

Yes she knows, when it ended I was having so many panic attacks and crying so much that I broke down and told her. I felt at that time that I had a moment of clarity as all I could do was beg her to forgive me.

 

I suggested the counselling and I have been completely open and honest about everything and my brilliant wife has been so understanding and just wants me back the way I was before all this started back when I got the new job.

[whichwayisup]

You do know you need to quit that new job because of the OW. The trust can never be built back up until you do that.

 

You are lucky that you have a wife who wants to give you a second chance.

 

Do one on one counselling with the marriage counsellor to help you cope and get rid of what you feel for the OW. What you felt for her is all based on selfish feelings, ego and it making you feel good and special. Sex, lust, whatever - ALL based on fantasy and fun - Not love, so don't mistake that and don't compare what you have with your wife to what you shared with the OW.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t127469/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t135501/

 

And, a thread he started about thoughts of being a MM having an affair.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t137371/

[cadmus]

You do know you need to quit that new job because of the OW. The trust can never be built back up until you do that.

 

You are lucky that you have a wife who wants to give you a second chance.

 

Do one on one counselling with the marriage counsellor to help you cope and get rid of what you feel for the OW. What you felt for her is all based on selfish feelings, ego and it making you feel good and special. Sex, lust, whatever - ALL based on fantasy and fun - Not love, so don't mistake that and don't compare what you have with your wife to what you shared with the OW.

 

Yes I have quit that job, could not go back to it even though she had also quit as the memories in the office triggered panic. I start new job in a couple of weeks and it is very far away from the old job.

 

I had one hour of telephone counselling which helped for a while, you are right I will book another hour of it.

 

Thanks for your advice, I feel regret, remorse and loss of a friend more than anything else if we have just kept to being friends but now I know that would not have worked.

 

Things have been slowly improving with W. I made the mistake of seeing a mutual friend from the office this week which is why I think I have been set back some what.

[Owl]

The depression, the 'moments of missing and thinking about OW'...this is all normal at the end of the affair.

 

You're going through what's called the "withdrawl period". OW was like a drug to you...the affair itself was addictive.

 

You're going through the symptoms of withdrawl due to the end of that affair and interaction with OW.

 

This is normal...and transitory. It WILL get better over time and effort, and finally completely vanish.

 

Look for a book called "Surviving an Affair"...read it. There is a LOT of good information in there that can help you see things from all three sides...yours, OW's, and your wife's.

 

Knowing that its normal, and knowing that it won't last can help you get past it MUCH easier.

[norajane]

Even if you divorced your wife and hooked up with the OW, your responsibilities to your babies would NOT EVER go away.

 

And if you and OW married or whatever, you would eventually end up in EXACTLY the same place you are now - OW would have children, and then you would have to come home to screaming babies again, PLUS you would still have the other screaming children at your ex-wife's house.

 

And if you don't figure out in extensive counseling what it is within you that allowed you to 'run away' from your home life and choose to cheat instead of facing up to your problems and dealing with them, you will find yourself in another affair with another OW who makes you feel good without responsibility.

[cadmus]

The depression, the 'moments of missing and thinking about OW'...this is all normal at the end of the affair.

 

You're going through what's called the "withdrawl period". OW was like a drug to you...the affair itself was addictive.

 

You're going through the symptoms of withdrawl due to the end of that affair and interaction with OW.

 

This is normal...and transitory. It WILL get better over time and effort, and finally completely vanish.

 

Look for a book called "Surviving an Affair"...read it. There is a LOT of good information in there that can help you see things from all three sides...yours, OW's, and your wife's.

 

Knowing that its normal, and knowing that it won't last can help you get past it MUCH easier.

 

Thank you that really helps me. My head knows these things already but I guess what I am afraid of at the moment is when the greaving takes over I just shut down when I should be throwing myself back into my marriage and making it work.

 

Would like to know how to find strength to push thoughts of her away and be able to move on.

[Owl]

That's part of what you need to discuss with your counselor. There are a couple of techniques you can try to change your thought patterns, but they're going to require a lot of effort at first.

 

To begin with, when you DO start slipping into thinking about OW...recognize it. And DELIBERATELY 'change the subject' in your mind to something else. Don't let your mind wander down that path...redirect your thoughts to something beneficial instead.

 

Its a CHOICE.

[cadmus]

Really trying to not think of her or think of something else but no matter what I do I can't seem to get her out of my head.

 

Had a massive panic attack this morning after a long period of being calm. I can't eat, sleep or do much of anything at all.

 

We are waiting for counselling to start but that be could be a month away, I know when it starts it will be expensive and we are already pretty short of cash.

 

Probably not available but does anyone know of any low priced or even free professional counselling service available, either telephone or online?

 

I really do need help as I keep getting deeper and deeper into depression and my W says that I am starting to bring her down with me. Really have tried to suck it in and put on a brave face and do the right thing and get on with stuff, I can do it for an hour or so but then depression takes over.

 

Any help at all would be great.

[InaPanic]

Cadmus, i know how you feel. i was so deep in thought over OM that there really was no just switching it off for me. I would try but it just wouldn't work. what i worry about for you is that if the desire to see her or talk to her again gets too strong you will break down & do it. This is what happened to me for a year & a half after affair. It just drug on forever because i could never remain strong enough to completely end the contact because i missed him so much. It is like a drug, this other person, & that's how you have to look at it. I'm now 9 months since the last contact but i have to be honest & say I still have days, recently actually, that it takes all the strength i have to not send off an email or something. but i remind myself of what i have to lose if i do that & it stops me.

It will get easier as time goes by & i think once you get your head a little more cleared out then you will be able to move more forward with your marriage. that's what happened with me. but there are days i think this person, the OM, will haunt my memories the rest of my life. but i also think that it's possible he won't & neither will yours perhaps.

[cadmus]

Some days I have absolute clarity and see the relationship for what is was and other days I am reminded of so many fun things we did. People in the office said we were kindred spirits and that we are the same person but different genders.

 

My wife is complete opposite and although I can make her laugh (generally I can make anyone laugh) she rarely has had the ability to do that for me, my OW could crack me up with a look.

 

It was never an issue before meeting OW but when I think of her it's the laughter and the things we laughed at that no one else found funny that I miss the most.

 

I made the mistake this week of seeing a mutual friend from the office, told him what had happened but we ended up talking about her and he said we were so compatible and everyone in the office thought so to.

 

I regret every becoming more than friends with her, it is not the loss of the affair I am grieving and we both agreed that we could not live together as we are so similar. It's having her as a friend that I miss the most and I know that is that possible.

 

I have had friends move away and leave jobs but have always kept in touch with them and now I realise that even the other close friendships I made in this job I can't keep as anything associated with her is too hard for me to deal with.

 

I try and think about the bad personality traits she had but they are pretty much the same as mine, only thing I dislike about her was she could hide feelings well and could be quite cold. She was very cold when it ended and managed to go back to the office and laugh and joke with colleagues even though she could see how devastated I was.

 

My W has been so loving and caring since the reveal and we are both willing to do anything to get M working.

 

I start new job in just over a week and do not want to be in this state when I do, I can't switch my feelings off or distract myself enough to not think of her.

 

Really worried that this is gonna spill over and affect my performance in the new job.

[InaPanic]

I understand missing the friendship. OM & I would have continued to make great friends had we not crossed the line. I wish it had only stayed that too. But it didn't & now there is no going back to friendship for you or for me. And that's a hard realization to come to.

 

Maybe this new job is going to be that blessing in disguise for you. Rather than poorly performing you will find it to be the distraction you so badly need & you can throw yourself into it & that will help squeeze her out.

 

It's only been a month i think you said. That's really not that long. It will take time to forget her. And with any other addiction this may be something you have to battle the rest of your life. I truly feel like mine is.

[cadmus]

Thank you so very much.

 

I have been thinking that things will be better in new job too but I just thought I am probably kidding myself

 

To hear it from someone I don't know has given me great optomism.

 

The new job I am going to is actually a higher paid more skilled version of the job I left a year ago (they wanted be back).

 

In my head it will feel like I am going back to a year ago with the same people I worked with before OW ever came into my life.

 

I just want the whole nightmare of this last year to end, the horrible job and the horrible person I became to allow myself to do this to my family.

 

This forum really helps, I know W has posted onto a forum but she can't remember which one, will give her the link to this.

 

I am currently in a moment of clear thinking I hope I can maintain it.

[norajane]

I regret every becoming more than friends with her, it is not the loss of the affair I am grieving

 

It's having her as a friend that I miss the most.

 

I know you truly believe this, and I understand that the two of you had a lot of similarities and good things about your relationship that would lead you to believe that.

 

However, at this time in your detachment process, it is very difficult for you to truly separate the friendship from the attraction. Odds are, if it were not for the attraction between you, your friendship would not have become nearly as warm or fulfilling as it was. Even before you acknowledged the attraction, it was there, and it was impacting the kind of close relationship you developed with her. Had the attraction not been there at all, your friendship would not have developed quite as it did.

 

only thing I dislike about her was she could hide feelings well and could be quite cold. She was very cold when it ended and managed to go back to the office and laugh and joke with colleagues even though she could see how devastated I was.

 

This illustrates my point. Had she not been attracted to you and you to her, that coldness that is a character trait of hers may have prevented much of a friendship from starting.

[cadmus]

I feel like the worst kind of person tonight

 

When W had asked me to initially reveal how often sex had happened I said only once. A week later I said not true and said it had occured twice (that is stlll not true but wanted to soften the blow)

 

I cracked tonight and told her the truth, sex had happened about 4 times. OW was a virgin, I asked her constantly if she really wanted to do this knowing all the facts but she was sure. The first time was ok but awkward and neither of us felt comfortable with it so we wanted to do it again but better which was the 2nd time and it was good so explains why we did it another couple of time.

 

I think my recent panic attacks have been guilt about not telling her the truth when I should have done.

 

W took the news so bad and almost feels like back to square one again except that she said that I was free to leave and pursue OW again if I wanted and for the first time I really realised that was not what I wanted.

 

We talked a lot and I hope we are back to almost solid ground again.

 

Wished I had been more honest from the beginning but I had not read anything or had any clue what was best, thought at the time I was doing the right thing.

 

Worried about the future again now, W had said she was just starting to trust me again and I dropped that on her.

 

What kind of human being am I?

[u91746]

Cadmus, thanks for your honest and insightful post. This is a hard time for you. I went through a very similar situation earlier this year.

 

I'll tell you the feelings are *potent* and do not soon go away. I have a strong feeling that simple PA's are easier to get over than EA's that turn physical, as yours did here. For me, the *connection* was powerful, much more powerful, than the physical aspect. She told me once, "kissing is more important" than the other stuff.

 

Your head, if it was like mine, is up your a$$ and in a fog. The allusion to the drug is accurate. You need to clear your mind. I found myself for months, and I mean *months* obsessing and thinking *all the time* about OW - who was married - and trying to make it work.

 

What has been said here, about falling back into the same situation but - as Alanis Morissette put it - with "somebody else", is very true. And you did not have time to see any faults with the OW; they are there, different and you'd learn to like her less.

 

But it is hard. Get busy, get active, continue the NC with OW and keep your focus on the homefront. It is a drug addiction; I'm going to guess you're heading into midlife, and that unconditional, no strings attached attention is powerful stuff.

 

There are, very likely, things you can improve at home, but the biggest lesson I learned through all of this is that depression can be caused by excessive narcisisim; think outwards, and stop belly gazing. Appreciate what you have and enjoy it; stop feeling sorry for your loss, acknowledge what's happened and move *forward*, not backwards, lingering in the past.

 

Make sense?

[u91746]

And this will take time, by the way. Today, I got into my car and *still* remembered our encounter there...might have to go so far as to sell the darn thing. Little things all over the place. Get rid of them, move forward.

[smartgirl]

I recently ran across an article that has helped me a great deal. There were a number of aspects of how my H behaved and felt toward OW during his affair that I had a lot of trouble getting over. There are things you have described in your posts that also resonate with things described in the article. Look especially at the sections called Romantic Infidelity and Men and Women Who Cheat. Perhaps it will help you to see your experience described in more clinical, and less romantic, terms.

 

Look http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=19930501-000027&page=1

[cadmus]

Cadmus, thanks for your honest and insightful post. This is a hard time for you. I went through a very similar situation earlier this year.

 

I'll tell you the feelings are *potent* and do not soon go away. I have a strong feeling that simple PA's are easier to get over than EA's that turn physical, as yours did here. For me, the *connection* was powerful, much more powerful, than the physical aspect. She told me once, "kissing is more important" than the other stuff.

 

Your head, if it was like mine, is up your a$$ and in a fog. The allusion to the drug is accurate. You need to clear your mind. I found myself for months, and I mean *months* obsessing and thinking *all the time* about OW - who was married - and trying to make it work.

 

What has been said here, about falling back into the same situation but - as Alanis Morissette put it - with "somebody else", is very true. And you did not have time to see any faults with the OW; they are there, different and you'd learn to like her less.

 

But it is hard. Get busy, get active, continue the NC with OW and keep your focus on the homefront. It is a drug addiction; I'm going to guess you're heading into midlife, and that unconditional, no strings attached attention is powerful stuff.

 

There are, very likely, things you can improve at home, but the biggest lesson I learned through all of this is that depression can be caused by excessive narcisisim; think outwards, and stop belly gazing. Appreciate what you have and enjoy it; stop feeling sorry for your loss, acknowledge what's happened and move *forward*, not backwards, lingering in the past.

 

Make sense?

 

 

All makes sense and I am doing my very best to practice it. When W said last night that I was free to go I felt a mixture of sadness and happiness. I knew she did not mean it and at the time my overriding fear was loosing her but there is always a little devil voice in my head which thinks the other way. That voice was trying to remember OW phone number to see if I could get in touch with her.

 

I do try not to linger but there is so much stuff that can trigger memories, we laughed at so many things. An advert on the telly can do it, a shop sign, a news story. There are just so many triggers.

 

We used to look at stories and shop signs (well pretty much anything) and replace certain words to make them funny, after doing this for months it has become second nature and everytime I do it I am instantly reminded of her.

 

I don't feel ambivalence all the time and I think that the pendulem seems to be more often than not swinging towards W but every so often it swings the other way and I want OW.

 

Really trying to hang in there. At this moment in time would do anything to see her again and I want to know she is ok. This is so very hard my physical health is suffering and I just want to be normal again.

[InaPanic]

I also was not up front about all the detail with my husband. Some here might say it was to protect myself & they may be right. Tho it didn't feel like that. I saw how much he was hurting when i confessed of the affair & when he started asking me questions like 'how many times did you see him' & 'how many times did you have sex' i lied. It felt like putting salt in the wound to go into graphic details & to be honest about it all. He ended up finding out a year & a half later because he found some old emails that had been saved on my internet acct & i wasn't even aware they were there. So it would have been better had I been upfront from the beginning because it is like going back to square one.

 

All of the things U91746 are good to help stop thinking about her but ya know, none of the suggestions I got worked for me. I could not get him out of my head. I researched all kinds of thought techniques to help me & none worked. I honestly think deep down that maybe I didn't want to get him out of my head. That by dwelling on him it kept him alive & still in my life in some really stupid way. Idk, maybe not but perhaps & perhaps that's why it's so hard on you.

 

You are still so obviously attatched to this woman. You saying 'at this moment in time would do anythign to see her again' does make me worry you may backslide. It's such a powerful draw. Is she doing anything to attempt contact with you?

 

Also, you may want to look into some anti anxiety meds. I think you need them. I mistakenly went on anti depressents at the time & they did nothing to stop the desire I had to talk to him. I think i was having anxiety attacks more than depression & that those types of meds may have helped me more. Either way i think you need something.

 

And another thing, think long before you give her the link to this site. Not trying to encourage you to be deceptive but if she comes here you will no longer be able to be so open about your feelings. There are probably hundreds of sites like this out there & she can find her own maybe because i think you need this as your place to come w/out worrying about everything you write. Does that make sense?