loneyBird Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 My boyfriend and I have been together for about six months and for the most part we get along pretty well despite our differences in personality. I recently got accepted to a year long boarding school program in Geneva Switzerland and will be gone for nine months...(and I will be back during the Christmas holiday). He knows it's important for me to go, and he said he would miss me...but one important thing...he doesn't know if he can wait for me that long without having sex. He says he can be "emotionally" faithful to me, and not be "physically" faithful to me as well. Meaning he can have sex with girls and not become attached to them emotionally and that I shouldn't worry. But that it will be very "hard" for him to stay faithful to me while I am gone. Funny? I think not. But ALSO.....it gets better....he doesn't believe that it is wise for him to even have to tell me when he's cheated on me! because to him, that would tear our relationship apart... so it's better he just not say anything and live with the "guilt" himself. I understand that it was my choice to go, and that nine months is a mighty long time for a young man to go without sex, but I can't but feel very upset about this whole topic of conversation and when ever he senses that I am becoming upset about it, he tells me "not to worry about it because it will eat me up". I have been in enough relationships to tell when there are signs of lack of commitment and i sense this very strongly now. But I don't think he has bad intentions and I think he actually thinks this is the best course for our "relationship". And the sad part is we actually do get along, and we will miss eachother tons, and I will be very heavily distracted with school studies and he's going to be here all alone. And it doesn't help that we are living together... We have both been in long distance relationships in the past with other people and we both know that they don't end well, so I am trying to gage his commitment to me before I leave...because it's impossible for this sort of thing to work out unless both parties are on the same page. When he last girlfriend moved five hours away for school he would drive to see her every other weekend but eventually he said he got lonely and ended up having sex with a girl from his work. He actually broke up with his ex because he wanted to have a girlfriend that he could actually see more than every two weeks... When I asked him if he ever told his ex that he had cheated on her...he said no, because he didn't want her upset with him and hurt. I guess now...I am i suppose freaking out so to speak because I am afraid that I will end up just like his ex... I don't know what to do, part of me feels bad because he doesn't have much of a social network here and I am afraid he will be quite lonely alone...but why does this translate into an excuse to cheat on me? It's tearing me up inside because I have self respect and dignity and I don't want to put myself in a compromising position where I will get hurt just because I am gone for nine months... How should I approach him? I have had far more relationship experience than him and I have tried to explain to him already that I think his attitude is a recipe for disaster. ..but he would prefer not to think about it. Thanks for reading this....any advice would be much appreciated.
chutzpah89 Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 I think he needs to get little more serious about the situation. It soudns like he's just going to "play-it-by-ear" and thats not very fair to you. I understand the situation though. Its in reverse order for me though. My boyfriend of 1.5 years just left again for school in a different state. This is his second year of being away and he was home for the summer. I, however, have a very high sex-drive. I usually want it more than he does...everyday. And whenever he leaves, he's scared that I won't be able to go without it again until he comes to visit. Its hard, but I've gotten used to it. And there are other ways to satisfy yourself than having to be with someone else. Is that not good enough for him? If all else fails...maybe you should try having an open relationship while you are away. Maybe having a rule that you can date other people? It may hurt a little, but at least you're still a part of his life, and you can have a discussion when you're close to coming back about making it monogomous again. This WILL be a BIG test for your relationship though. If you two aren't very close and committed now, it may fail. But if after 9 months of dating other people and still talking, you decide that you haven't met anyone better and you two still love one another, it could very well have been the best move for your relationship. Thats about all I can think of at the moment. You're lucky he's being honest with you now instead of you finding this out while you're away. Hope this helped a little.
Lizzie60 Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 I don't think any guy would be faithful to be honest... but at least he's honest about telling you he probably can't be faithful... he knows himself more than anyone.. Now.. it's your decision to live with this or simply move on... Even if you were around him.. that's no guarantee that he will remain faithful for years... You have to decide what's best for YOU...
Ronni_W Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 First, congratulations for being accepted into the program in Geneva! It is bound to be a wonderful and growth-inspiring experience for you. Realistically, there is nothing you can do to influence your boyfriend's attitude about this, or his behaviour while you are away -- whatever is going to happen, will happen. If you are interested in maintaining the relationship with him, then the only thing I can suggest is to bring back some equality into it. Meaning, he gets to have his secret, guilt-filled sex whenever he wants...and you get to choose to have sex if you want and also choose to not feel guilty about it, if you don't want. You don't have to HAVE the sex, of course, but you ought to have the same options as he does. It would be unreasonable for him to expect things to be skewed in his favour, the way he has it set-up in his head right now. If he balks, you can assure him the same way -- you won't get emotionally attached to any of those hot Swiss guys...or their European mates. <Hubba Hubba!!!> Alternative is as already suggested: just end things now, or "go on a break" for the nine months. If you do go on a break, it may be wise for there to be a "don't ask, don't tell" policy in effect for the rest of your lives -- I do think otherwise might prove unnecessarily damaging to self-esteem, etc. In the meantime, his lack of social network is his consequence and issue to resolve, if he feels it is a problem. Again, congrats! Wishing you much success.
Jordane Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 It isn't crazy for you to think he should be faithful and it isn't impossible but it depends on the person. He is clearly not someone who can handle a long distance relationship and unfortunately, you have to live with that. I can barely wait the 25 days I have left until my boyfriend moves let alone 9 months. You guys should really try something like an open relationship or just stay friends until you come back.
Lucky_One Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 He has already told you that he is not only capable of 9 months - he is incapable of 2 weeks. It will drive you nuts while you are away at school. You will call him and he will not answer, and you will be wracked with doubt and insecurity. There are a lot of great guys in the world that you can get along with very well. This one, however, is not the one for you, IMHO.
j_hunt_12 Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 Well yeah this is a rough one. I am in a long distance relationship about 7-8 months now. I knew My girlfriend about 4 months and dated her before that started. Needless to say, it is especially hard to not cheat and, although I've never had full-fledged sex with another girl, I've slipped up a few times earlier on in the long-distance thing. I told my GF and she forgave me. Earlier I did try to play the "well let me sleep with other girls and I'll still love you" card, but all and all I realized that that was unfair to my girlfriend and damaging to the relationship, and that since I really care about my GF I just need to make a sacrifice to be fair to her... It wasn't that hard to do either. Recently I've just been working harder to control myself and been having more fun on skype with my GF.. lol. The truth is that a guy can separate love and sex, but it doesn't mean that it is good for a relationship or acceptable. If he really was commited to you I think he would just work to give it up. Unless you also can not wait 9 months without sex, I don't know if I would recommend the open relationship either. Anyways, good luck and try to work this out with you BF, but I think he is just being kind of selfish here.
Lucky_One Posted August 20, 2008 Posted August 20, 2008 When you get right down to it - 9 months is the regular length of a pregnancy. Imagine being married to him and you get pregnant. You have some problems with the baby, and he tells you that it doesn't mean anything but he will have to be unfaithful to him bc you can't have sex with him anymore. Or imagine being on chemo and feeling like **** and just not wanting to have sex with anyone. Will he be there at home to help you? Or will he be out meeting his oh-so-imperative sexual needs?
crimsonrose Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 God made men so horny because, lets face it, men can compartmentalize when stressed so sex is pretty easy for them most of the time. but women, when stressed, have to feel happy before having sex. Thats why guys are so easily aroused. But that is supposed to be somethign sarcred for ONE woman. Your boyfriend is taking the easy way out. If he wont be faithful now, he wont later. Love is patient, love is kind... theres nothing patient or kind about sleeping around behind your back because hes too horny. He can masterbate. You can send him sexy pictures. He can think about you. He CAN hold off without sex. Frankly honey, you deserve better.
norajane Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 You two don't have the same ideas about relationships and what is and isn't acceptable. Regardless of what other people would or wouldn't, could or couldn't do, your bf has straight up told you exactly what he will do. Believe him, and make your own choices according to what you can live with. Personally, I'd break up with him, and not look back. But, if you don't want to completely close the door, break up with the understanding that when you come back, if it turns out you're both still interested in each other, you can give dating another try and see if it works the second time around.
Geishawhelk Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I don't believe I'm reading this.... My partner and I were separated for 4 months, for work commitments - he would not so much as dare look at another woman. He simply thought it reprehensible to even think about straying. He rang me about five times a day, he told me everything he was doing, and sent me pictures by 'phone to prove it. In company, he'd always be the gooseberry, and when I joined him at last, everyone was dying to meet me because they'd heard so much about me, he never stopped talking about me....ad nauseam! The very notion of his getting sexual satisfaction anywhere else, simply was something he would never, ever consider. Did we miss each other? Oh boy, you bet! x-rated phone-calls! But having to be unfaithful after 2 weeks? Oh please!! Lonelybird, do the right thing. Say, "so long partner! Have a good life! I sure as heck am going to!"
Krajt Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I don't believe I'm reading this.... My partner and I were separated for 4 months, for work commitments - he would not so much as dare look at another woman. He simply thought it reprehensible to even think about straying. He rang me about five times a day, he told me everything he was doing, and sent me pictures by 'phone to prove it. In company, he'd always be the gooseberry, and when I joined him at last, everyone was dying to meet me because they'd heard so much about me, he never stopped talking about me....ad nauseam! The very notion of his getting sexual satisfaction anywhere else, simply was something he would never, ever consider. Did we miss each other? Oh boy, you bet! x-rated phone-calls! But having to be unfaithful after 2 weeks? Oh please!! Lonelybird, do the right thing. Say, "so long partner! Have a good life! I sure as heck am going to!" Your boyfriend was going OTT. To the poster of this thread, I would also break up with you. I would not have a relationship with a person who isn't even in the same country as me. I would just dump you on the spot and wave good bye and find someone else. 9 months, thousands of miles apart is not a relationship. He's being honest, so I suggest you find someone else.
Geishawhelk Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Your boyfriend was going OTT. Actually, you're right, I made it sound that way, didn't I....? But actually, not really. From what I said, and how I said it, it sounds excessive, but it didn't feel like that. Our separation and his fidelity wasn't the main topic of conversation. He wasn't doing it to prove anything to me, he was doing it to include me in what he was doing, because he missed me. We'd talk about heaps of things. in fact, his fidelity - and mine, for that matter - hardly ever came up. I was really just trying to illustrate that fidelity shouldn't even be a question.
crimsonrose Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Actually, you're right, I made it sound that way, didn't I....? But actually, not really. From what I said, and how I said it, it sounds excessive, but it didn't feel like that. Our separation and his fidelity wasn't the main topic of conversation. He wasn't doing it to prove anything to me, he was doing it to include me in what he was doing, because he missed me. We'd talk about heaps of things. in fact, his fidelity - and mine, for that matter - hardly ever came up. I was really just trying to illustrate that fidelity shouldn't even be a question. my fiances the same way. tells me when he slips into thinking about another woman, tells me how he only needs me, webcams me constantly, refuses to go to strippers when the rest of his family is obsessed with them. the one time he did go for a bachelor party he came back and said he didnt like it and dint ever want to have to go again. its not excessive, its just when youre in a LDR, you HAVE to be super open
MiniMina Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 You two don't have the same ideas about relationships and what is and isn't acceptable. Regardless of what other people would or wouldn't, could or couldn't do, your bf has straight up told you exactly what he will do. Believe him, and make your own choices according to what you can live with. I think this is the best advice you could get. He is being honest with you about his expectations for sex and the relationship and I don't think he is quite cut out for a long distance relationship even if you are. And as a side note.. I would be seriously worried about STD's with someone who can't go 2 weeks without sex.
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