bigmoney9595 Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Hello, can somone pelase explain the NC approach and why that's better than staying in thier lives and fighting for them? Stupid question I know
absolution Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Im new here too and dont know what this means. But from what I understand, its a way to get over the person, not a way to rekindle things.
Aleeed Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 It can work 2 ways, if you want to get over them it helps. But if you want them to realize what they are missing out on after a breakup that helps too.
nowhereman82 Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Here is an old post from a respected member of the board. Will answer your questions. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/
0hpenelope Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Ah, this... this controversy of NC. Not everyone agrees with this approach because completely cutting someone out of your life is hard. And saddening. Actually, if you're feeling bad right now because the one you love isn't with you even if you're talking to them - NC hurts just as much, if not more since you're going to consciously break any contact with them. No e-mails, no IMs, no phone calls, etc. Then there are people like badbrit who have signed on recently. He's kind of rude often, but I haven't been offended by it yet. He has a different way of approaching things and different perspectives are always welcome. I've wondered if I had seen him on the boards, perhaps my situation with Lawrence would've ended differently. But he and the NC advocates are unified in that they want to offer support that doesn't feed false hope. The thread that nowhereman82 offered is good. I remember reading that thread when I first came on the boards. Also, No Foolin's thread is good, too. Oh, my disclaimer. NC's not the only way to get over the ex. The ones who chose to go NC decided for themselves that it was the best course for them to take. It's really not for everyone. I know I prayed that NC would be something that I can handle and stick to because I really saw no other option at the time - and it has. Yeah, I still think about Lawrence. Which is why I'm off to the gym in about an hour. I might as well burn some calories out of this.
CaliGuy Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Hello, can somone pelase explain the NC approach and why that's better than staying in thier lives and fighting for them? Stupid question I know No contact is meant as a tool to help you recover in the shortest amount of time possible. That's it. It's not meant as a means of manipulating them back in your life. Let me ask you, why would you "fight" for someone who doesn't want to be with you? I can't think of a bigger waste of one's energy (emotional and physical) than beating their head up against the wall trying to convince someone who isn't in love with them to love them. NC gives your ex the gift of missing you. You can't do anything wrong if you are not around, right? So the longer you are away the less bad things your ex will remember about you. Ex's hearts won't change overnight, that is for sure. And most assuredly I say to you if you cling on to the hope of a reconciliation, you will not heal and regain your confidence and self esteem. Nothing is more pathetic to a dumpee than a dumper begging, whining, crying and clinging to them. That's NOT attractive at all. What is? Walking away with your pride and self-respect in tact. "Hey, if she doesn't want me, that's fine. There's someone else out there who does…" Confidence is sexy. Self-assuredness is sexy. Easy-going/laid back/funny is sexy. Clingy/needy/whining men or women are not. Another thing to remember is this. When someone wants out of the relationship it's because they are feeling caged in. The more you try to convince them to stay, the more caged in they feel. They need the freedom to love you and that is not possible when you are trying to MAKE them love you. The only way to let them out of the cage is to LET THEM GO. Let them be free to love you or reject you on their own. If they make that choice to walk away the best thing you can do is accept their decision, pick up the pieces of your life and move forward, NOT BACK. Because there is no way in hell you're going to be in the right mental shape if the right one does walk into your life if you're still pining over your ex. That's why talking about ex's when you meet someone new is such bad mojo. I hope I've made this clear. You have to decide what you want to do, but my advice to anyone who has been dumped is to stop putting the priority on your ex and put it squarely on you. After all, you are the ONLY "person" on this planet responsible for your needs, wants and happiness. Cheers.
LateBloomer Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 If they broke up with you and walked out ... NC is the way. I actually wish I had seen it earlier. But I really couldn't do it at the time. At least now I can hold my head high for: - never raising my voice or yelling - trying (three times) to speak from my heart and try to reach hers - never getting nasty or pulling cheap tricks So now I know for sure there's nothing more I can do. I tried. And I behaved with honor and integrity throughout, even in the face of a pretty mean cold shoulder. I'm not so sure NC is such a great then when YOU do the breaking up. At some point maybe if the person isn't getting over you. But right off the bat, "I'm done" and then nothing, is pretty harsh. I think at least someone needs to fess up to what they did wrong, and apologize for breaking the other person's heart. But, that's just me. Seriously, as we all know not everybody acts or feels the same.
Author bigmoney9595 Posted August 21, 2008 Author Posted August 21, 2008 No contact is meant as a tool to help you recover in the shortest amount of time possible. That's it. It's not meant as a means of manipulating them back in your life. Let me ask you, why would you "fight" for someone who doesn't want to be with you? I can't think of a bigger waste of one's energy (emotional and physical) than beating their head up against the wall trying to convince someone who isn't in love with them to love them. NC gives your ex the gift of missing you. You can't do anything wrong if you are not around, right? So the longer you are away the less bad things your ex will remember about you. Ex's hearts won't change overnight, that is for sure. And most assuredly I say to you if you cling on to the hope of a reconciliation, you will not heal and regain your confidence and self esteem. Nothing is more pathetic to a dumpee than a dumper begging, whining, crying and clinging to them. That's NOT attractive at all. What is? Walking away with your pride and self-respect in tact. "Hey, if she doesn't want me, that's fine. There's someone else out there who does…" Confidence is sexy. Self-assuredness is sexy. Easy-going/laid back/funny is sexy. Clingy/needy/whining men or women are not. Another thing to remember is this. When someone wants out of the relationship it's because they are feeling caged in. The more you try to convince them to stay, the more caged in they feel. They need the freedom to love you and that is not possible when you are trying to MAKE them love you. The only way to let them out of the cage is to LET THEM GO. Let them be free to love you or reject you on their own. If they make that choice to walk away the best thing you can do is accept their decision, pick up the pieces of your life and move forward, NOT BACK. Because there is no way in hell you're going to be in the right mental shape if the right one does walk into your life if you're still pining over your ex. That's why talking about ex's when you meet someone new is such bad mojo. I hope I've made this clear. You have to decide what you want to do, but my advice to anyone who has been dumped is to stop putting the priority on your ex and put it squarely on you. After all, you are the ONLY "person" on this planet responsible for your needs, wants and happiness. Cheers. I hear you, but I know she loves me, even said she loves me and misses me and wants to be with me but can't because she doesn't trust me. Yes I was wrong for pleading for her back, won't happen again. Im going to NC, hope it works.. if not then oh well.
nopainnogain Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 I hear you, but I know she loves me, even said she loves me and misses me and wants to be with me but can't because she doesn't trust me. . Because she wants a safety net and a doormat.Dont get strung along. N/C is for you and no one else.
Arsenic_Child Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 From Bigmoney9595: I hear you, but I know she loves me, even said she loves me and misses me and wants to be with me but can't because she doesn't trust me. . Because she wants a safety net and a doormat.Dont get strung along. N/C is for you and no one else. Im in the Same situation, i tried telling her how sorry i am 3 times, and that it will never happen again (i didnt cheat on her, but i didnt cut an ex out of my life soon enough for her) but she doesnt trust me either as much as she wants to the hurt is still there, do you think NC will give her time to think about it? - i just scared to do it because i dont want her to forget and move on, i want her to forget and think about working it out
Author bigmoney9595 Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 Im in the Same situation, i tried telling her how sorry i am 3 times, and that it will never happen again (i didnt cheat on her, but i didnt cut an ex out of my life soon enough for her) but she doesnt trust me either as much as she wants to the hurt is still there, do you think NC will give her time to think about it? - i just scared to do it because i dont want her to forget and move on, i want her to forget and think about working it out I apologized about 1000 times, told her it wouldn't happen again, I am the same man she fell in love with and wanted to marry and have kids with, the same person she trusted and felt safe with.... of course she doesn't beleive me... hopefully in time she'll remeber that and not let a few words (yes very painful ones) ruin it or forget who I am. Until then NC.. I'm sort of accepting it.. until she starts to see other people then I'm sure I'll really go over the edge...
Arsenic_Child Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 yes, i concluded everytime i bring it up, it hurts her more, im going to try NC aswell, but i hear most of the time they forget and move on because they think you abondoned them
CaliGuy Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 yes, i concluded everytime i bring it up, it hurts her more, im going to try NC aswell, but i hear most of the time they forget and move on because they think you abondoned them That is a myth that stops people from seeing NC all the way through healing. An ex that really wants you, no matter what you do or say, will find you. Whether you are in complete NC or not. It's the fear of losing someone that for all intents and purposes is already lost that keeps people from healing and moving on to bigger, better things. It's a fear with no basis whatsoever.
Mustain2234 Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 That is a myth that stops people from seeing NC all the way through healing. An ex that really wants you, no matter what you do or say, will find you. Whether you are in complete NC or not. It's the fear of losing someone that for all intents and purposes is already lost that keeps people from healing and moving on to bigger, better things. It's a fear with no basis whatsoever. So NC is only for the dumpee? My ex girlfriend dumped me in January and we've had this odd relationship of mainly talking/texting, but not actually meeting one another. As if neither of us could be friends without the other thinking more of it. Is it reasonable to believe, after all the time which has passed, that she may be thinking "I shouldn't contact him first because then it may lead him on" if a few weeks passes without me talking to her? Then we're in this position of both using NC.
Arsenic_Child Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 thats what i tend to think aswell. That maybe since i havent talked to her in while that she thinks that "maybe i shouldnt contact him because hes moving on" or "maybe he really didnt care after all"
Lolodelight Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 I'm two days into my break up. - I'm the dumper, because he lied and hasn't cut of his ex, which I found out via text. Please can you tell me why NC is for the dumpee?? Why not for dumper, too.
coffeemaker Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 "I shouldn't contact him first because then it may lead him on"Why does what she thinks matter? The real question is "what do you want?" If you're not over it, just don't contact her, and don't respond to any attempts on her part. You'll know when you're over it because you will have either (a) met someone better or (b) simply stopped caring. Now if you absolutely value said person as ONLY a friend, then feel free to contact them and see how they respond. They may or may not be receptive. Again, forget about what the other person is thinking/wishing/wanting. It doesn't matter. NC is for you. Keep yourself and your thoughts as the focus.
Lolodelight Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Arsenic child and Bigmoney: It sounds as though you've done something similar to what my ex has done to me( and I dumped him). He said sorry to me yesterday, but gave me no explanation for what he did. If he went no contact on me, I would think he really didn't care or love me - which of course hurts, but it then it would confirm that I was right in making my decision to break it off! Anyway, I'm going to do no contact - to help me heal. If he contacts me in a few months - then it's possible we could be friends.
Mustain2234 Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Why does what she thinks matter? The real question is "what do you want?" If you're not over it, just don't contact her, and don't respond to any attempts on her part. You'll know when you're over it because you will have either (a) met someone better or (b) simply stopped caring. Now if you absolutely value said person as ONLY a friend, then feel free to contact them and see how they respond. They may or may not be receptive. Again, forget about what the other person is thinking/wishing/wanting. It doesn't matter. NC is for you. Keep yourself and your thoughts as the focus. I should redirect you to the thread I created several days ago which explains everything I'm going through. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t161984/ I can't help avoiding what she feels because I like this girl. Even though it was painful in the beginning, it had more to do with her reluctance to be in a relationship than anything I did. What we have right now, a pseudo-friendship, doesn't exactly indicate (in my mind) that I'm content with being a friend only.
vonerik012 Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 I mainly agree with Cali guy... The only time it gets confusing, is when a girl initiates a break up, and repeatedly tells you it is because "She is afraid you will not keep her", or "She is afraid you are not that into her" After a few days of trying, I stopped calling my ex...She then called me weeks later , saying she knew i was never that into her, and my lack of trying proved that. She told me she was always waiting by the phone for me to call, and wondered why I stopped calling! But she told me 10 times she wants it to be over, do not call, and she cannot handle a LDR...
Arsenic_Child Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Arsenic child and Bigmoney: It sounds as though you've done something similar to what my ex has done to me( and I dumped him). He said sorry to me yesterday, but gave me no explanation for what he did. If he went no contact on me, I would think he really didn't care or love me - which of course hurts, but it then it would confirm that I was right in making my decision to break it off! Anyway, I'm going to do no contact - to help me heal. If he contacts me in a few months - then it's possible we could be friends. so that means if you go NC its perfectly ok, but if he goes NC it will ruin you? i dont think thats a fair trade. I tried going NC with my ex, did for for a week and 2 days but she contacted me yesterday to hang out, which im an idiot for doing, but at the same time i feel theres hope for us
Lolodelight Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Arsenic child: I broke the relationship off because I think he doesn't care. If he did care he would of lied to me the way he did. If I do nc - which I'm going to try -and he didn't try and get me back, I thoroughly knew that I was right all along.
Lolodelight Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 going off line now. But back tomorrow. Going to watch a SATC episode...
BCCA Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Here is one of the biggest things to realize about NC: THERE IS A VERY GOOD CHANCE THEY WONT CONTACT YOU EITHER! I see a lot of people do this as a means to make some one miss them, but honestly, dont torture yourself. They have decided, whether stupid or not, that you are not the one for them. The only thing you can do is move on, and if/when they call, cross that bridge. I think the problem with a lot of relationships is that there is always "that one" where the girl dumps the guy, acts like a big jerk, and then a couple months go by and they realize what theyre missing and they reconcile. RARELY happens. NC is for you to move on, look at it as nothing more.
0hpenelope Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Here is one of the biggest things to realize about NC: THERE IS A VERY GOOD CHANCE THEY WONT CONTACT YOU EITHER! I see a lot of people do this as a means to make some one miss them, but honestly, dont torture yourself. ..... NC is for you to move on, look at it as nothing more. That's what we've been saying. NC's one of the tools for self-healing, not to make someone miss you. No one can "make" someone feel that way. Most of the time, the exes aren't thinking of you. To lolodelight - No, NC isn't just for dumpees. Who said that? It's for dumpers as well. Actually, I'd go as far as saying that dumpers should immediately implement NC - if you're totally done with the person you dumped, you should follow it up with your actions. Dumpers come out as mean, jerks, etc... But it comes with the status for the majority. :shrug: Most of us recommend NC for dumpees to keep themselves from hanging on to something that isn't there anymore.
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