bigmanpayne Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 everyone i know is telling me that i am a player, but i don't see it that way. i am recently divorced. i am not really looking for serious relationships right now, i just want to have fun, date as much as possible, and if something does happen, then it happens. i am not opposed to a long term relationship, i just want to weigh my options and possibly date as much as possible why i have the chance. i am overly honest with everyone - i dont lead people on and i am not an a**hole. i am a good guy and i respect every woman i date. i am not having sex with everyone i date, in fact i have a no sex in the first month rule, which usually weeds out the crazies and eliminates some who can't handle waiting. the no sex rule also keeps me from being a slut; which is always a good thing. anyway, the question i have is this" Am I still a player even though i am honest with everyone and i dont just sleep with anything that moves? in the movie "How To Be A Player" he lead all of the women on and made them believe that they were is one and only woman, i dont do that, i just go out to dinner, movie, bowling, etc. and just have fun. why is that wrong?
stillafool Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 I think if you have to come to a forum and ask "Am I a Player?" I would say no.
Author bigmanpayne Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 I think if you have to come to a forum and ask "Am I a Player?" I would say no. even though i dont think i am, many people say i am - i was just wondering if maybe i am just blind and cant see the forrest for the trees or something.
Balthazar Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Even you were a player, you wouldn't give a rat's ass; you'd be too busy doing your thing. I think you should shorten your no sex in the first month rule to 10-15 days tops. No reason to keep them out of the land of milk and honey for a whole month...
Meaplus3 Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 everyone i know is telling me that i am a player, but i don't see it that way. i am recently divorced. i am not really looking for serious relationships right now, i just want to have fun, date as much as possible, and if something does happen, then it happens. i am not opposed to a long term relationship, i just want to weigh my options and possibly date as much as possible why i have the chance. i am overly honest with everyone - i dont lead people on and i am not an a**hole. i am a good guy and i respect every woman i date. i am not having sex with everyone i date, in fact i have a no sex in the first month rule, which usually weeds out the crazies and eliminates some who can't handle waiting. the no sex rule also keeps me from being a slut; which is always a good thing. anyway, the question i have is this" Am I still a player even though i am honest with everyone and i dont just sleep with anything that moves? in the movie "How To Be A Player" he lead all of the women on and made them believe that they were is one and only woman, i dont do that, i just go out to dinner, movie, bowling, etc. and just have fun. why is that wrong? If your beign honest and not leading them on in any way then NO I don't believe you are a player. Sounds like your taking your time before getting involved in another serious R. IMO smart move. AP:)
CommitmentPhobe Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 no you are nowhere near being a player. players live for the shag and will constantly put themselves into situations to get a woman into bed telling them what they need to hear.
D-Jam Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 bigmanpayne, if you lie to these women, mislead them, or withhold the truth on your intentions...then you're a player. If you make them think you want a RL and possibly marriage with them, but in reality you just want fun...then you're a player. If you're honest with them early on in not wanting anything serious right now, then you're not a player. Unfortunately a lot of women will pull out the "He's a player!" when they don't get what they want. I know guys who are honest from the get-go that they don't want commitment or marriage, just fun and sex...and yet women will give these guys hell for it. In the end, they're more mad that they can't get these guys as committing men...and give them crap in the hopes to guilt trip them into a RL.
Walk Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Two questions: 1. Who are these "many people" you're talking about (who say you are a player)? Friends, people you date, acquaintences, strangers, etc 2. Have you asked them why they believe you are? You can mislead through omission. Maybe what they see as not being honest is due to a lack of communication about your intent? Maybe you feel you're being clear yet aren't communicating effectively? I think its a great idea to date just for fun, but if the other person is dating to attain a relationship, then some where the lines of communication haven't been that clear. I always kept my "dating for fun" down to less then 2 dates with one person. For one reason, its easy for women to start to get emotionally attached even if they began with the intent of enjoying an evening in fun company. Second, continuing to date a woman (serveral weeks to months) implies that you're interested in more then a brief casual encounter. Third, There is no strong dividing line between heading toward relationship, and dating a couple weeks to a couple months for fun. Disclaimer: you stated that you wouldn't have sex until a month of dating, and I am assuming a few of the women you casually dated got past the month point. In my past, there is no definable line I crossed when I dated my H for fun. It was always fun. I believe we were casually dating until we had the "exclusivity" talk. Then we were officially a couple. So what constitutes dating casually and no strings attached from dating that will lead toward a relationship. I think these issues are where your wires are getting crossed. Keep the time frames short (2 to 4 dates total), Clearly and consistently state your intent during the course of those dates, and re-define "dating" into friends with potential benefits. If you do that you might not get called a player by so many people any more.
bish Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 playing the field and dating different people doesn't make one a player. But if you are seeing women more than once and seeing other women the same way and going through the motions as if you were a couple, no matter if you think you are leading them on or not, then yes, that would make you a player. I'm not saying that is what you are doing, but do you simply go on dates and keep it casual? Or do you hang out with them alot as if you are trying to build a relationship? A girl that wanted a R with me once took off to spend the weekend with an X-bf. When she got back she told me that we aren't exclusive and that I can't be mad at her. I told her she was right, I can't get mad at her, but if she wanted a relationship with me that it wasn't the way to go about it. Then I told her I don't think we need to see each other any longer and showed her the door.
bish Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 no you are nowhere near being a player. players live for the shag and will constantly put themselves into situations to get a woman into bed telling them what they need to hear. Well it depends. does he simply go on dates? Or does he go through the motions of trying to build a relationship with alot of different women at the same time? If he feels that the women, if fully informed, knew he was seeing other people and the women in question didn't mind, then I'd say no, you are not a player. But how many people, unless they don't want a relationship with that person or might want one would be ok with someone you have designs on dating multiple others at the same time? i wouldn't be ok with it. I am not competing for anyone. if I have to do that, why bother? Either 2 people are in to each other, or they aren't.
KinAZ Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Honest <--- Therein lies the difference between a player and a peeeemp. lmao Seriously, as long as you're honest, I don't see anything wrong with it at all. However, this may depend on your age group. I say this because as women get older (in general) they tend to be looking for something a little more lasting, and not just someone to have a good time with, depending on their situations as well, of course. So, if you're in your mid-30s, I can see how some would say that. And if your brand of honesty is "need to know basis" I can see how that might make you seem to be a player as well. I know "honest men" who withhold important information until THEY feel the other person needs to know. Yet, the truth is, had that woman known a little sooner, she might not have wasted so much time on him. Generally, we know pretty early on how interested we are in a person. Rather, if we would be interested in a long term relationship with that person. In some cases, it will take more time, but we usually know when we're not smitten. Another perspective (and this varies) is regarding dating someone you KNOW is more into you than you are into her. When you're aware that the other person has stronger feelings, and you're just going along for the ride, even if you are honest... you take the risk of giving the other person false hopes. No, that's not entirely your fault if you were upfront about it. Nevertheless, we know that some people only need a sliver of hope to hold on to a possibility, no matter how slim it is.
Author bigmanpayne Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 Two questions: 1. Who are these "many people" you're talking about (who say you are a player)? Friends, people you date, acquaintences, strangers, etc 2. Have you asked them why they believe you are? You can mislead through omission. Maybe what they see as not being honest is due to a lack of communication about your intent? Maybe you feel you're being clear yet aren't communicating effectively? I think its a great idea to date just for fun, but if the other person is dating to attain a relationship, then some where the lines of communication haven't been that clear. I always kept my "dating for fun" down to less then 2 dates with one person. For one reason, its easy for women to start to get emotionally attached even if they began with the intent of enjoying an evening in fun company. Second, continuing to date a woman (serveral weeks to months) implies that you're interested in more then a brief casual encounter. Third, There is no strong dividing line between heading toward relationship, and dating a couple weeks to a couple months for fun. Disclaimer: you stated that you wouldn't have sex until a month of dating, and I am assuming a few of the women you casually dated got past the month point. In my past, there is no definable line I crossed when I dated my H for fun. It was always fun. I believe we were casually dating until we had the "exclusivity" talk. Then we were officially a couple. So what constitutes dating casually and no strings attached from dating that will lead toward a relationship. I think these issues are where your wires are getting crossed. Keep the time frames short (2 to 4 dates total), Clearly and consistently state your intent during the course of those dates, and re-define "dating" into friends with potential benefits. If you do that you might not get called a player by so many people any more. friends, family, co-workers, everyone says that i am a player - mostly women. i have asked why and they tell me because i wont focus on just one person. they also (except for a few) believe that i am just sleeping with everyone that i date, which i have stated before is not the case. even after i explain myself i am still called a player, whore, or worse (worse comes mostly from women, again). i am very clear and direct about my intensions. i am so honest that if a woman i am dating asks me questions i will answer them; meaning that if they ask me if i am dating others i simply tell them the truth. i am a VERY honest person. my rule is dont ask if you really dont want to know. listen, if someone still wants to date me even after knowing my intensions i look at that as being their fault, their problem. i am honest. if they do make it to that month point it just means that they dont repulse me or that i enjoy their company. that doesnt mean that i want them to be my girlfriend, or exclusively date them, or marry them or anything like that. my goal is to have fun and obviously i must have fun with those people who make it to my month point - that's it! people have the choice to date me or not, i dont force it. if someone doesnt want to talk to me anymore or date me anymore i keep it moving. i dont hound anyone - in fact i dont even approach women. i am not God's gift or anything like that, i just have a rule of letting them approach me (exceptions to this rule would be a little online dating, in which case i might send an email first, but only after i notice that they have checked out my profile or something) it's just easier that way. bottom line is i am honest. women always want to test it to see if i am for real, then they think they are the one and only woman in the world who can "change my mind" and that of course never works. i really hate being labeled as a player, it kinda hurts my feelings.
Author bigmanpayne Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 Honest <--- Therein lies the difference between a player and a peeeemp. lmao Seriously, as long as you're honest, I don't see anything wrong with it at all. However, this may depend on your age group. I say this because as women get older (in general) they tend to be looking for something a little more lasting, and not just someone to have a good time with, depending on their situations as well, of course. So, if you're in your mid-30s, I can see how some would say that. And if your brand of honesty is "need to know basis" I can see how that might make you seem to be a player as well. I know "honest men" who withhold important information until THEY feel the other person needs to know. Yet, the truth is, had that woman known a little sooner, she might not have wasted so much time on him. Generally, we know pretty early on how interested we are in a person. Rather, if we would be interested in a long term relationship with that person. In some cases, it will take more time, but we usually know when we're not smitten. Another perspective (and this varies) is regarding dating someone you KNOW is more into you than you are into her. When you're aware that the other person has stronger feelings, and you're just going along for the ride, even if you are honest... you take the risk of giving the other person false hopes. No, that's not entirely your fault if you were upfront about it. Nevertheless, we know that some people only need a sliver of hope to hold on to a possibility, no matter how slim it is. i withhold nothing. ask me and i tell. i have a strict ask and i will definately tell you policy - i am 100% completely honest with anyone i date. you are right about that last paragraph. that seems to happen a lot and i do feel horrible, but there is nothing i can do about it.
KinAZ Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 i withhold nothing. ask me and i tell. i have a strict ask and i will definately tell you policy - i am 100% completely honest with anyone i date. you are right about that last paragraph. that seems to happen a lot and i do feel horrible, but there is nothing i can do about it. Yes there is... don't date people you know to be more interested in you than you are in them.... even if you're honest. Telling only when one asks doesn't always account for the assumptions people may make, especially depending on age group... It may not be "your fault" but if you anticipate something, and don't prepare for it in advance at the expense of the other person... then it is what it is and you can't feel too "bad" about it.
Green Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 if this is all some big game to you then you are a player. Actions speak louder then words
Jersey Shortie Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 You're sort of a player as you have alot of options. But as long as you aren't mis-leading any of these ladies and pretending that you are looking for something serious, as long as you are really being hoenst, I don't see a problem. My only advice is sometimes the way women read into things are different then men. You need to be sure that these women are on the same page as you. Some of them might be looking for something more serious and might not want to waste their own time with someone who isn't.
SoleMate Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Based on your own account, I do not consider you a player, as you are not "playing" anyone - i.e. you are not deceiving or manipulating anyone. It's perfectly fine to do what you do. Question: Are you being called "player" by women who are currently seeing you or want to see you? They might just be throwing that word around to see where they can go with it.
sfsassy Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 everyone i know is telling me that i am a player, but i don't see it that way. i am recently divorced. i am not really looking for serious relationships right now, i just want to have fun, date as much as possible, and if something does happen, then it happens. i am not opposed to a long term relationship, i just want to weigh my options and possibly date as much as possible why i have the chance. i am overly honest with everyone - i dont lead people on and i am not an a**hole. i am a good guy and i respect every woman i date. i am not having sex with everyone i date, in fact i have a no sex in the first month rule, which usually weeds out the crazies and eliminates some who can't handle waiting. the no sex rule also keeps me from being a slut; which is always a good thing. anyway, the question i have is this" Am I still a player even though i am honest with everyone and i dont just sleep with anything that moves? in the movie "How To Be A Player" he lead all of the women on and made them believe that they were is one and only woman, i dont do that, i just go out to dinner, movie, bowling, etc. and just have fun. why is that wrong? I don't think you are a player. You are very honest, and really know what you need right now, which isn't something longterm or serious. Fun is good, and as long as you don't claim to be wildly in love with someone, I think it is fine. I get the feeling you don't think of it as a game, just as meeting a lot of different people, and maybe learning in the process what works, and doesn't work for you.
Walk Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Maybe I'm not understanding what you're saying... but based on what you wrote, then I do believe you are a player. (To KinAZ) ask me and i tell. i have a strict ask and i will definately tell you policy (To me) if a woman i am dating asks me questions i will answer them; meaning that if they ask me if i am dating others i simply tell them the truth. If they ask, then you'll tell them? Why aren't you telling them FIRST? i.e. "Hi, I am not serious in pursuing a relationship with you, but I would like to have a fun evening with you". If you slept with a woman and only afterward asked if she has an STD, and she says yes... would you be happy about that? She was honest. She told you she had an STD when you asked. But would that be very ethical... not in my book. Her dishonesty was one of omission. She didn't lie, but she wasn't truthful. Like I said, if you are stating it up front, without having the woman ask you specificially what your intentions are... then ignore everything I just wrote. But it sounds to me like you aren't telling these women what your intentions are unless a person first asks you. To me, that's omission, which is second only to lying.
nopainnogain Posted August 22, 2008 Posted August 22, 2008 Because playas do what they want to and suckas do what they can
Author bigmanpayne Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 Maybe I'm not understanding what you're saying... but based on what you wrote, then I do believe you are a player. If they ask, then you'll tell them? Why aren't you telling them FIRST? i.e. "Hi, I am not serious in pursuing a relationship with you, but I would like to have a fun evening with you". If you slept with a woman and only afterward asked if she has an STD, and she says yes... would you be happy about that? She was honest. She told you she had an STD when you asked. But would that be very ethical... not in my book. Her dishonesty was one of omission. She didn't lie, but she wasn't truthful. Like I said, if you are stating it up front, without having the woman ask you specificially what your intentions are... then ignore everything I just wrote. But it sounds to me like you aren't telling these women what your intentions are unless a person first asks you. To me, that's omission, which is second only to lying. i do tell them up front that i dont want a relationship. as for details, i keep those to myself unless they ask. i tell everyone that i dont want a relationship, i just want to have fun, and that i am a single guy who dates a lot. i was referring to those women asking me about specifics. i tell them up front what my intensions are but sometimes that doesnt seem to even phase them, they still have their own agenda.
Author bigmanpayne Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 Based on your own account, I do not consider you a player, as you are not "playing" anyone - i.e. you are not deceiving or manipulating anyone. It's perfectly fine to do what you do. Question: Are you being called "player" by women who are currently seeing you or want to see you? They might just be throwing that word around to see where they can go with it. yes. there are women who want to date me or who are interested in me who do call me that, especially the ones who i ignore or arent interested in. i mostly get the "player" card thrown at me by the best friend of someoen that i am dating. people throw that word around without really using it correctly. you are right... i am not playing anyone.
Author bigmanpayne Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 You're sort of a player as you have alot of options. But as long as you aren't mis-leading any of these ladies and pretending that you are looking for something serious, as long as you are really being hoenst, I don't see a problem. My only advice is sometimes the way women read into things are different then men. You need to be sure that these women are on the same page as you. Some of them might be looking for something more serious and might not want to waste their own time with someone who isn't. i cant control others. no matter how honest i am sometimes some people still want something more, or develop stronger feeling (and keep them to themselves) or something like that, in which case i can't do anything for them. i am a very good guy and even if they are looking for something serious they are willing to give up some of the perks that come along with dating me so they stick around anyway. they do sometimes mistake some kindness from me as meaning something else, but i always try to be as honest as humanly possible with everyone. again, i am not opposed to a relationship but i refuse to be bullied into one by an over-zealous female.
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