Wanting to give 'counseling' a rest

[luvstarved]

OK so now after our latest counselor has once again "unfairly singled out" my H as having the most blatant/serious issues, H has once again decided that this is not the right counselor for us. He has suggested everything from the counselor being intimidated/manipulated by me, unable to grasp the "subtlety" of my issues, to just not having any more creativity/cojones/insight than to make H the prime target.

 

This has been our fifth counselor and the fourth time that H has decided that the counselor is "wrong", "incompetent", etc. (the fifth moved away).

 

I picked the most recent counselor, after researching on internet and finding someone who was also a sex therapist, and listed his methodology right on the web. Until he started "picking on" my H, he was really great!

 

Today H excitedly told me about a NEW counselor...one close to his work with good credentials. Knows nothing more about her than that...but somehow he thinks this will be the one...he went ahead and made an appointment for us...

 

Now, for last few weeks, following me overhearing MIL trashing me over the phone with H, things have been weird. First, all the blame was laid on me for that incident because I "threw an elderly lady out of the house like hired help" (a very vital 75 year old that I firmly told to leave my home after hearing her call me, in my house, on my phone, a "miserable pain in the ass...she's always been a miserable pain in the ass and always will be a miserable pain in the ass".)

 

She's been EXTREMELY intrusive over the years and my requests for boundaries have been uniformly met with "she's helpful, you're ungrateful and jealous" along with contemptuous regard if I did not praise her sufficiently.

 

ANYWAY tried to talk with H after he was ready to leave when counselor agreed that what had been done to me was boundaryless and inappropriate. I told him I wanted to move forward and work things out but was upset by pretty consistent hostile behavior on his part...basically, whenever I tried to express my needs or feelings, I would be told that they were "wrong", peppered with such flattering adjectives as "clingy", "needy", "aggressive", "demanding", "mean", "sickening", "disturbed","intimidating", "unrealistic" and "irrational", to name the more frequent.

 

Finally I asked, do you have ANYTHING positive to say about me, ANY reason for me to believe that you love me? First he just changed the subject and when I pressed he said that I planned vacations well and was a good academic role model for our daughter. OH TAKE ME NOW HOT LOVER!!!

 

I told him that was not very encouraging and was told that I expected too much in the way of sex and romance, and again with his usual "we have a house, secure jobs,", etc. I said I did NOT expect him to act like an adolescent schoolboy over me, but it would be nice to have a husband who actually LIKED me and did not look at me like he hated me most of the time.

 

Oh I love you, you need to believe that (you need to SHOW it)...

 

This morning, for the second time in a row, I "passed" on his offer for a quick "breakfast sausage" and quickie.

 

A little later, he calls me, and all of a sudden he completely agrees with me about his mother, he sees my side entirely and really, really, he GETS it now!!! He follows up with an email about this "breakthrough" and says that we really are close when we understand each other.

 

Then later, HE'S FOUND A NEW COUNSELOR, isn't that GREAT? I was like, you know, there's really no mystery here. We need to respect each other, listen to each other, validate each other, and try to provide for each other's needs without mutual judgment. What do you expect a new counselor to tell us? I don't really feel like starting ALL OVER again with all the history, etc and weeks and weeks of trying to get somewhere only to have him get pissed when the light shines on him and decide the counselor is yet another unqualified and clueless boob. I really do not understand what he expects to be different and why he wants to do this, after all we have tried before.

 

The only thing I can think is that he either believes with a fresh start he will not come across as having so many issues and so will be more receptive (ie, no "baggage" with a new counselor) OR he thinks that with a fresh start he can "work it" a little better and maybe this time this counselor will see the truth: that he IS a great guy and that I am indeed the real problem.

 

So, I want to just tell him, let's give the counseling a rest and just try to communicate with each other, but I can already hear him suggesting that I am "afraid" or "uncommitted" or "incapable of communicating"...

 

We already have a couples marriage encounter weekend coming up and I am just tired of this whole counseling merry go round...I had just recently decided to not let him get to me, treat him like a friend, and just do more of "my own thing"...this was kinda working for me, but I think in a weird way, the less I am upset about the state of our marriage, the less secure he feels.

 

Does it seem unreasonable for me to refuse to start with a new counselor at this time????

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Your husband, just from your description, sounds like he is a control freak. In addition he seems babyish, self-centered, refuses to own up that he just might be the biggest problem with your marriage, and seeks validation. These are dangerous people to deal with and you should really think about some time apart to think about what all these other counselors are telling you.

 

In short, if you give up on the counseling, you really need to think about if you are willing to live with whatever issues that brought you into counseling or really think about moving on without your husband.

 

 

DNR

[Ronni_W]

Does it seem unreasonable for me to refuse to start with a new counselor at this time????

No, it seems perfectly reasonable from where I'm sitting.

 

Are you open to saying that a "new start" may be just what's needed...but that you'd like to wait until after the Marriage Encounter weekend...suggest that the ME w/e can be the springboard for that fresh beginning -- and see if he still feels the same after the weekend.

 

In the meantime, you can just go about using the tools that you've learned so far in counseling, and see how that goes -- hopefully he'll feel encouraged to do the same.

[luvstarved]

It is not even that I am tired of it...he supposedly had this breakthrough of understanding my POV re: his mother and we want to try to move forward and work on better communication and respect. At some point, we need to build this house...not keep jumping from place to place checking out tool sets. If we want to leave the past in the past and practice respectful living, then why go back AGAIN and start rehashing all the issues? At what point do we look to each other for solutions? At what point do we try to enjoy some life together?

 

He insists on going, and I said I would but intended to be upfront about my reservations. He said he wanted to find someone who would treat us "equally" and I thought to myself, well...if there was physical abuse in the mix, should both parties be treated "equally"? I know we both have issues but every counselor has focused on his as being the more destructive...and he seemingly won't rest until he finds a scenario in which my issues are seen as just as "bad". Whatever. I'll go. We'll see.

 

I asked him what brought on this sudden understanding of my side of things and he said something about it reminding him of a situation he was once in but the conversation blew past that and I didn't get details...but a few minutes later he wanted to talk about having sex in the morning. Now I wonder if being turned down twice in a row was a blow to his ego and brought up this sudden empathy. That is pretty cynical, but kinda strange from a man who avoided having sex with me for years and who just a week ago tried to characterize my sexual needs as unreasonable, clingy, demanding, etc. Now all of a sudden he is hot for me?

 

I have let my side of things go with trying so hard to get him to understand me...I threw up my hands mentally and just said, I'm not going to let this get to me anymore, I refuse to join in...he tried for several days to pick fights and I refused the bait...and quit asking him any questions ro to do anything, and started making plans for myself, going to gym, out with girlfriends, etc which I had not done in years.

 

I am just sick of all this dysfunction and strife. I am willing to try to stay under circumstances of not trying so hard and not giving so much of a humongous sh*t about what he thinks and wants and expects or how to get him to love me. I am sick of being told that all my needs and feelings are "wrong" and "too much to ask".

 

I will keep an open mind and see what being married is worth if I am to create my happiness all alone...while going to counseling with him. ??!!

[Ronni_W]

At some point, we need to build this house...not keep jumping from place to place checking out tool sets.

I agree -- perhaps ask him to clearly express what he expects from this new counselor, that was not forthcoming in his recent "breakthrough"?

 

That is, if he has indeed had his breakthrough, what are HIS reasons for still wanting to go to counseling? Ask him to tell you exactly. Because maybe counseling hasn't worked for him because of some inaccurate thoughts/beliefs about what it is all about, what he ought to have been getting out of it all along, how he ought to have been applying what's already taken place in sessions, etc.

 

Most people STOP going after such a big breakthrough...that's why we go, isn't it -- hoping/waiting for that moment of clarity? . Tell him that. Either he is snowing about this supposed "breakthrough", or he needs to be reminded of the purpose of counseling.

[luvstarved]

Hi Ronni, Thx for reply. I did try to get a real answer from him as to what he thought would come of it. I said that in the end we were the ones who had to fix this and counselors could only present tools. He said he disagreed and that counselors could be "very helpful" but when I asked how , given our scenario, he did not really give specifics. I listed off previous counselors and how in the end it was all discarded...he said they were helpful but only "to a point".

 

I am very suspicious of this breakthrough. It was too sudden, too complete, too contrary to his years-long demeanor of "mom good, you bad"...it does not seem like him to have had it because he wanted sex that was being denied (and for the record, I was not "playing games", but after him not being able to convey any real positive feelings for me, I wasn't going there) because if anything he always seemed to avoid sex and resent MY sexual needs...

 

Something seems fishy here. I feel like he has talked with some third party already who has advised him to assume this demeanor, but I cannot imagine who that would be. Maybe he showed someone the letter I wrote him and they told him, she's right, you fool. Who knows? I should see it as a good thing that he made the effort to find a new counselor, shows he is trying I suppose, but...something seems off. Guess time will tell. I'll try to give the benefit of the doubt, but keep my eyes and mind open...

[carhill]

I believe in MC and I believe in divorce. IMO, it's time to flush hubby and MIL. That's nuts, seriously, and I have a demented mother, so I don't joke about such matters.

 

Get out...

[Ronni_W]

It does sound "off", I gotta agree (again.) How does one go from rejecting 4 other counselors to "I can't wait to get to this new one"???

 

Other possibility is that this counselor was referred to him by someone whose relationship was "opposite" to yours. That is, where the guy was the sane one...so the counselor would have had to focus more on the woman's attitudes and actions ... so maybe Hubby has it in his head that this is a "guy friendly" counselor, as opposed to an objective, sane counselor (like all the others that you guys have already consulted)? -- that's the only other thing I can think of.

 

PS - I also can't work up any "sex feelings" for a guy when I am not sure what is going on in his head about me...and that also wouldn't be me playing games but honouring my own feelings and misgivings.

 

(((hugs)))

[luvstarved]

Thx again Ronni...we did talk again and he told me that his "awakening" was due to him realizing a work situation he had been in for a long time in which he felt undermined, disrespected, etc and not only had nobody to affirm his feelings, but was getting it rubbed in by others...he said he finally saw that what I said about his mother was right, and that he had made it even harder for me by taking her side, even though he knew that what I was saying was true...that for years and years she had overstepped boundaries, had in fact always snooped through rooms, undermined situations, etc. He realized that nonetheless I had never said anything vicious about her in return, and had always tried to make the best of it and was just looking for some empathy in feeling violated and disrespected...and that he had not only not delivered that, but had been harsh with me on the topic.

 

Wow. I don't know if it is really sincere but he did get it all correct finally.

 

I have a feeling that he might have read and reread my letter and saw that it was heartfelt, tolerant, etc and did nothing more than insist that I had a right to respect and boundaries, or at least understanding...maybe I should use this technique in future. I did notice that he kept my letter...

 

Thx again for your very helpful comments...!