Yernasia Quorelios Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 WARNING: Long Post This, in all likelihood, will be my last post on LoveShack. So I will begin by thanking all those who make LoveShack possible...the founder, the hoster and, most importantly the members. This post will only contain a summary of the history...for detail search for posts under Yernasia Quorelios. In summary... We met in the UK 1998 and married 2002. I was trying to set up a business and not earning; my ex-wife was the bread-winner. Over 2004-2006 she gradually decided that emigration to Australia would be 'make or break'. She chose not to inform me of this, even though earlier in 2004 she had decided to break up and we made up. We emigrated in 2005 and things got worse, especially as I wouldn't consider any roles other than my dream job and remained unemployed and, even worse, tried to do the self-employed thing again. Finances began to run low and due to our joint efforts she got a job. After a solo return visit to the UK mid 2006 she decided that it was 'break'. She made a lot of effort to turn away from this decision over the ensuing months after her return to Australia but by late 2006 her mind was made up. She asked me to move out which I eventually (messily) did after about 3 months. She moved another man in and I spent the next 2 months totally wrecked. I had been dumped, I had no job and I chose to make things easy for our friends by asking them to look after her, so I had only one local/mutual friend. She insisted that we should have no contact beyond me telling her about my work situation. I was emotionally abandoned and came close to suicide. However the support from family and friends overseas, the one local/mutual friend and the fact that I loved myself too much meant that suicide was never really an option; although I certainly drank too much and gave her unwanted attention! Early 2007 I finally condescended to looking for any job. I trawled the streets looking for retail work and a woman who overhead me (to whom I am eternally grateful) introduced me to her employers and I took a telemarketing job which I actually quite enjoyed even though I was over-qualified for it. I continued to look for my dream job and eventually landed a senior role in my field (as it was public sector it was low-paid but I certainly wasn't complaining; one of our bones of contention had been my reticence to consider anything other than my dream job at a market rate). I have been in that role now for 15 months but it has not made a difference to her feelings for me. I had a 'clarification' chat with her two months ago and although all the reasons she gave for the break-up no longer exist she still insists that there is no chance of reconciliation citing the way she feels (can't really do anything about that - or can I?). On occasion I have made her angry but there was a period where we were communicating quite civilly. I have finally accepted that while she is in this mood (which she has been for the last two years) there is no chance of reconciliation. My acceptance of this situation is reinforced by the fact that she has rejected me on every level it possible to reject a human being. She has rejected me as husband, as a potential father, as a lover and (most sadly) as a friend. There have been times when she has totally cut off communication particularly when I needed emotional support (times when I was especially grateful for my family and friends). Having said that, the maddening thing is that she will(has) occasionally give(n) emotional support and then abrubtly withdrawn it citing a concern about leading me on. I have had NC with her for just over a month now, the longest period since our separation late 2006. Our divorce was finalised early 2008 and I have not initiated contact with her since late 2007. Second chances?...I really don't know. My love for her is unconditional and I have not yet met anyone who makes me feel the same way (or even better?). What do I do now?...I continue to build my life as single (divorced) man who wishes, one day, to have a family. I continue my recovery from depression and I look to get involved in charities that help people through mental illnesses such as depression. I am very much in a FWB phase at the moment. If she returns and I am available then that's easy...if she returns and I am deep into a relationship then that's hard. What have I learned?...The starkest lesson I have taken away from this experience is that for a lot of people 'for better for worse' comes with a lot of conditions. Other lessons are: Men overuse withdrawl as a way to cope with overwhelming emotionsWomen overuse denial as a way to cope with overwhelming emotionsPeople overemphasise the importance of sex (lust) when deciding to end a relationship and don't pay enough attention to intimacy (trust) and commitment (must - enough of which will help a couple get over sexual infidelity and breakdown of trust)Good luck to you all - my e-mail is [email protected] for any one interested in maintaining contact.
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