Was I addicted to him? And why?

[24 Carat]

My boyfriend broke up with me in October of last year (I am 44, he is 40). We were together 4 years. Needless to say I spent months LITERALLY filled with anxiety, panic, sorrow, grief, loss, depression, alcohol--you name it. It is now the end of March and I think about him and grieve for him every single day---in fact, hourly, minutely, and almost every second even!! I've had dates (quite a few) and am not interested in any of the men I have dated. It is like I am obsessed with my ex and I can't let go of hoping, wanting, needing, longing, and praying that someday he will call me and ask me to come back. Everytime the phone rings I say a little prayer and then am instantly crushed when it's not him. What is this obsession with having to HAVE him. It's almost like addiction and withdrawal. Can people become addicted to other people and WHY do we? What makes us so utterly and adamantly totally addicted to another person that we cannot see past the loss of them? Please explain to me exactly what this addiction is so I can break it.

 

I would be so grateful for any help that would get me to let go!

 

24-Carat

[Tony T]

What you are going through would be hard for any person. You are a loving lady with very deep feelings and you do not take relationships lightly. This man was very special to you and a certain grieving process is normal.

 

It is likely that you are not so great at getting over break-ups because of the abandonment of someone significant, such as a parent, early on in your life. Perhaps your parents were divorced, one of them died, or a beloved grandparent, aunt or uncle died or moved away. You were probably a very sensitive child and this affected you greatly.

 

It's not likely that you will heal from this long, drawn out way of dealing with loss until you learn techniques to get your power back and not give other people, in this case men, the power to devastate you and your life. Close your eyes, imagine this man before you, and get angry. Tell him you are taking back the power you gave him to make you sad, depressed and miserable and you will never give it back to him as long as you live.

 

Chances are you aren't ready to do that. For a while, there may be getting some morbid comfort in your depression. But one day you will wake up sick and tired of being miserable and you will all of a sudden be mad as hell.

 

So there are a lot of things going on here that only a psychological counsellor can deal with you and on personal basis. If any of my theories have struck a nerve, make an appointment with a counsellor and learn some techniques for improving your self-esteem, getting over your fears and handling of abandonment, and healing yourself from the things that happened early on in that make endings so difficult for you to cope with.

[24 Carat]

I so much appreciate your time to answer my post. I do not believe abandonment was ever an issue in my life. Also, I think I am very well adjusted and have a healthy dose of self-esteem.

 

I do believe that for some unknown reason I actually became 'emotionally' addicted to him, and this is the issue I fear I am faced with--withdrawal from the emotional addiction of another person. I am curious as to why people become 'addicted' to other people? Is it like addictions of any kind. The need to find balance and avoidance of personal isssues? The need to feel an euphoric completeness? At this stage in my life, why would I suddenly become addicted to another. What would be the reason? I feel just so in awe of the hold he had (and still has) on me! I have examined what issues of mine, what hurts I felt, after the breakup...and, although I know these are the real source of my pain, I cannot understand how he had placated them.

 

Hmmm...I guess I'm searching for a simple "one-two-three...I'm over thee" solution. I want to end this! And yes, I do get mad as hell!

 

Again, thank-you so very much for your kind and gentle response. I will reread your post with an open mind...maybe I have a denial, or an emotional blockage that is creating a barrier to my healing.

 

24 Carat

[Tony T]

It is very posible to be addicted to a person. The largest ingredient of any addiction is the pleasure the person or substance brings to us and the fear of loss and consequences if the person or substance is taken away. In the case of a substance, as long as we can fund the addiction we are OK. Then we have to face forced withdrawal and we usually always survive.

 

In the case of a person or an addictive behavior, such as gambling, drinking, shopaholism, over-eating, etc., withdrawal requires major decisions on our part, including the realization that the person, substance or behavior is NOT required for our continued satisfactory survival on the planet.

 

Yes, it would be NICE if some person we love continued to be in our life, but if they aren't it's not the end of the world. Understand the differents between desire and need. We may desire a certain lover but we definitely don't need that particular person for our survival. I have said this so many times but we make the concrete decisions that affect who we love and who we leave and how we handle it. You need to step back from all this for a minute, understand that the world would never put you with someone you could not live without and then take him away, and make the decision that you CAN live without this person, move on and live well.

 

Sometimes, I think we get addicted to our own thoughts. If for a period of time, you dreamed of being with this person forever, and fantasized about a life with him, those thoughts made you feel really great and it's hard to let loose of things that make you feel so could. When you find yourself thinking back on those thoughts, stop yourself. Do something else. Our obsessive thoughts are probably our biggest enemy during these times.

 

As the song goes, you got along without him before you met him, you're gonna get along without him now.

 

You are absolutely free to obsess about this man until you die. You can cry, not eat, and just make yourself as miserable as possible over this guy. But doing so makes you more of a masochist than an addict. The sweetest victory you will have is when you are able to move on.

 

There is an element to true chemical addiction associated with love. When we really love someone passionately, a chemical is released in the brain. Any chemicals released in the body can be addictive. I am not a doctor but I am sure you can get addicted to this chemcial. Hey, love feels as good or better than any feeling an illegal drug could give us. (This is speculation, I do not take drugs). That's why so many people try to find another love rather quickly...because they want this chemical to perpetuate itself. That's why people have affairs when their marriages get stale.

 

Keep yourself together, heal from this. I still suspect there are things in your past that cause you to take things a lot harder in these circumstances. I urge you to love yourself, be kind to yourself, stay busy, and be with your friends (and don't wear their ears out about this chump!!!)